Biological Dad Question

I am 57 years old so I hope that will lend some crediabilit with this. I lived with my biological dad until I was 9 and my step dad until 18. After I no longer lived with my biological dad he just dropped out. He would come by when he was in the area. My feelings were that he would just stay away. He never spoke to us we were just a couple of kids in the back seat of his car.
If your husband cannot be consisitant in her life, if he can be interested in her and not the fact that he can show her off for his sake, then I would wait a few years until she is older and can understand these thing a little more. Be honest with her without putting him down.
I don't know if this helps any I hope it does.
Reginna

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I found myself on the other side of a similar situation years back, but I'm married to the 'nutty' one (the bio mom would say). In my husband's defense, he was 16 when he learned she was pregnant and the parental advice was horrible. About your particular situation, it is completely okay for your daughter to be curious and I applaud your honesty with her but please remember she is a child. You are the responsible adult here. You decided to keep the bio dad out when he acted in a way that could harm her so in my opinion stick with that decision. You can explain to your daughter that you are happy to answer questions about him but you feel you made the best decision and your sticking with it. When she turns 18 she can decide whether to meet him or not. The reason I say this is the bio mom in my story let her son dictate how things happened which was really hard on him. We ended up going to court because she asked for back child support. My husband then sued for joint custody and was granted it. The bio mom was not happy, I don't think she ever thought that would happen. After that we would have scheduled visits and she would purposely run late or he wouldn't even be home. The last visit he was scheduled to fly to see us and he decided or she decide no at the last minute which left us sitting at the airport waiting for him. It was awful for all of us and especially my husband and our kids who love him.

I'm just saying if you let her see him, not only are you opening the door to him but to his whole life. I say stick with your original decision and wait until she's old enought. She may occasionally throw it in your face but as a mother we have to do things that are tuff sometimes.Hope this helps.

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I had a similar problem. My first husband left me with a 1 year old when I was pregnant. He decided he didn't want the responsibility. He just walked out and didn't pay child support. I remarried and my husband is the only father they've known. When the kids were about 3 & 5, my ex showed up again. Said he'd been told that the only way he could get his life together was to build a relationship with his kids. I could see that he was a mess. Poor personal hygiene, apparently using drugs, very nervous and tense. He wanted to start seeing the kids. I told him I would think about it. I talked to a counselor, a trusted friend, and he told me to leave it alone. The kids already had a dad and they didn't need the stress or confusion of getting to know another dad, especially one who was not stable. My ex and I talked on the phone a few times while I was sincerely trying to make up my mind what was best for the kids, and when he finally pressured me for an answer, I told him no. He never called again and about 8 years later, I learned that he'd died. When the kids were old enough, I told them about him, and told them I'd be glad to answer any questions at all about him, but even now, when they are 38 and 40, they aren't interested. I think deep down it affects them more than they realize (I also had a parent who walked out, and I know I have some issues that stem from that) but for now, at least, they don't seem to care.

So...after a rather long-winded story of my life, I think you're using wonderful judgment. You can see that he's totally self-centered and doesn't seem to really care about your daughter. That doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love her (in his capacity to do so) or that he would harm her in any way, but he's probably not going to be the father she thinks he would be. Maybe you can just stall things for awhile. If she's got a good relationship with your husband, he will be the dad she needs. Why confuse her.

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Don't facilitate this. You're right, he's self-centered and wants to prove to himself that he's a "good dad". This isn't about your daughter at all, it's about him. You owe him nothing. You owe your daughter safety, security and truth.

Cathy

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M., I was in the same situation, my dad looked for me when I was going to be 15. Since my actual dad knew about it because he married my mom when I was 2, we decided to receive him in our home and with my other two brothers we had like a formal visit in the living room, my dad (stepdad)greet him nicely and he felt horrible (bio dad). After 20 minutes, they left us alone and talked, but I told him he couldn't be my dad because he never raised me. The difference with your daughter is that I was more mature that yours now. I recommend you to wait until she asks again, talk to your husband and have a family meeting, and show him that she has a real family now, of course without saying it. Just show him!!

Good Luck

C.

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If this were my situation, I would drop the subject and let life go on as usual with soccer, piano, friends, etc. until your daughter continually brings it up and you feel she is ready to see him. If and when the day comes, go at it slowly.

Whatever is meant to be, I hope this works out perfectly for you and your daughter.

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This is really a tuff one. Children of divorce always have a void and adbandonment issue. I would probably be honest with her and let her know that he loves her to the best of his ability and his being out of her life is about him not her. Let her know if whe wants to have contact with him that you will arrange it but that he is not always dependable. Make sure you reinforce his problems are about him not her. Good luck.

