"Big Kid Question - My Teens Are Staying up All Night"

Absoulutey hold that family meeting to tell them that bed time is back in action. And follow some of those other suggestions about taking away what makes it fun to stay up all night. But also, set ther summer schedule. Up at 5:30/6, jog around the house or some type of group exercise, breakfast, strenous activities all day long, etc. You must need a lot of help around the house. Give them chores. I'm kind of being facetious here, I know it's easier said than done, but the point is to set the bed time rule and then wear them out so it's easier for them to follow. I had a similar situation with my two oldest staying up late and sleeping in late. They also weren't cleaning their room after repeated requests. I got up one morning and went marching in their room with the vacumn cleaner at 5 a.m. I started vacumning and listening to talk news radio really loud. They were p.o.'d but they got the message.

You really have your hands full, and I commend you for the job you are doing as a single parent. The best gift you can give your kids for the long term is strength and self-discipline. The thing to remember, although you certainly feel outnumbered, is that you control pretty much everything. You need to determine their "currency" - that it, what do they value and want. In a few years, it will be driving. Our son really stepped up to the plate when it came to the car keys! So did my brother many years ago - so I have watched that happen and I repeated it myself.

We never allowed our son to have all the latest games (Nintendo, PlayStation, etc.) and although he often felt deprived, he learned to do other things. He does have a cell phone and an iPod and a computer, but he knows that we control them. Whatever your kids have, take them away or regulate their use. Make them earn their privileges. Same goes for TV and friends/sleepovers or trips to the mall. Even snack food. Just tell them that they are not rested enough to use them or not mature enough to have them if they cannot follow instructions or take care of themselves or be respectful of you. THese are the house rules, period.

You can do any creative things that work for you. You can take their toys and put them in the attic (unless the high heat will wreck the computer!) or lock them up. You can give them to a friend to safeguard. You can ask the cell phone company to suspend a number for a month - they sometimes do that for people who have lost a phone so no one else can use it, and then you can have it turned back on it when the phone is "found". Don't drive them to the mall and, if they whine, tell them you don't listen to that tone. Every time they whine or yell, add another day to the punishment. Consequences add up. If you know where the circuit breakers are and can shut off the power in their rooms without losing something important, do it. Make sure they don't know how you did it. Take the TV out or give the remote to a friend. Once we put all our son's toys in the attic because he wasn't cleaning up. We left his books and favorite stuffed animals, but no Legos and trucks. Whatever your kids think they "need", they don't really.

I would just say not to threaten what you cannot deliver on, and don't repeat endlessly. Set the rules, and stick to them. You say you are a tough-love mom so you know HOW to do this - so all you have to do is pick the things they really value, and let them know that these are temporary privileges which can be revoked when the boss is ticked off!

You can call a family meeting if you think you can keep it organized without all of them complaining, or you can make a chart of jobs & rules & penalties. Some people even have the kids participate in setting the penalties - if that works for you, go for it. But make sure they don't think they are in charge - they can make suggestions which you can veto.

They are also getting to the age when you can show them the monthly expenses for mortgage, groceries, electricity, gasoline, clothing, insurance, property taxes, and so on - it can be pretty eye-opening!

Good luck and hang in there!

Hi C.,

I don't have teens, but here's my suggestion. Call a family meeting. Tell them that bedtime is back in order. It's time for business. I would have them set goals for the summer - what they want to accomplish before school starts again. Some of them are old enough for summer jobs - mowing lawns, weeding gardens, walking dogs, volunteer in the community, etc. They need a good night's rest before work. They could all keep up on their academic skills. Rest and exercise are important for the brain and body along with a good diet. All help keep the brain happy and help in learning. I'd set up a daily routine so that they know what their expectations are, where they need to be and when, and keep them focused on a goal.

Good luck,
: ) Maureen

Hi C.,

I don't have teenagers, so I will confess that whatever suggestions I give come not from experience but rather being an observer of my older sister, who is trying really hard with her 13 and 14-year-olds. I know from being a high school teacher how hard it is to define the line between keeping that open relationship and keeping control of the situation. I really have to hand it to you for being such a great mom. Five kids and doing it by yourself - you deserve a huge pat on the back!

I agree with many of the other moms that responded. I think it is important to set the rules and stick to them, for your sanity if nothing else. I think sleep is huge for teenagers (as a teacher I watched and felt the effects of sleep-deprived teens way too much). Their brains are still developing and their bodies are going through the same amount of changes that toddlers do! And you know how much sleep toddlers need and what they act like when they don't get their sleep! I read an article that said that teenagers need more sleep than adults.

