Bedtime Anxiety in 9 Year Old

Why are you trying to ignore her very real feelings of anxiety? Can you imagine what it is like, to start to dread going to bed, since she starts in on the anxiety around 5 pm?

Have you ever had to experience that feeling, day after day?

Redecorating the room, or other problem - solving things aren't going to help.

This has been a long-standing issue with her....

Please get her the PROFESSIONAL help she needs.... maybe she needs a medication for her anxiety to get her over this problem?

Find a better therapist that you can all work with.

Poor thing.
Call and find a therapist that works with children and anxiety. She may need short term medication to get a hold of this.

Buy the book "What to do when you worry to much" by Dawn Huebner. It is an anxiety work book written for kids. Offer guidance as she works on it just like homework. Let her really explore what it teaches.

As another person mentioned, educate her about vomiting, fear, etc. make it very concrete and drama free. When she feels more educated she will feel a bit more in control and may lessen the anxiety. The more you break things down into very small and concrete steps/ concepts she will feel more incontrol.

Teach her how to meditate at bedtime.

Be patient with her :-).

Best of luck to you.

My daughter's psychologist helped her deal with fears (after a life-threatening medical trauma she experienced). He taught her (and us) about "irrational" vs "rational" fears. Example: "irrational" is the moon might fall on my head while I'm sleeping. "Rational" is I might have a bad dream or feel sick in the night or the injury/illness that I have might cause me problems in the night.

In the case of irrational fears, it's a matter of realizing that the fear isn't going to be actual. However, in the case of rational fears, it's a matter of feeling prepared, having a plan, and setting up a situation so that the problem doesn't happen (as much as possible).

When your daughter begins to pace, breathe funny, etc., that's the time to practice calm breathing that you have trained for. You can help her, or a professional can help her, to develop relaxation breathing. Basically it's breathing in through the nose, counting to five, breathing out through the mouth, counting to five, and repeat. It's lying down, placing your hands on your abdomen, breathing slowly and deeply so that your abdomen rises and falls (and not your chest). It's tensing up muscles, counting to five and relaxing them, one at a time beginning with the toes, progressing up to the shoulders. That's a pretty simple description and of course a professional can help with the specifics. It can help for another person to do the relaxation techniques with her. Be a relaxing team. Learning relaxing breathing can be a powerful tool.

And you can also ask her what will happen if she gets sick (do you mean vomit, or get a headache or stomachache?)? Is she generally afraid of being sick or throwing up or not feeling well during the day, or is it the fear that no one would hear her and not be available to help at night when everyone's asleep? Have her list her fears on paper. "I will throw up and make a mess." "I will get a bad stomachache in the night and be tired the next day." "I will be alone and no one will know I am sick." "When I feel like throwing up I am afraid that mom will get mad at me if it's 2 o'clock in the morning." "I will choke." Then you'll both know what the fear is and you can deal with it with a preparedness plan. Could you give her a bell to ring and practice ringing it in a real emergency, and you come help her? Can you role play with her?

It would be helpful to see a professional, but you'll need to do this together, because your participation, your recognition of a real fear, your appreciation for her feelings, and your helping her to be prepared will be essential to helping her.

Adding to respond to BoyMom -- Most insurance companies do NOT consider pediatricians specialists unless they are in fields like "pediatric oncology." Regular pediatricians are treated by almost all insurers as "general practitioners" and you will be charged the regular co-payment, not a higher "specialist" one!

Original reply:
First, she needs to sleep, so if she sleeps OK on the floor and not IN bed -- let her sleep on the floor in her room. Do not make it a battle. Tell her it's fine so she doesn't have a constant feeling of "They're letting me do it but they don't really like it..." She must get real rest and it is not the end of the world, or of your parental authority, to let her sleep in a place that works for her. It's just not worth a battle.

Second, she does need a pediatrician and so does your son. Please get one, pronto. CareNow--if that's some kind of urgent-care walk-in clinic, they are not pediatricians, and you need a doctor who does all kids, all the time; an urgent care doc could be a fairly new one, or one without a lot of experience, etc. and they are dealing with everything that comes in the door; you truly need doctors who treat children all the time and understand kids' minds as well as their bodies. The entire metropolitan area in DFW just cannot lack ANY pediatrician that is OK. And the person to base your choice on is the doctor, not the receptionist -- a lovely, sweet receptionist is nice but not essential.

