20 answers

Biological Father Wants Rights Back?

Hello moms, im in a very weird situation and im not sure how to handle it, first off my daughter is 11 and my husband has adopted her (he did this when she was 4) he is all that she knows although i do believe through other comments i have made she knows that he is not her biological. she has never asked questions or asked for pics of him when she has seen that i have them. Now after 9 years i get an email from his soon to be wife saying that he wants her in his life and wants a relationship (they also have a 7 month old son, together) they do live in TX (thank goodness) but i really dont want him to have any part of her life, he has never paid an ounce of child support (up till she was 4) still owes it all and goes from job to job so that he doesnt.. he was just a very bad man who did bad things and my daughter is a straight A student who is doing wonderful and on the right track...many people think i should tell her and give her the option to get to know him, but i dont think that she should. Shes too young and my husband is completly against her meeting or talking to him ...Please help! will she hate me later for making the decision for her? i always wanted to wait till she was atleast a teenager....and imnot comforatable with her flying over there by herself, i do not know how they live or what they do..thank you all in advance

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

First of all -if HE can't even make contact himself, and his fiance is doing it for him -that should say a lot. If he wants something HE should ask for it!

He has terminated his rights in a number of ways -the fact that he allowed her to be adopted combined with the fact that he has never paid a dime for her is enough legally. You also say he's a bad man, so therefore you've answered the question. NO -he shouldn't be in her life.

When she is 18 years old (and if you have any communication with him, tell him this) you can tell her about him, about why you didn't want him in her life and let her decide if she wants to meet him.

She has a father -a legal, adoptive father, and it sounds like you have a good life, so don't invite trouble or feel bad about it!

More Answers

Anderea,
If you had given her up for adoption and you came back when she was 11 and told the adoptive parents you wanted back in her life, what would they say? They would tell you that you gave her up for them to raise, and if, when she turned 18, she wanted to find you, she would. Your ex signed his rights away to your husband you have now. Your husband is her father and your ex is her birth-father. It is no more complicated than that. Once you sign your rights away, that is that. I feel for him a little bit. What parent who gives their child up doesn't sometimes wish they hadn't, or what the child is like now. But your daughter needs stability and be firmly grounded in who she is and who her family is. It is you and your family. Her birth father is not her daddy. If he was her daddy, he would have stayed in her life all of her life and not waited 11 years for it to be convenient for him. All this will do is hurt and confuse her, and really hurt your husband you have now. Your husband is her daddy and has raised her as his own since she was four! Do you know how rare it is to have a step dad do that and do it right? Cherish your family dynamic now, and tell the ex, you are sorry, but he can look her up when she is 18.

4 moms found this helpful

I can't tell you what I think from YOUR point of view, but I am seeing it from your daughter's based on my personal experiences of being raised by one dad who loved me like his own and having a biological father (who lived in Texas!) who was not a big part of my life growing up... I can tell you that I do appreciate that my mom was honest with me and guided me into making my own decisions based on giving me facts and helping me sort them out. Your daughter IS old enough to sit her down and explain things to her, and she very well might grow up mad at you to find out one day that you blew what might be her only chance to meet him if you don't. When she is grown and has kids of her own and has a loving husband who loves her kids, she may start to question how a man could possibly not want to be in their own child's life, which is what happened with me. My biological dad did NOT give up his parental rights and allow my step dad to adopt me, but he was in and out (mostly out) of my life--- so after my first child was born and I was a parent myself, I finally went ahead and asked him all of the things I wanted to know, like why he moved away and why he decided not to be in my life. Your daughter has a right to ask him these things. He, on the other hand, does NOT have the right to make that decision for her. Bottom line, though, that no matter what, DO NOT send her there to meet him!!!!!!!!!!!! If she decides she wants to meet him (which she may NOT want that at all!) then HE needs to come to HER, and the meeting needs to be surpervised by YOU. You should be there and stay with her, no matter how uncomfortable that would be for you.