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OH That is reallyhard! Im sorry for you mama! I think if you dont feel that he would be abusive or damaging to her than she should know her dad. He is a part of her and keeping them apart intetionaly is like saying there is something wrong with him, and maybe that is part of her you know. Being a jerk is pretty normal and she will probably learn MORE important things from that than less, Maybe how to deal with and except others who are as selfish as a man who gives up his kids! Now if you think he would hurt her deeply than maybe she is set with you and her dad(step dad) and can be around her real father when she isolder and can work out these hard things. GOOD luck! Just my opinion!

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You know,I think that she has every right to meet her dad. She expressed to you that she does want to meet him, and I think that if you don't tell her that you know where he is and that he wants to see her too, then it is the same as lieing to her and that will come back and bite you in the butt. I think that as one person said you might want to have the visits supervised and make sure that he has good intentions. But you have no right to keep them apart unless he is a danger to her. She should know in advance not to expect too much from him, and that he can be self centered, but try not to say it in a way that makes your daughter think that you don't approve of him as that will put distance between you and her if she should grow to have a relationship with him. Maybe let her know that while you don't approve of what he did in the past, that you do approve of him wanting a healthy relationship with her now. Let her know that your husband will always be her "daddy" and that if her bio father "chooses" to be mature and selfless like any "good" parent should be, well then she will be blessed with two "daddys". if you keep her in the dark, it is the same as lieing to her and she will hate you for that someday when she finds out! Don't do that to your relationship with her. Let her know that she can meet him whenever she is ready and he is willing (your not the barrier)! Then if they decide to meet be the good guy and invite him over for lunch or dinner with a time schedule of when he is to arrive and when he is to leave. The grown-ups will have to be just that in this situation , "grown up! " . If a meal is too much for all of you at this time what about a coffee and dessert?, or a picnic if you are not ready to bring him into your home. Or meet at a location where there is something you can all do (putt putt, skate rink, ice cream parlor) whatever, let them both know in advance that this is not going to end up with him taking her somewhere by himself at this time so don't even ask! good luck and I hope that you find a way to let your daughter have a chance to get to know her father, maybe she will figure out on her own that she doesn't really need him in her life after all! God bless!

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Oh my! If you agree to this meeting, be careful.
I would make sure that this was a carefully supervised meeting. I would not let her meet with him alone.

Your daughter will understand if you explain your reasons in a calm and sensible way. At they're first meeting, in my opinion, she should be surrounded by her mom and her real dad. (The man that raised her and loved her 'in sickness and in health' and through tears and joy, is her real daddy.)
You might want your other children to be elsewhere for that first meeting to reduce all aspects of chaos.
Then see how it goes. Choose a public place, on neutral ground for safety and to avoid having him in your home if he
suddenly starts to behave in an other than sane manner.
Remember, your first concern is the safety and sanity of your daughter.
I hope this has been of some help.

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I'd let it sit, if that is your instinct tells you. When she wants to meet him, she'll come out and ask. Your gut will tell you what to do next, so listen to your instincts on this one.

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First of all, I think you should get child support from the biological Dad from now until your child turns 18. If you do not need the money now, put it away for a college fund. Children do not get less expensive as they get older! Also, if you do not want to handle this personally, I know that you can go through the courts to get his wages garnished. Second of all, I feel there is mistrust of this individual, especially of his ability to act responsibly around your daughter. You can offer him supervised visits with her. I do not recommend you becoming "friends" with him at all. I am a teacher and work with all sorts of families and situations. I have had a lot of experience in this area, not personally, but professionally. J. K.

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I would say as long as he is safe to be around then to let her visit him with you and possibly Daddy (who raised her) be around for the first couple of visits to make sure everything is going good. Then after a few visits like that if she wants to visit him on her own let her. You need to let her come up with her own conclusion about him and how he is on her own this way later on in her life she can never say you kept her from him. This way she can see that you tried everything possible to let her be a part of his life if she choose too and she will figure out what kind of person he is on her own in time.

If you keep her from him then she may grow up resenting you for not letting her find out on her own and forming her own opinions about him. Just be open with her. Honesty is always the best policy. Wish you and your family luck with this.

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Wow...that is a tough situation. I would recommend talking to Dr. Burkhalter ###-###-#### (child psychologist) and an attorney before you make any final decisions about getting them together. There are just too many things that need to be considered. Kudos to you for even considering it & making the phone. Btw, I would NEVER give him that much of you time again. The calls with him should only be info about her....anything else is NOT important. Good luck & God bless!

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Dear April,
Congrats to you for being honest with your daughter...she sounds like a very mature child. Listen to what she said..."she wish she could meet him someday"...that is your answer.

She is way too young to have to deal with his self-centeredness...when she is a little older perhaps she can be better prepared to make an objective opinion regarding him...right now she might just get hurt.

She is lucky to have your husband as her father and you of course as her mother!

Sincerely,
J.

