First, congratulations on the opportunity to be a SAHM! Financially, pay yourself 1st. Invest in your retirement 1st, then kids' college funds, etc.... if your budget provides for it. Reason: no one will take care of you but you. So invest in your retirement, then pay your committed expenses, & then enjoy your discretionary allowance. You learn to live with what you have after you've invested & paid off your bills. Projections needed for retirement are $3-4 million, factoring what you need to live on, how well do you want to live, health care insurance & expenses, & rising cost of living. If you don't pay yourself first, you may need to work until you're of Medicare age. And even then, it may not be pretty. If Congress finally passes the bill to approve the Medicare eligibility to 72 (has been up for vote every year for the past decade), you'll need to consider your financial future. If you don't have a financial advisor, interview hard & go with the one that is heading in the direction you want to go & also believes in your dreams. For example, why would I invest with someone who doesn't believe I can retire 15 years before I'm of Medicare age? At lunch break... will send more later...
Back again... Emotionally, take care of yourself 1st. Happy parents make happy children, no matter if you work or are a SAHM. I've had the good fortune of working PT: 18 hrs./wk for 3.5 yrs., somewhat a SAHM working 3-4 hrs. at night 3x/wk for 2 yrs., & now 25-35 hrs./wk for the last 2 yrs. And before we had kids, I watched a SAHM state she was fulfilled but hated it! She took out her frustrations re: her husband's lack of support with chores/child rearing, & lack of appreciation out on her daughter. The child suffered the most. So I promised myself that I would find what worked for me & our family. Mommy groups are great! But be warned, you won't be best friends with everyone in the group... NO surprise, much like your previous work life. Some of the best advice we've gotten or researched or found out on our own:
- Take care of yourself 1st. If you don't, you won't be able to care for others as well as you'd like.
- Your marriage is more important than your children. This one is hard. But once children leave, what will you have? Just a roommate or a best friend?
- If your children witness a good marriage, they will see that as the norm. No yelling in front of the children. It gives children the feeling of instability & they blame themselves for the problem. Let children witness good conflict resolution skills between you & your spouse.
- BE FAIR & CONSISTENT! Children are like compulsive gamblers. If they know that they can get away with something 3 out of 10 times, they're still succeeding 30% of the time. Consequence/punishment should be immediate after poor behavior. Set boundaries so your child knows what is acceptable behavior.
- Punish the behavior not the character of your child.
- Avoid raising your voice. Train your child to respond to discipline from a calm demeanor. If your raise your voice often, they won't respond to you when you're calm. Then you'll have to continue to raise the volume in your house just so your child will listen to your requests. You're escalating the situation when you raise your voice in disciplining poor behavior. It won't calm your son & the stress for both of you cycles. We raise our voices when safety is compromised (i.e. Don't run into the street!).
- Time outs work if you're consistent. We give time outs anywhere. No time out chair... they get time outs at grocery stores for tantrums, in parking lots for avoiding getting into car seats, etc. Time is 1 minute for every year of his/her age. And there's no horsing around in a time out. Make it the most boring event ever. Our older one sits, hands on lap, facing wall. The younger one stands, hands at side, facing wall. She's the tougher one. Then review why he/she got the time out & end with I love you. For example: Do you know why you got a time out? (You'd be surprised what they say. Then clarify or repeat why they received a time out.) You got a time out because Mommy asked you nicely to get in your car seat & you threw a tantrum. We need to put on our seatbelts to stay safe. And I want you to be safe because I love you. And once they get older, you can reason with them more. For example, you leave it up to them to choose the better behavior or consistently get a time out. It's up to them. But make sure the choices you give them are ones you want - time outs for poor behavior or rewards for good behavior. So after implementing clear boundaries that are fair & consistent, we have well-behaved, nice kids that feel good about themselves & rarely need discipline.
- Children model what they see. If you want them to respond to you calmly, you need to respond to them in that manner. Infants & toddlers have little self control, but they learn what they witness. You choose either to escalate or de-escalate the situation.
