Bedtime Routine - Linden,MI

C.,

Your bedtime routine has gotten a little out of control.

Yes you should stop this. If you don't, mark my word you will be a victim of your kids' control techniques. Change it now and quit babying them, start setting some boundaries and ground rules, make a different time of day to enjoy being with your kids. At bedtime, sing a couple songs with them, do prayers if that's part of it, and leave. It will take consistency on your part if they scream and/or get up. Take them back, tell them to stay put. Hubby should be with you on this.

If you don't, it will only escalate into bigger and more dramatic situations. And as they grow they'll use other things to have their way. Remember you are the parent.

Change the routine. I am a newly divorced mom of 4 young ones; save your marriage before it's too late.

Read a story in each child's' bed. Instead of 30 minutes, try about 10 minutes in each room. Lay with each one for no more than 5 minutes. Leave the door open, leave a night light on. Find out what they are "scared" of and reassure them that things will be ok. Good news is they do not get up in the middle of the night...right? Good luck! Contact me if you need more information!

Yup. It's just my opinion , but change that routine now! A little 'tough love' now will save you a huge pain later.. and possibly your relationship with your hubby!
Just sit down with the older two and explain that there is noting scary there , that THEY have the power to think bad things out of thier head. That you are always only a room away. That they need to be bigger girls now and brave.
Be firm... it's hard.
Leave the room after reading to them even if they get sobby. Dont forget to tell them you love your brave big girls!
Keep with the new routine... and praise them in the morning.
First week may be tough. That's ok.

It's always hard to stop a behavior once you start it ... don't lay in bed with the new one.. nip THAT in the bud.
Find other ways to be close to them and have together time. It will be worth it!
Good luck!

Hello...

I am sorry to say but do need to start right now getting things changed..

I am a mom of 4 and a child care provider and it sounds as thou you have been suckered by the kids.

I would get the teeth brushed, pjs and give them one bed time story and read it on the couch. (involve the hubby and baby have dad be a patrol officer in this too) (GET OUT OF THE BED!!!)
the way you wrote the kids sleep together.. you need to seperate them. bunk beds or two singles. they can't be together (maybe one should bunk with baby if they don't behave?) anyway your going to have to stick to the guns and even if they cry turn the other cheek they will go to sleep.. Start on a weekend so If they are up longer than usual you have a more calming weekend. you can't keep running to them when you hear a whimper or see a tear.

Possibly do this and if they go to sleep and stay in bed reward them for being such big girls and going straight to bed with NO problems..

A big chart with a supper cool reward is in order... Make it neat with the kids help. Decorate it with stickers and pictures etc. kids love to cut out pictures (parents magazine is great) then make sure to make a picture or spell out what the reward is hang it on the fridge. reward can be(chuckie cheese, new toy, what ever but it has to be big) start on Friday night.
if they do good they get a happy face and for the next 7 day's if they get a happy face you provide the reward on saturday.. For any and I mean any time you have to get up and get after them for making a bit of a fuss you tell them the next morning while looking at the chart with them and explaining(hummm Mommy or daddy had to come to your room and ask you to stop talking etc..) for that you get a sad face :( they will catch on. they will get a weeks worth of sad faces and then magic will happen and you will start getting happy faces. Oh and at first when you do this send dad up to tell kids to be good- I feel kids respect men more and it I think is their deep voice.

good luck.

Hi C..
I do about the same thing with my daughter.
I make it a game. It is me against my daughter. We race to see who can get ready for bed first, then brushing teeth. I limit her to two stories and if she took to long getting ready, she loses a story. I also play baby lullibies. I do lay down with her until she is asleep. There is nothing wrong with making your child feeling safe to fall asleep.
I know a lot of people don't agree with this but you have to do what you feel is right.