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I think that if your child is 10 that she is old enough to make her own decisions about her dad. She has you and her other dad and those are the people she will love most no matter what as you have been there for the main chunk of her life. I think she will be a more well-adjusted individual if she meets her father. I think you have been an amazing mom so far in handling the situation. As for being self-centered, of course he is otherwise he never would have left. I think if they want to meet under a controlled situation with you present but letting them talk no harm could come. If you build up to actual visits than even better for both bio dad and your daughter. If she doesn't meet him, she might resent you later and with rebel teen years around the corner it's better to get it done with now. Part of my advice has to do with the numerous adopted kids I have known in my life and how much many of them have wanted to know there birth parents. At this point you don't have to worry about some court taking her away for even partial custody or anything this should just all be about what is best for your daughter. But keep her expectations low, let her know it is just a meeting and not the start of a lifetime relationship. You don't want bio dad disappearing and disappointing her like he did before.

A little about me: SAHM to a 2 3/4 year old and almost 1 year old

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my sister was in a similar situation, and her new husband adopted her two girls because she did not want their bio in their life or hers. he never paid any child support either. so on down the road one of the girls wanted to see her "dad" and long story short she went to visit him and has had nothing to do with him since. of course she was an adult by the time she saw him

my sister has a wonderful family now, four beautiful daughters and all doing well. he has not had a burning desire to be a part of her life and she is just curious, let it go

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hey girl...

ive been thinking on this some more, and have come to the conclusion that you should talk to Mol some more about and see how serious she is about it. After all you were the one that told her you would think on it, so I dont think waiting for her to appoach you again is the best...especially the way she is. If she does tell you that this is something thats important to her now, then you need to have the sit down with him and explain the rules. After that is established with him and he agrees, then talk to her again... make sure and let her know that you guys are going to try this out, but at any time you are her Mom and she is only 10, so its your job to make the best decesion you can to protect her until she is old enough to do that.... she may not understand why you make a decesion, but she needs to understand that whatever decesion you have to make along the way is the best for her. I really think that its important for you do this bc she will always know that you tried. I also think that it could save her years of growing up with the feelings of he didnt want me, that could very well effect her as a grown up in a negative way. Hope for the best, and go into it that way. Hope that this will give her a relationship with him, and time to develop one while she is still a child. Oh and this is super important cuz I know you... do not let HIM suck you into being his friend... bc that could be a disaster... you dont want his focus to turn on YOU and not her... you know what I mean!! My gut, is that this could be a positive thing for her!!! Ok thats it. Luv ya!

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I was and am in the same situation as you. I left it up to my daughter she may just want to meet him out of curiosity but he is her bio dad not that that means anything to me or you but you know what i mean let her be the one to say i want to meet him i'm sure there are some days she wants to and other days she doesn't let them meet and let her decided if she wants to continue having a relationship with the bio dad if things were ment to be they will continue if not than they really were not ment to be but she will continue to ask especially when she gets older and than theres the side if you don't let them meet she will blame you for it later in her life. She may just want to find out for herself what does it mean to her and maybe she will want to know if she needs him or if she is doing just fine. My husband never got to meet his dad and regrets it everyday and somedays he second gueses himself I believe knowing where you came from biologically makes you feel more confidant than not knowing who and where you came from

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Let her contact him and have as much time and information about him as she wants. She'll figure out just what you have and appreciate your trust in her to do that. If you don't, you'll be the "bad guy" keeping her from people and information she wants to have - and she'll feel it's "fair" to do the same to you later. Openness, truth, honesty - given in a calm loving way - are always the way to go and a wonder example to set. The example you set for this situation will pave the way for the many that are to come in her teen years.

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I have a friend in the same boat, ( thow her kid is not old enough to ask ), and I will tell you the same thing I have told her........
1. Never say anything negative about her birth dad!!!
2. Allways keep a pic of him in the open... ( this way she cant say that you never told her of him or that you kept him a seccret... this pic can even be in her room, her bath room, ect)
3. Make sure that he allways knows your current phone number and address... ( no po box)
4. This is the most important!!!! YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER CANT MAKE HIM BE A DADDY!!! IF HE WANTS TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER IT IS UP TO HIM TO TAKE THAT STEP!!! Your daughter is a child,,, and it should NEVER be up to her to make the first step to have a relationship with her father.....

If you do these simple things,, you and your daughter will be happy. She can never say anything bad about you consirning her dad, because you allways kept him "in the loop". If he chooses not to use the info you provide, than that is his choice, and he WILL answer to her one day. And she will ask him one day "why were you never there when mom allways made sure you knew where I was", and she will ask......

I can speak to this from personal experiance...... I was a product of a divorce... My mom never said anything bad about my " Dad " to me or my sis. I am now 28 and a mom myself, and I HATE the man!!!!! As I have grown, I have seen the way he is, and the kind of man he is.... So without going in to it, ( if you want to know, e-mail me ____@____.com and I will tell you more about it) I have learned how to tell kids about the non presant parent........ Let me know if this helps... M.

