Behavior - Cranston,RI

I don't know a nice way to say this, so here it is: Your child does not want to do these activities, you are forcing him do them anyway, and then you are wondering why hes freaking out?! Activities like swimming and soccer are for the CHILD, and therefore he is the one who decides if he wants to do them of not. Just by the way you said "I want him to be involved in activities" tells me that it is YOU who wants him to do these things, not him. I really need to wonder about your motivation in signing him up for all these classes and then forcing him to go even though he obviously is no longer interested. Are you trying to compete with the neighbours, use these activities as an opportunity to get some time to yourself, etc...? because your son definitely is not getting the benefit.

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I doubt he is old enough to understand the lesson you are trying to teach him about quitting/wasting money. I guess if he feels that strongly about it that he's causing a scene you should just take him out and do something different. Maybe take a break from classes for a while. Save the money for something else, like days at a children's museum or something like that. Just because he was interested in it as a younger child doesn't mean he always will be, and forcing him to stick around might just make him even more resistent to join in because he will feel like he's being forced. Think about the activities you did as a young child. Did you keep up with all of them for the rest of your childhood or did you lose interest in some? If he was older and on a school team I could understand trying to teach him a lesson about following through on committments, staying on for the team, etc. but I think 4 years old is too young for him to get it. Too bad about the money already spent though, I can imagine that must be frustrating.

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Our son is also four, and often does not want to join activities. Sometimes we find it hard to believe that he really does not want to join, so we gently try to help him join for a while, but if he doesn't change his mind, we let him quit. We belive he would be too young to be taught the lessons you are trying to teach yours.

What struck me was that you are embarassed by your sons expression of his emotions. Do you really need to be? It's vital to be loved, even when we express negative emotions, isn't it? Is he allowed to be himself, or does he need to be a tough little trooper? These are questions that are worth exploring over and over again, at least i find that, as my children challenge me to love them unconditionally.

Oh, one more thing. I went swimming with our son recently, and assumed he wanted to do the big water slide, as he always does with his dad. he said: "I do not like to do the big slide." I said: "But you always loved it with Dad!" He said: "Oh, i do it with dad, cause HE loves it so much." I had no idea he was picking up his fathers desire for him to be an adventurous little guy, but he does. I wonder what he picks up from me? I hope he will be able to live his true self, and we try ti be aware of our projections. Hard job.

good luck!

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Minors are not allowed to sign contracts for a good reason! A small child really does not understand the long-term implications of a request like this.

My mom signed me up for slide guitar, at my request, when I was about 10. The salesman's guitar sounded so very cool! I discovered by the end of the first class that I couldn't bear the sound of all those beginners on all those cheap student instruments. It made my nerves ache and I felt desperate to get out of the room. (I've since learned that I have sensory issues, but that term wasn't around when I was young.)

My mom wasn't rich, and she forced me to complete most of the classes she paid for. After a few weeks, I would get the most terrible stomachaches when I even tried to practice. But she'd "spent all that money" on me, and didn't want me to duck out on my "responsibilities and obligations."

It's taken most of my last 40 years to learn to love and appreciate all that my mother did for me, because her many ideas about what "should" be were so badly misaligned with what actually "was" for me. And her lack of respect for my authentic needs resulted in my not being able to respect my own very real needs. Not healthy, and not something we consciously would ever wish on our beloved children.

Based on my experience, I would be inclined to honor my child's preferences when they are stated so clearly. He may have asked for the classes, but the money is YOUR issue, not his – it will be at least 2-3 more years before it becomes meaningful to him. Not his fault: he's simple not conceptually ready to grasp what it represents in terms of value or the difficulty of earning it.

Demanding he never quit something he started could backfire someday – what if he starts an activity, a dare, or a relationship dangerous to his physical or emotional health? Forcing him into an activity that "should" be fun for him will not make it so. It might simply make him resist more desperately. As he gets older, if your demands make no sense to him in terms of his own needs, he may become more defiant, or he may give up emotionally to please you. Either outcome is tragic.