Good luck, L.

the longer you wait, the worse it will get! they are 'big' kids and can & should know how to fall asleep on their own. spending time with them before bed is fine, just do it and then tuck them in (or whatever your routine would be) and leave their room. and it's o.k. if they cry! reassure them and send them back to bed. after a while just send them back to bed, no conversation or negotiating. please do this for your kids and for your husband, not to mention your sanity! good luck! :)

Hi C.,
You sound like a very kind and caring mom. I believe if you are happy doing this bedtime routine and it brings you pleasure then you should continue on with it. But I am thinking by the fact that you brought it up here that it must becoming to much. I am sure this routine started out with the best intentions from your heart so then you feel quilty wanting to change it because it is what the kids have come to know. I understand completely........been there myself.
Everyone has given you great ideas so I don't need to give you more. The key is to make it a bedtime routine you can live with for a long time so you don't have to tweak it all the time. For me...the less the better. My son will ask me to lay down with him or chit chat with him etc. etc. this is a childs way of stalling. Don't fall into their traps.
If your childrens needs are met through out the day then they
are just fine at bedtime don't fall into the quilty trap that they need you. They are fine. They will build great self esteem and confindence by being able to quiet them selves down at bedtime on their own. Really this is harder on you then it is on them. Kids just want to know the boundries.
They want to know that you believe in them that you believe they are capable of going to bed like big kids. The more you comfort them at bedtime the more you are sending out the message that they are not able to do this themselves.
Your heart is in the right place but sometimes we have to parent from our heads (that is hard for moms to do) so it would be great for you husband to get involved in it. Maybe
you hold the baby while he puts the kids to bed.....:)
Best of luck. I know it's hard making changes.
Let us know how it goes.

You absolutely have to change your routine now than later. First, it's not healthy on anyone in the family. Two, their way too old, and three they say their scared, so why not explain to them what "happy things" or "fun things" that you all are going to do the next day so they have something good to think about to make them fall asleep easier. To be honest, your almost making the kids lose self confidence b\c they fall asleep seeing you and they know that's how they been able to fall asleep. It's never happened on their own before so that thought alone frightens them. Think about it. Do you want to be doing that for much longer?? Yes the bonding is great but do it in a more postive way like giving them an idea to put into their head about the next few days of fun activites your going to have with them as you start this new routine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Good Luck

It definately needs to be changed. when they say they are scared, ask them what they are scared of?

the dark?-give them night lights

the quiet and creaks?- put a fan in their room (drowns out all "little" noises and creates a nice hum to fall asleep to)

being alone?-assure them you are right there...give them "walkie talkies" to call you with if they are needed...for the 1st few days it'll be a game and fun and they'll do it more than they need...but it's very reassuring for them to be able to call you on it if needed.

get radios and play lullaby music very softly...get a radio with a timer on it, and tell them to be asleep by the time the music stops

Let them move the furniture around in their rooms...maybe the bed sits in a direction where shadows are seen and it scares them...my daughter used to be petrified of the little green light on the smoke detector?!?!?!!? i know...weird isn't it...we put black electrical tape over the light and it worked out.

hope it works out

I understand where you are coming from. I have a three year old and an almost 2 year old. Our routine is very similar. I get them in jammies and brush teeth and then we snuggle in bed to read one book. However, the one thing I have learned with my kids....I tell them that they only have so many minutes and then I am going to leave. My son, the younger of the two, usually falls asleep pretty quickly, but my daughter likes to fight it. She doesn't want me to leave while she is still awake, so she has learned to settle down and go to sleep before her time is up. If it seems like she is on her way, I may extend the time...although she doesn't know this. We start pre-school in the fall, and I want to start working on going to bed once the story is read, without me. And that I will leave after the book and then wait a few minutes and check on her after a time and so on. I think my son will be much easier! Good luck...I know where you are coming from!!!

Here's just a couple ideas...Different things work for different families...

5yr. and 3 yr. old often respond well to bribes which sounds bad so I will say incentives.
Buy a fabulously new breakfast food with a great box. Maybe they can even pick it out at the store and buy a boring breakfast food like plain Cheerios.
The fabulous breakfast is for children who lay quietly in their own bed. The boring cereal is for those who throw a fit about it. Stick to it in the morning. Tell the one who doesn't get the good breakfast that you know she can do better tonight and then she can try the good breakfast tomorrow.

Let them each pick a book for their own bed. Tell them they can look at it quietly by themselves. They lose the book if they throw a fit. Give a warning first. They don't have to sleep just lay there quietly and look at their one book. They eventually fall asleep. Let them know you are just outside their doorway which is keeping them safe.

You are right that time with your hubby is important. Best Wishes for you family.

We have a similar routine (4 year old and 7 mos old) however it takes about 30 minutes. After dinner we do baths and get PJs on. Some nights my son gets to watch 20-30 minutes of a movie or we play a quiet game. Then we go to bed and either my husband or I (we ALTERNATE) read him 2 stories and then lay with him for about 10 minutes and he goes to bed.

