Birthday Party Etiquette? - San Diego,CA

When I call to RSVP my son for parties and I know I have to bring other child (my husband is out of town, etc) I ASK the host mom "is it ok if I bring X? If not, can I drop Y off?" They let me know what is ok in their mind and then they can either plan on giving the goodie bag or not.
I do always reiterate to the child who was not the invited that they may not recieve goodie bag, to wait until all guests are served for cake/treats.
It has worked out well.
SO, when moms & dads come and they didn't rsvp the sibling, it is ultimately your choice. If expensive goodie bags, I'd just have them set out for the invitees and maybe have a few little candies or treats for siblings.
Good luck - it is stressful!!

6 moms found this helpful

Unless they are named on the invitation, siblings are not invited.

4 moms found this helpful

Or, you could just drop the goodie bag madness and have them decorate their own cupcakes!

3 moms found this helpful

I don't invite the siblings but I do ask if the siblings will be coming. I like it when the mother asks if she can bring siblilngs.

If someone says she has to bring siblings b/c she doesn't want to get a sitter, then I say "By all means, bring the siblings! The more the merrier". I'd hate for anyone to not show up for my kid's party cuz their siblings can't come.

One party, I gave whoever showed up an empty treat bag and they got to fill it w/candy from the pinata. That was their goody bag.

Another party, we invited some neighbor girls who have played w/my kid or watched him as a mother's helpter - there were 5 of them ranging 8-12 yo, and I gave them an age appropriate treat bag (a pink camo bag cuz it was an army party, w/flavored lip gloss, king size candy bars and manicure stickers) and they all squealed w/delight.

2 moms found this helpful

i always buy extra stuff just in case. its a party, the more the merrier.

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We are dealing with this right now too! Fortunately we've been able to see the situation as guests at the last several parties and what I have observed is that if the "siblings" are generally the same age, the parents will ask if it's okay to bring them. We addressed the invite to the child and several of the RSVP's have included a "would it be okay to bring little brother?".

We also asked on the RSVP that the parents indicate "who" will be staying with the child (they are only 3) so we can plan accordingly! Whoever suggested using email as the RSVP on this site has been a godsend! People have pretty much all responded!

How many 10 yr old girls will be there? If there are 2 or 3, enlist them as your "helpers" for the party and "pay" them with a very small gift card to Claire's or Target ($5).

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I assume the only +1 coming will be kids under 2. I think it's rude to bring older children who are not invited without asking first.

It's also rude not to RSVP but no one seems to care anymore.

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I don't know the answer to all of your questions, but I do know that if you don't have the money to spend on sibilings, you can nicely put on the invitation a way of saying no sibilings "like sorry, but we are only able to accomodate the invited child and one parent." Birthday parties are not a cheap and easy festivity so if you don't want them there then make it known from the beginning. If you don't care if they come, then I think you would probably need to have things for them too.

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Definately your choice and I don't know the details of your venue etc. but i just wanted to say, I generally find it uncomfortable to go to a party expecting it will all be chidlren from my child's class or at least my child's age,but find instead it is combined with a family party and there are relatives of all ages hanging out. It just seems to me that it doesn't mesh very well, but i do understand that cost and time are factors. since you said you were new to the whole thing i thought i would throw that out there. If we have a party with classmates out in the community like McDonalds or chucke cheese or a bounce house, we have a separate party for family at home afterwards, if space is an issue then, maybe that's why people combine, I just feel awkward doing it that way as the hostess and as a guest.

oh and i would always assume most parents would stay for kids under 8/9ish. If they didn't i would assume they were very relaxed about their kids safetly especially since you usually don't have anything more than a hello sort of relationship with them.