What he does know, intimately, is what his interests and fears are. Have you talked to him about what he wants (or does not want), and why? What do you believe about parenting that makes it so important that he does NOT "get his way?" Does that mean EVER? Is that something you are carrying from your own childhood? Is there a more flexible way to look at it? Do you want him to learn all the lessons, or are there good lessons in this situation for you to learn, too?

I hope you'll consider cutting this little guy some slack, M.. Firm parenting is important, but compassionate parenting can be firm. And it can make our kids' eyes sparkle.

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these are "extracurricular" activities. emphasis on "extra". how do you think those of us that aren't fortunate enough to have the extra money to put our children in all these activities do it? we take our kids on walks, to parks, play hide and seek, play the Wii - anything that is active is great. if the weather is bad we have even gone to the mall just to walk around and burn off some energy. i would love to have my son in some classes, and hope to in the future, but i really think they're overrated. the good you get out of these activities can be gotten elsewhere. four is a little young to be worrying about wasting money, or even looking ahead six weeks to "finishing what you start". not sure four year olds can really see the big picture like that. it's up to you, but i would give him a break. not every kid is a go-go-go social butterfly type. or he just might need a break from them. you never know, this might just be a phase and next year he'll ask to be enrolled again.

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He may be too young, frankly, to be overscheduled. He may be rebelling because he's overstimulated or feels socially overwhelmed. I'm not sure what the big rush is to put him in so many activities - I understand that he enjoyed these things before, or seemed to. But maybe it was too much, or he has simply changed his style. He is too young to understand the concept of wasting money. It's possible that he might begin to understand that he took another kid's spot and now that other kid hasn't been allowed in. However, I would just cut my losses, take him home, and not sign him up for anything else. Making him watch other kids is just a form of punishing him, and that's why the screaming fits are happening. Just take children out of situations where they have tantrums or screaming fits, and take them home to someplace quiet. You don't have to reward the behavior, but there is no point in continuing to subject everyone to something upsetting.

That said, the next time he asks to participate in something, you have to evaluate it. You maybe should give him something at home to do and stick to on a regular basis. Then, he can pick ONE activity outside the home - one per week. If it's soccer, it's soccer. But it's not soccer and swimming and karate and piano. There's nothing wrong with having kids play pick-up games in the neighborhood, do an impromptu play date, go for a hike, etc.

We push push push our kids so much, and I for one really rebelled against this with our son. He's turned out to be incredibly well-adjusted, creative and social - he developed these skills through unstructured but active time, down time, and a slow introduction of organized activities. Ask any teacher which type of kid they would rather have in class! Teachers today are going out of their minds with kids who cannot settle down and cannot think creatively because they have been over-directed. I know you are receiving a lot of pressure to do what you are doing, but your kid is telling you that it's not working. Truthfully, it's not working for most of the other kids either, but they aren't showing the symptoms yet or the parents aren't noticing.

Use your money for something like a museum membership. Often these are good at sister museums so you get a lot of "bang for your buck" - let your child explore and learn, relate to other kids in occasional activities at these museums, and develop a wide range of experiences where he can be engaged and successful. It will pay off!!!

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Don't sign him up for activities then. Wait awhile. Go to the park, kick a ball with him in the yard. In the summer, take him to your local pool.

I wouldn't force a 4 yr old to do activities they didn't want to do. Every kid is different - maybe he just wants a break. It could be that a year from now, he'll be interested in doing an activity. Make it clear then that if you do sign him up, then he has to finish the season.

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I totally understand your point as a parent that you'd prefer to teach your child the "we don't quit" attitude...but in what you're describing...something about soccer...be it the coach...the location...the other players...whatever...is seriously bothering your son for whatever reason. Have you tried giving him positive attention (what's bothering you about this field/sport/coach?) on this matter rather than negative ("no, we're not leaving, we're not quiting and wasting mom's money")? Find a quiet place...talk with your child as to why he's so disturbed when he goes to soccer.

