Blended Family - Austin,TX

Yikes that sounds horrible. I have no experience with this. But I'm thinking that if you can find some common interest or focus on his good qualities it could help build a better relationship with this kid and help you see him in a more positive light. Try to be compassionate, I guess.
I have a niece that is very untrustworthy and I can't leave her alone with my kids. It make being with family exhausting for me. But I have found qualities I really like about her (she's funny, creative, athletic) so at least if I have to shadow the kids when they're together I can guide them to do something that will be fun for everyone, and it's helped make the way I think about her more positive.

I think you have two real options:

Either commit 100%, go all in, get family counseling, premarital counseling, and get married and get this kid some help. Everything-- the whole nine yards. I can tell you that this teen is probably very resentful of the fact that his father has moved in with you and your kid after what is relatively a very short time.

Or, you can be really honest with yourself, allow for the fact that both of you were following your hearts and not your heads, and decide that living separately would be better for everyone involved for now. That if you want to continue going forward, counseling and some support-- for everyone-- is necessary. Teen years can strain a strong marriage, even when things are good.

The teen's father should be the one calling him on his behavior and assigning consequences/punishments, not you. Not for a long time.

And take a moment to think about this teen: if you don't want him around, he's highly aware of it. Don't fool yourself into believing otherwise. He's not stupid, and I have been right where he is. It is patently obvious when adults don't like kids. Furthermore, think about what this suggests to your son: that he might have to tolerate this behavior from a step-brother because you want to be with this man.

Both kids are getting the message that they are coming in waaaay second. I'm not saying that you are a bad person for wanting to be in a loving relationship, not at all. But now that you are divorced, you've already put stress on your son so he does deserve some extra consideration and so does that boy.

Just me, but if, heaven forbid, I ever found myself divorced or a widow (and they are both deaths of a sort) I would be very, very careful to take care of my child's needs in tandem with my own. This would be no cohabitation until we'd done a lot of counseling, worked through many things that come with blending a family, and were married, because I wouldn't want to bring another man into my son's world unless he were 110% committed. And in this situation, where a step-sibling may very well be angry and being mean-- sorry, you know, I just wouldn't go there. That's just me. I had step-sibs myself who were pretty great, by the way, but mom and stepbrother clashed and he was just miserable for it during the six years our family was together. My own stepfather greatly disliked me, and it was horrible. It's so sad. I believe in a marriage, yes, the marriage should come first, however, I think that when we have extenuating circumstances like divorce, we have to remember to weigh our own child's best interests as equally as we do our own.

I don't know how old your child is.... and I guess my answer would depend on that.
Also - I am giving advice as someone who is blending a family - my husband doesn't have kids, but I have one daughter, who is now 14. I've been married 2 1/2 years and my kid is generally really well behaved and there are times when it's down right difficult for everyone.

First - let me share this with you. With regards to blending a family - it takes the number of years as the child's current age of acting in a consistent parental role with that child for them to accept you as any kind of "parent". Now, there are exceptions to this - but this is the generally accepted rule. And that's only if everyone is way on the same page and on board with the changes.

Considering that his son is a teenager..... you will never (and should never) have a "parental" role with this child. Because he will be an adult before you are with him long enough to have forged that relationship. Which means that you won't have that consistent role once he goes to college or moves out on his own.

Therefore - ALL parenting of this child should be done by his dad. Every. Single. Bit. No exceptions. Your relationship with this child should resemble that of the aunt, the adult friend of his dad, etc.

Therefore - you should be looking at how HE parents his son more than looking at the behavior of the son. If you are ok with that.... then proceed with this relationship. However, keep in mind that it does appear that you are dealing with a son who has either been parented in a dysfunctional way or who has some behavioral / mental issues. Either one needs to be taken into account.

Why is the son acting this way? Does Dad know? If not, that is a HUGE red flag. What kind of help is dad getting his son? What kind of relationship has Dad forged with his son's mom? These are all questions that need to be answered for me to give you advice on what to do.

To answer your question. No, it doesn't get easier. Why should it? That doesn't mean blending a family doesn't have it's rewards. It does. But not without an incredible amount of work.

My advice is to find a counselor who can help you work through the roles that you all have in blending the family so that you can do the "right" work to make it happen.

I see a teen lying as sort of normal - not acceptable but somewhat normal. And taking money from your child is something that an older sibling might do to a younger one. Again, not acceptable, but somewhat normal. Definitely not out of the realm of what happens in some in-tact families.

I also agree with the other posters who say that you did not really give your respective children time to adjust to your new relationship or to build any sort of relationship with the significant other. You can't expect to have any influence on the teen until you build a relationship with him.

Blending families is extremely hard and it really takes a good year or more for everyone to really feel the connection of a "family" Give it time and work on a relationship with the son.

