S.A. asks from Idaho Falls, ID on March 28, 2008
Biolagical Dad Want to Be Part of Daughters Life
Ok here is the thing i live with my boyfreid Cris we just moved in to a house i am pregnant with his child and am due June 29 We have been togehter for about a year and ahalf now by four year old daughter just loves Cris she calles him dad and he is a dad to her in every way that counts since we have been together. Just latly she has been saying that cris is going to adopt her and her thought on adoption comes form a disney show where they adopted a puppy and that puppy became part of the family the puppy had a really family now. So that is what her point of adoption comes from but anyway about a week ago her biolagical dad called and ask to be apart of her life. I have agreed to a lunch with him so he can see her. From day one he hasn't been in her life he pays childsupport but that has been it he never sees her or calls to see how she is doing and now that she has someone in her life that she consiters her dad he comes in to her life well is tring to anyway. any advice do i let him be apart of her life. or tell him what is what. Me and Cris are planning to get married after the baby is born. and He wants to adopt my daughter. what do i do help.
So What Happened?™
First thank you every one for you respones. Thing went ok i guess We meet Saturday at noon Destiny (my daughter) Did have much to say to him and didn't really want to. for her it was a hi bye kinda thing. For me on the other hand. it was hard. I haven't quit figured out if it is his wife that is forceing him to be apart of her life or if it is the fact that they just had a baby and he is seeing what he missed with Destiny or if he is just growing up maybe it is alittle of both. who knows but I have agreed to try.. but one screw up and it will stop and i mean screw ups like get put back in jail or something like that. or breaking a promise with out a good reasone. We will see from here. again thanks to all. best wishes
N.S. answers from Pocatello on March 28, 2008
How blessed your daughter is to have both her biological dad and future adoptive dad wanting a relationship with her! Give him the chance. And be patient. The fact is, he probably will screw up with something at some point. I dare say, you have or will, and your boyfriend has or will too... we all screw up. So patience will be needed. But your daughter will be benefit greatly if you do this. I'm not saying let him jerk her around, there will need to be compromises and forgiveness though. Find out more of what his expectations are... and make sure he knows what you expect. And then work with him on it. And GOOD LUCK!!! You'll need it... it's a really hard position for you to be in. But better for your daughter than her always wondering why her first dad never wanted her, or resenting you somehow.
N.C. answers from Denver on March 28, 2008
Tough one. I was adopted at the age of five by my grandparents, I had always lived with them, but they waitied so long to try and give my biological mom a chance. My biological parents were still in high school when I was born. I've never met my biological father. I really wanted to, especially when I was a teenager. My Dad (and I'm a big Daddy's Girl) really lost it over that. It made it hard on me. Even tho your daughter is young, I'm sure she understands a lot. She deserves the chance to form her own opinions of her birth father. People grow and change, who knows maybe he's a better/more mature person now. Course he could be like my birth mom and end up being a worthless piece of poo (now there's some venting for you :) You'll just have to monitor as best as possible what's best for your little girl. I do think it's best to give them the chance to know one another tho. Even if it ends badly, you can always have the knowledge that you didn't stand between her and her birth father. And if it doesn't work out, then it should also make it easier for Cris to adopt her. As far as her relationship with Cris, they will still have that! Believe me. Even if I had met the man who helped make me nothing would ever take away who my Daddy is to me. He raised me, loved me, was always there. Someone who's only there every blue moon can never be what Cris is to her. The words Mother and Father are very honored to me. It's not just making a baby and pushing it out. Mother and Father means love, devotion, being there to wipe away your tears when your sad and jump for joy with you when your happy. Even if Cris is not able to adopt her, she will grow with the knowledge that even tho he may not legally be her Father, he is her Father thru love. I wish you the best, congrats on the soon to arrive newbie and wedding.
J.S. answers from Colorado Springs on March 28, 2008
Congrats on the new edition! I am going to be honest here. If he is paying child support and has been then he deserves the right to have a relationship with her real dad. Now I think if your daughter is smart enought to see the adoption part, then maybe you can talk to her about her dad. You can never have too many people loving your daughter! It is both of their rights to have a relationship with one another. You have to let him have a chance otherwise you should not take money from him for support. Aplaud him because some men walk away and never come back. Also, you have a great boyfriend for treating your daughter like his own. Some men do not do that either. Hope that helps! Until he does something wrong give him a chance.
H.R. answers from Colorado Springs on March 28, 2008
My husband's mother and father divorced when he was 2 years old. His dad cheated on his mother, so I can kind of understand why she was so angry with him, but she kept their two children from him. He tried to reach out to the kids but she stopped him at every turn. When she remarried, she did not want their father to have any contact, but she wanted child support so she would not allow their step dad to adopt them. So she continued to collect child support but thier dad was in the military and she would not let the kids go to him to see him. If this wasnt bad enough, she demonized him in front of the kids, even when my husband and I were dating. I was afraid to meet him because of all the awful things she said about him (now that I know both of them, I can see why he cheated; she is awful).
But here is the low down. Your ex has the right to see his child. It doesnt matter what his motives are; if you keep him away from her, she will resent what you did when she gets older, and you could be in legal trouble. Cris sounds like a wonderful man, and it is great that he wants to adopt her. But the truth is, she has a father who wants some sort of relationship with her. It will be good for your daughter to have a relationship with her father, and you should not keep her away from him. Who know's, maybe he will get bored and this issue will become a non issue. Your ex will have to give his permission for Cris to adopt your daughter anyway.
S.B. answers from Boise on March 29, 2008
If your daughters bio wants to be part of her life then you should allow it and encourage it. He has been paying support for her which is more than some would do. My parents divorced when I was very young and my daddy (step) was the light of my life but I can tell you honestly my mom never said one bad thing about my father and never kept me from him. I love her more for that. She let me form my own opinions of him and have whatever type of relationship I choose with him. He is my friend now but I would never consider him to be a big part of making me who I am.
I have two kids who's bio is a piece of poo, calls rarely, sees them maybe once a year if that and overall seems to forget he has two kids. BUT he pays his child support on time and in his own way I know he loves his kids. I will never speak bad about him to the kids nor will I allow anyone else to either. They will see for themselves as they grow and they do. They consider their stepdad to be their daddy.
As for adoption it takes the bio parent to walk away completely and give his consent I would never take that option because you can never have to many people to love a child.
Give him a chance to be a dad and see what happens he may suprise you.
N.H. answers from Missoula on March 29, 2008
i never knew my dad until my mother had passed away and i was 23. from that perspective i say let him try, see where it all goes with the bio dad. it will matter so much to your daughter. she should know her dad if it is possible. you don't have to bend over backwards for the guy just be civil and mature about it. it may be hard but try and take your own feelings out of it and do what will be best to help he and your daughter have a positive relationship. give it a shot. if it works out she will have two guys in her life to love her. what could be wrong with that? also when your new baby gets here your daughter will know that your BF is her real daddy(the new baby's). maybe having her real daddy around may help with any jealousy she may be feeling? she may like to have a dad around who pays attention to just her and not the new baby. just a thought good luck and congrats on the new little one!