Birthday Parties - Seneca,SC

We generally don't buy gifts unless we attend the party. Unless, of course, it is a very good friend that we see outside of just school. I also don't think my kids ever received gifts from people that didn't attend the party. It would never occur to them to expect one, nor did it ever occur to me. With two kids now getting invited to all kinds of parties, it can get pretty expensive. If your child really wants to get a little something for someone even if he can't attend the party, that's great, but I wouldn't expect it in return.

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I do not typically buy gifts for others if we are not attending the party. Actually, I never even considered it prior to reading your concerns. After giving it some thought I do not believe that you should give a gift if you are not attending unless you want to and are very close to the child or family.
As for the woman expecting a gift, I would kindly let her know that you are giving from your heart because you want to do something nice for the child and you do not appreciate the assumption. If you would like to do something for her child then by all means get him something, but if you had not planned on it don't feel obligated simply because that mom is expecting something.

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I believe that the best advice is the "Golden Rule". You are the person to teach YOUR child to be kind to others despite how he is treated. Now that said- I agree with the rest- don't expect classmates to show up,give gifts, or expect yourself to fill their toychests every year. In fact, why not try something new? Instead of having the kids all bring something to a birthday, why not just have their moms pay for their meal? That would teach your child that the best gift is friendship and company. Or better yet- to bring a gift to give to some child who doesn't have much- or an animal shelter. Isn't that why we celebrate Christmas? We just got out of that holiday and yet, we rarely copy that sentiment- if ever. Your child's birthday should be celebrated- but not necessarily by getting more toys- nor should anyone else's.
On another note- the child that you give to, don't stop- you may not get anything back because his parents are having a hard enough time feeding the family- let alone giving to someone else. Or worse, the child's parents simply aren't creative and feel that they have nothing to give to someone in such an obvious advantage over themselves. I myself may look rich to some- I have Tivo- but you would never know that it was a friend that gave it to me and paid for the service so that i could have something special...good luck

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I understand you are hurt and too would feel that way, sometimes I have felt the books I buy for the book exchange at school during the holidays are way better then the ones my kids come home with but it's in the giving I want them to learn to give and share. We are invited to many parties so I can say I try to let my kids go to at least one a school year I have 3 boys. I can't always afford to purchase gifts and I dont' like to ask the parent having the party if I can bring my other two children since many times it's at places like Chuckee Cheese and it costs per child...so then I have the cost of either a babysitter (which I'm looking for one now) or my husband takes no calls on his on call service and takes the invited child so either way it cost for one child to go to a party. I'm not against parties I love them but I have so many other factors before I can commit to one. If we don't go I don't get a gift and I guess I should of been but I haven't I have only gotten gifts for a few children that are considered close friends of my kids and that's it. If not going to the party I say you shouldn't feel bad about not getting one, if your just doing because your mad at the parent then I'd say that's the wrong reason for net getting a gift. You have now made me more aware that maybe I should at least get something small even a book for the birthday person for sure if we are invited, I never thought about it in any other manner then not going then don't get but now I may have to rethink this.

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R.,

I agree with most everyone else. If my children don't go, we don't give a gift. Unless the child is a real close friend would I give a gift without attending. We also don't go to every birthday party we're invited to.

Summer time is a hard time to throw a party. My 8 year old has a May 31st birthday which coinsides with the last day of school and Memorial Day weekend. I learned a long time ago that I need to either have the party before school is out or email the people she wants to attend to find out who is in town. That way, if needed, I can rearrange the party plans.

Also, I think it's tacky for that mom to tell you what to get her child. I wouldn't hold it against the child, though.
Going forward, I would decide on a birthday/gift giving policy and not be pressured by assumptive parents.

