Behavior Problem

A.:
You have two options: take her to counseling or punish her for bad behavior(take away priviledges, paddling).
P. S

At the library they have "1-2-3 Magic" in book, CD, and videocassette. It's great. You can go online and reserve it.

Good morning, A..
I'm sorry but i'm old school and I do not play the disrespectful role. I have 4 kids of my own to of them are teenage boys. They know that if they cross the line mama will get their butts too. As for my youngest two which are 2 and 6 years old. They are a little more hyper than my older boys. I think girls will try you faster than boys will. If you disipline her as soon as she does these things she will know what she is doing wrong. Explaine to her that her behavior is unacceptable and mama wont have it. After awhile all you will have to do is give her "THAT LOOK". Some people do not believe in spanking so Im not sure. But fo me and mine, I have to draw the line and I am the mom.

Hi A.,
In your request you wrote, "it seems like all i do is yell yell yell at her." I think that might be part of the problem. I also yell at my children way too much, and when I do, I notice that their behavior becomes more aggressive and they start yelling back and being mean to me. Sometimes the most effective thing we, as parents, can do is be very quiet and not let our children push our buttons. When they see that they have effectively gotten a negative response out of us, we have just given them control. There is a book that has been recommended to me called "Screamfree Parenting." I plan to read it. If you would like to read it too, we could do it together and compare notes.
Good luck!

A.... I know I'll be repeating what's already been said, but you've can't keep yelling at her. For your own sanity more than anything. My daughter is 5 and she pushes the boundaries everyday. I have allowed myself to get into yelling matches with her and no one wins. It's a struggle for me but I try hard to not get caught in the yelling trap. It's also hard not to be hurt by what your child is saying. Mine likes to tell me that I'm not a nice mommy and she likes daddy better. That's h*** o* the ego when your the one who spends the most time and energy on them.

Here's what we're working on doing for our daughter. We give her a couple of chances to follow the instructions we've given and then she goes straight to her room. Her room has a bed, some stuffed animals, and a few book. No toys. No TV. No Radio. Nothing to make her room a "fun" place to be. If she decides to fight about going to her room, she gets a spanking and then has to go to her room (or be taken depending on the day). When she calms down and is ready to follow instructions she is allowed to come back out. If she has destroyed her room during her time there she is responsible for cleaning it up. This process removes me from the situation and helps me not fall into the trap of arguing with or yelling at my child. It also gives me a chance to remind myself that I am the parent and as nice as it would be if my child liked me it is more important that she respect me.

I can't tell you that this is miracle method and I now have a perfect child. But I can tell you we are seeing progress. And I spend less time feeling like a bad parent. I hope this helps you at least to know you're not alone. Good Luck!

T. D

Yelling at your child creates aggression. You should calmly tell her that she should not talk to you the way she is talking to you, and let her know how much you love her. "I love you so much. It hurts me when you talk to me the way you are talking to me.." Examine what is going on at home, is there a change? What is she like at school? You may even want to come out and ask, "I can see something is upsetting you, what is it, baby? What can I do to help you?" Let her know that she can talk to you about anything. Give her love, not further aggression. It's hard, sometimes, when you are tired. But, if your boss yelled at you, it would make you angry. Children are the same. Studies are showing that punishment does not usually work to change behavior for the long term. Positive reinforcement does. Good luck.

I second the book, "Parenting with Love and Logic". No yelling, no screaming, no repeated warnings, no spanking, etc. She sounds like she needs to talk about something and in order to get her to do that, she needs a firm mom. The good relationship will come later once she feels like she has some boundaries. Talking back is just another way that kids are screaming for limits. You will become the 'mean' mom after this change gets started, but believe it or not, you'll get better behavior.

Good luck!

Check out the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leman. You can read excerpts online at Amazon.com and see if it appeals to you. My friends rave about this book and say it has solved many of their disciplinary issues.