1 mom found this helpful

OK, so first off I'm almost certain if you spring all this on her at once... it will be to much to process at 11. I'd say you should address the topic of your husband being her "dad" but not her "birth father" before ever considering introducing a perfect stranger as her father and asking her to jet set off on this new portion of her life. In explaining the situation I'd be open and honest beginning from when you met her birth father to now (leaving out the parts that are adult knowledge, No batching the man) And finally I'd make sure she knows just how much she should be grateful that her dad loved her so much... He wanted to give her his last name as a gift ; )

1 mom found this helpful

I find it interesting that her bio dad's new wife was the one that reached out to you to reconnect. Perhaps he felt you would respnd more favorably to her and not him. Or perhaps he isn't quite as interested as she is. HUM?!?!? Regardless, he has not been in her life and chose not be be until now. I would let his new wife know that at this stage it is not in the best interest for him to reach out to his dtr. While she is aware that there is a bio dad somewhere out there she has not expressed an interest in meeting him. Perhaps later, when she is older and asking questions, you can let her know that her bio dad was interested at one time and you might reach out to him in behalf of your dtr to correspond. I would hold off on the meeting part until your sure his life is stable.

1 mom found this helpful

Your daughter's father terminated his parental rights, which allowed your present husband to adopt her and become her father - end of story. Your daughter should be told the truth about being adopted - leave out the details - seek the advice of a wise counselor who deals with adoption issues, not family members if you are unsure how to approach the issue properly.
The fact that the birth father's new wife has contacted you and not the birth father, speaks volumes about who is actually interested in initiating contact with your daughter. I would politely email her back and tell her that her husband terminated his parental rights voluntarily after never supporting her and that his name is no longer on her birth certificate - she has been adopted and has a loving, stable relationship with her adoptive father and that as her mother, it is your job to protect your daughter from potentially unhealthy situations and relationships. So, NO - there will be absolutely no contact between your family and my daughter. If there are any attempts whatsoever, a restraining order will be placed immediately. I wish you well with your new baby....
You and your husband need to make these decisions together - stop listening to "your friends" who thinks an 11 year old needs added dysfunction in her young life! Middle school will be hard enough next year!

1 mom found this helpful

He chose to give up his rights, i would just leave it alone. If he really does want to be back in her life, HE will contact you, and not the girlfriends. Plus, He should make amends for the first 4 years of child support to show you that he wants to be in her life. .

I would also say if it gets to the point in the future, that he is involved, he should come out by you until you are comfortable with your daughter going there. Since he left, he needs to make ALL the conecessions to have a relationship with his daughter.

I think your daughter is old enough for you to start talking to her more about things. You don't have to give her all the details, but to start talking about it, will help both of you out. Then she gets some information and as she gets older, she won't feel like you hid everything from you.

1 mom found this helpful

First and foremost is your daughter's safety and there is no way in h&%l I would let her anywhere near this guy based on what you told us about him and the fact that he lives several states away, you've never met the fiance or her family, you have no idea how they live or who the associate with. No way, no way, no way should you let her be around these people. We hear too many stories on the news.

At age 11 you have every right to make this decision for her. But I think it might be a good idea to begin to discuss with her that her dad-the man she thinks of as dad, adopted her because to him she was his daughter, he loved her so much, etc. Kids know. I had a friend in high school that her mom got pregnant and another man stepped in and married her and my friend somehow always knew something was different and resented it when she found out as a teen. So I think opening the door to let her know how loved she is and was by the man she knows as dad is a good way to start. Then once the questions about her real dad start, you can explain that he had a rough life and lives far away and that he can't be part of her life right now but her dad-who she has always known as her dad is her daddy and always will be.

1 mom found this helpful

This is the soon-to-be wifes doing and not her ex-fathers. If this is something the ex-father wants then he would have been the one to contact you. I'd let it go for right now and if he really wants to have contact with your daughter he will come back and ask you. At some point though you should talk to your daughter about this and let her make the decision for herself. If both of you and her father now do decide she will go it does not mean he gets his rights back.

1 mom found this helpful

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