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I don't know if there's a definitive answer to party etiquette. My advice is just my opinion, lol.....just thought I'd use a disclaimer first. :P
To tell the truth, I only did goodie bags for the first and second parties (age 1 and 2, I mean). I did that because (a) there were children a little older that came to my 1 year olds' parties and it was a treat to them that I didn't really do for my sons, (b) the second party was a theme party (dinosaurs) and there were some really cute 2-5 year old dinosaur toys that worked well, and (c) it was something they could put their candy from the pinata. I don't think those things are necessary, but maybe that's just ME. I tend to plan parties where they can come play, then gather around to have a little lunch/snack, play some more and have a couple games, sing happy birthday with the cake, and while everyone eats cake/icecream, the birthday boy opens gifts (birthday boy can have a bite, but tends to eat cake AFTER the party...I do it that way so the kids are busy and happy during the gift time, and the one receiving gifts doesn't really think about food at that point). We take a photo of the group (to include in thank you cards later, as well as for the birthday scrapbook), and then there's hugs, thank yous, and goodbyes. :P Try to keep it pretty simple.
When I attend a party, if it is at someone's house, I ALWAYS ask if my younger one can come but will stay with me before just assuming I can bring him along. I always bring some food in the diaper bag for the sibling just in case....if there's tons of food or the host offers for the sibling to eat, cool....but if not, we're covered and noone has to feel embarassed (them for not having enough or me for making a faux pas). I usually won't mind a sibling coming and usually plan for it, but if there is a huge age difference I hope there's some common sense on the parent's end. (9 year old to my 1 year old.....well.....what's the 9 year old going to do? Or my friend's son just had a skating party---we went, but my husband was with the oldest one who's learning to skate and I took the younger sibling to the side and we danced and danced, played hotwheels, etc out of the way). If the party is at a party place (gymnastics, chuck e cheese, a bounce house place, etc) then I will make other arrangements because I don't want to put anyone in an embarassing situation---fact is, if that's the case then they're paying per child and no way would I just bring a kid that wasn't invited. Think a smaller scale of a wedding reception with dinner....that's a no-no, a head count has been made when planning.
For the cousins: it depends on a few things I suppose, like who and how many are attending this party, and your own family dynamics. Personally, I wouldn't. I would make sure they had snacks, drinks, and cake, and make sure they know we're happy to see them, but no.....the gender's different, the age difference is big, I'd just treat them as "older guests" that we're happy to see.

1 mom found this helpful

the younger the sibs are the more likely you will see this...It has happened to us but the parents asked in advance...I was not opposed as some of them were single parents. Sometimes babysitters are not available. If you know a sibling is coming...yep have a goodie bag ready. Personally, if it can be helped sibs should stay at home but if they can't then its ok to be flexible so your child doesn't miss out.

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When I had my kids' 6th birthday, I included on the invite that siblings were welcome but I needed to know in advance. I ended up with 17 kids with friends and cousins. I did provide a goodie for the older ones but it was more of a small item versus the usual. 10 yr old girls are pretty good for hair pieces, lip gloss etc so it does not have to go crazy. Of course, good bags are not necessary if you are going nuts trying to straighten things out. At most stores, as long as the item has not been opened, you can always return it if not used.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm having a party for my 3 year old soon, I'm honestly just assuming that siblings will come along. I would never expect for someone to hire a babysitter for a younger sibling and yes, I will provide some sort of goody for ALL the kids that come. I'm not so sure the 10 year old girls need anything...sounds like they could be helpers at the party.

1 mom found this helpful

I always invite siblings unless it's at a place where we can only have a certain amount of kids there. If I do goodie bags, then I make sure they are good for both boys and girls and I always make a few extra just incase

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For us, it depends on the kid and the family. It's not always a given that all of them are invited or that the venue is appropriate for all of them due to the age range. Just this weekend we are going to a party for one of DD's little friends. It's for the little ones, not the big ones. We also never assumed that SD was invited to her brother's friends' parties (for example). I think the people that assumed the other kids could go were a little rude. That's why you RSVP and talk to the host. You might want to specify on your child's invites.

I generally include older kids in the goodie bags, unless they are teenagers (cousins). Maybe something just for them since they are family and you know them. It's just as easy to throw a couple of glo bracelets in the bag as a couple of trucks or something. Big girls like bubbles, too.

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Hi Laur, Most people who welcome siblings will say on the invitations siblings welcome, if not then people should asume the one invited is who's name is on the invitation. if you are going to do goodie bags then everychild who received an invitation should have a goodie bag, I don't think the host should be responsible for any extra guests. You did the right thing leaving your other son home with daddy, that was the proper thing to do. When i did birthday party's for my kids I only invited kids in that age range, I didn't invite 10 year olds when my kids were turning 4, they will all have their chances for party's . If you stick to the age group of your child and plan just for those it's a lot less stressful, my kids are grown now but they all had birthday party's every birthday, but like i said I stuck to the same age or a little ypunger, maybe a little older but there is a big difference between 4 and 10. Hope this helps some. J.