I would take her anxiety seriously. I have a girl who is 13 and has some anxiety (around school, not about sleeping) and I know that part of helping the child is acknowledging that there IS anxiety and not brushing it aside, not assuming she's faking it or "playing you," and never, ever belitting her ("You need to stop this silliness!"). Not saying you're doing those things yourself, but it is troubling that your husband sounds unsupportive; you need to talk with him about both of you taking it seriously and watching how you speak to her about it, so he does not go off on a "You're being a baby" tangent or anything like that. It's easy to do that in a moment of frustration! I know, I've been there. But the kid remembers it for ages afterward.

Yes, get her to see a counselor because this sounds beyond mere "I threw up once and now fear I might do it again" fear. Many, many kids go through this fear -- "I threw up in the car and now when I get in the car I'm sure I will again," or "I threw up when I ate a banana and now if I even smell it I know I'll do it again." Common, but most kids get past it eventually. It sounds like there are other, deeper fears about sleep and possibly nighttime, darkness, being alone, etc. going on here.

Please do not let your past bad experience with a psychologist make you avoid getting her some needed help. It sounds like your last one was a quack if he or she did not have your son talk about WHY he wasn't going to bed and just had him repeat a dumb phrase. Not all psychologists or counselors are like that, just as not all pediatricians are expensive, have mean receptionists or lack your insurance. Please be proactive about getting her help, or the anxiety may "generalize" and she could start to transfer her anxiety to other things -- like school, and that can be very problematic.

A pediatrician could give you a list of possible counselors and child psychologists to start with but you need a pediatrician first. And when she sees one, please be clear that this is NOT just about a "power struggle over bedtime." There really seems to be more going on here and if you focus too much just on "We need her to go to bed in her own bed" as the sole goal -- you may be missing a larger issue.

Has she ever seen her school counselor? School is nearly over here and already over in some places but you can still call the office and ask whether the counselor for her grade level can see you in these coming weeks (alone first, not with your child, so you can be really frank and so can the counselor without your child present). Then the counselor should be able to give you directions to find counselors in your area too.

Her anxiety is real. She is not making it up to get attention.Check with your insurance company to see if you have Mental Health benefits and look for a child psychiatrist who deals with anxiety. One of my daughters suffers from social anxiety and ocd - it took us a long time to realize she could not "just" stop doing the things she was doing. If she needed glasses you would not tell her "just squint harder" but you would get her glasses. You cannot tell her "just go to sleep", she needs professional help. For now if she is able to sleep in your or her brother's room I would make her a bed in either room and let her sleep there. Not sleeping will make it harder for all of you to deal with this. But you need professional help, and your husband needs to understand that anxiety is real, not an act. This may be a long journey, so get the best guide you can find.
PS: my daughter had the nausea/vomiting worries and after therapy realized it really is just her anxiety not any medical issue (we did test to rule out lactose intolerance, celiac, crohn's disease, etc. it wasn't any of those).

Angie Glancy is a wonderful therapist in Colleyville and she specializes in children with anxiety. She is with Family Connections which is next to Colleyville Heritage High School.

Mean receptionists? Do you also have some anxieties?

I have never let a curt or " mean receptionist" stop me. Instead I have learned to overlook people like that and move on with my life.

Your daughter and you need to see a professional so that the 2 of you will know what she is dealing with.

Sure you can continue as you are, but why? When we break a leg we go and get help. Your daughter, EVERY night. "she still fights sleeping in her bed/room. If she sleeps in her room, she sleeps on the floor. Many nights she wakes up and comes to my room to sleep on the floor.
Symptoms- she starts thinking about bedtime around 5, she gets butterflies in her stomach. Closer to bedtime, she begins breathing "funny", scrunches up her face in order to try to control her breathing, she paces in her room, sometimes in the room she is sleeping in. She has even mentioned that she feels like she needs to burp."

MOM, this is not normal or healthy for your daughter to continue like this. There is help. Become her advocate and get past your feelings and find help for her. Let her know she does not need to live like this. Especially since it is summer and time to start finding a solution, so in the fall this is not a continuing issue.

