Better Parenting Skills

Order Jim Fay's Love & Logic materials. They are excellent and you will be glad that you did. When you are yelling - you have lost control!! I listened to Jim's material so often, I almost wore it out. It is simple, makes sense and is wonderfully effective. Try it!!
Good luck.
Barb

First of all, I give you a lot of credit for observing and recognizing behavior in your children and possibly linking it back to discipline choices. That has to be tough to see your little one yelling at dolls, etc. Pat yourself on the back for being aware.
As far as what to do, I would contact different agencies to see what trainings on different discipline techniques are out there. Sometimes the newspaper will advertise workshops about parenting, or your area school district might as well. Your family doctor would have information, too.
If you are a religious person, see if your church has any information or can lead you in the right direction.
As far as getting your husband on board with you, share with him what you observe your child doing and ask him to be open to try new ways of discipline with you.

I wish I could be clearer in my response, but I just had to say something, I am really impressed with your self-awareness. Always remember that when your children are at their worst, it's then that they need you most. Most often they don't listen to yelling; they shut it out and shut down. Good luck and don't give up.

First, congratulations on recognizing a problem and trying to do something about it! So many of us don't.

Now... onto your issue. First, make sure you try and get enough sleep. I know I am more likely to become frustrated more quickly and possibly yell if I am tired and not taking care of myself. I know it's hard to do as a mom ... we look after everyone else first. But, if you don't take care of yourself then you won't be in top shape to take care of your daughter. So, that's a must.

Next, When you feel the urge to yell take a quick inventory. Why do you want to yell. Are you frustrated with something your daughter is doing... or frustrated with someting else in your life and your daughters behavior is just the trigger. Is what she doing REALLY that bad. Learn to determine what needs correction and what really doesn't.

Next try gentle discipline. I tell my daughter 'No, don't play with the curtain. It could fall and hurt your head.' I will tell her 'no' three times... and then I move her. Now, my daughter is just 11 months old. So, the level of discipline is different. With a 4 year old you can start taking things away. Learn what her favorite more cherished things are. What does her world revolve around. You tell her 'no' and why you don't want her to do that, and then you tell her 'if you continue.... then you can't play with such and such'... or whatever it is you choose to take away.

She might not 'get it' the first time...but once you FOLLOW THROUGH and actually take away what you said you would .... she will start to make the connection. With a 4 year old it should be something fairly immediate. Their attention is pretty short term, so saying 'we won't go to the zoo in 2 days' ... isn't going to do much and will just frustrate her in 2 days because she won't remember what she did previously to warrant the change in plans. With your older child you can take away the long term plans as discipline.

Be consistent. Set a limit of how many times you tell her to not do something before you take something away. And then stick to it. And more importantly FOLLOW THROUGH! You MUST MUST MUST follow through each and every time. Empty threats are useless. Kids are smart.... she will figure out very quickly that your 'threat' to take something away will result in nothing.

Also, a note on why I suggest telling her WHY you don't want her to do something. I believe kids are much smarter then many adults give them credit for. They are always trying to figure stuff out and learn. The old 'because I said so' gives them nothing but frustration. There is no connection between playing with the stove and the consequences. So, what is the big deal about playing with the stove. Kids need a reason. Because mommy said so just won't cut it very long.

The other day my daughter was pulling on the curtains. I told her "NO...it could fall and hit your head and it would hurt!" Earlier that day she had fallen and bumped her head. After I said the curtain could fall and hit her head she looked and me and patted her head. I knew she got it. At least for that moment. Of course the next day she promptly forgot...but for that moment... she understood and didn't play with the curtain anymore.

I can remember as a kid my mom ALWAYS used the 'because I said so' reason. Even as I got older. Eventually I just didn't respect her reasons for not wanting me to do things. She never HAD a reason...so why should I listen to her. We had some very very difficult years, particularly when I became a teenager. Now, of course most teenagers are difficult...but we REALLY had a difficult time. I didn't respect her and that was clear. I found her thinking completely void of logic, I would call her on it ... but she never changed her tactics.

I think I would have been difficult no matter what...but I also think if she had raised me earlier with clear reasons for why she would not want me to do something, or to do it ... then I would have at least respected her. I would have seen the reasoning behind her thinking. I still wouldn't have liked it... but I would have at least respected her.

As far as your husband. You do need to sit down and discuss this with him. Try and see if you can get him on board with a united front for parenting. Consistency is so important. Not only that, but it's his daughter too. Parenting should not be a one person show if both parents are in the picture. A child needs to know that both her parents are on the same page.