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You are in a tough situation, wanting to please your daughter and not harm her at the same time. As I see it, the ball is in his court, since he is the adult. Most likely, he won't pursue meeting your daughter, what with his background and all. I think she is old enough for you to be totally honest with her about him and leave it at that - saying it is up to him to come forward. When she turns 18 then she can decide if she wants to meet him. Make sure this situation does not affect the rrelationship she now has with her in home dad -he truly is her REAL dad and I hope she knows that.

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I to have children with a biological father that has nothing to do with them. Remember it is soley his loss. One day when he needs her she will think back and remember who has been there for her. I to married a man that my kids consider their father. Any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad. My husband always tells my children that it doesnt matter the last name(my ex wont allow him to adopt them) they are his children in his heart and he loves them as much as he could possibly love someone. People change. I understand that. It is a hard decision. May God bless you and keep you.

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consider moving forward in baby steps, and only if your daughter pushes hard. step one, he can write her a letter every two weeks. let it stay at that level for a few months. if he's consistent, then allow emails once a week. then move to phone calls once a week. by this point, several months or a year will have passed and you'll know what he's really interested in and if he'll follow through. and how it's affecting her. then, and only then, would i allow a supervised visit in a neutral place.

what about his parents? they may be able to answer some of her questions, and possibly be more stable?

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Hi April,
Hopefully in the 3 hr. con., You found out specifics:
where he lives, works, etc....
No I'm not going to say stick the sucker for child support.
DO A BACKGROUND CHECK...
Be prepared when you go to the attorney and counselor.
Definite counseling, she is reaching her rebelious yrs.
This is the time to watch her closely. If everyone decides the relationsship should move forward, just be ready. Make sure that your husband maintains his honor as DADDY, he desrves respect from you, her, and the utmost respect from this other guy. He should be a big part of everything. Kudos to him for picking up where this loser left off.
God Bless

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If she's asking to meet him then you should respect that. But it might be good to warn her in advance about how unreliable and irresponsible he is and that it has to do with his character and not her. Not everyone has great or good fathers and she will make up her own mind about him. She now feels like there is a void and I don't think you want her to be walking through the world feeling incomplete.
It seems that you are right about his immaturity in being a father, so, with that said, maybe in his own shallow, selfish way he does love her and truly care for her. It is not likely that he will change one day, but if he did, that could be 20, 30 years or more, or less, but it would be wasted moments for them both.
Hope this helps. God bless!

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OMG - I so feel your pain in all this.

My daughter is almost 4 and as her father can visit his brother who lives right next door to me, yet he can not seem to find the time to walk the 50 ft to visit his daughter. she knows his truck, sees it outside and asks about him. Lucky me though - we have been lucky lately as to not be home on the weekends any longer.... so she doesnt seem him....

He has been ordered by OAG to pay CS for hte last two years... Hmmmm - thats not happening and he knows the system to well for me to get it enforced. He moves all the time, changes jobs, puts his rental and so forth is his girlfriends name..... so - I am stuck. He claims he is unemployed.

His older daughter only lives an hour away and is 14 already and he knows her as well as he knows my daughter. They say history repeats itself.... and now he is on child three with his girlfriend.... not that I wish them ill, my preference is just for his to stay away completely. If he chooses to give up his rights to my daughter, I am alright to that as well... but that means he is to NEVER contact her - even if hse is 30. However, if she chooses to contact him - then that is her decision.

Anyhow - back to your question.

When his oldest daughter was at her grandmas house, she saw a picturewith him in it! So, her mother tracked us down and we met up with them. We made all the drives and met them at her softball tournies and we (or should I say I) picked her up on te weekends.

We went through the same thing all over again. Its always about him and never about the children. He never had the time to drive and pick her up, he never had the time to drive her home, he barely made it to her games. Before long I was the one with the relationship. As much as I love that little girl and love her as my own.... I began to see what was happening.

I was glad that her mother allowed her the opportunity to meet her father (bio dad)... she was old enough and mature enough to see him for what he really was.... she made that judgement. I would do the same thing. However, if your daughter says one day - let her tell you when that one day is here. Keep his information and when she says - mom I am ready.... go with her. You and your husband.... be there for support and let them spend time together on her schedule.... she will make the decisions on her own.

When my daughter is old enough that is my plan as well...

Good luck and have faith in your daughter. In the meantime I have kept a journal of every phone conversation and every visit and every intended (but cancelled) visit. i ddo not put my thoughts into it - just the facts. He showed up and stayed this long, he called and this is what was said, etc..... when she is old enough - she can read it and see the pattern herself!