That your daughter is behaving differently with you and her father indicates inconsistencies in responses to her. Your child does not need you be nice. She needs you to be firm, consistent, and mature for her to respect you. Without knowinf anything about the background here, I suggest that you go to a community/church organization/YMCA and take a parenting skills class Her response to you is unacceptable and will only get worse. Your daughter is not the problem; your relationship with her is. Her father's home must provide consistent firm management for her. She is responding to your anger and frustation. Get help. J. G.

She is working you over....you need to be very consistent with her and dont' yell- if she disrespects you, pick her up and put her in a naughty spot and tell her that talk is not acceptable and leave her there for 5 minutes, then go get her and say let's be more respectful OK? and tell her you love her- dont' bring it up again, if it happens again just repeat the process with no emotion., until she gets it right....it will take a week maybe, if your lucky she'll get it sooner. Kids often act up because they know we expect them too - expect greatness and you'll recieve greatness- mimick the behaviour you want from her- if you want respect- show respect, if you want happiness, friendliness, show friendliness. Kids learn what they live. It's the hardest thing to realize as a parent.
Try to have fun with her too, make her responsible for soemthing and make time for just her- even a half an hour a day will make a difference. It's hard to split time evenly with more than one child in the house- I have 3...but if you can find a system that works it will make a huge difference.
Good Luck to you
Nikki

A.,
I'm straight forward so bear with me please.
Pick your battles, stop yelling and watch the Nanny program.
Your daughter is obviously angry a lot of the time and who wouldn't be if your barked at for everything. Calm yourself and your voice down, set and discuss the rules with her and be "CONSISTENT" with them using consequences for breaking the rules. All this takes time, but then it took 6 years to get to this point so now you both are paying the price for whoever, whatever began this. Give her quality time with you, show her you love her by being a patient, in control mom. Since you work full time this is probably a lot of the problem. You are tired when you get home, she starts to act out, you yell, it's a vicious cycle, and to top it off she has to compete with a two year old. WHEN does this six year old get any personal, special time with mommy? She is angry because she is in need of your attention. Find a way to give her really good quality time so she feels special and loved. She is angry, angry angry. Most first children in a family of several children get the grunt work day in and day out. A lot is asked of them and they have to do it. Go get this, go do that, I told you to watch your sister, and the child is overwhelmed in parental duties which are not her job! They never move quick enough for that diaper, or stop the baby from getting into something, it goes on and on, can you hear me? She needs to be a child, lovingly asked to help here and there with tons of love and attention and being told she is a good girl. When was the last time you told her that? I would suggest some parenting classes to help change the behavior patterns in your home for you and your husband. There is a lot of info that's not here such as how your husband handles things. Does he yell and order, does she talk back, is she spanked? (I hope not)
Please get to the bottom of this so you don't have two children doing the same thing. Your two year old will be exactly like her sister if you don't. LOVE and RESPECT cures all, heals all, and mends all things. Can you see the picture change with some quality work being done in your family?
A., like I said earlier I'm straight forward, but don't take a offense please, because I'm not saying you are a bad mom, just a mom with lots of things going on at home, work etc., that I can't know from your letter. I'm just trying to get my point across to you as simply as I can.
I truly hope you can understand the dynamics here so your little girl can grow up to feel good about herself and be the sweet loving girl that's inside her to be. You can do alot to help her be happy with life.
I wish you the best.

Here are some books that I've enjoyed "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" and "How to Behave so Your Preschooler Will, too." (There are versions for older kids, too, by the same authors, since she's just above preschooler age.)

You need to model respectful behavior in order for her to mirror it. If you're losing your temper and yelling frequently, then she's going to pick up on that and do it, too. I know it's really hard to control your anger when your kid is acting like a little so-and-so, but you *have* to control your emotions, because she can't. It's really easy to get sucked into her anger - don't come down to her level. If you are always making *all* the decisions and yelling if she doesn't immediately comply, that's not treating her with respect, either. She needs to understand what "respectful behaviour" it looks like and feels like. More Golden Rule and less "Do as I say... or else!"