I don't think your routine is the problem...you just need to shorten it and take turns with your husband. I find that my husband does a better (and shorter) job of getting my son to sleep.

I like the cuddle time too....

Good luck.

30 minutes is way too long for pj's and teeth. (It happens to us too sometimes.) Try telling them that because they're taking so long it is cutting into their story time or the amount of time you have to lay with them. There is no reason you shouldn't be able to get that down to 5-10 minutes. Tell them whatever time is left out of 30 minutes is reading time.

30 minutes for reading is fairly lengthy too, at least for bedtime (this is coming from a household of avid readers too.) Have one book for each child or one chapter for each child to trim down the reading time.

If they are sleeping in the same bed or even in the same room, have them turn to the other when they are scared instead of relying on you. Work the sister angle.

Also, if you're in the middle, it is probably a lot harder to get out of bed without disturbing them. Stay on the outside of the bed. Alternate which girl gets to be next to you.

It sounds like they're taking advantage of the situation (as most kids will do). Start slowly scaling back the time spent until you feel the situation is managable. But as long as you all feel that this is your special time, I wouldn't be too strict with the issue. And you may have to let them cry or whine a bit during this transition time.

It might help by bringing "daddy" into the picture too. Good luck!

Habits are hard to break... My suggestion would be to have them pick out their own nightlights and have them tell you which outlet, IN THEIR OWN ROOMS, they would like it to be placed. Start a new routine where you read in a different bed each night and when the book is done, they each go into their own room and turn on their nightlight. If you have a Dog, tell them that ghosts and bad things like that don't like Dogs so they don't come to houses that have Dogs!! Good luck!!

Along with supernanny, try reading 'the no cry sleep solution', too!

Hello C., Super Nanny has a good book out that gives an excellent bed time ritural for this age group. It will take about a week for it to actually work consistantly, but well worth the effort. Try to see if it available at the librarty or on line. Working on your marriage is the best gift that any parents can give to there children. Good luck.

Supernanny Jo Frost has good results in very similar situations when I watch her show. She has a book now, too.

If your 5 year old is going to school soon, you need to establish a routine, so she can get ready for the school schedule. I start a half hour before bed with the last "snack" call. Then we rotate through brushing teeth. I agree that bed time is for bed and read the story earlier. Separate the two. I think your older two children are working a good one over Mom about being scared. You need to talk to them and establish the routine. Stick to it!

C.
hey there it is hard to change routine and summer is the best time to make a change what i have done with all 5 of mine is we brush our teeth they get in there own bed i read a book or two then we each share one good and one bad thing that happend in our day we hug kiss then i leave the room it importain for a child to learn self comfort if they play the scared card wich all kids do ask them what they are scared of if it the typical under bed or closet thing show them that place with you right by them in the dark so they know nothing there.if it the shadow the tree make like it was for my daughter tie a rope on that brach and from her window pull the rope to make the brach move so they can see so i went on for ever good luck

I would change the routine for the reason you said, it is taking a toll on your husband. There is nothing wrong with reading to them and so forth, but most people say they need to learn to fall asleep on their own. I turn on my daughters cd player (3 years old) and she listens to classical music, I do the same with my son (11 months old). I do read/sing to my daughter every night, but it is about 20-30 minutes then the music goes on and I leave the room. We have done this since she was 2. It was a struggle at first with the crying but she got used to it. Good luck.

I use the Super Nanny techniques they work really well if you stick to the program. The key is sticking to it everynight until it works. Usually about a week. I'll worn you now the 5 year old may take longer :-( The older the child the harder it is...just stick to it!!! Remind yourself it's for your marriage as you're taking him back to bed for what seems like the 100th time.

www.supernanny.com click on the stay in bed techniques
God luck!!!