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Hi R.,
I understand your feelings... I was troubled by this when my boys started to get invited to tons of parties some time ago. I asked this very same question to a good friend of mine who is pretty up to date with etiquette rules. Do you buy a gift for a child whose b-day party yours is not attending? Her answer was no, unless the child is a very good friend of your child or the family, and even then, is not an obligation or rule.I pretty much follow this advise and many cases my own kids give me a cue. Sometimes they insist on buying a gift for their friend and is usualy for the closest ones
Now this is me talking, gifts are meant to be an expression of love and celebration and completly out of the heart and we shouldn't give to expect something in return.I think you should just apply the same rule. If your son is not attending, just don't send a gift,ulnless you really want to but I doubt is expected. Besides it can get pretty expensive! You are very giving and I am sure you give from the heart,but it hurts you to see that other people dont react the same as you, so in this case you may be better off by following the general rule. I am sure Miss Manners will approve :-)

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I'm pretty much on the wagon with everyone else. I don't buy gifts if we don't attend, and unfortunately, I'm not a people person, and I am (due to my own childhood) very un trusting of other people, so we never go to any of them.

Do unto others, though.... if you'd expect one, then give one.

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One thing I started was sending a card to the child if we couldn't attend the birthday party. I always want to attend but if we can't I don't purchase a birthday gift. I really try to remind my daughter (3yrs) that her birthday isn't about the gifts she gets but the well wishes. We try to make a bigger deal of a birthday card-her favorite was a handmade one from a friend this past year. I have devoted a scrapbook to the cards we receive to look back over the years and the memories. She remembers her cards MUCH better than she remembers a toy-which loses it's attraction over time! Sending a card is also much more convenient and less expensive if you can't attend a party-but you still Wish Them a Happy Birthday!!

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I am totally on your side on this one! no devil's advocates please!!!! and I can't believe she is telling you what to get her child....no way, no can do. If anything go to the dollar store for them. I would be just as upset.

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I would agree with you. I definitely would not buy what the mother told you to get for her child. I would send a small dollar store gift but that is it. Remember you give to them constantly so you should not be forced to buy a big gift for the birthday.

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You know what? I have been on both ends of that spectrum. I have had to turn down invitations because I haven't had the money for gas to get my children to a party, much less a present. However, I have also been the parent who bought all the classmates Christmas presents and special snacks in December. One of my daughter's friends invited a group of girls (my daughter included) to a night out with shopping, dinner at a restaurant, and a sleep-over for her birthday. The girl's parents made it clear that nobody needed to bring anything but a smile and a sleeping bag. The kids had a wonderful time. Birthdays are not about keeping scores, but about making kids happy. If you can afford to give a nice present do it! If you cannot....send your child with a nice, sincere homemade birthday card; it is the thought that counts.

About the mother who gave you a list over expected gifts for you to bring....wow, I understand your frustration with that one.

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My opinions - I have never really cared much about who gives my child what. I myself have struggled over the years and have had friend's children that I wanted to buy for and couldn't. The bottom line for me is that my child have a fun time, and that means having friends there to share it with. When I invite to a party, I invite the children that I know my child will enjoy spending time with. Family usually fills in the gap, aunts, uncles, cousins, or even my dear friends. Sometimes children even like to have adults at their parties even if they just stop by. My child will receive gifts from me and whatever else my child gets is just a bonus. Gifts are just a bonus.

As far as someone telling me what I am to buy for their child, unless that person is as close to me as a sister, I would be appauld. But if it was something affordable, and something that the child REALLY wanted, I might consider giving the specific gift.

After all, it's really about giving, not receiving. And if you do your best to give your child the best birthdays ever! You have done your part. It's up to you if you want to be a contributing factor in someone else giving their child the best birthday they can!

Meg

It is wrong for her to assume you are coming or that you are getting him a gift. It is wrong for her to mention what he wants unless you directly asked her.

As far as the birthday thing goes overall. It is my assumption that you should not invite the entire class or daycare class to your child's party. if you do invite them all then if they come they should and probably will bring a gift. But dont expect them to come. you will usually get 2-3 classmates if you are lucky. You will get more as they get older but not right now. I knew that my daughter didnt care about boys coming to her party. So I picked the 6 little girls that I know she plays with the most and gave invitations to those girls only. Of those 6 three came to the party, two of the parents actually RSVPed and one didn't all of whom brought gifts. We have attended one of the little girls parties prior to my daughters and then attended one of the girl's party a few weeks after my daughter's. I RSVPed to both and brought gifts to both. I usually buy toys and usually have a $10 limit for classmate kind of friends. I did allow my son to invite 3 boys (his friends) to her party. Only one came but the mom RSVPed and brought a small gift. Six kids and parents at my 3 yr old daughter's party was a great number and not at all overwhelming for her. Don't feel pressured to invite everyone to your private party. Also and unfortunately dont expect RSVPs from people, for some reason it has become a lost art. People have lost their manners. I also allowed my son to do the same thing....last year in PreK I invited the entire class and only had two boys come...and not even the kid he described as his best friend. I learned so when my daughter had her party I limited the invites to only those people I know are her real friends. I know in school the teacher calls everybody friends but in life that is just not true. Ask your child to limit the invites to 10 and expect 3-4 to come.