You don't say how long your partner was divorced or otherwise apart from his son's mother. But if I've got the math right, you were single for a year, then started dating your partner, and within 6 months of that you are living together. (I'm not sure how long it was from first date to moving in.)

So neither your child nor his had more than 6 months to get to know their parent's dating partner before, suddenly, you are a living-together family. You are in love and enjoying all of this, which is great - but neither you nor your partner really took the time to let the kids get adjusted to this.

So, even with teen hormones and moodiness and possible selfishness ("It's all about me"), I can't blame this teen boy for resenting how quickly his father set up a new family. If your partner has custody, your "stepson" only had 6 months of knowing you before his world was turned upside down again (the first time being after the ending of his father's relationship with this mother). If your partner does not have full custody, then his teen only had a few weekends of getting to know you, and BOOM instant stepmother and instant step sibling. He doesn't know where he fits.

So yeah, he's resentful. He is resentful of you. If he doesn't live with you, then he's resentful of his father seeing your child every day and himself only on weekends or every other weekend, whatever the visitation schedule is. And he may be testing you or his father or both. "Let's see how much I can hurt the younger boy, let's see how naughty I can be so my father rejects me which is how I feel anyway, let me punish my father's girlfriend by hurting her child."

I'm a stepmother. I know what blending families is like. When my husband and I got together, his kids didn't meet me for a while. When they did, it was over dinner. My husband (then my boyfriend) shared an apartment with another divorced dad and they had visitation on opposite weekends. So my husband was with his kids alone on one weekend, and with me on the other weekend (when his apartment-mate had his own kids on the premises). My husband and I had to live together financially (other leases were up), but I literally left our new apartment on the weekends he had the kids, and hid my clothes in the storage areas so there was no sign of me there. It was a huge hassle but we did it for the kids. Eventually I spent a night, then two, and so on.

Your partner's son sees you as an interloper. Your distrust of him is going to be evident in every expression and comment and action you take, but you want him to like you instantly or stay away permanently. Neither of those is a good strategy.

Please get family counseling with someone who specializes in these issues. Your first step will be to admit that you two didn't do your homework or lay a proper foundation for this new family. You let your love and passion and impulsivity rule the day. The first thing that counselor will probably ask you to do is admit to this teen that you handled it badly. And remember that he's at the age when he's going to be impulsive about his growing feelings of sexuality and attraction, and you and his father have basically said to him, "Give in to those feelings after just a few months of meeting someone. Profess your love and dive in 100%." And you know that he is getting the opposite message from every sex ed class he's in! Teens do not like seeing separate rules for adults and themselves, so you have to confront that and do a much better job of showing the maturity of your relationship and the sincerity of your parenting.

Blended families don't just get easier. They improve when you work at them constantly. Get professional guidance to help you do this.

So you quickly moved your BF and his unruly teen son into your home? You are not a horrible person, but you are seeing that Camelot doesn't exist.

This is something you and your BF need to talk about, since IMO you can't possibly have given the kids much time to adjust to the situation. My own mother was divorced for years and then quickly fell hard for a guy who ended up not being very good for any of us. My sister and I were teens - good teens, as teens go- and we still had a ton of issues with it. Too much too fast.

Please revisit this living situation, at least til his son is no longer required to be in the home. I think your BF needs to do something about his kid, even if it means visitation (if he doesn't have custody) is somewhere else, or he and his son move out for a while and get counseling for this behavior.

Better? Better varies. Stepparenting is not easy. If a kid is out of line from the get-go, no amount of rose glasses or anything from you is going to change it. You're coming in way late to the game. My SS was 13 when his father and I married and I was never the "heavy" in the relationship. DH was the sheriff and I was just the deputy. If you are expected to be the sheriff or if the sheriff is not doing his job, that's a bigger issue than his son.

Frankly, my stepkids were OK teens and there were still days I was praying for them to go see their mother or a friend or just go to work and get out of my hair. Why feel guilty that you don't like his kid?

Get counseling.

You make no mention of how his father handles his son's behavior. I'm in blended family. When we first got married I handled my kid and he handled his. Over time and as trust was built we each discipline the children but out kids are older. Now they both are legally adults and our relationships with them have changed. We help them manage their lives when asked.

Get counseling. It will help you navigate feelings, discipline, communication and so much more. Do it for yourselves and the kids.

Love yourself enough to insist counseling must happen for the relationship to continue. If this man who loves you and whom you loves isn't willing to go through counseling then you must be prepared to have peace of mind without him and his lying and stealing child.

Sounds like he may be having a hard time adjusting to having to share his dad, it is not uncommon. He needs understanding and support and to know he is not being replaced. A little family counseling (and individual sessions for him as well) could go a long way. But do not push him away, that will only push his father away as well (if he is any kind of father).

These situations can be very hard, especially for the children. You need to figure out a way to get on the same page, or maybe even consider living apart. I have a very dear friend who is in a similar situation with a man she loves dearly. They both have teenaged children and after a lot of soul searching they decided that the best way for them to put their kids first was to remain living separately until their kids are of adult age. This may not be the best solution for you, but it may be something to consider if things do not get better with time and work.

