Behavior - San Diego,CA

Maybe giving video games to him so young is the way this all started. Then again maybe he just doesn't like being told what to do? I think my stepdaughter is going to get in trouble when she goes because her father rough-housed with her so she wouldn't be a whiny little brat and now she'll probably be beating other kids up. It could be-like this-related to something at home.

Joanna had some *very* good thoughts/q's/ideas... also as an adhd mum wih an adhd kiddo, I have to agree, feel free to cross adhd off the list... <grinning> as Michelle said, adhd is 24/7.

One thing we did while our ds7 was in school (we home/travel school now) that helped tremendously was instituting a "no double jeopardy" clause into our house rules. AKA, he wasn't going to get in trouble at school for something and then turn around and get in trouble AGAIN when he got home. It seemed neither fair nor productive (during the weekends I didn't wait 2-8 hours to punish for or correct behavior, it happened immediately). It was amaaaaazing how much info suddenly got put on the table as soon as kiddo understood that... I'd get a REAL accounting of his perspective of the day. I worked closely with his (fantastic) teacher about how stuff was handled in class... but class and his behavior in it is/was HER purview. The only way it overlapped with mine was how we reinforced each other. We would frequently work on SOLUTIONS when he was at home, but he was not not not going to get in trouble again for something that had happened hours ago and already been punished for.

Some things to consider as far as behavior go... Is he_________ and how are those things being dealt with/ supported:

- Gifted?
- LD?
- 2e? (twice exceptional, meaning Gifted & LD)
- Hypoglycemic? (sooooo many kids need to eat at least every 3 hours, & aren't allowed to)
- Dehydrated?
- Getting enough sleep? (remember, the rule of thumb is still 12-14 hours for growing kids)
- Learning how to be a good friend? (this is a learned skill, and a HARD one... very few kids do it naturally. By 5 most kids have this 3/4s down)
- Just being a boy in a girl's world? (I work in edu and UNFORTUNATELY this is ridiculously common... I've seen perfectly normal/good behavior in boys & tomboys being treated and punished like they were sociopaths. Sigh.)
- In an overly strict environment?
- In an overly permissive environment?

Just knowing that he's misbehaving isn't enough as a parent, what's the context... when, where, how, & why is he misbehaving?

I agree with the pp. It could be the sign of a disorder of some sort. If you're not seeing any problems at home, you can easily rule out ADHD because that one is 24/7. However, he may have a learning disability or other condition that's affecting his ability to thrive at school. I would get solid details from the teacher about the behavior and take this information to your son's pediatrician as a starting point. He/she can then refer you to specialists, if needed.

Hi A. R.
Sounds like your son is smart and having trouble focusing on the teacher's agenda.

I have found that whenever my children have had conduct issues, it was an opportunity to communicate and strengthen our relationship.

Perhaps you have already done these things, but this is what has worked for me (I have two sons 19 and 26 - both were very much active boys growing up).

The best way to sum up this advice is: put your child in charge of his conduct, rather than the adults.

Set the expectation that he is in control of himself, not the teacher and not you. And then help him to translate his personal interests, goals and desires to being an asset in the classroom.

1. Talk to your son. Get him to share with you what is on his heart and mind. He may have some very specific goals or desires, that if constructively expressed to his teacher, could be accommodated in the class room.

The hardest thing to do sometimes is really listen, especially when our child's behvior is "at issue". Issues can be blessings if we take the time to connect with our children about what is really motivating them.

NOTE: be sure that you REALLY want to know what is on his mind. Sometimes we open up a dialogue with the intent of getting our own point across... and kids pick up on that.

2. Establish what is the goal each day. Is the goal to go to school to learn?

In your conversation with your son, explore the value of learning and how the classroom is the place to do this.

3. Talk with the teacher about giving your son constructive criticism and opportunity to re-direct.

Perhaps he has a little snack in his backpack that with the teacher's que (permission) he is excused to take a little nibble, or smell aromatherapy or something -- that will allow him to refocus and remind himself why he is in class.

The more you and the teacher can give him ways to assert self control and re-join the group on his own initiative, the easier it will be.

I am not suggesting the consequences for outright defiance are never in order. However, I am suggesting that if we only focus on bad act and punishment, he is getting trained for "non compliance".

At some point, you might seek the assistance of a counselor to help ahieve more clarity if it doesn't get resolved quickly. You don't want your son "trained" to be the disruptive one.

Best wishes,
J.
www.bananamoments.com

Like a previous poster. there is not enough information given here to really give useful advice. As an educator, I would find myself asking, "Is the teacher having problems with just this student, or are there others...does the teacher need more time or help with classroom management skills?" What are the criteria for "getting in trouble"? Hurting other students, getting bored or tired and not "working hard enough"...this could be wide range of things, and be quite subjective depending on teacher attitude.
I would work with the teacher/staff to see how to head off problems..."failure" in school at such a young age can set up a negative expectation and attitude in your son.

Maybe he just doesn't like school.

What do you mean by "doesn't behave"? Is he verbally defiant, passively noncompliant, destructive...

He's five, so it could be nothing or this could be a symptom of a real complication. I would suggest setting-up a meeting with the teacher and school psychologist and request a detailed classroom observation and behavior rating scales- could be ADHD, a language delay, learning delay- very tough to differentiate at this age, but definitely look into it!