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Take them to Chuck E Cheese and let them win their party gifts. Just Kidding, have party bags for boys and girls. Don't spend too much on them and pick out neutral gender toys. That way if you do end up getting more guests than you bargained for you have something to give them. Bubbles are always a good gift, play-doh, crayons, markers, glitter pencils, erasers, funky straws, stickers. Make it easy, party city should have bins of these things that are cheap and easy to stuff into a bag. You can use beach pails as well if you wanted to and stick the stuff in there. Keep It Simple Silly. Use food that is easy, go to costco and get those bagel bites, and pigs in a blanket, chips and dips, vegetable trays, you don't have to feed an army, adults and kids love finger foods. Make punch with ice cream and sprite for all and there you have it. I am just stealing ideas that my sister in law used for my nieces party. It was great.

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I do not care if people bring siblings, but I only give them goodie bags if I have enough left over after the actual invited guest for all the siblings to have one.

1 mom found this helpful

Good Morning-
we just had a party for my 5 year old. I invited all the kids in his pre-k class (which was 10 people) and some cousins. We had it very simple. Chips and lemonade to snack on, hot dogs for everyone. A jump house and a pinata. A birthday cake. I did give goodie bags out, but only to the kids I invited. If there was a sibling that came along, they didnt get one. I only had one mom ask if they could bring the younger sibling. I said yes, but I wouldnt have a goodie bag for him. Over all it was very easy and fun.

I do not think you need to invite the siblings of your kid's friends. It is just a party for the friends. I find that if you put the child's name on the invitation, rather than doing an evite or addressing it to the mom or the family, this cuts down on a lot of "extras" tagging along.
The only exception, in my opinion, is for young babies, especially if a mom is nursing. Then it might be hard to leave them at home. In that case, I don't think you need to provide a goody bag for the baby.

As for inviting cousins, yes, I do think you should provide a goody bag to any child INVITED to the party, regardless of age. You might want to give them something different than what you give the four year olds, but you should definitely give something.

I would never bring extra kids or anyone else to a party that wasn't invited, except for my baby girl (who is only 6 months and nursing - but even then, I always ask first).

K.
http://www.discoverytoyslink.com/karenchao - need birthday gifts? Order through Discovery Toys and you'll give the gift that lasts a lifetime. Email me to ask how to get your toys for free!

I've never heard of siblings being invited to birthday parties. I would definitely say no siblings are not invited unless it stated so on the invitation. I feel like parents (mostly moms) sometimes go over the top with birthday party planning because they feel as though they need to keep up with the Joneses and plan a better party than so and so. I would try not to worry too much about what others are doing. You do whatever you feel is appropriate. Kid birthday parties can really crazy if you let them! I know it's hard, but try to have fun and enjoy your child's special day! :)

Where are you having this party? At some type of venue? Or at a park/home?

I think it's only common courtesy that people either a) don't bring the siblings, b) ask if it's okay to bring the siblings and/or c) bring the siblings (if they must) but pay for their expenses/tell them to have no expectations. However, nowadays people have no manners, so you will have people that will just do as they please, unfortunately. Now, if it's a baby or toddler that can't participate, I think it's a little different.

My advice is, if you are on a budget or just plain don't want pay to entertain 30 kids at the party, then find a nice way to note that on the invitations. It's better to communicate your plans clearly, or else people will just assume & do what they want.

Unless you are a single mom or have no babysitter, I don't really understand why it's such a problem, honestly. If someone has a DH that's at home during the weekends, it shouldn't be an issue. Oh wait, I forgot that tons of men aren't comfortable being alone with their kids... sigh.

Why not ask the two older girl cousins to be your special helpers, like junior camp counselors and buy them a special thank you gift, age appropriate. You may find having their help makes you feel calmer and more supported and they will feel important having a role, not just being treated like a 4 year old guest. There are so many easy inexpensive gifts for 10 year old girls. a purse, an art set, Chinese Jumprope, barbie clothing, etc. Ask their parent what would the girls like.