- Children mimic the same sexed parent the most the first 7 years. So make sure your husband treats you well. If you want your son to be a good man, you'll need a good husband that supports you. If you do most or all the chores, have your husband show appreciation. If you have a daughter in the future, show self-acceptance & self-love. Mothers vaccinate their daughters from low self-esteem through self-love & self-acceptance. - Virginia Wolfe
- Once you find a routine that works, try to have your son sleep in the pack-and-play or guest bed at friends' homes so you can have real adult time without always getting a babysitter. Children are resilient. They can sleep elsewhere or get transferred into the car later in the evening. Our children were able to do this at ~2+ yrs. old. Our children sleep nearly at the same time every night. So whether we're at friends' homes or hosting people on our deck with the monitor on, the kids don't miss a beat. Yes, they get excited. But we reward them the next day for timely bed time or on the rare ocassion give them a time out.
- Have dates with your husband, even at home with your child elsewhere. :)
- Have time with your friends without children &/or husband. You'll need that too.
- Designate family fun night 1x/wk. Ours is on Friday. And friends can still come over after the children are asleep. If you have to move it, just make it up another night. But deliver on your promises.
- If things are getting crazy, give yourself a time out. I've walked upstairs & laid on the bed for 5 minutes when I thought I couldn't take it anymore. Re-group & move on. And do this as many times as you need.
- In times when you can't calm your son down, just tell yourself you can hold out longer than he can. I give myself 5 minutes. And if the 5 minutes are up, I lie to myself to go another 5 minutes. Again, you're escalating the situation if you don't respond well to a stressful event.
- Build in buffers for times of stress, i.e. husband traveling, family/friends visiting, financial concerns, etc. For example, family/friends come over when spouse travels, go out to lunch with a friend, schedule a massage, etc....
- Don't worry about the Jones'. Shop for discounts & buy what you need, even if you go back to work PT or FT. Kids grow fast. So why pay full price &/or buy 2 dozen of the same things. And don't feel guilty about getting something on consignment or at garage sales. The money you save will finance your retirement, your vacations, your dates, your sanity, etc. Don't buy just because it's on sale. Don't worry if you don't have the nicest TV or furniture. Worry about the future you won't have because you blew the money on something you really didn't need. Aim for financial freedom, you just have to plan it. It's attainable, be creative about when & where to spend the money.
- Assess your committed expenses & see if you can shave on the cable, cell phone, BGE bill, gas usage, gym membership, etc. For example, use flourescent lights throughout your home. Turn off lights in unused areas. Run laundry & dishwasher off peak hours if you can. Better insulate your home. Adjust thermostat when you're not in your house. Close curtains/blinds in areas when you don't need the sunlight. Turn off the TV when no one is watching. Hold onto your cars as long as you can. Research the hybrid before you buy it; it costs $15K to replace the battery after 7 yrs.! Plan events around meal time &/or pack meals/snacks if you can. Watch your "latte factor." Then you won't feel so bad when you blow $400 on your date night, take a weekend vacation with the ladies, or buy Britax car seats for all your children & all your cars.
- If you can, get to a point where you plan your finances one month ahead of time. It might take a few months to save up d/t the change in cash flow. That way, there won't be any surprises & you don't spend what you won't have. If you're a consistent comsumer, it won't be hard to figure out where you'll be one month from now.
- Children who have everything value nothing. Spoil them with your time & your love, not material things. A landmark study that tracked children for a 20 yr. span ages 3-18 showed that children remembered the little things & just wanted time with their parents. They didn't remember Disney World as much as bed time reading with Dad or going to the grocery store with Mom. And all of them said they just wanted more quality time. Children are over-scheduled now-a-days.
- Children in juvenile detention facilities come from the severely neglected & from the severely spoiled families. And these kids come equally from both spectrums. The statistics don't lie.
- SAHM's spend only 5 hrs. more quality time with their children than FT working moms. So do chores at nap time or when they're asleep. Do a little at a time & get help from your spouse. And have your son help a bit too. My moto: if you're part of a family, everyone helps. It frees up time for more quality time. And your house doesn't have to be perfect... but the dirty little secret is that organization is really efficient. Find a balance that works for you.
- Listen to people's advice, let it swirl in your head, sit on it, try it if you like, & if doesn't work, don't sweat it.
- Do what works for you & your family. And if it's not working, change it.
Sorry it was so long. Hope that helps. :)