Blending families never gets easier. Watching my sister and her hsuband's kids was an eye-opener. His kids were only 6 & 8 when they got married - shared custody. One of hte kids was fine all the time - jsut a good all around kid. The other child was difficult from day one and now, 16 years later continues to be so. This young adult is manipulative and lies about everything. intentionally dirves a wedge between my sister and her husband. My sister's kids were nearly grown - one is married and out of the house, the other has some mental health issues and although that adult child doesn't live with them, he causes soem issues.

The root problem is that his kid is not yours and you will never have the same love for his kid as you have for your own (unless you have his child from a very, very young age). And the reverse is true. His son, how he treats him, how the son treats you, what he expects from his father, etc will ALWAYS be a problem in yoru relationship. If your man treats his sone the way you want him to he'll resent you for making him and every problem that comes up will be your fault. If he doesn't and instead lets the son do what he wants you'll resent yoru husband.

You don't say how your man's divorce came about and what the story is with the boy's mom - but if this kid is lying, taking money (are you certain?) and just generally not being trustworthy he is acting out about soemthing. Is his mom a flake? Is he getting attention the only way he knows how? Is he testing you to see if you'll be kind and firm or bitchy and mean?

It's too bad that you're already living together becuase it creates all kinds of issues about relationships and permanence for you and both kids. There have been all kinds of studies about this - how live-in relatinships impact kids - and it's all negative. Maybe there was a previous live-in relationship, or one with this boy's mom and he feels like he doesn't really matter in his parents' life - that he's just "collateral damage".

IMHO when you have kids the live-in thing shouldn't happen until the ring goes on the finger. And I would watch out for the wellbeing of your child. Is your child a girl or a boy? This is just not a good thing. Sorry that I don't have much positive to add to this...

sounds like you should have waited and let yourselves get to know each other as families and not just lovers before you moved in together.
sounds like the teenager resents you. not a bit surprising.
the blending of families will probably not get easier in your case, as you also resent this boy and want him out of the house. and however much you try to fake it, kids sense this.
i feel badly for him.
khairete
S.

Wow. That's pretty quick. Did he move in because his wife got their house?

You don't mention why you moved so quickly, other than you were ready for it. But doesn't sound like the kids were. Especially the teen.

I would just put yourself in his shoes. Would you have liked your parents to split up, you had to split your time between houses, and now have a younger (step) sibling ... without any say? I know I would have hated it. I would be hurt and hate it.

Teens feel so deeply. That's when they need reassurance and love and support the most - and to trust their parents.

Moving in within six months ... this teen may think you're part of the reason his parents split up .. I mean, it's so rushed. Trust may be a huge factor in why he is not adjusting well.

Counselling - I don't know how else you navigate this. You don't mention anything about the dad here - what's he doing to help his son?

Stealing and lying is the teen's way of saying "I'm not ok with this".

If there's any way you could take this slower and go at the teen's and your son's pace (instead of at warp romantic speed) .. I would think that would help.

Good luck :)

There is a lot to be said for taking things slowly when children are involved, especially teens. Why not wait to move in together until his son was at least 18?

You don't really have a right to wish his son wasn't in the home. It was his home long before it was yours. He likely resents you and your son living in his home, especially if you are trying to parent him.

So no, I don't see things getting better until this boy is of age and is out of the house. These things have a way of straining relationships to the breaking point, so hopefully you and your bf will still be together by that time.

An old co-worker of mine went through something similar. She was a divorced mom of two teens. Shortly after the divorce, she met a man and moved him into the house. Things were not amicable between him and her kids. As people often do, she put the boyfriend before her kids and they ended up moving in with their dad. Some time after that, the relationship didn't work out and she lost the boyfriend too. Now, many years later she has no relationship with her kids and is lonely and bitter.

Too many people see the kids as just an afterthought when they should be considered above all else.

Best wishes!

They say it takes 15 years--15 years!--to blend families. I am 10 years in, and now with two of the three children out of the house, it is getting easier--but only in very small ways closer, warmer, more connected. We have gotten tons of counseling. Very helpful for keeping things from falling apart completely--we are civil and kind to each other and the household runs pretty smoothly. But my relationship with my stepsons, and my husband's relationship with my daughter are still slightly remote and strained. This is hard. Very hard.

My advice is to continue to date but to keep separate households. Let your love handle his son. Do not try to do things with them together. That boy needs his father with no complications. Work on fostering the connection between your love and your daughter during times when the teen is not around. You don't say how old the teen he is, but his capacity to make your life miserable is great. Protect your daughter from this house full of tension and mistrust.

My only advice is to take a good look at the feelings you have towards this boy & make sure you are not transferring feelings about how you feel about this child's real mother.