Before you talk with him think through WHAT you want him to do. Just going to him and saying 'you need to be more involved' isn't going to work. First, men tend to be more logical in their thinking. They need something laid out clearly and specifically. Second, YOUR idea of more involved and HIS idea of more involved ... most likely are two different things. If you make a list of what you would like him to do on a regular basis and specify WHY and how this will strengthen your family and help you ... then he should be more open to the ideas.

Many men find women very emotional and non-rational. Present yourself and your ideas clearly and specifically. Be calm. Don't go to him when you're upset. Also, don't ask for an answer right away. Allow him some time to process the information. Tell him you would like him to consider your ideas and then the two of you can talk about it in a day or so. Set a time when you will come back together and determine a plan to move forward.

Good luck!

Starfish Family Services is a local non-profit that offers many services to support children and parents. Most services are FREE and can range from in home support, where a therapist will come to you and help you (which may be appealing to get your husband involved) or there are many parenting classes (including the Love and Logic class). You can check out the website, or call (confidentially, of course!) for more info...or just drop me a line, I'll gladly answer any questions I can!

www.starfishonline.org
###-###-#### or ###-###-####

There is a great parenting class called Love and Logic, you can google it for local classes, I know they offer it through Henry Ford Behavioral Health.

Good luck!

There is a wonderful website called Scream Free Parenting that I just love! He gives practical examples of ways to deal with issues from toddlers to teens that make sense and are very down-to-earth, not theoretical. You get to have your boundaries and authority, but without screaming at your kids all the time. I subscribe to the e-newsletter and also go to the site all the time.

C.,
You sit down an have a serious talk with him. You married him, and with it welcomed his family. If all he married you for was to have someone else do the parenting, then you explain that if that's the case he will have to still back you up on how you go about it. If he trips you up every step of the way, get out.
Meanwhile, start taking privileges away until the kids can speak in normal tones. Make a request, tell them to do something and if it isn't done in a reasonable time or they give you lip for it, they lose out. You have to be in control. Don't go all "I want my kids to think of me as a friend" stuff. Be a parent first. Be happy and encouraging when they cooperate. Remember the oldest are only around like a year or two more. Time is of the essence to change their bad habits into something that will serve them well as adults.
And Wednesday nights at 9, watch Supernanny. I repeat this over and over on this list. I'm 54, have graduated 3 boys from high school and I still think the program is interesting to watch. Make time to watch it. It is full of ideas for families like yours.

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate, C.! Yelling is a habit that you can break or at least greatly reduce! Everyone will be happier if you work at this! There are so many good parenting books around now and classes in local communities. Parenting with Love and Logic is a very good system. You want to look for something with a gentle approach. A good one is RAISING YOUR CHILD NOT BY FORCE, BUT BY LOVE written by Sidney Craig. It's not new, but it's good. Dr. William Sears has a lot of parenting materials out that stress attachemnt to your children and loving guidance, rather than harsher ways of dealing with the kids. One thing I'd suggest is that you have a family meeting with the kids, and you may want to do this on a regular basis, and explain what you're trying to do. Ask them to help you so you're all on the same page. Your 4 yr old may test you on this, but you can find ways to be firm and in charge without yelling. You'll be so glad you did!

my husband and i have two girls 5 and 15 months. our church just offered a parenting class and it touched on all the subjects you have mentioned. we enjoyed it so i would suggest something like that. or if you like to read there are always a ton of books on these subjects

I would totally recommend The Love and Logic series by Foster and Cline.
They come in audio books ( that is my preferred method)
they have books for several ages but the have just a general Love and Logic to start. When i taught parenting classes that is what I taught. it is easy to understand the concept ( howeveer like most methods you will need to be consistant which always takes some work)

Just remember....it usually gets worse whenever you impliment a discipline method, as children of all ages will test, before it will get better)

Dear C.,

WOW! What a full and lively house you must have! If I am reading your facts correctly.. there are times when you have 5 children around the house, and 4 of them are teenagers? No wonder there's some yelling :-)

First off I want to say that I know you are going to decrease your "parental yelling" and develop stronger parenting skills, because you have acknowledged it as something that needs to be changed!! That is the important first step... now the work to make new parenting habits begins!!

When we yell at our kids we are sending them a message that we are out of contol. This is not a message to send them!! Children need to know that we are in control, and that even when they break the rules and/or make mistakes, we still love them. (Sometimes they are confused if we love them or not when we are yelling at them.)

So step one: know that YOU ARE in control, and there is nothing they can do or say that is worth yelling at them. (This is the hardest first step! This will mean you might have to go into another room to collect yourself when they get on your last nerve, or take a deep breath before you speak, or in a low voice send the child to their room until you collect yourself.. whatever you can do to keep yourself calm.)