As for attending the other kids' party...do what you want and buy what you want. Or you can drop your manners and be katty and say well your child didnt bring a gift to my childs party so I thought that we just werent exchanging gifts to save money. I obviously wouldnt do this to a best friend type person or someone that your child expects to be friends with but your choice.

Remember keep up your manners...RSVP and Thank you cards are not a lost cause!

I have three daughters, ages 13, 11 & 6. I generally don't give a gift unless my child attends the party. The exception to this is if the party child is a particularly close friend of my child (each child has probably 5 or 6 kids who would fall into this category). Personally, I have never sent gifts to classmates who have big parties (that include the entire class) if my child can't attend. In my experience, that is the common practice in our area;(Dunwoody area); it may be different in another areas.

Personally, I don't think it's necessary or expected to provide a gift to a child if your child doesn't attend a birthday party. I definitely don't expect it.

I can, however, understand how you feel if you've been so generous to the family you mention and they can't get your child a little something. Even a nice thank you with a box of crayons would be pretty cool to me. But to tell you what they want you to get for their child is just plain rude!

This is a tough one... perhpaps it a bad weekend and no one could make it? Or, maybe something else going on that made it impossible for people to attend?? If so chalk it up to a bad year and just move forward. If not, then maybe reconsider your giving a little. Having said that I would still give gifts unless my finances wouldn't allow for it. I love giving to others, both at holidays and at other times during the year and I want my child to learn to share and care for people outside of himself. I don't believe it should be only about receiving but learning that balance of enjoying what you have and sharing what you can. Best wishes and hope this didn't just make you more crazy! Jess

My son is in pre-k this year and my daughter in K. I like to go to all of the parties that they are invited to because I want to meet parents. I don't always click with them and sometimes they completely ignore me even though I really try to talk to them. But I realized they are just focused on their kid and maybe they don't care to make friends themselves. However, your son's birthday's turn-out is normal. Same thing with my son and daughter's birthday. I pretty much got no response. My sister has an 8 year old. She says it is normal to have about 3 out of 20 invited to show up. I guess everyone's life is too busy, maybe they do not have the funds or perhaps they are not socially inclined. It's normal to be a little offended when you make all the effort. It brings me to some good advice that was given to me when I was younger. Don't expect people to treat you the way you treat them. When we relate to other people in all kinds of situations there just isn't always a 50-50 effort. Let go a little, ask your kid if he wants to go to the party and focus on what will make him happy and strengthen his social skills. Not to mention, don't let it take away from who you are and the examples you would like to set for your child. I am going to continue to go to all the parties my kid wants to go to because I'd like to know their friends and parents whether they like it or not. And whether a parent is rude or nice I will continue to be nice because I am an example to my child. I don't know if I would send a gift if I cannot attend a party but if my child wants to, I don't see why they can't bring it to school but I don't expect the same from others. That way if it happens its a nice surprise. Not to mention I don't want my kid to expect it, then we will be constantly dealing with their disappointment too. Take care R. and don't change, you are a great mom!

We don't send gifts to parties we don't attend, and we don't expect gifts from kids who don't attend our parties. Actually, we don't expect gifts from kids who DO attend our parties. Parties are supposed to be about spending time with friends and family, and I invite kids for that purpose only.

Wow. I am absolutely appalled that you are even writting this. You seem like a caring parent and you certainly care about your child, but are you forgetting that it's not about the gifts? If YOU choose to buy a gift, it's because You wanted to do so, your child doesn't care one way or the other. It's about the kids, not us. You're letting this whose getting who get in the way of the fact that it's a birthday- a celebration. Give the child a hug and wish him Happy Birthday. You are creating a drama that only has to do with grownups and that has nothing to do with the children. Don't stress it!