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Hi April, your child has every right to meet her Dad. I know that he is not the most trust worthy but that's her Dad. I just hope that after meeting your girl he woun't dissapear. I just make sure to have supervised visits for a while. Good luck and God bless you all.

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I say, maybe let him see her, with you there, present of course!... I would not like him seeing her, alone, for a good while... He needs to prove himself... I am a stay at home MOM, of one precious little baby boy--- 10 mo, and the Dad, left at 3 mo. or 4 mo, after the baby was born... said, he wasn't his, even though we had a DNA test done... He paid a little child support, those first 3 months, but now is fleeing child support, and another DNA test, the courts here in TEXAS, require another one... done in TEXAS...He just runs and runs, away from the law, away from the court's DNA test, away from child support....He is a true jerk--- and I had a hard hard time coming to grips with that.. I loved him... part of me, still wishes he would just ''straighten up''.. but I will never let him back now.....! Your Bio Dad, of your daughter, may be self-centered, but your daughter is truly interested, and is 10... that's not 18.... but--- her feelings do matter... What do you and your husband think??? I hope you will make the best decision... You will. I wish you all the love, luck and happiness, for you and your family!!!!!

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Hi April,
Well, here goes. My thought is that if you keep her from seeing her bio dad now, she will one day find out about it, and resent you for that. Is that a chance you want to take? I would allow him to meet with you and your daughter so that she would be supervised, and also discuss this with your husband and ask how he thinks it should be handled so that he doesn't feel left out. Let us all know what you decide. Best of luck. There are no easy answers if life sometimes.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear April,

This touches home greatly. I went through this myself. My ex never had parental rights until he took me to court 3 years ago (I suspect it was his new wife's idea of a complete family for him). My daughter when she was younger asked questions and I answered them as honestly as I could. Then out of the blue he decides he wants to be a daddy. I never received a dime nor medical support for her for over 12 yrs (we were married and he told EVERYONE in our church that she wasn't his!!!). To have him all of a sudden pop into her life and be court ordered to visit him after a paternity test that proved he was her biological father, threw her into a tizzy and caused her plenty of pain. I am legally in contempt, but so is my ex. He stopped fighting to see her when he saw that she ignored him and was blatantly hateful to him. I blame him for the way my daughter perceives him. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. Last year, he sent her her Christmas present on her birthday and months later he sent her a birthday gift. My daughter truly feels that "IF" he wanted a true relationship with her, then he should have done things differently. On another note, I never knew my biological father until I was 21. I searched for him and found him. My mother was livid, but I was an adult and my husband supported me 100%. He died in 1990 with cancer and I helped to care for him until the day he died. I had a good relationship with my father and I was blessed with his presence.

Now....your situation is difficult at best. I concur that your ex just wants to really be friends with you (not a bad thing really) this is a nice step in the right direction. If he truly wants to be in her life, then let him. Time will tell. I've seen dads come and go in their children's lives and some never return or give up their parental rights to the "new" daddy. One thing he must do is take responsibility for her by paying child support and giving medical insurance. That's is his responsibility too. You may need to go to court for this. I can tell you that it is worth it. For me, I reclaimed my life and proved my ex a liar. I told the truth while he lied and ruined my relationship in my church because he had people thinking that I cheated on him when I never did. I now have freedom from his malicious gossip and proved that she was his. He was forced to provide support and I even got back child support. He proved his mettle....he backed out of her life, yet still pays his child support.

I can tell you to pray, to ponder what is truly right for your child. Talk it over with your husband. Would he consider adopting your daughter? These are just questions to be asked for your daughter's future.

I hope things work out for you and your family.

Sincerely,

P.

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IMHO I would set up a meeting. Just really informal and with you there. She will probably come to the same opinion that you have about him and then be there so she can process the information. Then if she decides that her dad is not interessted in her she will know that it is him and not her. She will learn that just because her dad doesn't care it doesn't change who she is.

Explain to her before hand what you have observed about him and his personality.

It might actually be very good for her to meet him then she will understand that he is just selfish and that is why he has few relationships and no contact with her.