Step two: Find 100 things to tell them "good job" and "I'm proud of you", "I like how you" for everytime they need a consequence. Sometimes we get to focused on what our kids are doing "wrong" or things we think they need to fix or learn. This helps us to change our focus on all the good and wonderful little things that our kids do. Then it is easier to keep things in perspective when they need correction.

Step three: When they need correction, instead of doing it with your words and volume. Do it with your actions.... it will blow their minds! (And we're always being told that our actions speak louder than words!!) And the action has to be something that will be perceived as a clear and present danger to them, something they don't want to happen, and something relevent to the situation.
For example, my 10 year old son doesn't like to do chores before he playing. This one particular day he was huffing and puffing, slamming things... you know, just kind of throwing a fit about it. Well he took a long time to finish the 3 things he had to do, and then he told me he was going to go play. It was then I informed him that I was worried about what kind of student and worker he was going to be when he got older. If his boss or a teacher asked him to do some work was that how he was going to act? He would lose his job. So I had 3 more jobs for him to do so he could practice being a good worker and employee. And that I had all day to practice if he needed it! We haven't had a fit since! He still doesn't love chores... but he understands they need to be done with a good attitude!)

As for the step-children.. how long have you been their step mom? Unless you have been in their lives since they were 5 years old and younger.. your husband will have to be the authority figure. Also if they are not living with ya'll full time, it really puts you in a difficult position. In their world of authority figures.. you probably rate somewhere close to an aunt. They don't have the relationship with you like they do their dad, and if you try to set down rules... you know the old saying: "rules without relationship equals rebellion". Maybe focus on building positive relationships with your step-children so that they will feel comfortable coming to you.. but your husband has got to be the one to lay down the rules and enforce them.

Sorry this is so long.. I hope you find it helpful!
Peace to you and your family,
B.
P.S.
If you have a faith in God, always pray!

I'm sorry but I don't have any advice. If you get some pleeeaaase let me know. I don't have quite as many kids but I feel your pain. I have an 8 yr old and a 2.5 yr old, both girls and in a week a 13 yr old step-son. I already feel what you're feeling with two of my own, now we're adding a teenager to the mix. Please let me know if you get some advise. Good luck, L.

1-2-3 Magic works wonders. Good luck - teenagers...wow.

S.

My favorite author on parenting skills is Chick Moorman. He presents a very straightfoward, positive philosophy that is respectful to both parents and children, and results in respectful children who take responsibility for their own actions.

Check out the books, Connection Parenting by Pam Leo, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk AND Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Probably the latter 2 are the fastest reads and more accessible ideas. The first 2 have more to do with changing your own styles of parenting to a much deeper degree than the latter 2 books.

As a parent it's your responsibility to teach your children and step children how to effectively communicate with you, each other and with non-family members. It's also your job to teach them how to deal with their own emotions. The only way you can effectively do that is by MODELING that behavior. You've been modeling feeling out of control, i.e. yelling and can now see what it's doing for the youngest children (I did the same thing, I know where you are.) It takes a lot to change those behaviors but what I've noticed during my own catharsis is that I first needed to make sure I was taking care of myself. Get enough sleep, make sure I'm eating well, enough 'me' time, etc. Once your needs are met, you will have an easier time helping your children to meet their own needs. The goal is to make them self sufficient and independent and emotionally healthy. All of these books can help you with this.

Above all, remember that you are doing the best you can at any moment with the resources that you have. There is always a fresh start ahead of you if you feel that you need one, and there is always the opportunity to say, 'i'm sorry.' Here is a lovely quote I like to read to remind me of my responsibility as a parent:

"We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind's greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear."
-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

This quote reminds me that being coercive towards my children will teach them that the way to get what they want is to make threats, give ultimatums, use bribes, etc. It doesn't respect their gift of free choice. If I give my children choices, I take the risk that they will choose what I do not want them to choose, but that is part of life. Our children are human too, with free will and free choice. We can only hope that they will choose to do what we'd like them to do out of love and loyalty to us and the desire to see us happy. There are, of course, exceptions to allowing a child free choice, as in when they are incapable of understanding the dangers inherent to making the wrong choice (like running into traffic, or running off in a crowded place) but those are usually reserved for the young ones and a parent can usually figure that out.

You will gain control by allowing your children to have more control over their lives by giving them free choice. I think Love and Logic is founded on this principle, too, but I haven't read that and I really like the ideas in Connection Parenting.

Good luck and God bless,
J.