If these are cousins hopefully they will be around in your family's life for a long time and being a Special Helper is something remembered.

Also, I spend the same or less money I would spend on a goodie bag, go to a dollar store or Big Lots close-out type place and I but lots of different gifts, this last party was rainbow wind catcher flowers, a few types of travel games, rocket balloons, puzzles, super strong magnets and a few others, the guests got to go to "The Gift Store" and choose one, they got what they liked, the parent's were happy, it wasn't absolute junk and I paid a dollar for each gift, went back to the store and return all the extra items I had bought, so I only spent exactly how many guests I had (plus what my kids commandeered). I am always a believer in the more who want to celebrate an occasion the more joy brought to our lives. A backyard party is different than a pay-per-child experience and I will almost always choose a yard party so I can say yes to the extra guests who want to come, make it easier on the other grateful parents who don't have to distract their other child to fill the time for the one not invited with something that will engage the child, and yet make it back to pick up the party guest at the right time.

Enjoy the process, giving a party is a gift to your child and your community, it is a way to say, this is a good moment in life, let's celebrate.

And Remember, Have Fun With It.

One last thought - I also like when the other parents stay for a few reasons, they can help hand out the food, deal with a sad or injured kids so I can keep doing my party job and referee as needed. Also, there are so few times we as parents get to hang out and get to know each other. We moved to our area last year and if it weren't for the birthday parties and hanging out I may still not know which kids go with which parents and which kids were worth getting to know better and to invite to play dates. I go to parties of other kids to watch and learn, and I am always there to be an extra set of hands and bond with the other parents. When my kids were 4, I always hoped the other parents stayed. At 14 the young guests don't want their parents to stay. At some point the transition happens. I like to entertain and I like being useful and I like being able to watch the kids my kids are interacting with so I can get a sense of the personalities and put the faces with the stories my child tells me.

I ALWAYS ask the parent if both children are invited or just one. That's the RIGHT thing to do.

There have been MANY occasions that the party was just for one of my children - thank God I didn't "assume" anything and wasn't embarrassed.....

If the parent brings the other child's siblings and they weren't invited - they should NOT get goodie bags.....

With cousins - if you have the money to do goodie bags for the girls - do something special for them - I do that when my boys invite girls to their parties...I make sure everyone feels like they were wanted at the party and doing something unique in each bag...

when i plan a party for my daughter i always plan for the siblings to come. that just how i do it. not every parent does. i also cut off goody bags for kids over 10.

First, you can do whatever you want and FEEL like doing. Birthday parties have gotten out of control. I just blogged about it today:
http://heyyougetreal.com/momblog/what-about-birthday-part...

Here is my advice...tell the other parents what you are doing. TALK to them. If you say all kids can come, then all kids should be treated equally. If you are doing goodie bags (which I NEVER do) then yes you have to make everyone one...you invited them! You will have to make the age appropriate of course.

Laur, here is the bottom line, just have fun. Do what is going to be the most FUN for you and your child. It really is that simple.

B.
Family Success Coach

When my son turned 5 he had his first "non-family" guests come to his party, about 5 or 6 buddies from preschool.
I was shocked when ALL of the parents as well as a few younger siblings stuck around for the whole party.
It was SO awkward for me, I didn't really know any of them, and I wasn't prepared to entertain them. Since they didn't really know each other either, they spent most of their time just watching me run the party :(
I guess I'm sharing my story because you just never know what you're going to get. My son's invites were addressed to his friends, and didn't say anything one way or another about parents and sibs. I just assumed 5 was old enough to be dropped off for a few hours at a backyard party.
So just think about who you are inviting and how many you actually want to stay, and try to be clear in your invite. Also, some great alternatives to goodie bags are treasure hunts (like an egg hunt using small prizes and candy) decorating cookies/cupcakes or the classic pinata. Easier to plan when you're not sure of the exact number. Have fun!

