Being a Stepmom

C.,

I am sure that you spent a lot of time thinking about the face you were marrying a man with three children when you said "I DO" three years ago. It's a big responsibility - I know - I am a stepmom to my husband's two daughters from his previous marriage.

I think your discomfort in having your husband have contact with an "ex" may be because you have trust issues or aren't 100% confident in your own marriage. I suspect it has nothing to do with his ex-wife, really. I think maybe reflecting on what it is you think bothers you about your husband co-parenting with the girls' mom, I think you'll see it has nothing to do with being a stepmom, it has to do with trust issues you have with your husband/within your marriage.

Being a parent to those girls is a very important and often difficult task, I am there with you. I think you're very lucky and should be thanking your lucky stars that the communication between your husband and his ex is amicable. It's SO MUCH BETTER FOR THE KIDS! And truthfully, it's so much better for everyone.

One last thought - I am pretty confident that I can tell you that divorce with children is one of the hardest things a person can ever do. Believe me, if there were any sparks, any chance, or any interest between your husband and his ex, they wouldn't have divorced in the first place. Have faith in the vows you took and the promises you made to one another. Search within yourself and try to identify why it's hard for you to imagine your husband having a conversation, a phone call, or some texts back and forth with his ex-wife... especially when the topic is just about always about the kids.

Be strong and be honest, and you'll find your answers.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi C., just to add my two cents: I haven't had your experience, but I can totally understand your feelings. But I want to tell you about some friends of mine--he's been divorced for quite awhile, and his wife came into his life when the children were quite young. He and his ex-wife managed to keep things friendly and civil, and in this way have managed to raise their three children in an atmosphere that has been very beneficial to them. I am certain that this situation had to be very difficult for his new wife, and sometimes raise feelings of insecurity,jealousy, and anxiety. But they've all three done a fantastic job, with everyone benefitting. I have such admiration for them. I just thought I'd like to encourage you, and let you know that such a situation can work. I'm so happy to read that you are feeling better about it, and wish you good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I am a stepmom as well. It is not easy that is for sure. I "saved" myself for my husband and had a hard time at first even thinking about him being with someone else. I certainly couldn't deny it when he had two children who look just like him! LOL. I know it has affected our relationship. They really didn't get along so I handled most of the communication and of course had to write those awful checks for child support. I think the hardest part of stepparenting is having to share the children with someone else especially for holidays and special times. When I had my first she brought my stepdaughter to witness the birth and picked her up afterward. The nurses were amazed at how well we got along, but I figure she had to trust me with her children I can certainly trust her with mine. I have seen other families that seem to have an amazing relationship like best friends and they are happily married to other people. They even do things together to keep the family together. I think that is great! Really it boils down to attitude, be positive. He has kids with another woman so you can count on them having some type of relationship forever. You just need to trust him and talk about your insecurities. The bonus is that after high school you will rarely even see each other. We ran into my husband's ex at a play last year and it was amazing to think we really hadn't seen her much in the past 5 years. God Bless you and if you believe in God, turn it over to him in prayer. I will certainly pray for you.