Good luck,

Debra

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WOW!!!! To tell you the truth I am sort of going thought the begining of what you have already gone through. @ this point my daughter just turned 1 in Jan and her father and I split up in October. But like in your situation he was coming around. He was helping me alot with her you know taking her to the doctor when I was working, he was taking her maybe 2 or 3 days out of the week sometimes. For her birthday he had even had a little birthday party for her. He had called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if he could take her for 2 weeks in June for a vacation with him and her brother (he has a son from a provious marriage). SO I told him ok, but now he just called me yesterday and came up with this story that knocked me right out of my boots. He said that he wanted me to accept these papers that he has signed, signing over his rights as a father. He said that he is just thinking of the best for this child and that is is unhealthy for her to be going back and forth from one parent to another. He said its too much for a child let alone a baby to handle and it will later on confuse her. I explained to him that I was not going to accept these papers and I did not think it was in the best interest for our daughter. I told him 1 it is not my job to make you come see her, spend time with her or even remind you that you do have a daughter. If you chose not to see her for who knows how long that is one thing, but I will not let you give up your rights as her father just for the fact that she is yours. 2- I let him know that nor is it my responsablilty to talk down about him to her or should I have to be the one to tell her why her daddy is not around. I firmly believe that if he is choosing not to see her then he should be the one to explain it to her in the long run. So thats my advice to you as well. Your daughter is @ that age where she is full of questions, questons she will share and questions she will keep inside. I think that you should ask his if he has ever thought about your daughter and if so why has he not been around to see her grow. If he still thinks that this will mess up what you have with your life then still he is not ready. He is not ready to see what he missed out on. I call it selfishness!!! He is only thinking of his own. IF your daughter is serious about wanting to see him start her off by letting her write a letter to him enclosing a picture of herself. Also explain to her that she may or may not get a reponse just so she is not heartbroken if she doesnt. Before you send it out let him know that he is going to recieve a letter from his daughter and she is waiting for a responce. Like I said it is his reponsability to answer those questions. I hope this was helpful to you and if it was not Im sorry!!
T.

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you have gotten good responses, i really like the one where someone said you should not facilitate this, call a lawyer, etc. i know you have moved on and have a great family, but for their sake, do not talk to your ex for three hours ever! that is hurtful to everyone, it really is inappropriate. get that lawyer's name handy, and keep your relations with your ex distant!

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Hi-

This certainly is a tough one. I think as a parent we have to put our children first, even if that means keeping a safe distants from the biological father. Her life should not be about taking care of an ill parent. Not to be harsh, but people rarely change and even if the intentions are not meant to be harmful the outcome and still be.

She is still so young perhaps when she is older (18's a good age!) if still interested she can meet him.

GOOD LUCK!

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I do understand the bio dad. First I am sure she feels the man you are married to all these years is her "daddy". I say it that way, because anyone can be a father but not everyone can be a "daddy". Talk with him too. His feelings are going to be involved and she might for a while be confused about it on who is dad. I had a similuar situtation and the father was in his life. But with a lot of prayer and a wonderful husband like it sounds like you have. My child who is now 13 has been calling him "daddy" right infront of his father. The child knows who truly loves her. Pray about it and go at it as a team, you and your husband, and you can't make a wrong choise. Might have some hard times while she is tring to figure it all out, but she will see who is there now and ALWAYS has been, and who she can COUNT on in the future.

God Bless you and good luck.

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Girl, I think I could write you a mini-novel on this subject. We are from similar molds...I was in college, dated a guy for 2 years, got pregnant and had my wonderful son. He is almost 15. We did however go to court, had papers drawn up, etc--and he did pay child support for several years. His visitation was limited and VERY sporatic to say the least. Now that he has 4 other children with his wife, and child support checks were coming later and later and a few were hot, and my son voiced concern about where he would live if something would happen to me...I plugged the idea of ceasing child support in return for him signing his rights away. However, I left the option for him to visit anytime he liked, so that nothing really changed, except he owed me no money and he can't have my son if I die. My son has always lived with me alone, until I married my wonderful husband 5 years ago.
So, with that background info, let me just say, children (well most) will always be curious about the absent parent. I mean, wouldn't you be? And, they usually have fantasy ideas about that parent...because they don't know any better. I say, (like I am an expert or something! HA!), let the subject fade until she brings it up again. If she presses, I say, meet for lunch--I wouldn't leave her alone with him. Don't have him into your home. Meet in public, make it casual and make sure you stay there at all times. See how that goes. You might be stressing about something that will never come to be or it just might be so uneventful that you will get in the car after meeting with him and think..."Hum...that wasn't so bad after all!" My best advice is cliche, but never speak bad of him infront of her...do it behind closed doors and just be honest and very matter of fact with her. It sounds like you already have been, but keep that up--even if he ends up to still be a little nutty or whatever. Eventually, (though she might be 30) she will come to understand what everything is all about and she will be thankful that you were the bigger person. At one stage of our saga, my son's father didn't have much money and I even allowed him and his wife to stay in my house, while they visited my son for a few days. It honestly wasn't a big deal. And, I had my son close, and he didn't have to go to some yucky hotel and maybe someday he will think back to the sacrifices I made and know that I only did those things out of love for him...obviously...we all make unbelieveable sacrifices for our kiddos. And let me just say, his father now comes once a year, at Christmas time, for about a 24 hour span. He now takes my son out for the day, brings him home for the evening, he stays in a hotel, comes back in the morning to pick my son up for breakfast and usually brings him home before lunch. It is uneventful, expected and not a big deal. It does make me sad that his father isn't willing to commit more time, but it is just the way it is and I am gently honest with my son about it when he asks. We never talk about it, unless he brings it up. Oh, and just FYI--his father lives in Dallas, so it isn't like he is far away either. Good luck with all of this...it is a life time of mini-worries and stressors, but just do what is right for your daughter and she will come out of this all ok. :) Take care! jen

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When you are ready to handle all the questions and responsibilities of going to that next level, ask her if she would like to meet him. She has a right, he's her dad. I wouldn't be worried if he's self-centered, just as long as she's safe. She'll probably see that for herself. Talk it over with your husband and do what's right for your family! It will all work out. Just take it slow and proceed when your ready.

