Bed Time Issues

I used to employ "behavior charts" and rewards with my daughter with success. I don't think they should be used long-term to control behavior (which ideally becomes internalized as a child matures), but they are great for breaking patterns and habits.

It worked best to chart the behavior over at least 5-7 days to get an "average," but you may already have a good idea of how many times/night your kidlet pops up. Talk to her (NOT at bedtime) about how and why this habit is bad for all of you, and that you and she would do better if she stayed in bed at bedtime.

Show her a chart which you will mark every time she gets up, and that if she gets up only X times (half her current number) for two nights, she'll get stickers (or coupons or tokens) that are worth a special reward.

Rewards will work best if she gets to help choose (small toy, special event, time with mommy, extra bedtime story, food treat), and if the first reward or two are easily within reach. Set that bar low to start. Remind her occasionally during the day about this interesting new opportunity she has to earn a reward. Don't be dramatic or excited, just cheerful and positive.

After she gets the first reward, increase requirements for the next cycle by reducing the permitted pop-ups to one, and/or increasing the days till next reward by one or two. When she succeeds, she gets the reward and your appreciation.

If she fails/loses interest, you've set the requirements too high. So don't rush the process, because once a child gets discouraged, it may be harder to get her engaged again in the chart. Kids that age aren't good at planning ahead or setting long-range goals.

I never had to use more than three charting cycles on any behavior to get a new pattern established with my daughter. My grandboy, the same age as your daughter, also responds wonderfully within a couple of cycles.

Using a reward chart can dramatically speed your daughter through this common phase. Even without charting, if you are persistent and patient about directing her back to bed, your daughter will probably move past this behavior in a few weeks/months.

One other thing I would try would be to make a list of reasons it's okay to get up (gives her a sense of control), and a list of not-good-enough reasons. You can incorporate humor if you wish. Is "pillow turned into an ice cube" a good or bad reason? Good, yep, but it's not going to happen, is it? How about "a hundred kittens bouncing on your bed?" Review the lists at bedtime until the behavior fades. Discuss the serious reasons, then add a goofy one each night.

Sometimes kids need less sleep (remember this time fondly as you try to get her up in junior high ;) ). And some people, even in the same family, are genetically disposed to less sleep (lots of studies in the last few years suggest).

My mom swears I used to, when I was 4 and 5, get up at 5:30 or 6 AM naturally (being quite the opposite of a morning person, I wouldn't believe her except for the incredibly pained look she wears while telling the memory ... she is a morning person, but I gather she was getting so little sleep when we were babies that she wanted to 'sleep in' until 7) ... soon after followed by a gradeschool career filled with insomnia and tardy arrival to school ... I'd say, if she's happy and healthy and dealing well with school, don't stress about amount of sleep. (I now sleep about an average of five hours a night, maybe seven on a good week ... I'd like to get seven, but that's a few years out I suspect ;) ... I do pretty well, and sleeping 8 or 9 just makes me sloth-like.)

That said, keeping her quietly in bed may be a matter of finding the right activity. One of my kids at two needed those little stacking-cups. He would stack and unstack them, first in the light and then by feel in the dark, for about half an hour until he fell into sleep. My oldest I am glad can read now, because reading helps focus her mind (although I have to make sure she *stops* reading). Another needs at least one snuggly but imagine-worthy doll to "talk" to or pretend about (I make her do it in her head) and go to sleep with. My youngest currently needs his two Matchbox-car-sized Transformers, which he plays with on his tummy and then goes to sleep with one in each hand.

All of these things, now that I type them, require both hands, which reflects interestingly on the next thing I was going to say, because using both hands together in the center of the body-line for a task is one way to activate cross-brain processing (and neural growth) ...

What I was going to say, is that another interesting trick I recently learned is that if you are lying on your back, you keep both hemispheres of your brain equally engaged and tend to keep yourself awake-thinking, but if you roll to one side, you unengage them. (Presumably giving one side precedence over the other--I noticed when I was about 8 that sleeping on my left side produced a different type of dream than sleeping on my right did.) I know lots of people who have learned "roll over on one side and go to sleep" as advice (or at least as a cliche from dissatisfied modern novels ;) ) ... but it was nice to have an explanation for why it works ;).

