Birthday Party Vent

My kids are now 26 and 17 years old. I've had many, many parties for them.
I don't know what it is, but it seems to me like the RSVP etiquette has gone out the window. Can your child attend or not? It's a pretty simple question.

My kids had extremely successful parties. Sometimes not all kids could attend due to other family obligations, but the parents at least let me know that.

No offense to anyone, but it seems that some younger generations of parents don't really take invitations or the RSVP thing seriously.
One throwing a party just needs a yes or no so they can plan on how many guests to provide for.

My birthday and my sister's birthday are right at Christmas. No one could ever come. So, my parents got creative. My son's birthday is during the summer. We had his birthday parties before school let out. We took timing into consideration.

I would chalk this up to experience. I don't blame you for being upset, but see what you can do differently next time. Maybe only invite the kids that your children have close relationships with and that you are familiar with their parents.

My kids always invited all their school mates and with few exceptions, they all attended and RSVP'd. Like I said, that was 26 and 17 years ago.
Unfortuntely, I don't think people take it as seriously as they used to.

I'm 50 and this is a trend that I've been noticing. I wish it wasn't true.

Take your kids out to a movie or to a place that will bring them an ice cream sundae and sing happy birthday to them. Arrange for the restaurant to bring balloons to the table. (You have to plan this in advance. Maybe have dad take the balloons before you take the kids).

There are lots of things you can do to make a special day.

You'll think of something.
The kids won't be totally bummed if you aren't.

Best wishes.

I wonder if inviting the whole class at each school affected the rate of RSVP? I know that when I notice that my child is invited as one of a whole group, it feels less personal, and I am less likely to keep it at the forefront of my mind. I know that is not fair... It is true though. I still make every effort to RSVP in a timely manner.

Happy Birthday to your kids! In answer to your question: how about a trip to a playground that they don't go to very often, or a trip to a zoo/park/gym/whatever is exciting in your area? Either that, or a snuggly day at home, with playing outside followed by hot cocoa, etc...

I hate this trend of people not RSVPing. It is so thoughtless and rude. I have now taken to contacting people personally if I haven't heard from them... Something like, "Hey, I sent you an invite to such and such. Just wanted to make sure you received it bc I hadn't heard from you and I need to plan for food, drinks, etc." I always get a reply then.

I would do something separate with each of the kids to make each feel extra special. Maybe getting nails done with one and a movie with the other?

We had my son's 7th birthday party last week. Of the 17 kids invited, only 3 were from his class (all others were family friends and soccer buddies). He hand-delivered invites to his classmates and I put both my phone number and email for RSVP'ing. It is so important to include an email because frankly I handle most of this stuff AFTER they go to bed. I heard from all three parents because he is "best friends" with them. I'm sure they talked about the party daily and they bugged their parents to RSVP.

As much as RSVP'ing is important to me, I must say that I sometimes do not RSVP when I plan on NOT attending a party, and more specifically for those that have invited the entire class. My son is not "reminding" me about the party because it's not someone he shares a lot of time with.

That said, if you RSVP for a function, then you should definitely show up. We had one child not show and when I saw his mother, she said oh we had to celebrate my Dad's birthday. Ok, a quick text, even that day, would be helpful! Oh and one mom showed up 1-1/2 hours late! Huh?

Keeping it to close friends and family is best. And I usually try to include the siblings. Furthermore, when you invite the whole class, you generally do not have a way to "remind" them about the party and the need to RSVP.

Good luck with next year's plans!

This kind of thing is so frustrating. One of the ways to handle this is to let the kids only have as many kids as the year of there age. so you daughter's next birthday she will be 6 have only 6 kids invited. same goes for your son. not sure how you did the invitation thing but I don't like evites. I know many people do lol but I don't. I want something paper to hang on my fridge that stares me in the face every day. I would say something to the parents along the lines of we missed you at the party. and nothing else. it at least gives them the ability to say "oh sorry we missed it" or "what party" sometimes invites get lost, parents tell the kid "hey tell little suzy to tell her mom we won't be coming........" and the kid never tells little suzy. or little suzy forgets to tell mom etc.

I feel SO lucky every time I read a post like yours. This never happened to me. I don't blame you for being angry.

I think I'd be very particular about who I invited from now on. Only friends who are close to your kids, especially those whose parents you actually know. It's a lot harder to blow off a real friend's party.

Dawn

If I don't know the families and can't talk with them directly, then I generally don't invite them. Our parties are just for their closest friends and I talk to the parents to arrange the best time for everyone so that they will have their besties with them. Especially for those ages -- experts recommend one guest per year of age. So a five year old should be celebrating with five kids -- not 25. More than 5 and it becomes a crazy melee of hyperactivity and the child won't even really be interacting with most of the guests.
Now that my daughter is 10, we're switching to lunch/dinner out with a friend or two and a mini shopping spree. For her, our party days are no longer yearly.

