Birth Control Killing Desire?

The same thing happened to me. I tried several kinds of birth control when I was in my early 20s (before my first real job, marriage, kids, etc.). I quit taking the pills because it wasn't worth the money if I didn't feel like having sex anyway. We use condoms now, which are cheap and easy, although not as much fun. But it beats not having sex at all!

Good luck!

Hi D.,
I was on the Pill for 6 years and experienced the same thing. No desire. Gone! I know the tension you are describing. We went from very active to nothing at all and we fought constantly over it. I had other complications with the Pill (break-through bleeding, acne, vaginal dryness..just to name a few). Within a month of going off of the Pill, I noticed a difference and had come to realize that there was nothing wrong with me because my husband insisted that it was me but it was the Pills all along. We use condoms and it works for us. I wouldn't recommend the Pill to any woman, not even somebody I didn't like. They prevent pregnancy all right: no mood, no sex...no pregnancy. Go off the pill and you'll feel like a woman again.

I experienced the same thing. I got off the pill, got pregnant 3 times back to back (which was the plan). But my sexual desire was gone when I was on the pill, when I was pregnant, and when I was breastfeeding. So it felt like years with absolutely no desire aside from the rare occasion.

In between kiddos, I used a diaphram, which was wonderful! No hormones! Using it the first few times was weird, but we adjusted. Then after we hit our limit (3 kids), my husband got a vasectomy. It is great not have to worry about birth control. And my desire, well, it has improved. But since it had been so long since we had a real "healthy" sex life, its taking us awhile to get back into it. It was a little awkward at first.

Really good friends isn't all bad - but - good sex doesn't hurt, either...

YES: hormones caused me to have depression, both when they came in birth control and when they (later) came as hormone replacement for menopause... And - yes - depression cauess lack of desire for everything... So - a change COULD make all the difference...

But: keep in mind - one of mother nature's (actually, probably God's) plans is that pregnancy decreases desire and does breast feeding as does motherhood of a 2 1/2 yr old boy who is pretty much so active as to make wanting another pitter-patter of little feet around the house seem rather UNsexy!

Try another birth control method until you are ready for more little feet... (I loved my IUD's - after you've already had a child the uterus is more able to accept one than before)

And - another reason for lack of desire? That lack of agreement between you and hubby... Given today's economy, he's maybe right - but - that doesn't help much, does it? He is getting HIS way and you are not getting yours and - well - if that is how it FEELS, you are probably doing the adult version of pouting... that's not a put-down - but - you are READY and he is NOT... I agree: we don't have a right to force a child on someone... But: how come HE doesn't do the birth control since he's the one who doesn't want a child now? Just a question...

You will want to find a way to come to terms with it... Maybe you need to pay the bills for a while? That way you might see how tight money is?)

Well... good luck and - well - good sex - and - hopefully - with your new best friend?

Hi D.-
I just went through the exact same thing. I made the decision to stop taking bc and we use condoms to prevent pregnancy. At times it's a pain but it's better than not having a desire to be w/my husband. And of course our relationship is in a healthier place b/c of it. If you can't make up your mind you should talk w/your husband about other options and pray about it - trust me, it works!
Happy Holidays & God Bless-
T.

Hi, D.. Have you told your doctor about this? I'm not aware of what BC pills will help or hurt desire; I know that I got plenty nutsy when I was on the pill. I hated it, so I used another form of BC.

Understand, too, that all people go through cycles with sexual desire. The fact that you have a child or children can dampen your desire, if for no other reason than you are very busy and very tired. Hormones will play a part as well, but look at the total picture before you start changing hormone pills.

There are also implants you can get which will prevent you from missing a dose of BC. I don't know what kind of effect they might have on sexual desire, but you should ask your gynecologist.

There are also pretty reliable barrier contraceptives like the diaphragm, but you do have to remember to use it. It doesn't seem to affect desire or sensation in most people. There are also contraceptive foams, which are less effective; again, you have to use it every time, and you have to reapply it if you are having intercourse more than once at a time. So it's a bigger responsibility, but it may solve your desire problem.

Good luck with this, and I hope everyone returns to the most loving place in your relationship.

Peace,
Syl

Hi D.. You may want to contact your OB/Gyn to see if there is something medical that they can help you with. In the mean time - you are right on feeling that you need to address what's going on. Not only for yourself, but also for your husband. Not only are you affected physically, but keep in mind that your husband may also be affected physically. It's just the way men are built. Do all you can to safeguard your marriage and make sure that "not being in the mood" doesn't leave any open doors for trouble, if he is feeling otherwise. Sometimes making love can be your act of love toward your mate, and not necessarily because you want to. Loving him and caring about how he is feeling physically, stepping outside your "feeings" to make sure that he is not in a dangerous situation, can far outweigh the luxury of only making love when you feel like it. In the mean time - see your doctor to address all you can medically. I'm sorry that you're going through this - I'm sure that it's frustrating, but trust that this could be a gift to show your husband that your love for him is not conditional to your feelings.

Hi D.,

BC can absolutely change your moods just like your menses and pregnancy. One way to combat it without changing what you are doing is to ADD nutrition and exercise. If you want specifics on any of this, I'd be glad to help.

God bless!

M.

Hi D.,

I was on the NuvaRing for about a year before I couldn't handle it anymore. My husband and I have always had a satisfying physical relationship, but the NuvaRing killed it. Other BC's affected it too, but none as badly as NuvaRing. Eventually we decided to just use the rhythm method and to keep me off of meds and hormones. I feel much better about it and we haven’t had any unplanned pregnancies.