I would try paying no attention to this. I suggest to read to her since she does go asleep then. Just do it while aacknowledging the fear but not spending much yike on it. Don't respond to her fesr except to recognize the fear In a briefnway. Just start an every night plan to read. I suggest once her fear is acknowleged is acknowledgednws real real she will get past this. When you focus on her fear the fear is reinforced. It could be that unconsciously she needs to convince you that she really needs something. I suggest that she needs more attention and reassurance that you will be with her. I believe that when kids take on uunreasonable fears they are really asking for help. To aid that take her fears seriously while downplaying them in a compassionate way. "I know you are afraid. I also know you can lose this fear with a bit of help from me. How about I read to you at night until you feel better." Then acknowledge her fear when she mentions it by saying " you are afraid." Then move on to another topic. Don't focus or dwell on it.

I think you got some great answers, and I completely agree that your poor daughter is not making this up, but has real anxiety issues.

Forcing her probably provokes the issues so if possible, just let it go for awhile. Pitch a tent in her room or another room and let her sleep in a sleeping bag. Let her sleep on the couch. Who cares, as long as she's sleeping.

After she stops hyperventilating at the thought of bedtime, maybe revisit ways of making her room more sleep-friendly. She doesn't like her bed? Get rid of the bed and do a futon on the floor. And if a break from the pressure doesn't significantly help her, she will likely need to talk to someone professional about her anxiety.

You already got a lot of good advice, so I just wanted to respond to the comment BoyMom made about insurance and Pediatricians.

Most Peds are not specialists, nor do insurance companies consider them such. They are Primary Care Physicians for children. My kids' Ped is no more costly than my husband's GP or my NP.

Now that said, some Peds are also Specialists, but you'd probably be aware of it if you were looking for one that specializes in something. The Ped you see for regular appointments and well-visits would likely not be the specializing type.

My first thought is that if just letting her sleep in her brother's room or on the floor in any room, why on earth would you not just let her sleep wherever she wants as long as she's sleeping. At your old house she didn't want to sleep alone. At the new house she doesn't want to sleep alone. She does just fine sleeping at a friend's house, your parent's house, a camping trip. I'm guessing she does not sleep alone on any of these trips. Sounds like she simply does not like sleeping alone.

If you are really that uncomfortable with her sleeping (not changing close, just sleeping) in the same room as a 12 year old brother (which I really don't think is a big deal at all), and she is happy sleeping on the floor of her own room, let her. Why do you care if she's on the floor or in her bed as long as she (and everyone else in the house) sleeps?

It is quite possible that your daughter does have an anxiety issue that needs to be addressed. In that case, you really do need to find a psychologist or psychiatrist that works with children. You don't need to have a pediatrician. A general practitioner can refer her as well. It doesn't sound like your son had the best experience, but don't let one not so great experience convince you that good psychologists and psychiatrists don't exist. Call your doctor today.

She may need a bedtime med to help her sleep or an antianxiety med.

Please go see a psychiatrist that deals with children in their practice. Call your insurance to find out who takes it so you don't have to call every single one of them and ask them. Sometimes the office staff don't even know for sure but will say yes. If your insurance person says that office takes it...chances are they do... A pediatrician isn't really equipped to treat a mental health issue and this is certainly that.

We give our guy 1/2 a Clonadine about 8pm. It helps him relax and doze off. It's not a "knock him out" sort of drug.

Everybody barfs at some time or another.
It's reverse peristalsis (esophagus muscles usually coordinate to move food down to your stomach but sometimes when it's needed they'll go the other way and then vomit happens).
No one likes it, but it's usually a brief unpleasantness, then we rinse out our mouths and try our best to forget about it.
She's fixating on the unpleasantness of throwing up and associating it with where it happened.
In the short term you could have her switch rooms with her brother.
But you might do better to explore all the aspects of throwing up (study it) with her so she is more knowledgeable about what it is, why it happens, why we're all glad it doesn't happen often but it does happen to everyone every now and then but it's nothing to worry about nor should we fear that being in the place where it happened before will make it happen again (amusement parks aside).

Switch rooms with her brother.

I looked up your concerns and found this website:

http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anx...

I see that someone has suggested a specific person to help. That sounds like a good option.

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Poor kid! She's having a rough time for some reason.

I think what impacted me the most is how early she begins to dread going to bed. Even if her bedtime is 7 pm (though it could even be later), then that's at least two hours of anxiety about going into the room. That's a long time.