1 mom found this helpful

Oh Tiffany, I wish hubby would be lucky enough to have an ex wife like you!
We have the horror relationship w/his ex.I only wish we could all be grownups when it comes to the raising of their kids & all that goes with, because it would only benefit the boys.
"who dates a guy who is still in contact with his ex?" You, me, thousands of other people who feel that person & their kids are worth having in their lives. I knew that when I married my husband, I also married his 2 boys, & his exwife & all that goes with the sitation. Til death do we part-all of us. Because you'll never be rid of his ex, you have to look inside yourself & figure out how to get past it. Part of my problems in my life are the way I feel toward his ex-she's mean, spiteful, puts the kids in the middle often, & always puts her own agenda first. I realized though, that she's never done anything directly TO me, just to the boys or my husband. While that affects me directly too, I had a lot of anger & resentment toward her. I read a book about stepparenting that brought up anger & grudges. I sat down, wrote her a letter apologizing for my part in the stress (I react, which doesn't make things any easier for anyone) & thanking her for letting the boys be part of my life. Since she wouldn't receive it like a grownup, I tore the letter up, but it made me feel better to write.
I have never doubted my husband's love & know that his relationship w/her is in the past, now like somebody else said, she's simply a co-worker in the job of raising their kids. Once you start to treat the situation more like that & less personally, things will be easier for you.
The biggest compliment I can receive is "wow, I didn't realize you were his stepmom". Trust me, as a stepparent, there is nothing better to validate how hard you're working than when somebody doesn't realize that you're not the bioligical parent! That means that I'm doing it right-they can't tell the difference between my bio kids & stepkids. Most of my stepsons' teachers (they've both lived w/us before-1 does currently) don't realize I'm not their bio mom & because of hubby's job they rarely even meet him. I'm the one doing the fundraisers, the carpools, the parent-teacher conferences... Don't let yourself not be included in things. You're their parent now too-I love the response about "God knew you needed 2 moms to care for you". My stepsons certainly need 2! I'm more involved than they'd like me to be-I email teachers at the beginning of the year & make first contact. I let them know I want to be involved, please let me know good & bad so we can all work together. My older SS's teacher told me at the end of the year, after us emailing nearly daily for 6 mos, that she had no idea he was my stepson & she wished she had more parents that were so involved. Put yourself in that position-parent those girls so well nobody can tell you didn't give birth to them!

1 mom found this helpful

Obviously I am beating a dead horse here by looking at the other responses but...GROW UP. I am divorced and remarried with a child and I have an amicable relationship with my ex-husband for, and make sure YOU are paying attention now, THE SAKE OF THE CHILD. While I understand discomfort-I am more uncomfortable around my ex then my husband is-I do what I do because I love my daughter and it is much better for HER if we get along.I have to remove my own feelings in order for her to be happy and grow up with some understanding of how adults deal with one another and form relationships no matter the situation. You should be happy that your stepdaughters don't have to see fighting and jealousy and possessiveness between their parents...oh wait, except for you.

1 mom found this helpful

What is your greatest fear? What is the viscious voice in your head telling you will happen if your husband has contact with his ex? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear being unloved? The reality is that this has nothing to do with your husband or his ex or their relationship. This has to do with your own deep seated fears that probably have shown up before and probably show up in other areas of your life.

The best thing you can do is focus on you and to fully own how afraid you are, what you are worrying about, and all the places you are judging yourself as not being good enough. The relationship between your husband and his ex is just a catalyst to show you what you have to heal in your life. Take that for the wonderful gift that it is and care for yourself enough to get support for your own healing.

I am an ex-wife that is very dedicated to co-parenting with my ex-husband. He has not yet remarried, however he has had several serious relationships. For the most part the girlfriends have understood and been grateful that I am not the typical demanding, viscious, argumentative, manipulative ex. He did have one girlfriend that was extremely reactive to me and needless to say it created chaos for everyone and they are no longer together.

I was a child of divorce also and was taught to hate my step-mom. It was a great disservice to both her and me. I vowed to make things different for my children. However, in order to do that I had to heal myself and all the programming from childhood about: love is limited, I'm not good enough, family loyalty is more important than kindness, etc.

I am very grateful for the girlfriends that have been open to understanding that: 1)we are divorced for a reason, 2)we had three children together that we have commited to raise together because that supports everyones well-being, 3)I am not a threat to them, in fact, I am grateful for the amazing support they have been in my children's lives.

I have learned that taking 100% responsibility for my own well-being, instead of expecting something outside of me to change and make me feel better, has been the most effective way to create the life I want to have. I have learned to support myself through self-care, journaling, therapy, friendships, dancing, hot-chocolate, and lots of TLC. This has made all the difference and as a result my outside relationships and experiences are rich and fulfilling and interesting. I send you support and tenderness and encouragement to care for yourself gently and lovingly and to heal the wounded places. T.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi C.,

I wasn't going to write but I see you've received some harsh words so I just had to!

Your feelings are your feelings, and they are perfectly normal. You obviously have the logic all worked out in your family, and based on you saying you have a good relationship with everyone involved, you must be doing something right. Good for you for making an effort to have a healthy family.

I think sometimes we can get so anxious and worked up about things that we don't step back to see the big picture and the issue seems bigger than it really is.