While reading your request, I kept thinking about your needs. You need your sleep, and if they are up late, then you probably aren't getting enough to be alert for your job. Even though my children are only 4 and 5.5, I try to show them that I am a human being too. That I have needs (like to be able to brush my teeth without being called upon to find their stuffed animal.) Your older children definitely should be able to empathize with you and understand the importance of your getting enough sleep.

So, my suggestion is to have that family meeting and lay down the law. Set the rules and make sure they know the consequences of breaking the rules. But, I also encourage you to show them the reason behind the rules, so they will be more likely to be on your side rather than be defiant. Or, you could even let them come up with the rules and consequences. Of course, you would have the last say. And, you could reserve one night of the week that is "their" night and they get to stay up and have friends over. But let them earn this night by having to do their chores and be in bed on time the other nights.

Sorry for the lengthy reply; I just really feel for you!
Best wishes for some peaceful sleep!

Hi C.,

You have to have very clear rules and consequences. There is no reason why the two older kids need to be up after 11PM. The youger ones could have a 9:30 bedtime which seems more than reasonable. Then you have to have serious consequences when rules are broken. This will take effort on your part. You have to follow through on your threats.

What I do is give a choice between lights our or silent reading. This way I encourage reading and they generally drift off.

Of course, they are feeding off each other, also, so you will likely need to break them up during the evening. I have always believed in "divide and conquer". Together they are formidable, but individually you can win. If they do not have separate bedrooms then at least divide them into small groups. If one child seems to be the greater instigator or the most wound up, put that child in your room to do something quiet.

I know these are no magic solution, but hopefully, you can gain a little more control. Best Wishes.

J. L.

Ha! I so enjoyed your response to the suggestions. When my sister and I were not in my Mom's good graces, we would be put together to work on a boring task. Much of the time we made comments to each other about how unfair Mom was. To this day, decades later, we laugh about how well we bonded during these times. And we laught that it never occured to us that Mom had the good judgement to pretend she never heard our whispers of complaints, and never interrupted our bonding time. So this has many benefits for your children!

The trick for us was to plan an all-nighter with our 12-year-old. We rented a bunch of movies, or watched some we owned, and watched till we dropped. But from the start we said this wasn't going to be a regular thing. Our son was thrilled. We all fell asleep around 4 or 5AM...and lost much of the next day to sleep. Lesson learned...you still need sleep in there somewhere.

Natural consequences help a lot, especially when they are pushing up against Mom's bed-time rules. It probably feels very "mature" to stay up late. But are they bears the next day? Do they have chores or help out around the house or have any commitments the next morning? If so, hold to them. Let them experience the tiredness and then talk about it another time when they have more energy (not when they're tired and grumpy!)

Also, I would try a few different things. First, I would PLAN an all-nighter movie night and see how long they last. The parameter (arranged beforehand) could be, if they do an all-nighter, they need to respect the ones who want to go to bed and be quiet enough for them to sleep. If not, all bets are off, and no all-nighters. If they succeed in letting the sleepers sleep and behaving within the bounds you set beforehand, then another one could be scheduled for later in the summer.

Once the thrill of being allowed to stay up all night is experienced, they (hopefully) will discover that they feel awful the next day--tired, grumpy, harder to think or make decisions, acid stomach, etc. They may actually discover that sleep is a wonderful thing.

Second, I might give them a predetermined date (the end of this week or next week) to say they can stay up till some predetermined time (midnight or whatever is decided). But then after that, it's back to regular bedtimes. At the end of that "free period" for bedtimes, you can all talk about what you liked the most and least about that time--you included. What amounts of sleep worked best for each kid? What didn't work? They'll all have different needs.

Lastly, I would make sure they still follow through on their commitments around the house or elsewhere. In fact, if they have trouble with going to bed once you've returned to more sane bedtimes, I would add a chore (remove a privilege) for every time they stay up beyond a pre-determined time. Talk about it beforehand so they know what is expected. Include them in the discussion of what time should be the bedtime. If they don't like the added chores, they have a choice of going to bed at the appropriate time. It's their choice. (Meanwhile, your house might get some needed projects and/or cleaning done!)

My husband and I are both late-night people. It's rare that we are in bed before 11 or 12 at night. My husband gets up around 5-5:30 every day for work and then catches up on the weekends. I need more sleep than that. For a while I was getting 10-11 hours a night (I'm a stay-at-home mom when I'm not freelancing), but usually 7-8 hours work for me.