Any child that is putting up this much of a fight NOT to go/join something is trying to convey their fears and/or anxieties for this matter. Do your best to find out what it is. And stop looking at it from a negative point of you...you are the mother of this child. He will respect/love you more for trying to understand him rather than refusing to help him to make yourself happy.

Good luck with everything.

http://www.thewritersnotion.com

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M.,
Your request for advice is short, but it is packed with lots of things that seem to be bothering you. I think if you focus in on what is really bothering you then the solution might be obvious. Is it the money lost if you quit, the embarrassing displays of emotion, a 4 year old that does not see an activity through to completion,...? My son, who is now 6, has been signed up for almost every imaginable class. At first, I chose them, but they always ended in disaster. So, then I started letting him choose - still never done to completion. I was also upset over the lost money, but now I just think of it as a donation. I see now that he will be the jack-of-all-trades and master of none. He goes to the class to learn just enough to say he can do something and then he is DONE. The other problem that I think my son has is that he is a perfectionist, so when he is faced with others that are seemingly better than him, he quits before getting utterly frustrated. As another responder pointed out, it is important to know when it is ok to quit something. This is a life lesson that will come with time.
I just don't think it is worth putting you, your son, or your husband through such emotionally difficult events when the whole point is for it to be fun! Life is too short to stress out over such things. I am sure he will come around again to wanting to do an activity - just wait and be supportive when that time comes. Good luck.
C.

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Hi M.,

It is really tough when you shell out the money for an activity they really, really like and then they suddenly decide they don't want to go. My 3 1/2 year old daughter LOVED going to indoor soccer the whole 1st session, so we signed her up for a 2nd session. Same place, same group of kids, same adults teaching but after the first day she didn't want to go. We went back the 2nd week and she wouldn't go out on the field, same thing had a meltdown. I had to carry her screaming from the place. We went back a week later after she said she wanted to go but once again I had to carry her out. We stopped going. I just chalked the wasted money up to a lesson learned. She never mentioned soccer again. I recently joined the Y and at the end of this month my daughter who is now 4 1/2 is going to have an 8 week swimming class. She has been asking to swim for almost a year and is very excited. Hopefully it will work and the year long break she had will help. Maybe your son just needs a break. You could use it as a teaching moment if you take a break from classes and he mentions wanting to go to a class, you could always say we took you to classes and you didn't enjoy them so we are just going to wait a little while, maybe when you are both ready it will work out. Doing fun things together as a family might be more enjoyable to him now. Spend the money you would have used for a class going to a kids museum or something like that. Good luck!!!

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I had/have the same issue with my son (turning 5 next month). I find him more willing to do those classes when he has a good friend from his preschool with him. My son is extremely shy. We've basically taken this approach lately. Because I feel it's good for him to do these activities and the socialization aspects he needs to figure out on his own. I don't want him to be shy his whole life.
I moved around my whole life, and the way I always made new friends was to participate in sports.

I ask him before I sign him up if he wants to do it. I sign him up, and if he puts up a fight I go to the registration desk on the first day and unenroll him (that way i at least get a credit to use next time). It may not teach him the lesson you're trying to teach him, but we've only had to do it once so far. The friend doing the class with him really helps us.

Good luck.

Try these ideas on this blog from Dr. Pruett, MD regarding child discipline.....good luck!
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2009/10/30/...

I think it is a phase that he is going through and I would suggest the same as the last post pick one either stop going or go and see if wants to do it when he gets there. I know it is very frustrating when you spend the money. My 3yr old is doing the same thing right now and I chose to keep going since it is only a 5 week skating class. Maybe stopping and just having fun moomy and daddy time is what he wants right now. Good Luck

It's hard when your child, who always does and likes something, completely turns and hates it! And it's embarrasing when your kid screams and pitches a fit in front of a lot of people!!!!

Perhaps your son is trying to exert some control over his environment? Maybe he is programed out. I'm also not so sure that staying at soccer class is doing very much. He is four. I'm not sure that he understands what you are giving up. Perhaps when he is five or six he might... but at four he might be a bit young.

Maybe next time you have to sign up for classes and such you just don't. See what happens.