Hey, I do not mean to be mean, but you sound a little hasty. I for one think it is more important to give rather than receive. I don't think it is important for you to teach your child that because he gives something, he should get something in return. It sounds like you are getting upset over something that is pretty trivial. I mean I have four kids and mine have been invited to several parties and I have given, sometimes their friends can't come to theirs, but I in no way expect those families to bring something to her or him. I mean it sounds materialistic to me. As far as your friend telling you what to get their child, that is equally ridiculous. I would purposely go get whatever you want, age appropriate of course. And if you so desire, send your child once to a party without a gift. If it becomes an issue, say hey, I forgot, or isn't more important that my son came to celebrate???

I go through the same thing. My husband's nefew and his wife never get our daughter anything for her birthday or christmas. This past christmas everybody bought their kids something, but they didn't even bother to go to the dollar store and buy anything for anyone else. Then she invited us to her kids birthday party this weekend. I really don't want to go, but I feel like the children should not pay for the parents unthoughtful behavior. I did buy them both gifts, but I only spent $5. Sometimes you just have to think about the children and not worry about how selfish the parents are.

Giving is supposed to be done with an open heart; not expecting anything in return. Birthday parties for kids should be a time for them to get together and have some fun with friends. It sounds like the only reason you invited kids to the birthday party is to get presents. Is that really the message that you want to send your children? A message that says the only reason we give to others is so that we will get something in return. Instead, why not use this as an opportunity to teach them that it is better to give than to receive. Maybe if we all did this with our own children, we would not live in a world where everyone is so self-centered.

HI R.,
I think it is rude of people not to give a gift even if they do not attend and I think it is rude for them to expect something when they do nothing for your child. That said,it isn't the childs fault and if I could afford to do it,I would get that child something very small,...just as a gesture and to not lower yourself. I am guilty of that. My daughter had a best friend in kindergarten and first grade. My daughter went to this childs party Kindergarten year and then first grade year,the child invited my daughter right in front of me and her mother. The day OF the party she uninvited my daughter since she had limited invites and chose someone else over my daughter. My daughter cried. I found this incredibly rude and not even a call from the mother apologizing. The child got the gift anyway but she has never been invited to another of my daughters parties.

Well R., you are not alone!

Whatever happened to sincere appreciation and respect for those that do nice things for others in this life? I feel that there is a degree of people "EXPECTING" things to just come to them instead of earning them or passing along a good deed for another. It makes me so sad that good people, people like you who are considerate and thoughtful even have to question if they are feeling the right/wrong way or not.

Even someone who doesn't have a lot of money or can't afford a lot can still make a nice thank you card or gift and have it not be a matter of expense. I grew up without a lot and my parents still instilled in me that you do not show up anywhere without thinking of your host and thanking them for the inclusion or at least making an effort to show your appreciation for the invite even if you are not able to attend. It's nice to make an effort to attend something if that person has thought to include you in it. I would be heartbroken if only a small handful of children attended my daughter's party especially after making the effort to attend the parties of those invited.

I think it's all in how people raise their kids these days. We as a people are losing what it means most to be human...and that is to have thought and consideration.

Whatever the reason, I don't think you are doing anything wrong by questioning giving into the request or not.

Good for you to even say anything about it too!!

I feel you have every right to feel that way. It sounds like you go out of your way for that child and the parents do nothing for yours. Also the other parent should not tell you what to get the child unless you asked. Take care, and good luck.

This is easy. I saw this in a Miss Manners or Ann Lander's advice column before - the etiquette rules for a child's b-day party is if you don't attend, you need not send a gift. It made sense to me when I read it. Therefore, if we cannot attend a birthday party - I do not send a gift. (However, I would send a gift regardless if it were a close friend.) You have to draw the line somewhere. Many parents throw a birthday party every year for their children and if I bought presents for every single invite (all pre-k classmates, neighbors etc.) it would really add up - many of whom in pre-k I do not even know personally.

Also, it's nothing personal at all when we cannot attend my son's pre-k classmate's party - it's just life. People are busy and have obligations. People did not begrudge your child a gift - they just couldn't come to your son's party.