Each person is different, but it might be worth it to read up on "sleep hygiene". Just Google it and you'll have plenty of reading. And then talk with your kids about it.

My doctor said that an ideal amount of sleep for adults is 5 REMs, around 1-1/2 hours per REM, totaling about 7-1/2 hours each night. Some people's sleep cycles are shorter than 1-1/2 hours, others are longer. But she said the 5 REMs was the most refreshing for people--not too much, not too little. For our son, he survives best on 9-10 hours per night. During the summers, it's more like 10-11 hours.

If you do an overnighter, do it when you have time to join them. Make it a fun adventure that you plan ahead. Let the excitement build, knowing that you'll all need some sleep and patience the next day. It might be a challenge with five kids, but it might be a fun adventure they remember, knowing that they aren't always required to go to bed at that "boring" time. Loosen the leash a little, but don't give them the leash! With a little planning and engaging them in the discussion, you can reestablish boundaries that work for all of you. Clarifying expectations beforehand goes a long way in helping define boundaries and rules, especially if your children are part of the discussion.

Have fun and good luck!

Remember that you control everything they have access to, unless they have jobs. You have the money, the food, the electricity and everything else. So, decide when you want the electricity to be off each night and make it so. Not much they can do without electricity. Blackout for a few days would be effective. No snack food, electronics, cell phones, etc. would make staying up all night pretty boring. My other favorite discipline is having them write essays. Set a reasonable summertime bedtime for their ages, say 10 or 11 pm. Then, if they do not adhere to it, have them research the importance of sleep for teens and write an essay about it. Admittedly, I do not have teenagers yet, but I have heard this advice from a father of 10 who is a child psychologist. Good Luck!

Dear C.,
Now is the time you have to set some solid rules and be sure the kids know that they must adhere to them. Unfortunately this is only the beginning for you.(I have to sons 18 and almost 17). Let them know what time is lights out. If they do not follow the rules set some solid consequences such as: I need to have lights out by 12:00 so I can also sleep. Let them know that you can not sleep easy if they are still awake. If they do not follow through, some consequences: the bedtime moves an hour earlier every time they don't comply, take away tv time, take away phones, computers if they have them. Don't be wishy washy, state the rules plainly, explain yourself once and then follow through. In a couple of years you will be facing driving, staying out late away from the house, drinking temptations, smoking, etc. I have two good boys, my rules have been clear, my husband backs me up and we still have not escaped some "mistakes". You have a tough road ahead, be sure and get plenty of support. If you keep the communication open you also have a very interesting, rewarding road ahead as you watch your children blossom into young adults.
Best wishes-S.

Hi C.,
I have two teens; my son is 16 & my daughter is 13. They just recently finished their school year and I just found out that my 16 yr. old was up past 12:30 am last night!
First, I would gather your group and let them know that staying up to all hours is not going to be the all summer thing. Give them a set bedtime during the week and extend it Friday and Saturday nights if they honor your time. Give them consequences if they break the rules- getting up at 7am to do certain chores, for example or loss of other priveleges( TV, computer, video games, cell phones, Ipods or MP3's- you get the picture). Whatever you decide, follow through and be consistent. You are the mom, you make the rules. I would allow the older ones( teens) a little later time and make the younger ones go to bed a little earlier. It allows for the older two to have a little more independence and something for the younger ones to look forward to. Also, try to reward obedience with friends sleeping over one weekend night and giving extended hours as a reward or maybe come up with other ideas that your kids can add. Discuss it with them, but you are the final authority. I can only imagine it must be so tiring when you are the only parent doing the "parenting", but hang in there mom. At least you care! Sleep is so important for our childrens' growth & good health.
Have a great, fun, summer and "sweet dreams"!
H. Y.

A little about me:
I am a 47 yr. old mom of two great teenagers and married to my wonderful husband for almost 22 years. I work part time as a paraprofessional( teacher's aide ) and love to walk, garden, draw & paint, and read.

How late are they getting up in the morning? If they are getting up a lot later than they would have gotten up for school then that is probably the issue. If you need quiet and relaxation at night then maybe you could make them get up earlier so that they can't stay awake at night. This is just a thought. My kids are 8,6,4 and 14 months, so I can't even begin to help with the discipline ideas. I am very frightened for the teenage years. One day at a time I guess :)