I soooo feel for you! RSVPs (mostly lack thereof) are a HUGE source of frustration to me. I have tried paper invitations and evites and usually have to still follow up with people who didn't respond. While I prefer evites because the RSVP is immediate and reminders are sent, I do think that people were better with paper because I gave the option to call or text and most texted. We haven't had a situation like yours, though, where so many people responded and didn't show up. RUDE!!! I would think that people who've had kid parties would have some empathy, knowing you have to give a final count for food and those darn goodie bags (another sore spot for me). It's too bad when the kids notice. Anyway, you can start doing same gender parties for your kids, especially as they get older or only their best buddies. Problem with best buddies is that my son would keep adding people after the invitations were sent.

Why not let them choose how they'd like to celebrate? Ice cream is a must!

Sounds like my wedding! More then half of my dh's family didn't respond & showed up! I hear you about the b-days though! My youngest is right around Thanksgiving so we do it a month before but her's is a Harvest Festival for a charity - we plan big and whatever we don't use we give out at Halloween so it's not a big loss as far as the pumpkins and favors.

It is rude though how people don't even consider responding though, I realize we're all busy in this crazy thing called life, but you know what....so is everyone. As far as not going to your children's school functions though, I would rethink that one though. As much as you don't want to see the other parents, you are punishing your children for the ignorance of other people.

Going forward I hope in addition to family you will let them invite their friends. We never invited the whole class, just the kids they actually played with and had relationships with, and while there were occasionally kids who didn't show or rsvp it was rare because they were friends and they WANTED to come, you know?
Birthday parties can be a lot of fun, just adjust your expectations going forward and it WILL get better! I promise, taking a group of 3 or 4 kids to Build A Bear or Mini Golf and then out for a cupcake is so much fun and way less stressful than trying to feed and entertain the masses, plus it's more meaningful for your child :-)

T.,

Hugs to you! I know how hard it is. Parties suck. I hate planning them and I can't stand that no one RSVP's! It takes 2 seconds to tell someone if they are coming or not. I hope your kiddos still had fun in spite of the problems. I think baking is always fun for kids....they could do their own 8inch birthday cake and decorate for each other---GL

The same thing happened for my sons last party. We had invited everyone in the class, almost everyone RSVPd and NOT ONE person showed. Well except for my husbands co worker who my son says is his friend. I was so glad that he at least showed up because he made all the difference! It sucks especially when the kids are a little older and kinda understand, my son asked once why his friends didnt come, broke my heart:( my husband is going out of town next week so he's taking my son to Dinosaur World to spend daddy son time.

Sorry it wasn't a great turnout. My girls birthdays are in the summer so I haven't had to deal with the classroom invites. But even if I did, I would never invite the whole class. Why would I invite jane If my daughter doesn't even play or know her that well. My kids have always been in charge to who they want to invite. As far as RSVP, I got barely responses back but my daughter would say this person is coming etc. she had about 18 of her friends show. Now with that said all these friends have always attended each party so I kinda knew who would be coming. Hopefully next year if you do decide do one just have their real friends over. Go out to a movie and ice cream and enjoy the day!

*sigh* been there!

For my son's part a few years ago he invited a few kids from his class. We also had some of his friends form church and a few "family friend" kids, too.

I actually had a child's mom from his class call me WHILE WE WERE DRIVING to the party at the bowling alley to ask if he could still come (she had not rsvped) . I said sure (thinking it was odd since it started in 20 minutes) and then she proceeded to say that she would "try to see if she could get him there. He never did show. Then another boy in class showed up with his cousin (mom WAS kind and apologized and said that it was a last minute emergency thing that she had to watch him and told her son to just "share" his bowling turns with his cousin - although her husband was there with their toddler, so I am not sure why he couldn't have kept both kids at home. I also just let him bowl as I had already paid for another child that couldn't come). The whole thing was just weird!

We keep it to church friends, a few family friends around his age, and a few school friends.

I've said it over and over and over again. No one does RSVP's anymore and you cannot ask a single person in your kids classes to their party, not even a class BFF or other kids that like your child will have horrible hurt feelings. If they are BFF's outside of the classroom that is different.

So all us moms that want our kids to have awesome parties and memories need to realize they'll be much happier if we only invite friends that will come and actually want to know what they can bring to help out.

Have the party at the park and bring a cake. Let the kids have some cake then go play. They can have a blast and not much money is spent.

We don't have to pay for play places or skating or anything that costly. They want to have a party that is fun but we are the ones that add on more and more stuff that is "organized" and it really makes the party about "where" they are and "what" is going on. Not about the kid and their special day.

I've been there and done that. I have paid $150 for 16 kids to do this or that activity and invited the whole class with the expectation of about half showing up. If our friends outside of school had not showed up then there would have only been 4 kids at this last activity and 2 of those were the party planners kids that are in his class. So instead of trying to figure out how much stuff to supply for the party we focused on just doing cake and having fun. I am glad only a few kids came. They got to do so much more. Even though it cost a lot that I didn't really have I am glad we did it.