Do not hold the birthday child of this party accountable for his mother's actions. If you attend the party you should bring a gift - one of your own choosing of course.

You never know what a families situation is. Something may be going on that they can't come to the pary or afford a gift (even from the Dollar Store). Personally, I have four kids and when they are invited to parties I don't buy a gift unless we are going to attend. We only attend parties of the kids who are their good friends. You are teaching your child not to give unless you are going to receive something in return. Is that the lesson you are trying to teach?

I have very strong opinions about birthdays, gifts, and parties. These are just my opinions, of course you have to make up your own mind.

It is etiquette to bring a gift to a birthday party unless asked not to do so. However, if you cannot attend you do not have to give a gift. No matter what etiquette says I always consider people giving my children gifts a courtesy and something they do out of the goodness of their hearts - not something we keep score. Its not as if you are charging admission to the party in the form of gifts. I really don't like all the gift stuff and for my son's 6 year old party instead of gifts we had everyone who attended (and some who could not)decorate a card and write one thing they liked about him. The cards were in shape of cars (he had a Disney Cars party) and as the guests arrived I took them and placed them inside a special photo album. At the gift giving portion of the party, I read aloud all the things his friends like about him. I told him his friends were better gifts than anything they could buy at a store. Some people still chose to give him a gift, which was fine. I really think the emphasis should be on the child - not the gifts.

I always consider it generous of someone to invite my child to their party, but I do not feel obligated to attend. There are so many reasons why people cannot go to a party. How nice it was of the other parents to invite your son to their children's parties as well. If you want to attend those parties and let your son enjoy his friends then the question of whether they gave a gift or not is mute. Enjoy the parties. If you do not wish to participate - that is your choice. The only children I have ever given gifts to when we did not attend the party were close friends or when my child had intended to go but became ill at the last minute.

The mother who was presumptuous enough to tell you what to get her child needs a reality check. It sounds like she has become so accustomed to your giving to her that you need to redefine the relationship.

Sometimes we project our own emotions on our children. I doubt unless you told him that your son realized the injustice you felt. You are angry with the parents, but is that fair to punish the other children and your son? I speak from much personal experience when I say we often have to put aside our hurts and go on for the sake of our children. Blessings on your decision.

R.,
I don't know why parents expect people to buy their children presents on their birthday. I think the important part of a birthday party is having the child's friends their to celebrate with them. It is poor etiquette to tell you what they want you to buy for their child. I think going to the party is fine, but don't feel obligated to buy a gift. I would definitely take a birthday card, and maybe something very small if you still feel you should take a present, like a small gift card to an ice cream place or something...I hope you figure out what to do! :)

I've never sent a gift to someone when my children have not attended the party. I feel that if they go they bring a gift, if they can not go, then I don't buy a gift. I think it's really generous of you to get a gift when your child did not attend the party.

Hi! I, myself have been in your situation before. I have a 16 yr. old, 13 yr. old and a 18 mth old. There have been times when my children would go to a party, but that child would never come to any of ours. I've come to the point of not letting it bother me. Several years ago I started letting my children chose the parties they want to go to. If we are not able to go and it is a close friend I will still buy a gift for that child. If it's not a close friend I do not buy a gift. It also depends on how close they are to how much money I spend on the gift. I have even sent goody bags to school for my daughter to give to her friends that wanted to come but for what ever reason was unable to. Like you said it's not the childs fault. And don't feel bad if you buy the child something other then what the mother asked for. Usually, children will like anything they get. They don't care if you spend $10 or $20's.
Sooo, No don't feel bad with the way you are feeling. I think it is more common then what we may think. And if you feel really strong about this, then don't let your child go to the party and don't feel obligated to buy. I don't know if I helped any.
Good luck!
S.

I'm a little surprised by the fact the other mother told you what she wants you to buy for her child. That seems quite a bit forward. I'm about to have a birthday party for my son and I don't expect anyone to bring him a gift. It would be a nice gesture, but he'll be 2 and won't know the difference. Since he is so young, we don't have a lot of "party-going" experience yet to share what we do. Go with your gut, it's usually right. Good luck!