C.,
First of all, pat yourself on the back mama. Besides holding baby, what exactly does your husband do to help with the bedtime routine? In what you have describes, it sounds like hubby needs to step up a little and help out. If he doesn't want to watch TV by himself then he needs to help. Have you tried having him help the girls brush teeth and put on pajamas while you feed the baby? Then the girls will be ready for reading by the time you are finished. Regardless, you and he need to have an open and honest discussion about what doesn't work here. You need to be able to express to him why you are unwilling to change the routine. My pediatrician once told me, she has yet to hear of a child not being able to go away to college because he needs his mommy to help him go to sleep.
If you truly want to change your bedtime routine, there are many experts out there that can tell you whatever you want to hear about effecting change, but what will work will depend on your follow through and the girls temperaments. What you need to be asking yourself is, are you allowing the girls to manipulate the situation, or are they dealing with some real fear issues? As mothers, we all have our crosses to bear and you know your girls better than anybody else. Give yourself a big hug, you will find something that will work. And find time to talk to your husband.

You'd be amazed how many families have this going on! You are a very loving mom, and you're doing a good job. The only answer I know is to talk it out with the older ones and try to reach some kind of compromise & see if your husband will switch roles some/most nights. You're right - these are precious moments. My daughter has sometimes gotten her husband to do the reading part when he's around, and they let him get away with a shortened version of the routine. I'd try to do shorten it up in any case, but gently, putting it onto their being so grown up now. Day by day, you can wean them down from such a long time, maybe promising something special in the morning if they cooperate. The baby does need a whole lot more and probably that should be you most nights. I think you need to focus more on your infant. If hubby is willing, I'd try to switch roles at least most nights. They'll accept from him a shorter routine, I think, knowing he's probably not as patient as you are. Good luck!

I would change the routine now. I have had friends use the Super nanny routine and it has worked. She has a book, I would suggest checking it out from the library.
That is way too long.
I have a 7,5 and 1 yr old. It takes them abut 1 hour start to finish to get pj's on, brush teeth, drink milk, go potty , say prayers and then we kiss them goodnight.

Reading your explenation of the night I would do several things different.
I also have 3 kids 7, 3, and 1... They share a room. But have seperate beds.
We always took the road that bed time is for BED... Stories get read BEFORE bed time, then teeth brushing, jammies, and bed.
Bed means kisses all around, then walking the kids to their room (or rooms), tuck them in, kiss them and say "see you when the sun says wakey eyes"... Then out the door.
Although I know you enjoy the cuddles of your story time... Your kids need to learn how to self soothe themselves to sleep the first time.
Perhaps having hubby put them to bed would be a good way to implement a new rule. Your new schedule would look something like...
Feed the baby WHILE HUBBY READS a story...
Help Hubby with teeth brushing and jammies...
Then kiss the kids and Hubby walks them to bed, tucks each in with kisses, and out the door...
It takes me about 30 min to get all 3 of mine down for the night... Just remember, it may take a week for them to adjust. You recognize that hubby needs a bit more mommy time and that should be the motivation . After about a week or so, you can put them to bed sometimes too. But hubby may really enjoy it and the kids may ask for only him to.
Good luck ... (And with cutting an hour off the bed time routine you could be getting a bit more sleep at night!!!)

Don't be embarrassed. My husband and each layed down with our kids when they were little. We still do with our 10-year old and sometimes with our 12-year old. They can fall asleep by themselves, they have done it and they spend the night with their friends. Now, it helps that we only have 2 kids; but, the bedtime routine might go quicker if you split it up. And, there is no reason that the baby can't be part of the routine at whatever level. If one parent is bathing, another can be brushin teeth; or, you can brush in the bathtub. It could become a family time that would then maybe make the time go quicker and create alone time for you and your husband. It doesn't always go perfectly or smoothly but it helped our parenting and marriage. Good luck!
B.

Hi C., from reading your post, I get the impression that you don't want to change the routine. It will be very hard for you to commit to something if you really don't want to do it. It might be a good idea to spend some time discussing the issue with your husband, and try not to get offended, he just wants to spend cuddle time with you too. Maybe you could move the big cuddle time with the kids to some point during the day so that you don't lose out on that special time.

That being said, you might need to make a story time place, set a limit of 10 min of reading, then tuck ins, and kisses good night. The kids will protest, the crying and I am afraid, etc, is a manipulation trying to get you to stay in there longer which is really jsut a way to delay bedtime. I am going through it right now with my toddler and once you recognize what it is, it will be easier to handle. Do they do the crying and I am scared when Daddy is alone with them, if not, then you know that it isn't really a fear. But the key is for you and your husband to really decide what is best for your whole family and commit to it. Good luck.