When my son turned 5 he had his first "non-family" guests come to his party, about 5 or 6 buddies from preschool.
I was shocked when ALL of the parents as well as a few younger siblings stuck around for the whole party.
It was SO awkward for me, I didn't really know any of them, and I wasn't prepared to entertain them. Since they didn't really know each other either, they spent most of their time just watching me run the party :(
I guess I'm sharing my story because you just never know what you're going to get. My son's invites were addressed to his friends, and didn't say anything one way or another about parents and sibs. I just assumed 5 was old enough to be dropped off for a few hours at a backyard party.
So just think about who you are inviting and how many you actually want to stay, and try to be clear in your invite. Also, some great alternatives to goodie bags are treasure hunts (like an egg hunt using small prizes and candy) decorating cookies/cupcakes or the classic pinata. Easier to plan when you're not sure of the exact number. Have fun!

I think you can just invite the child's friends. I would call before bringing a child to a party to which he was not invited. I would also not expect a goody bag for anyone but the invited child. And if goody bags vanished from the face of the earth I would be thrilled. If you are inviting relatives, then I would include the names of the cousins on the invitations if you mean to invite them.

I do not bring sibling to parties. when they are young it is common. when they get to be school age it stops. Because parents can drop off. Maybe don't do goody bags? have a pinata and call it day?

When we send out invitations to school friends, it's assumed that the invite is only for the friend. Not the siblings. If siblings show up they're more than welcome to stay and have cake and enjoy themselves but they don't get any goodie bags (if that's what we're passing out). I put names on goodie bags or whatever it is.

We've been doing crafts lately, though, so the kids make their own goodie to take home. Sometimes it's jewelry, sometimes it's a painted clay decorative tile, and the most recent one was having the kids paint birdhouses with acrylic paints any way they wanted. We've also passed out paper bags that the party girl paints/decorates and puts the guests' names on and then the kids collect their own goodies from a pinata.

I don't believe that the party thrower has to accommodate for extra, unplanned children and I don't believe that you're obligated to invite siblings. The only siblings I invite are family, close family friends, and it's never really been an issue otherwise. I'm laid back about it and my guests are polite so it all works out.

It's always rude for people to bring other children (sibs or whatever) unless they are invited. Sometimes, if you are going to say- Chuck E. Cheese, parents may ask if a sibling can tag along (especially if the parent is staying), and with that scenario I would be fine with it. For a party at your home or where space is limited or you pay per child who shows, it's trickier. If they ask and you don't mind, go for it, and if goodie bags are cheap, maybe have a few extra on hand, if you don't want to give extra goodie bags, make sure the invited child's name is on it BIG! :-)

If you simply don't have a lot of space or you pay per kid and don't have the budget for extras, be prepared to have people ask and you tell them "I wish I could have siblings, but it's a space issue or money or whatever", and also be prepared for those who don't ask but just show up with sibs (rude people).

We've had both situations. A party at one of the inflatable bouncy places, where people asked about siblings and I said yes, because I hadn't reached the maximum limit, and it was fine. Then a party at a bakery, and when people asked I had to say there were only so many seats so the bakery asked that only the invited children attend. People understood.

You do not have to invite siblings. If they ask if it's okay, you can graciously agree if you feel up to it.
I don't do goodie bags. It's such a waste of money. 99% of it ends up in the trash anyway. Think about the impact on the environment of all those goodie bags and stuff in the land fills!!! LOL
I just come up with one really cute thing to give away.
Swim party? Give everyone a noodle - write their name on it with a sharpie and write Thanks for Sharing in my Splashing Good Day!
Sports theme? Give everyone a ball or frisbee when they leave.
Princess theme? Give every one a tiara or a wand.
Luau? Hawaiian Leis.
I've seen picture frames. Take a picture of the bday child with the guest as they arrive. Have someone run to a one-hour, or print at home. Put in cute frames and send home as a keepsake.
Bake special themed cookies or cupcakes or lollipops and wrap them up nicely with a note and let them pick it up on their way out.

Do not make separate goody bags for the ten year olds. Heavens, you've got enough to do as it is.

When people RSVP, I'd just ask, "Will you be bringing any other children besides Johnny?" and see what they have to say. Have some extra goody bags, or just give them away to the kids as they are leaving-- and make sure each family has at least one. I personally think it would be tacky to bring siblings and not at least convey this to the host.