If you allow your 6 year old to have a little control, allow her to make some decisions, and don't allow yourself to get emotionally overwrought, but maintain composure, then things may start to calm down. ( I don't mean letting them decide to stay up all night or run in the street or have ice cream instead of dinner. I mean let her have some choice. Day to day, children have very little say in what goes on in their life. Just as a "for instance" - If you don't like your job, boss, or co-workers, you can resign, start somewhere else, maybe even go into a completely different career field - kids are stuck with the same school, teacher, and classmates. Most of thier lives are like that.)

Kids love to be treated with respect, to be spoken to like we speak to other adults, to be given the opportunity to make decisions, and they often respond by acting more responsibly and doing things for themselves. Keep high expectations, let her know what those expectations are, and she will *want* to start acting responsibly.

www.loveandlogic.com is a great resource. They have wonderful books about Love and Logic parenting. You can likely find them at the library too. I think this will help you a lot.

A.... First of all my heart goes out to you. I have been there and have found success through a bbok called, BOUNDARIES WITH KIDS", written by DRS, Cloud and Townsend. The book teaches you how to get around these behaviors while helping you understand things contributing to the behaviors.

You can find it at any large book store or order it on-line through Barnes & Noble CHEAPER as a gently used book, through their website. Just sear for the book as normal. I got an extra copy for about $4-just look for the used price below the box that houses the retail price. These books are from other booksellers.

A.,

I wish the best for you and your daughter. Please remember that you are the adult and she is the child. You are her mother not her friend, so instead of being "nice" to her you will have to be the grown-up and assert your authority. As mentioned before, you do not need to yell to be the authority. You need to set the rules and enforce them. Keeping your cool and standing your ground are the first steps to winning her respect back, which might take some time. However, you can do it if you are, again as someone else said, consistent. Good luck!

A.,

I really like "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay & Foster Cline. It gives you excellent parenting methods to use to help raise respectful, responsible adults. It's never fun being the brunt of your child's frustration and angst. Check the book out at the library or on eBay... I think you will find that it helps a ton!

Good luck,

T.

Being "nice" to her when her bahaviour is totall unacceptable is simply encouraging it. When she does this she should go to her room for time out. You could say something like "since you seem to not be feeling well, I think you need to go to bed 30 minutes earlier tonight". Do it. You will need to remove any toys from her room that she entertains herself with. Make any treats or good things be earned by her good behaviour. If she has a favorite TV show she does not get to watch it when she has talked back and not listened. Make yourself a list of what you can take away from her and only let it be earned by good behaviour. There could be many things - "no dessert", TV, playing with favorite toys, playing with a special friend after school, etc. V.

Hi A.!

I read a terrific book while on vacation that may help you, HAVE A NEW KID BY FRIDAY, by Dr. Kevin Leman. Also, I highly recommend you read Dr. James Dobson's PARENTING ISN'T FOR COWARDS. Get them quickly! You'll be glad you did, I think! My husband and I greatly respect both of these authors. Let me know how it goes and if you want to talk further, just email me.

Blessings,

H.

I had similar issues with my son. I read a book that saved my family. I later found out that my sister's daughter's doctor recommended the same book:

Transforming the Difficult Child, The Nurtured Heart Approach by: Howard Glasser, Jennifer Easley

It is a process and you must get all adults on board.

I have a 10 yr old with adhd,bipolar and intermittent explosive disorder.The key to these type of any behaviours is to catch them and treat them early.I caught Nigel's at 5.

I am so sorry you are having this problem with your daughter! My daughter started the same behavior around that age as well. I remember how horrible it was! Her pediatrition told me a lot was due to hormone surges. She is doing much better now, but we still have episodes. We have just tried to be consistant with our disipline. For a while it seemed nothing worked..I suggest to keep her respect, and stay consistant with your displine(s)!! Good luck and hang in there!!!!