I'm guessing you may have tried so hard to make sure you are a good stepmom, good wife, civil with the ex, that you never let your feelings or insecurities be dealt with and now they are oozing out.

I hope you felt a little better even after writing your post, just to let a little 'air' out of the issue if you aren't talking much about it.

My advice is let the feelings in and they will probably diminish. You have probably kept them at bay for so long. Acknowledge to yourself when you are feeling a little jealous or anxious. But also realize so what? So you feel a little jealous? It will pass. If the feelings persist and keep escalating, you may indeed consider a little therapy. But I'm sticking with my intuition- that you have pushed the feelings aside and let them become bigger than they really are.

The 'advice' to grow up or get over it? --delete-- :-)

Sounds like you made the first step to being at peace--which is being civil. Considering that still bothers you, maybe you should try being a little more than civil. Actually sitting down with her and being friends. Not best friends, but accepting who she is as a person than what she stands for will help you get past that label. My best friend is a guy who is also my ex. When I started dating my fiance, He had a hard time with that but I asked my friend to step back for a while and ween his way into his life as a friend. That worked and they became good friends. They even went together to pick out my ring. No I am in the same position with his girlfriend, and we are great friends. I had to do the same to build trust with her so she didn't think of me as "The Ex".

As a step mom as well all I can suggest is to get over it.Harsh as that may sound, you are doing yourself and your relationship no favors by being bitter about the fact you weren't the only person in his life. If the relationship between yourself, the children and the ex are fine you really have nothing to complain about. I suggest you get some therapy if you can't deal with it, before you ruin what appears to be a good relationship all round.

C., I'm a big believer in therapy and it sounds like you might benefit from some as you alluded to in your post. I used to go on a regular (2x per month basis), then I went for a bi-monthly "tune-up", now I just go on an "as-needed" basis for 3-4 sessions and get a few things ironed out. It sounds like your issues are more within your own marriage and have nothing to do with his relationship with her - that's just the symptom. Please give therapy a try. You can get a referral through your insurance or Google New Life Ministries if you are ok in a bit more spiritual approach to the problem. I found my therapist through New Life and it has been a huge blessing!

Good question. Not CRAZY in your feelings. Put them into perspective. Instead of thinking of her being his EX and you the STEPmom. Think of her as the girls' birth mother and you as the mom who stepped up. I am a divorced mother, and a step mom for 15 years now, so we had this issue all around us. I had to be the mom that encouraged my children to treat their stepmom with respect and I was the stepmom who LOVED as if they were my own. I loved doing both of those things. It is very natural at different times to feel anger, frustration, jealousy towards the OTHER woman, but if he has divorced her in his mind and has gotten on with his life with you, then you need to change your thinking on who this woman is. She is now only the girls' mother and she needs to see them, which means there will be swopping and talking. If it helps offer to take the girls to her instead of him. Keep your communication open with him so he knows how you feel, but try to change your thinking. It does work and it does help. It also helps when you claim the children as your own, because now they are. I told my boys that God knew they were too ornary for just 1 mommy they needed 2. I also told them that God knew I couldn't give birth to them (because 1 was 9lbs & something and the other 1 was 10lbs) so God used their mommy for me. I told them they could call me whatever they felt comfortable calling me as long as they were respectful when they did. They instantly called me mom. Same with my girls and their stepdad. I hope this helps you change how you see that other woman. She is just the girls' mother now.

If you cant stand the thought of him meeting up with his ex to exchange kids ect then what were you doing the whole time you were dating him? How was it not a problem then but it suddenly is now? You chose to marry a man with three children from a previous relationship - that was the package deal, and i really doubt anything with his ex has changed now than it was when you were dating and had no problem with it. The way that you have described his relationship with her seems like he is doing absolutely nothing inappropriate, but is being decent for his children by letting them still have their real mom in their lives. Does he ever say he missed her or does he ever compare you to her? Has he ever said or done anything that makes you feel threatened by her besides just having her around sometimes for the kids? I can understand that a past love is an awkward thing for the new love to handle, but I dont see how this is such a huge issue now, 3 years later, when you knew what you were marrying into in the first place. And obviously she is not the "love of his life" because if she was, they would still be together, wouldnt they?