The consequences should be initially in school if that is where the behavior is occuring and then reinforced at home. Work with the school team to develop some form of daily feedback and logical system of consequences.

Reverse your consequences. If your son wants to play video games, with his toys, etc., he must EARN the privilege by behaving well at school. Daily notes/emails from the teacher will be the measure of his success.

Also, if you can swing it, watch your son in class (objectively, not to trap the teacher or decide your kid's an angel and the rest of the world doesn't get it). You may be surprised/dismayed by what you see. I've done this with both my sons and it was very enlightening.

However, having said all that, I can tell you that my youngest son's behavior in school did not improve on the long term until we took away all electronic toys (video, computer, game boys) and doled out the time only sparingly. The difference was night and day. I wouldn't have believed the difference if hadn't seen it with my own eyes. My son learned that playing outside with friends, board games, reading and music were just as much fun as electronics.

As a high school teacher, I can also tell you that when my students are "unplugged" by the their parents for whatever reason, they become much more pleasant to deal with. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Good luck!

Hello, Can you go and sit in school with him? Can you start to volunteer in his class? That might make a difference. Other than that, he might be bored or the opposite, struggling. As far as discipline, I would pick something that might work and stick with it. He has to know that every time he breaks this rule the same thing will happen. Don't threat or warn any more, just follow through. Kids have to know the result is coming. It is important that you listen to him, but also important that you respect his teachers and what they are trying to help him learn. I also agree with Shann T. that positive reinforcement is a great idea. I used it with my daycare many years ago and it really worked.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

First you have to figure out what is causing the bad behavior in school. Is he bored? Is he hungry? Is someone bothering him? Does he not understand what the teacher is teaching? It could be something simple that needs to be addressed. Then he needs some positive reinforcement from you and the teacher. He should be praised for showing good behavior. Maybe have a chart at home where he can get a sticker for every day in school where he doesn't get in trouble. After 10 stickers he gets a treat or present. Keep this going for a couple of months and not getting in trouble will start to become the norm for him. The teacher should praise him (and other kids) for sitting quietly and listening and doing good work. My son is in 2nd grade now and they give out "tickets" for good behavior and for doing well on their work. The tickets go into a box and names are picked on Fridays to get some special treats. If you and the teacher work together you can figure something out that works for you and your son. Hope this helps! Good luck! Your son may just outgrow this behavior as he gets older too....

I totally agree with all posters who said you need to figure out why he's acting out. As a mom of a special needs child, he may have a learning issue. Our son had serious attention problems until we figured out he had auditory processing disorder. Once the right accommodations were put into place, his attention improved 1000%. Just because he's acting out doesn't mean he's trying to be "bad." It's sign something else is going on...

Talk to the school psychologist and request a behavioral assessment. Put your request in writing so you have a record of it. They must respond within 30 days to let you know if they are going to do it. If your son is hitting other kids (i.e. harming other kids), then they are required by law to do the behavioral assessment.

Hi A.,

As a Family Success Coach I see this a lot. You didn't say what kind of trouble. He is 5, it could be almost anything (LOL)

Check in with the teacher and find out what is triggering his "trouble". Is it a certain time of day? Is it right after lunch? Same time during the day, after recess etc? Is it when he is around any certain kids? During a certain subject?

There is ALWAYS a trigger or pattern. Find out what it is.

What is he eating throughout the day? What was his breakfast? Please allow me to share a quick story from one of my families:

Kim, Mom of Amber, 6, Garret, 10, & Shelby, 15
“After struggling in school for two years with not being able to focus and regulate his behaviour, my son, Garret, after just a few focused weeks, is a new boy. Normally, he would have at least one incident a day and sometimes multiple! His school said I should put him on a popular “doctor recommended medicinal program” to help maintain his focus. I chose FOOD RULES instead. He is able to focus and moderate his own energy so he can get the most out of his studies and relationships at school. We have noticed the change at home also. Our WHOLE FAMILY now follows the FOOD RULES as our step toward our optimal health!”

A., if you need anything, just ask.

B.
Family Success Coach

With my son problems at school were only solved by consequences at school. It's a bumber for the teacher but anything I did at home had no affect on his at school behavior. Once he started losing priviledges (or stopped earning them-positive approach) he shaped up.
Although in Kindergarten he was in a class with a whole bunch of rambuncious boys and he often got pulled into their squabbles and created some of his own. It wasn't until I was able to go sit at school and actually see what was going on that we were able to solve the problem. I could focus on just my son while the teacher was busy with 20 5 year olds.
Good Luck

hi A.
I was listening to one program about misbehavied kids and I got the number of the Neurologist for kids, the # is ###-###-####
you can call and make appointment and talk to somebody professional
good luck

Positive reinforcement for good behavior is much better than consequences for bad behavior. I would work with your son's teacher and establish one or two goals for your son's behavior in school. If he meets the goal, he is rewarded...video game/TV time, trip to the park, an inexpensive toy, or something else that is meaningful to him.

I would start with encouraging him to meet the goal for one day and reward each day he meets the goal. Then build up to two days, then three and so on until his reward will be for meeting the goal for a whole week. A chart your son can put stickers on is a great visual to motivate him.

You also need to make sure you're clear with him on the expectations. What does good behavior mean/look like? Set him up for success! Make it achievable. Be positive, encouraging, and patient.

Good luck! This can be done!