She's having gastro problems, with the burping and possibly the vomiting. Do kids get GURD? It is surprising that only her sleep is being impacted with gastro problems. Whether her thinking is causing the stress and therefore the gastro problems, or whether the gastro problems were there first, well, who knows (though I'd bet on the mind and her thinking).

I'd keep a journal of what is happening physically, mentally, etc. She reacts to stimulus powerfully and through her body. For all you know, sleeping is just one aspect of this. How is she doing in school? See if you can get her to keep her own journal. What does she eat for dinner? What activities is she doing?

What is she "saying" to herself as she lays in her bed waiting to sleep? Get her to say the exact phrasing that she is thinking and then it needs to be replaced with new thinking (perhaps a therapist needs to do this).

Have you slept in her room to see how it is? Is it pleasant to be in the room at night? Maybe you would be uncomfortable in it for some reason as well.

Does she spend time in her room during the day or not? Maybe play some games in there with her. Again, do you like being in the room?

I would observe and listen carefully to your daughter. I understand your reluctance to finding a counselor or therapist if you have had poor experiences in the past, but I would keep trying until you find one. I have a feeling that this is beyond her sleeping issue, and you will need to continue for a while with a skilled person.The issue may be acute when it is bedtime, but the issue is always there.

Has she suffered some sort of emotional or physical trauma during the night in your home?

Best wishes.

Hi, my 10 year old daughter has to have a set routine and will say Goodnight to us more than 4 or 5 times each night. She also waits till she is in bed to ask for milk even if I offer it earlier. Years ago she shared a room with my middle daughter who is now 6 yet they fight a lot and my 6 yr. old wanted her own room until our youngest daughter was born and now they are together, Anyway my almost 10 yr. old is on the anxious side and a few times a week will have a nightmare and come to our bed. So its easier not to argue at night and we go through the same routine at night, its only with us as well. She went camping and was fine and even attended a sleep over and was fine. At home she needs a night light, a teddy bear and to keep door open and when she comes to our bed we let her.Some nights I read with her. I'm in the mental health field and part of me thinks its thinking she is just being controlling and demanding extra attention and also know that is a "real fear." I think I would get her therapy if it was a night terror issue. My mom says I was very similar and outgrew this by age 12. Plus my daughter had separation anxiety when my husband deployed one year and I know its a bit related, Its not easy just hang in there. Not sure if you have tried playing music for her, maybe a bell when she gets scared she can ring and there are books you can get for her about girls that are fearful and anxiety if she likes to read or breathing or visual relaxation exercise she can do. This age is a struggle between wanting to be grown and still wanting to be little. I also gave my daughter the option of my oldest to share a room with my toddler and she said no I am not a baby yet she is my oldest and gives me more issues than the other two. My husband says the same thing yours say yet I tend to give in and also remind my daughter that she is getting older and has to try cause one day I will need her to be in charge and get up on her own, walk to the school bus etc. Its not easy so hang in there, your not alone, I still hear of kids that are 12 and sleep with their parents. Hope this helps. Also I let me daughter pick out her bedding sheets etc. Best of Luck and also Counseling is more helpful than not. If your gut says the Counselor is not good trust it and get another one that works with children her age and focuses on anxiety.

My eight year old has a grat deal of anxiety. She sees a counselor who she really likes-she says she likes the way her counselor explains things. Her counselor has recommended seeing the psychiatrist. She says that many times the dr will prescribe a sleeping aid and it will solve a lot of other issues.
We have a great deal of baby mama drama from her bio mom, so I KNOW where a lot of her anxiety/neediness comes from. I acknowledge her fears, but still keep plugging along and expect her to sleep/stay in her room.
I say try counseling-it sounds like the one your son had was horrible-but I'm sure you won't find anything that bad again.

Just one little tidbit of information: unless your children have continued medical issues, you may not actually need a pediatrician. The insurance companies actually consider pediatricians Specialists, therefor you are paying the higher specialist co-pay. A General Practitioner will give you a lower co-pay. Also, I live in the Dallas area as well and know that many neighborhoods have Facebook pages dedicated to sharing resources with their neighbors. I see a lot of posts on mine regarding referrals for physicians. People are really honest about why they do or do not like specific docs. Good luck with your daughter. I feel for you all. Anxiety is not fun.