I hope I'm not coming off too harsh, I just dont really understand how this can be such a huge issue, when you knew when you met him and dated him and decided to marry him that becuase of his children with his ex she was going to be "in the picture" of your relationship whether you liked it or not. It doesnt sound like he is acting innaproriate or giving you any real reasons to be jealous of their contact with eachother... its possible that you are haboring doubts because she left him that he still wants her more than anyone else and that you could never measure up... my advice is to stop comparing yourself to her and realize that if they were meant to be than they would STILL be, and that if you hubby was still in love with her, he would never have married you. stop fighting against the situation that you created for yourself and just accept it for what it is - a platonic relationship the only exists for the children involved.

C.,

Grow up and get over it.

Be grateful that your husband has an amicable relationship with her and that they both have a good relationship with their children. The children have and will continue to have a relationshp with her, which relationship should exist and should be good in order for the children to be emotionally healthy. After all, she is their mother despite the current marital arrangements.

You are the wife of your husband, not the children's mother. Don't be so insecure and jealous in your position as the wife. Treat him well and reach out with love to the children and their mother, and all of your relationships will be better.

You need to accept that he will have the ex in his life she is the mother of his kids.......

Honestly who dates a guy who is still in contact with his ex? UGH

You did. You knew about him having a family prior to marrying him. If you couldn't handle this knowing full well that he didn't have sole custody of the children and that his EX is still part of the children's lives then YOU shouldn't have married him. Now it's up to you to deal with it, talk to your husband about how you feel or get out before the heat in the kitchen gets too hot for you to handle.

Your last line, the question about dating a guy still in contact with their ex really struck me. You know, if you're dating just a guy then I can see that thought, even agree with that thought. When talking about a FATHER, well, now, that's a whole other story and should be phrases as, "Who would date a FATHER who doesn't keep contact with the mother of his children?"

I mean no harshness when I say this: You're being childishly selfish. Why do you think that is??

Here's the thing. If you have married a good man and a good FATHER you should be walking around like a proud peacock. Men who are good FATHERS don't just pick any old pretty face, they are looking for GOOD MOTHERING material, they're looking for an amazing woman...you may not see that when you look in the mirror, but HE DID! Think about that. If you don't think it's there, CREATE IT.

STOP punishing your man! Stop it right now. And STOP punishing YOURSELF for whatever it is that makes you unlovable. You have four hearts beating for you, that love you, and are looking to you for security...FOUR. You don't have time for ugly voices in your head to detour you from the Bliss that awaits you in just settling into your life with you MAN and children.

It's as simple as this: BE the soft place for him to fall, be the comfort he needs, be the salve for his wounds, be supportive, be cute, be sweet, be fun...and he's YOURS!!

Another thing I noticed in your message is that you seem to separate yourself from the parenting things...parent/teacher conference or swapping children leaving them isolated together...Honey, there may be STEP before PARENT but the important part is that you are indeed a PARENT and you need to include yourself. There's no reason for them to have that exclusive together, no reason at all...GO WITH HIM every time you can!! As a stepmother you have taken on the responsibility to look out for your stepchildrens' best interest, to be supportive of them, and to be their ally...you need to be apart of the school meetings and in receiving them from the care of their mother.

If you can be civil with each other, why don't you take it upon yourself to text the mother for information FOR your Man???

The trick of being a happily married is being pleasant and creative. If there's a relationship you're not too keen on, the BEST way to handle it is to make it obsolete. If she'll allow you to communicate with about pick up times, or little things like that, take it and run with it. They'll still have to talk about important things but the more you PLEASANTLY involve yourself, the less you have to allow that imagination of yours to take your marriage from you.

As a stepmom and a woman with and ex husband whom I've had children with, let me ASSURE you that if your husband things about being married to that other person it's NOT in a whimsical longing way but in a "how the heck did I ever marry that one?!!" kind of way. I often wonder what in the world drove me to think it was a good idea to marry that first male person and when comparing the two husbands I thank my father in heaven for giving me a real MAN to love and be loved by. If you're a good woman, pleasant, helpful, fun and safe for your man, I promise he's doing the same!

