Bi-polar Disorder in a 3 Year Old?

Some kids are a lot more strong-willed then others. Since I don't know the whole situation it would be hard to make a judgement call. Just off hand I would say that he is getting the reaction that he is looking for when he acts like this. I can tell you right now that things will only get worse if it is not taken care of. My son, who will be starting kindergarten in the fall, learned a lot in preschool. I noticed a difference the first year. He was never a rough child but it just fine tuned his behavior. I would just suggest that she get him in some kind of group activities and see if the behavior changes. It is hard sometimes but I think that some parents give up too easily.

Every school district has a Child Find Coordinator who can arrange free evaluations for children. If this child has a behavior that is extreme, such as crying for 45 minutes, the Child Find team can evaluate him and give advise to the parent, and if the child qualifies, free preschool and therapies at school. Hope this helps!

S., PEAK Parent Center

This could be a problem relating to a lack of parental discipline OR an extremely strong-willed child OR a child with food allergies (often behavior is affected) OR a child with perhaps some kind of learning disorder (I don't know how to phrase that, but I'm referring to things like autism or bi-polar, etc.) OR a combination! Wow.

The easiest of these to identify and solve would be behavior responses to the parent's minimal discipline style, but your friend would literally need to spend time with someone trained to recognize and solve these problems. (Some moms are just good at this naturally, and some are not. When we go to the playground, and other children push and shove and taunt and hit other children, these are the kids where there's no discipline in the household. Hard problem to solve because these parents would never admit that they've failed in this area.)

I am a child and family psychologist and I think you are way overreacting here. You might think your friend should get help with parenting, which certainly seems appropriate, and I remember reading your original message about that. But if your friend is not open to that sort of suggestion what in the world makes you think it would be appropriate to suggest her child has an extremely serious mental illness based on one tantrum you have observed? Certainly this child may need some help - but right now you can be the best friend you can be by asking the mom what kind of help she wants, not by offering help she doesn't.

I just want to point out that you "have" Bi-Polar the same way you would "have" cancer. Its a real, physical disease with very real behavioral outcomes. There is a distinct difference in the brain of a person that has the disease vs one that does not. Having Bi-Polar makes you eligible for many State programs and insurance programs that are geared to help people with long term, possibly fatal, illnesses. Specifically because it is a physically based illness.

You can't shrug off bi-polar as you would a bad mood. Its not a state of being.

I know that you are looking out for a friend's child and want to do the best for them. I would seriously caution against throwing around terms like "Bi-Polar" just because the kid seems to have some discipline issues. As someone that has a Bi-Polar mother and has lived with a person that has the disease, it is NOT something to take lightly. At all. Just as you wouldn't automatically assume that a child that bruises easily has Leukemia, don't make your first assumption bi-polar.

The kid, to me, has discipline issues. Focus on that rather than randomly throwing out very serious, physical disease based accusations.

you've gotten some good responses, but i just wanted to add that my oldest child, who has been the most difficult when it comes to teaching him to control his temper, will behave this way if he gets overly hungry. i try to offer meals and snacks around the same time every day, but sometimes he just gets too wrapped up in what he is playing to notice how hungry he is and then he gets past the breaking point without realizing the cause. so when he has a meltdown like the one you mentioned, after he has calmed some, i ask him if he might be hungry and maybe that is making it hard for him to communicate with kindness. i know i get cranky when i've gone way too long without food. probably 50% of the time that is the problem with my son. the rest of the time it's little things that have built up during the day that are often easily resolved if he will just voice them. he has a hard time letting go of things. anyway, just a thought as to what might be the problem.

Wow, I think bi-polar is stretching a bit. I can understand wanting to keep him seperate from your son so that you don't have behaviour issues, but I think you're being a little harsh.
My son is three, too. He has always been a bit like that. Yes, fits have been a problem for us, and yes, things are getting better. When he gets like that we let him have his fit, then talk, then do time out. I especially notice this kind of melt down when he's tired or glued to the tv too long. Z is not bi-polar, or 'sick', he's just a very determined little boy. All children are different and as long as you make sure that you are consistant & loving he will grow out of this behaviour.

Hi V. - kids can definitely get bi-polar disorder but it really doesnt look much like what you are describing. I dont know why, but bi-polar seems to be the catch-all nowadays which is unfortunate because it is a very serious disease, especially for children because the drugs used to treat it cause so many problems in themselves, including stunting emotional and developmental growth.

It sounds like this little guy could use some attention either from his doctor or from a developmental psychologist to see if his behaviors fall on the spectrum or are just due to immaturity.

I don't know the whole situation but manners are definitely a learned behavior and overall 3 yr olds dont have a lot of empathy skills. He also sounds a bit stubborn and sensitive to negative emotions - I know adults who act the same way when they are asked to apologize. They feel the shame of what they did so deeply that they would rather get angry than acknowledge it. Redirection iand education are still the most effective disciplinary methods at this age.

