Being Painfully in the Middle

I believe that the most valuable things I learned in my freshman year of college were:

1. How to untangle red tape
2. How to make mature choices
3. How to manage MY time efficiently

I don;t remember much else from my classes, but I did learn those things. Your son is learning them too. Let him handle it.
If I were you I would stop being the middleman. If your hubby wants in the loop, he's going to have to learn how to communicate with his adult son.

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If you son chose partying over education he needs to find out the hard way that was a poor choice. I'd send him the stats on what high school graduates make over what college graduates.

I agree with the many others that have told you to cut him off economically. I'd let him come home if he wants to, but only if he gets a full time job and or goes to school full time while at home. If he chooses home and full time jopb and no school, I'd tell him what the rent was and how much of the utilities he has to pay. I'd put the rent into a savings account he has no access to and then give it to him as a wedding present. (I said wedding present, not shack up present.)

Its time for him to grow up and it time for you to cut the apron strings.

If he comes home you and your husband make up the rules. If he doesn't follow them let him find a place to stay where he can make up his own rules.

Good luck.

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Personally I think your son is in a place where he probably needs to be allowed to fail and learn from it. Husband is trying to force him to come back to the nest to prevent hard lessons and have more control himself. I don't think that will work.

At the same time, I think he probably has a point that you shouldn't pay for him screwing around. It it were me, I would tell him that you will again help with tuition when you've seen him get a solid quarter or semester of passing grades in classes. Until then, he's on his own to support himself because he's not been demonstrating responsibility so far and you need to see if before you spend your money on it.

If he comes home, he pays a fair amount of rent and buys his own food or pays into groceries. It will teach him much more about responsibility than he is going to get by being under dad's thumb generally. And it means he needs to make some decisions about who he wants to be that he's been avoiding.

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You are in the middle because you choose to be there. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, but sometimes you need to be a little stoic so as to survive.

I will say this, if you are always doing the communication for them, it is not a wonder that they do not know how to talk to each other.

It sounds like your son is between a rock and a hard place because of what he did, but if I were him, I think it would be healthier for him to be cut off and deal with real life. It sounds like your husband is none too patient and coming home to that is not the kind of therapy your son needs.

Tell your husband to chill out. If he could be a lot more loving he might have a chance at influencing your son. The increase in cortisol lowers a persons IQ - it makes him dumb. This does not make him the ideal person to help your son if he doesn't have a handle on his own emotions. You might point this out to him and then leave for a few hours. ;o)

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My response depends on the answer to this question - who is paying for his school?

If you and your hubby are - I would be all up in his business about this and he WOULD be coming home for the summer and probably not going back until he went to a community college for a few semesters and proved that he would keep his grades up.

If your son is paying - I would still be very involved in asking what is going on and talk to him about the ramifications of his actions, but I would put it on him to make the decision.

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This is very common. Many freshmen are just not mature enough to get it together. What a shame he did not "man up" and admit what was really going on,

I agree with Dawn B. Your son is no longer a student. He will now need to be "allowed" to fix it on his own. He is now a man and his relationship with his father is his problem. IF he asks your opinion you can give it to him, but he needs to take on all of this on his own. If they are his choices, he will make it happen.

You and your husband need to let your son know that you will no longer be able to support him, so he will need to figure out what he is going to do next. If you feel like you want so give him some money to have place to live, make him sign a loan agreement with you guys.

I am sorry. I know you want him to do well, but he is in charge of his own life. Once he realizes how good he had it, he will get on the ball.

I am sending you strength, clarity and peace.

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Step back and let them talk it out, work it out, whatever.

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It sounds like your husband and son have a very strained relationship. Has your son given your husband a reason not to trust him, or is this the way it has been from the start? It sounds like they both need to grow up and learn how to comunicate with each other. But this decision is also yours, not just your husbands. You two need to sit down and discuss the options once you find out what is going on. Once you both are on the same page, then discuss it with your son, perhaps with your husband doing the talking. Through it all your son needs to know that both of you are there for him, no matter what happens.

C.

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If your son actually has a job and is paying off loans, that is some of the best education he can get. It's hard for young people to get jobs these days, so if your son actually has a job, remind your husband that coming home and doing nothing (unless he can get a job at home, which is hard to do these days), wouldn't be very productive.

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What it sounds like to me is that even though he is going about it in the wrong way your son is becoming his own man. At that age they still want the money but not the mouth unfortunatly you husband is saying if you get my money your going to get my mouth. I have a child like that I fought with her tooth and nail, she even dropped out of high school (not listening) just to get into a program that she wanted to, and graduated at age 20. (CRAZY) Now attends college. All because she wanted to do it her way. I really don't know why she had to go around the corner when she could have just walked through the door. But, she said that she is her own woman and that she needs to do it herself.

My advice to you is that you are mom and you want everything to go smoothly and without consqences, but this is a stage that your son HAS to get a taste of the real world. If he wants to be a man a strong man he has to find himself. And you cannot let your money try to controll him, but you can monitor his behavior from a distance. You don't want to get into the middle..........Then don't! They are men and the way they deal are different then a mother son relationship. If your son visits what I would do is invite him to dinner with you and your husband and when the time comes you make up a excuse to why you can't go but that they should go anyway and then let them deal with this issue.

Good Luck

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You and your husband need to talk and decide what you are willing to do, and get on the same page. If he has a good job and wants to stay and work (and maybe take a class or two?), would your husband be willing to let him prove himself? Doesn't that beat hanging around the house all summer? Most kids go a bit crazy that first year...maybe your son got it out of his system?

Then, I would say to step back. When your son calls to tell you the story, let him know that you will pass the information on, but then anything further is between him and your husband. Tell your husband the same thing (for what you agreed on). I am assuming that your son is 18, and is legally an adult. It will be up to him to either decide to do what you and your husband offer, do his own thing, or for the two of them to act like adults and have a real conversation about what makes the most sense for everyone.

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I hate to tell you this, but your son is most likely lying to you. I work at a university, and students don't just "get dropped" on accident. There are only three ways to get dropped from classes:

1. Non-payment before the second week of classes. This is automatic and your son would have been alerted multiple times before and after this happened.

2. The student dropped the classes himself. This involves either going online and withdrawing himself or filling out a form and having the registrar drop him. Students do this to avoid failing a class or to get a partial financial refund.

3. The student has not attended class for a certain amount of time (it is usually anywhere from two weeks to three weeks of absences), and the faculty member and/or the attendance software drops the student from the class. Sometimes these are consecutive absences (no attendance for 6 classes in a row) and sometimes a university uses cumulative absences (6 total absences over the course of the semester).

I have only ever heard of one accidental withdrawal of a student and that was when financial arrangements had been made, but the computer system accidentally dropped her anyway. (And this was in the first week of the semester.)

I know this doesn't help with your relationship issue, but perhaps this sheds new light on the situation as a whole.

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