HI there- I hope you'll listen to my advice or throw it away. I m a single mom who has had relationships end because "he" couldn't handle my ex being in my life. I think one way to wokr ont his is to take a step back, and realize how lucky these children are to have both a mom and dad and you who all love and take care of them.It is not an easy situation for him as it wasn't for me, if I didn't have my daughter I would have lost all contact with her dad before she was born but I had her and she is the most preciouse thing in my whole world and if I see her "dad" or not it doesn't change how much I love her. I hope that you can really look around and find it in yourelf to realize that he has choose you, that you are the one he loves and let this issue go, I would hate to see you loose him and the girls loose you It sounds like you truly love him and the girls so see if you can realize that their mom being in the picture is the best thing.. or haha you could be my ex's new wife and two "exs" to deal with.. good luck

Unfortunately Hun, He's got kids.And unfortunately, because of that, he needs to deal with his Ex. By the way you write, it sounds as if you might be a titch jealous. How open is your relationship? Can you 2 sit down and talk about ANYTHING?? If so sit him down and explain your feelings. Maybe not in a way asking him for reassurance, but simply to let him know how you feel. Or, you can offer to swap the kids, under the guise that he gets a few minutes of quiet time before going off to work. There is no reason you can't go to Parent/teacher meeting with him. You are one of the mom's and really need to know what goes on at school as well as how those issues are handled. The school can't NOT let you in as his wife.
Rest assured, you would know by now if he does have any interest in his ex.....so, unless you know something that didn't get mentioned in your question, then there is no real reason to be jealous. The biggest thing I would focus on right now, is mainly trying to give the girls a balanced life, and structure in your home. Good luck, and I hope you can get it all figured out and be happy and comfortable.

I have to deal with the same thing! You just have to realize that your husband chose NOT to continue the relationship with her and is now in one with you.

Think of it this way... I'm sure you have an ex as most people do. Imagine you had children together and you had to see each other and talk because of the kids. Would you continue contact otherwise? I don't know about you, but most of my exes aren't part of my married with children life. This woman probably wouldn't be part of his life if not for the kids.

That's the only reason she's there. I know in my husband's case, his last marriage ended because of her cheating and not taking care of the house and kids while she worked 3 jobs to allow her to be a stay-at-home mom. He would love nothing more than to be rid of her, but they are civil (mostly) and I know that he's mine.... She's just the kids' mom. She's not a "friend" by any means. They have a bond that ties them together and I can't change that, but I can accept that. I have to accept that.

And I agree with Stephanie! I have 3 little boys with my husband and the thought of divorce and turning their lives upside down is terrifying and whenever there's a fight and I think about leaving, I think about ALL avenues of reconciliation to prevent that from happening. People don't just up and divorce with children if there's anything left to rekindle. By the time divorce comes around, usually every avenue had been retired and there's nothing left.

Trust Trust Trust!!!!!

I don't know how to help you with that, but all I can say is keep your feelings to yourself. He's got enough on his plate trying to wrangle his wife and the mother of his children and keeping everyone happy. He doesn't need you being jealous on top of it all.

Count your blessings - the fact that they get along is wonderful for everyone involved - less stress, financial issues, push-pull on the kids...
I don't know what to tell you about the jealousy issue - you're going to have to talk to yourself about that. He belongs to you now; if they were still in love they'd still be married, and if you let this fester it will drive a stake between you and your husband. Let it go; rise above it; don't listen to it. You can't control anyone except yourself.
Best of luck!

My fiance has a son from a previous marriage also. And I hate the woman. She is a horrible horrible person. But as annoyed and frustrated that I get when she does decide to have a part in the kids life, I know that he loves me and that he's only being civil to her for the sons sake. If you really have a horrible problem with him having contact with her just or the kids...then you're probably not the one for him. You need to realize that he's only talking to her for the girls. If you can't handle it, then maybe you shouldn't be with him.....

who dates a guy who is still in contact with his ex? Obviously - YOU. And not only that you married him. You have a great husband from what you say, focus on that. Would you be this jealous of a female co-worker? Try to think of her like that. She's just a co-worker in his job of being a parent. She isn't going to go away -- she is the mother of his kids. You are lucky to have a civil relationship with her. If you really can't get control of the jealousy on your own you should consider therapy before it destroys your marriage.
Good luck!