Here are some ideas if this happens again - if your son and this boy are playing and he gets rough, then tend to your son's situation first before acknowledging the other boy at all. This helps to reinforce empathy (not just guilt)for the one who is hurt as well as not reinforce the aggressive behavior as an attention-seeking device.

The other thing to say is something simple like - "pushing gives owies. No more pushing, okay." and then direct the boys to an activity that is more structured and doesnt involve rough-housing.

Hope that helps you!

Wow, V., bi-polar disorder??? Are you a psychiatrist qualified to diagnose such things? I totally understand your not wanting to watch the child anymore and it sounds like his mom could use some help with discipline and effective parenting. Maybe you could suggest some parenting classes or books like Love and Logic or 1-2-3 Magic. How about suggesting a visit to the pediatrician? I think it's best to leave major diagnoses to the professionals.

I think people are far too quick to label behavior problems with some sort of 'disorder' that can/should be medically diagnosed and treated with medicine. This 3 year old sounds like a strong willed, normal 3 year old. At that age, they are not the most empathetic beings and don't fully grasp the vocabulary to voice their emotions, so they act out physically. While I would also say that because you, as someone other than his parent, disciplining him may be difficult as well - children need consistent rules/guidelines and discipline and while you are doing the right thing with time out and redirection, if he doesn't receive that at home, it would be a foreign concept to him and not at all surprising that he doesn't know how to react to it, therefore screaming, tantrum, etc. His mother most definitely needs to be disciplining him and being consistent with her behaviors and when she asks you to watch him, she should relay her techniques to you so you can follow suit and be consistent with the messages he receives. Just my two cents! Good luck!

there is still debate about this in the medical community but some professionals think it is possible. A good book of reference is Dimitri Papolous and Janice Papolous's book, "The Bipolar Child". BUT a diagnosis is something only someone who has had training in CHILD psychiatry can diagnose. You could encourage your friend to start with her pediatrician for information. Also, her school district may be able to offer early assesment for whether or not her child qualifies for early intervention. While that may not necessarily include a full diagnostic workup, it could be a path toward funded preschool and some therapies (ex. physical, occupational)...she will need to contact her school district head quarters to find out how to access this.

Best wishes to all of you-and good on you for helping another mom.

This is not bi-polar, it is normal for a kid this age. He probably is used to getting what he wants! Good thing you don't watch him all of the time any more!

A program like Head Start might be of benefit to this mom. Also, some school districts offer a free screening clinic once or twice a year to check for physical problems (vision, motor skills, hearing, speech) as well as things like learning delays.

The only people who can really make a diagnosis of what's going on with this child are people who can talk to the parents and the kid, and observe the kid.

Mental/emotional disorders present differently in children, especially young children. That's why any diagnosis would have to be by a CHILD psychologist (like someone else said). BUT ... he sounds like a normal high-needs child. There's not a lot you can do when you only watch him once in a while, unless your friend will listen to suggestions. But go about it in the frame that you agree he's a normal child, there's nothing wrong with him or with her methods, but you want to see if you can maybe help a bit. And you can tell him "these are the rules at my house, this is what you do here" - so you don't have to compromise your standards for him. I wouldn't make him say "sorry" - he probably doesn't understand it (and how many adults say "I'm sorry but ..." when they aren't sorry at all? plus I've seen a lot of kids 'get away' with beig mean by saying "sorry" afterwards, then they do it again!!) Any form of physical aggression gets an immediate time out. Just say "we don't ____" and put him in time out. If he gets up, put him back and start the time over. For a 3-year-old, three minutes is appropriate. You can tell him "it will start when you're [quiet or still or whatever]" but don't expect him to sit perfectly still and silent! If he's in time out and crying, don't talk to him. Don't remind him why. If you can, don't even look at him. It's amazing how much less kids cry when they don't have an audience! (Doesn't count for kids who are hurt!!!) After time out is over, let him play again without any lecture, etc. If he gets physical again, he goes right back in time out, same routine each time. He may not learn the rules if he's only there occaisionally, but he might. And it sends the message to your kids that the rules are the same for everyone.

If you can, catch him before he gets physical and redirect him to something else (another toy if he's wanting your son's, or something that will engage him away from your son). But if he does hit/push/etc it is an automatic time out.

I would love to get together with you and talk about this. I have been looking for the same kind of answers. My kids are the same age as yours and I am in the same situation with my friend. My kids are very laid back and hers are very strong willed.
When her kids are under my care I try to stay very consistant with them. If they are being aggressive then they need to go into time out and when they calm down I explain the reason for time out. One thing we can't do is tell our friend how to raise their kids but what we do have control over is teaching our kids how to handle bullies.
I found some good info from babycenter.com on aggression. You can look up aggressive behavior by age and what they are doing and it give ideas as to how to handle it. I have printed a lot of the info out and am trying to figure out how to present it to my friend without being offensive.
I would love to hear if you have found out any ideas that would help.
Good Luck.
A.