Good luck! What an awful problem!

I completely understand where you are coming from!

Our son had been taking swim classes since he was an infant, and after turning three, we signed him up for the fall swim class season. The first Saturday morning came and we COULD NOT get him to cooperate to get out of the house. So we gave up because we recognized that we already ask him to cooperate to leave the house 5 other mornings each week for preschool. He just needed down time at home. Luckily we hadn't paid for the classes yet. Several months later now, I have purchased a relatively low-cost swim pass to complement my membership to the same pool/spa. I take him myself once every week or two and we just have fun together with no pressure of the class or getting there on time.

I think in terms of soccer, you have appropriately recognized that observation is a form of participation. Try this: don't even get him into his soccer outfit or shoes and just bring the stuff in a bag. Don't suggest that he play. Leave the bag in the car so it is not a threat and go right away with him to the sidelines to watch and tell him: we're just going to watch. Tell him this even before you leave the house. Tell him "When you're ready to join in, please tell me and I'll help you get ready." Don't ask him if he's ready. Just let him know you're there for him when he is. This is a boy who is trying to exercise his own will--make it his choice. We do not do anything in life that we do not choose. Make it fun for him by having snacks ready. He may surprise you and tell you "I'm ready!"

If he doesn't start participating by the end of the series of classes, take at least one session break. Tell him, "soccer costs a lot of money and I will only sign you up when you're ready to play." "You tell me when you're ready and we'll talk about it." Then talk about it in detail--what you need him to do if he's ready to play. You can chart out the activities on a sticker chart to spell it out and track his progress. For example, one row can be for getting dressed cooperatively, one row for playing, one row for having a positive attitude the whole time...try not to make it too complicated, though, and focus on the behaviors you want him to keep working on. Maybe a treat after all his work would be to go to together a soccer game played by older youth or adults.

I think it is great that you expose your child to so many wonderful activities. As he grows older, he will appreciate this more. We just have to be careful not to get too attached to how much they like it, behave appropriately, or succeed. Other parents will have compassion for you, there is no reason to be embarrassed unless you start yelling at your child, threatening him, or forcing him to bend to your will. You think their children never have temper tantrums? Try to focus on what he is doing right and reflect this back to him, for example, "I really like how you are watching the boys play soccer. You are learning a lot by watching them." Or, "thank you for coming with me to watch soccer. I'm so glad to spend this time together with you." You probably already do this, but your patience is stretched. Make sure your husband is on the same page so you have a consistent approach.

Best of luck!!! Please let us know what you decide to do and how it works out.

I think you have 2 choices for the rest of the session... either bring him to each activity, appropriately dressed to participate, and let him choose when he gets there whether he wants to participate. Or just stop bringing him, as his behavior has already shown you he is not interested in participating at this time. I think either choice would be fully justified - just pick one or the other & stick with it for both acitivities.

If he continues to not participate, don't sign him up for the next session... and don't sign him up for anything else until he tells you he's ready. These activities are nice for kids to have, but they're not necessary. And if he's been doing them his whole life, a break from them surely won't hurt him now. Hopefully when the time is right, he'll get excited for a new acitivity or be ready to resume an old one, and it will be a more fulfilling expercience for all of you!! Good luck.

Hi M.,

I would stop bringing to the soccer games and making him watch the other kids, he is only 4 and that seems a little mean. I would wait another year before signing him up for anything. I commend you on keeping him active. If your gym has a free family swim time, try going in with him and play. I would also sign him up for one activity at a time. I would have a consequence for his outburst,a time out for that. I dont think you should leave the decision up to a 4 year on what he wants to sign up for either. This is your job to guide him into picking a activity that is suitable for him. Good luck!

D.

Wow! How confusing! He wanted to do them at first and now doesn't? Like Julie S. said, I would not resign him for those classes and give him a break. Are the times of the classes bad for your son? Like, early in the morning and he's not a morning person? Or, just before naptime? Maybe he just wants to "chill out" and not have an organized activity. Good luck and enjoy saving your money for a few months!

B.