Next time I won't invite his class. I will invite a few close family friends that he is close to outside of school and we'll do something fun. This way I won't have to worry about RSVP's because I am on the phone with my friends all the time and I'll already know if they are going to be there.

I totally agree....people absolutely are completely ignorant when it comes to the social graces!

Here is what I do when I send out invitations (I did invite the whole class when my dd was in kindergarten and all but one showed up...but it's because I did a follow up):

1. Send the initial invitation (I find that if you mail it, people take it more seriously)
2. Follow up with a reminder email a about 3 days before the party (our school gives us a directory with email addresses and phone numbers) Ask them to RSVP if they haven't already - you may want to let them know you need a head count for party bags, etc.
3. If they haven't already RSVP'd, many of them will reply to the email
4. Specify on the invitiation whether or not siblings can come...you might say something like, "Due to space limitations, we can't accommodate siblings....thanks for your understanding"
5. You may want to say "no gift required" since some people don't have the money to buy gifts and it may keep them from coming.
6. To keep expenses down, next time, have the party at about 2:00, only serve cake and a beverage - something inexpensive like punch or Koolaid (and maybe ice cream). Sam's club has a great bakery with very low prices on cake.

Since your dd is only 5, and they know the invitation went to the class, they may have thought you wouldn't miss them if they didn't show up, It's still totally wrong, but don't take it personally.

Parties will get easier as the kids get older and only invite closer friends - you will probably know the parents too which makes follow up easier.

The last couple years (5 and 6) we did cupcakes for the class and took a trip in lieu of doing a party, and it worked out great. DD still got a little celebration with her classmates, a fun dinner out, and had a fun birthday weekend. I am not into inviting the whole class, having them not RSVP, flake, or show up without saying anything, and wasting tons of money on the whole thing.

That being said, if DD wants a party, I will do it, but it will be a simple party and she gets to pick the kids she wants to invite.

Don't take it personally, it's happened to everyone I know. You can only blame the parents for their laziness, or selfishness. It's not that hard to carve 2 hours out of your weekend, or call/text with a response to the invite. I feel bad for the kids. Not sure what's happened to our society, but it makes me sad.

This is why we stopped doing birthday parties every year. Last year was the first time we didn't do an all out party (my kids' birthdays are 1 week apart). We invited family to come over on a weeknight, and you what? They had just as much fun at this family party as they would have if we had spent hundreds of dollars and invited all their friends.
The following weekend, we took them to the beach and went to a water park for their birthday.
Do you have a children's museum in your area? I also see you are from Tampa. We had a blast at Busch Gardens in Tampa and loved the zoo there. You may have already worn that out, but I'm sure they would love it. Or just take them to the beach. They will have fun as long as they are spending time with you!

I am sorry you went through this. I only have one in school now but think I'll keep the parties to family friends' kids and family in the future so this does not happen. The same thing happened to my sister when SHE was 5 years old - not one child showed up from her daycare class. Mom and I were heart broken and crying in the corner. She didn't know the difference and we joke about it now (she's 19). Because I am close friends with my kids' friends parents, I will call them if I do not hear from them to find out if they are coming. I agree - family and close friend parties in the future from now on. Sorry, mama!

This is one of my pet peeves. I can't fathom how people can't take two seconds to RSVP yes or no. And it's never the kids, it's the parents. We took cupcakes to my son's preschool a couple days before his weekend party and the teacher asked who was going to the party. Every kid raised their hand even though I know that a few of them had parents who hadn't RSVP'd. They all *wanted* to come. I'm sorry your daughters feelings were hurt.

We usually only invite the children my kids usually play with, at school and outside of school. That way I know the children and I've met the parents. If you keep it to actual friends and not the whole class everyone will have a better time, and it will be a lot less stressful for you. Also, since I know all the families I can phone them if they have forgotten to RSVP.
I would let each on of your kids invite one friend over to play or on an outing. (Your daughter could invite the friend that actually showed up at the party).

Hey, sorry to hear how everything turned out. As I responded to your last post regarding the RSVPs, been there done that. It really sucks. I ALWAYS RSVP immediately. Hardly anyone else does.

At the last birthday party I held (not a school invite, but MANY friends), I had the distinct feeling that some parents were waiting to see if something better would come up before finally deciding to show for the party. One RSVP'd the morning of the party. Another RSVP'd AFTER the party and made it like she had just forgotten at the last moment, though I had emailed everyone a follow-up reminder just a few days before the party. BTW, the party turned out really great and anyone who couldn't be bothered to RSVP missed out on a fun time (or, at least, their kids did).

Take the kids out to a movie or to a bounce house place or something like that, maybe a fun restaurant after. Sorry to hear your daughter's feelings were hurt. :(