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Ok first this is your daughter, if your gut is telling you no then i would take caution. But at the same time she is 10, she has the right to meet him and see for herself, she knows at this age that she has a daddy (the one who takes care of her and loves her all these years), but she is going to meet her father, there is a HUGE difference. He may be talking about himself alot to you because he wants you to know that he has changed?? not sure, or maybe that things are going good or bad, ect., i would listen to alot of it, because that would give you clues as to what is going on in his life, and what would happen while she is around him. I would suggest the first time that she meets him maybe you, her and him should meet at mcdonalds or somewhere public, that way you can monitor the situation, i would sit with them but let them talk, unless she has questions that maybe both of you need to answer. Anyway, she may get bored with him talking about himself all the time that she may not want to meet him again. Just remember she has a Daddy, now she wants to meet her father, anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a daddy. I hope this helps you, Good Luck!!!

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let her know the trueth and if she wants to see him and get to know him let her. don't bad mouth him or keep it from her because when she is older and finds out she could hold it against you. If he is a jerk then let her found out herself it makes you look like the better person. my son is 11 and is dad is just now coming in the picture and I have never kept anything from him so now he has alot of explaining to do. just stand behind her on what ever she decides, even if she decides to move in with him just let her know your door is always open and she will respect that when the time comes.

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Though I've already given you a huge story of my husband and step-son I would like to add one thing. You need to make sure that he IS self centered and not just trying to show you that he has grown and can handle the responsibility of being around your daughter. It would not be such a bad thing if he was talking about himself so much because he felt like he needed you to be comfortable with who he is before you give him the opportunity to be around your child.

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April,

I had a very similar life. My son's father and I were married, but divorced. He was very selfish and self centered (still is). He picked up his son, only to appease his parents. When they passed on, he didn't assume his fatherly rights. His father, who re-married and has never had any other children, always proclaimed his love to me. My son has always been the one to "look him up" and stay in touch. Children always want to know the parent who didn't raise them, regardless of the situation. You can't come between that(as much as we may want to) they are currious. Your child will "know" on her own, like mine, who they can "Count on" and who is "Always there" for them, no matter what. Life has a funny way of dealing with so called "fathers" rather biological parents. My ex who never gave me child support, thought his College was more important than my sons, unfortunately, he is retired at an early age with a terminal illness. My son is still struggling to pay for his College education on his own, and visits his father regularly at the hospital.
L.

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dear april b,

i, unfortunately, know your situation first hand. My son's father walked out on when he was only 2 days old. He came back a few times until he was about a month old, then never came back. When my son was 9 months old, the guy that is now his daddy came in to our lives. My son calls my now-husband "papi." My husband and i finally talked about the future a few nights ago. My husband worries that my little boy is older he deny him as being his father. The only thing i can say in this situation is that it really is a matter of time will tell. I personally will do as you did, and my son will always know that his "papi" is not his blood father but that his "papi" would die for him. But i know the time will come when he will wonder if he is like his bio dad. All you can really do is talk to her. i know you have heard this a million times...put your self in her position. Wouldn't you wonder who he is? and What he is like? She in time will decide if she wants him in her life or not. If you have raised her with your values then she will see things the way you do. Good luck

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I can give you a little perspective from the other side of the fence. My husband made the same mistake when he was younger. At some point after he did a lot of growing up and we had our first child together he spoke with the mother and made the same decision to not confuse or hurt his son because he did not know of him and knew his step Dad as Daddy. Well a few years later we heard from his Mom again and found out her relationship had gone south and she was getting a divorce. She somewhat encouraged a new relationship between my husband and his son and had already told him of his real Dad. At this point he was 10. It has been tough getting to know his as a little bit older child but he was very accepting of his Dad. I think perhaps he needed him at that time in his life. He is now 13 and there is one big problem. I don't think his Mom fully understood that we now expect to have a realtionship with him. We live several states away and it is not exactly convenient to see him but we have been more than willing to go up there and pay for him to come down here. At first she blamed child support because my husband failed those responsibilities as well but for over 3 years now he has faithfully paid current and back support. Also we have been more than glad to pay for visits, school supplies, bus fees, school clothes, etc.... Now there is always some other excuse to not let us see him. My husband and I have hoped to avoid court because it would be much better spending money on the above things but it looks like we will have to go that route. My point to you is make sure you can handle the situation because one visit may not just be one visit. Your child will show you what she needs and it may be to have that relationship with her Dad but you need to be able to accept it. It is so very hard when things like religion come into the mix or visitation. I love my step son very dearly just as my husband and my children do and he is very close to us as well but it sure doesn't mean it's easy! Your husband will have to do some major sould searching to share his little girl I'm sure!