But it sounds like you have an emotional wedge coming between you two as well. Are you experiencing a bit of resentment that he doesn’t want to try again for another baby just yet? Try to work it out with him and get the BC sorted out to something you can both live with. One more thing… I’m thinking about your husband as mine would think. And perhaps he’s a little resentful that you’re willing to have sex in order to have another baby, but not for recreation right now. So, if there is resentment on both sides, neither of you will be happy. Of course that’s just a shot in the dark, but my husband and I went through something similar and I was clueless he felt that way.

Good luck to you.

Hi D.,
Have you thought about going completely hormone/device/barrier free? Natural family planning (NFP, also called fertility awareness or periodic abstinence) is a wonderful alternative to putting chemicals or devices in your body. It is as effective as the pill and has no side effects. It is not the "rhythm method" so it can be used even if your cycles are irregular as you are charting your symptoms, cervical mucous and temperature, instead of relying on counting calendar days which may be inaccurate if you have an irregular cycle. My husband and I have been happily using NFP successfully for more than six years, and have two perfectly planned children. NFP is completely natural, as you are working WITH your body's own cycle instead of trying to change it by adding hormones, so lack of desire is not even an issue. There is so much information available on the internet now, there is no cost other than about $11 for a digital thermometer. There are charts and software programs you can buy, but I have done it all on my own for years.

http://www.ccli.org/ is a great resource. Check it out, and feel free to email me if you want to know more about my personal experience or if you have questions.

Try a Mirena IUD. Your ins will probably cover the cost.

I've known so many women who've complained of this exact problem- like whats the point of even being on birth control when you never want to have sex??!! I'd suggest going to family planning- there you can find out about all of your options at a nominal cost. I really encourage women to chart their fertility, especially when they use non-hormonal birth control. That way you know when to be especially careful, and when you can relax a little. http://www.ovusoft.com/ is a good site to start with- Toni Weschler breaks it down in a way that makes it easy to understand.
Good luck!
-K.

I agree.....I personally found that ANY BC method did this because I really liked the risk of just leaving things to chance, or to God's plan, however you see it..... I felt so much more free and spontaneous knowing that every act of love might result in a new creation....and I loved my first one so much, plus loved my husband so much, and just wanted to make more of his wonderful children!

I will caution you against taking any risk until he is really ready. It takes two willing parents to raise a child. I speak from experience here....my IUD "fell out" once while we were on vacation, and since he knew the risks I figured he was okay with it....but he did resent how I tricked him into the pregnancy, even though he was thrilled to hear the little heartbeat. Anyway I lost that one at 14 weeks and it was heartbreaking for both of us...so much so that we never tried again. For years, the experience left a bittersweet memory, and interfered with his ability to trust me. So please don't do that to your relationship!

I would be very honest with your husband and tell him how you feel....maybe if he knows how important this is to you, he will be ready sooner. If not, the other option is to change your priorities...we do have control over what we choose to want. If what we desire is something we can't have, we will be depressed until we change what we desire. So make it your first priority to love your husband and your son....if this is what you truly want most, you will never fail, because you can do that! If you pray, ask God to help you love your husband as a first priority and desire him more fully.

Another thing I would suggest is to see your doctor if this lack of desire persists....sometimes it is a medical condition, or a sign of depression that needs to be treated. I don't know enough about you to say if you have other signs of this.....difficulty sleeping, obsessive thoughts, etc. Also there are therapists that specialize in treating problems such as a lack of desire. In any case this is something you need to fix...to keep the fire burning at home, for the sake of your marriage and your family. I'm glad you wrote to us, D., because you see how important an issue this really is!

K. G.

PS> Thank you for supporting your hubby in service of our country!

If your hubby is active duty. Healthcare is covered get a script for 90 days and sign up at www.express-script.com.
one account for each person in the family. Droctors can also fax in the script. or at a military base. BOTH free. See an ob/gyn your military id your health insurance card. It sounds like you need toget over to family support to find out what is availabe for you
retired USAF wife and mother for 31 years

There's a really good book called The Five Love Languages that may help you a little.
Military pays for birth control. Make an appointment with the OB/GYN office and let them know that this one really isn't working out and find out what other options there are.
Many many reason can affect one's sexual desire. Including parenting a toddler. Disagreements with the spouse. Realizing that marriage isn't really the fairy tale that you thought it would be. For most, it comes in waves. Sometimes you're all over each other. And then other times... life gets hectic and it gets pushed back a little. It does come back. It does require work and effort to keep it strong. Just don't lose hope. If that part of your relationship is very important to you, explain that to your husband and work on it together. There is nothing better than having great sex with your "really good friend" of a spouse.

Hi D.,

Yours isn't a unique situation. The first thing you need to really analyze is why you have a drop in your interest. If you are really sure it's the BC pills it would be the change in hormones, and some women do experiance a drop in their desire. If that is the case, the NuvaRing is the same type of hormonal BC and you will still have the problem. You could get fitted for a diaphram, which you can slip in before getting "frisky" with your partner, then you won't have to interupt the moment.

Your drop in desire could just be a normal drop that comes from combinations of stressors and changes in life (length of marriage, child, moving, finances, etc...) and if that is the case a simple change of mindset could work. Even though you may not be in the mood, set the stage, a romantic evening, clear your mind, think of what made you loose your mind for your mate to begin with, think of the best times you have been together, etc... allow no interuptions, and you may find that fire burning again.

I wish you the best