S.R. asks from Clovis, NM on March 11, 2009
Birthday Party or Not?
Hello, I really need some help! My son just turned 10, anddue to other family commitments, we delayed his birthday party. It is due to be on April 4th. Well, he misbehaved very badly last weekend, and now I don't know what to do. Should we go ahead with the party, when I feel he doesn't deserve it, and honestly I don't feel like doing it? My husband thinks we should just give him his gifts, very low key, and that's it. I can't help feeling that if we hadn't delayed the party, he would have had it before the bad behaviour incident! Any advice you can give will be much appreciated. Thank you all so much.
OK, I did forget to say that on his actual birthday we let him choose dinner, had a cake, and gave him his main present. The behaviour thing is ongoing. Last year he was on the Honor Roll, this year he's making Fs. We had planned a big party, and to be honest I was thi9nking of doing a scaled back version. Thanks again.
So What Happened?™
First of all thank you to everyone that took the time to respond to my request. I feel overwhelmed by everyone's concern. I have never posted on here before and honestly expected one or two replies. I really appreciate all your answers.
My son was diagnosed with ADD in 1st grade, and is coping well with medication, so I don't think that is an issue. However, after reading some of the responses I did get to thinking of major changes we have been through this school year. I couldn't think of anything, and then it hit me! I felt like such an idiot!! My husband retired in October after 24 years in the military. Although we haven't moved house or anything, our way of life has changed a bit. Financially things are the same, as are schools etc, but my husband had to find another job which wasn't as easy as it could have been. So, I sat down with Johnathan and had a chat about how he felt, and he confided that he was worried we couldn't manage now. We decided that we would have an end of school party, dependent on him trying harder at school. To be honest I don't care if my kids are on the Honor Roll, just that they are doing their best, which he hasn't been. Thank you again for all your help, for pointing out things that hadn't even occured to me, and forcing me to think a bit more. I'm from England, and all my family is there. My husband's family is all on the East coast, so we have always been on our own as far as raising the children. I feel so blessed to have found all of you, and to be part of this "community".
More Answers
A.M. answers from Dallas on March 11, 2009
I agree... a birthday party should not be used as a consequence/punishment. Everyone should have a birthday celebration of some kind. It's the only day out of the entire year that is just for you. And these young years are when they really like bday parties the most. I remember most of my childhood bday parties from 6 and up.
If you don't want to do a big party, perhaps just let him invite 1 or 2 closest friends over for pizza & movie night -- or a game night at Main Event or something like that.
He needs to feel special for his birthday ... he won't have another opportunity for a party for 365 more days from now.
1 mom found this helpful
C.T. answers from Dallas on March 11, 2009
Everyone deserves a birthday party to celebrate the day they were born. He may feel like you don't treasure that day if you take the party away.
1 mom found this helpful
T.F. answers from Dallas on March 11, 2009
I don't think it is fair to withold the party as punishment. I agree with another response...if you do that, it could create resentment and you may end up with bigger issues.
I don't mean to sound rude but.........It is his 10th birthday and he deserves recognition on his day..........even if you don't "feel" like doing it.
Find another punishment.
1 mom found this helpful
S.K. answers from Dallas on March 11, 2009
IMO the punishment should fit the crime, if possible and it should be immediate or ASAP. I don't know what he did or if he's been having ongoing issues but I think holding off punishment for a month isn't going to teach him anything. He is just going to be mad and will resent you. That might lead to more behavior issues.
After reading your addition to your request for advice, I felt like I needed to add a little too. You celebrated his birthday as a family. I would leave it at that and cancel the party. That is a bonus and he doesn't deserve it with the ongoing issues he's been having. I don't even think you need to "scale it back." I would have a long talk with him when there's not an issue to discuss. Show him his report card, talk about his behavior, and let him know that you wanted to have the party for him but it has been cancelled.
I also think you need to seek help from a good counselor. Don't let another minute of this go on. It will only get worse. From A's to F's is a huge red flag. I have close family members who have been dealing with this in recent months.
1 mom found this helpful
P.G. answers from Dallas on March 11, 2009
Since there's still several weeks to go, if it's possible to wait till the end of March to decide, that might be the way to go. Let him think he's not getting a party based on his bad behavior; if he turns it around and is back on track, maybe it makes sense to surprise him? I don't have kids this age yet, so not sure about what to do. Good luck!
1 mom found this helpful
S.C. answers from Dallas on March 11, 2009
There's a saying one of my friends used at work when I was worried about screwing something up. She said, "What are they gonna do? Take your birthday away?" His behavior may deserve a punishment, but don't take away his birthday party if you've already promised that to him. If you don't want to throw a party, then take him somewhere of his choice - let him pick out a movie and dinner at his favorite restaurant and sing happy birthday. You still need to make his birthday special. As for the delayed punishment, obviously it would've been best to follow through with it right away. However, I think 10 is old enough to understand there are consequences to certain behaviors and so taking away tv or Gameboy time, early bed time, etc. now is better than letting him think the bad behavior didn't go unnoticed.
1 mom found this helpful
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