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I think a 10 year old is old enough to be legitimately curious about her biological father. I agree with those who have said "stall", maybe show her a picture and explain that he left because he wasn't ready. If she (and he) keep wanting to meet, you should pick something neutral, with you there (and maybe NOT the other 2, since they will just ask awkward questions at that age!) like meet for ice cream or something. To leave that issue unanswered will breed resentment in the future. But definitely, whatever you do, don't leave them alone together or give out your daughter's phone number (if she has a private one) or anything, since you never know what he will do or what kind of person he has become!

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Wow. If he's a self-centered person, he won't do your daughter much good and will complicate your life. Hold off until she's really interested, and have him initiate the contacts. (Since he's so self-centered, he may never do that!)

Maybe the thing to do would be to get his address and your daughter could write to him and ask him about himself (after she expresses an interest again). If what you say is true, about him being self-centered, then he should have no problem telling her about himself. At her age, she may not necessarily notice if he doesnt seem to ask her a lot about herself, at least at first. However, I would definitely have a "sit-down" with him about topics that are and are not appropriate, such as your and his relationship.

Good luck!

I know exactly what you are going through because I was in her same situation. I would love to share my experiences with you about getting in contact with my bio dad and can shed some light on her fascination etc. I know this sounds weird, but i have three kids,one of whom is standing here screaminga t me right now and driving me crazy so can you call me at ###-###-####! H. Fife

OK, I got a second...I grew up with my step-dad since I was five. He ended up adopting me legally, which I think is a really good idea. First of all it can be a real bonding thing between your husband and her. If you haven't make it legal already, he can go to her and tell her how much he loves her and that he wants to show her that she will always be his little girl and that he wants her to have his name. You can do this legally since she is still a child, but it helps with her being so old, to include her in this decision making process.

The other thing is, that it will get ugly in the teen years if it hasn't already. Whenever a child finds out that a parent is not biologically theirs, they will either think or say "you aren't my real Father" at one point in time or another regardless of how close they have become. This is not a true statement of how the child feels, it is a reaction to the feelings teenagers have about their parents as a normal part of growing independence and rebellion to rules and regulations. Decide RIGHT NOW what you will say if it is ever verbalized and make sure she knows it will never happen again! Support your husband and be really firm...do not let her get away with saying something that will no doubt hurt your husband terribly.

That said, your daughter is still young, but is probably more and more intrigued about the other half of her biological makeup. My mother told me my father was a loser and a chronic liar. He could never hold a job. My step-father was really smart, but being in the military was really strict, something I hated. So I was always curious what life with my Bio Dad would be like (I had quite an active imagination). I didn't actually meet him till I was out of the house and looking at marrying and having children. By then my interests were to know about my family medical history...twins in the family, cancer, heart disease history and that kind of thing. I do think that it is important to know these kinds of things, because now I know that I have heart disease on both sides of the family tree.

So I called the guy who never paid my Mother a dime, who agreed to sign the adoption papers for a couple of hundred bucks and who never even sent a birthday card...a guy who had never seen me since I was two. Once I told him who i was, he said "How are you baby girl?!!" I wanted to puke. I thought, what nerve. Then he gave me a sob story about wanting to get in touch with me all of these years, but that my Mother had said no, etc.

I HAVE TO GO NOW, MY TWO AND FOUR YEAR OLD JUST PAINTED MY BEDROOM FURNITURE WITH MY 5YEAR OLDS WHITE AND ORANGE NAILPOLISHES...I WILL WRITE THE MOST IMPORTANT PART HERE AS SOON AS I CAN...

Ask him if he has any desire to get to know his daughter. If he does let him write her a letter addressed to you so you can make sure it's ok for her to read, if he wants to get to know her let him do it through a letter 1st, and see if he can keep his attention enough geared toward her and continue to stay in touch and not lose interest after just a few letters then move to maybe physical visits. If he just comes in and out of her life every few years or so it will do more damage to her then never getting to know him. Otherwise just leave it alone until she is much older and be able to understand why her Dad was an absent dad a little better.

Your daughter sounds great. There are several issues that you brought up. One, the bio dad has not paid child support since your daughter was one. Two, he has not tried to contact her since she was one and three, he said he may not be the bio dad. These three issues concern me. I would contact Child services. They can advise you on all three issues.