What a pain! I'm sorry you are going through bedtime troubles. We're having some of our own with our twin boys who aren't yet three. But I do have a suggestion for you that worked with our daughter when she was about four. I worked with her to make a list of all the possible things she might need while trying to go to sleep. Then it was her job (with my guidance) to go through that checklist before I left the room. It was made clear that we wouldn't be coming back in and she wasn't to leave the room. (I think at one point we told her we'd come back in one time only). We even have a little potty training potty in her room so if she has to pee, she doesn't have to leave her room. I don't know that she actually went to sleep earlier but she didn't bother us for hours after bedtime. AS far as the amount of sleep, I don't know but I have the same impression you do that she needs more sleep than 8 hours. Maybe if she isn't spending her time/energy getting out of bed, she'll end up going to sleep sooner and still sleep in to the same time. Good luck! Sleep can be such a tricky issue.

I wish I had some fix all advice for you - my 4 y.o. daughter is exactly like this and has been for as long as I can remember. The more tired she gets the more brave and naughty she becomes too - altho I havent caught her watching TV yet, but there are some nights where she is still kicking aroun at 11. I feel your pain.
We have always had a consistent routine - always since the time she was newborn - I think its just her, here is what we do that keeps it to a min.
1 - we give her a special toy after book is read and tell her she can play with it in bed, but as soon as she gets out its mine until tomorrow.
2 - she has a doodlepad that she draws on - I think it keeps her mind and hands busy, plus she can do it while lying down and sometimes falls asleep with it.
3 - when we walk her back to bed - we say - this is the last time for xxx (pee, more water, hugging the dog) - then if she tries to do it again we find a consequence.

Good luck! Hang in there - hope it gets better for you!

Hi A.,

I am a Parent Coach and a Certified Professional Nanny, I’ve often worked with children having sleep trouble. I have a few answers for you. First, yes your child needs to sleep longer. As you probably know, during sleep your child is regenerating their body, they are also processing the information they received during the day. A lack of proper sleep can cause behavioral problems, health problems and studies have shown a lack of sleep can lead to obesity later in life. Even though she is currently showing signs of not needing additional sleep, I believe this is a short term and she will start showing issues of being tired soon.

Now what to do, creating consistence during bedtime is very important. Even though it will be very hard for the next week or so, keep the bedtime schedule as is. If your child gets out of her room follow the steps below.

After hugs and kisses it’s lights out. If she leaves to room:

1) Direct her back to her room either by picking her up or leading her to the room.
2) State “It’s bedtime, no more playtime, hugs and kisses will be given in the morning”
3) If she talks to you, restate the above/similar statement. Do not acknowledge her requests. “It’s bedtime, no more playtime, hugs and kisses will be given in the morning”
When you remove conversation you are also removing one reason she wants out of her room, socialization.

If your daughter reacts well to rewards/sticker charts, you can use this system along with the above suggestion to encourage good bedtime behavior.

The key is consistence and enforcement of the bedtime rules. There will be screaming and crying (on both sides), but in the end, this is a health issue for your child.

Good luck!

R.
R. Magby
Parent Coach
Everything Baby, LLC
www.everythingbabyllc.com

I like the advice the others gave as I have these same issues with our 3y old daughter. I just wanted to say thank you for these ideas! I am going to use them. I also forwarded this info on to a friend whose son keeps getting out of his bed.

My son was a "nightowl" who's preferred time to go to sleep was between 10 and 12 pm. In grade school it just wasn't possible for him to do this. One time he came to me and told me he couldn't sleep, I think he was eight. (our bedtime was 8:00). I told him that I knew he could go to sleep but because he was only eight and school started so early and he had to be up at six thirty in order to be on time, he need to be in bed.

So I told him he could do any thing he wanted to do as long as he was horizontal in bed. (And he knew what horizontal meant.)

At that point in time he was a non reader. Also Star Wars the Movie, was big time and he was totally into it. Big imagination. So we got him a night light.

He taught himself to read. And he made something like 320 chapters in a Star Wars sequel.

I tell you this because maybe you can negotiate something with her. Tell her she may not be tired, but she needs to be in bed. So what can she do in bed.....

Don't know if this will work for you, but it worked for my 4-year-old son. I got him a "Moon In My Room" - made by National Geographic. I bought it in the toy section of Target. Anyway, it's a moon that you hang on the wall. It has a remote so it's in your control. We use it for a night light, but it shuts off after 30 minutes of no buttons being pushed on the remote. I turn it on when I leave the room. I tell him that he needs to be asleep by the time it shuts off. If he calls me in or makes noise (playing), I turn the moon off, which he doesn't like to have happen. It has kept him in bed and has stopped the "I need a drink" routine.