Be a Better Wife

I don't know you so I can't speak to what the real issues actually are BUT if you asked for Roma tomatoes and the store was out, what not call you? I would call you. Tell you what they do have. This is a guy thing. If he is helping out it should be with the same effort you would give. Example: ask Dh to pick up something at store. Comes home without it. Oh. They did not have it. I say, really? How odd. Did you ask? Blank look. The most amazing thing. I asked at store the next day and voilà! They had it. The item had been moved. Guess who I don't ask to grab stuff at the store anymore?? I guess food shopping escapes the skill set of some men. I'm just saying, I would have called and ASKED my dh before I left store. Oh well. Mars v Venus.

Please know that you are not alone!
I could have written this post. I am the same way. Husband and I just celebrated 16 years last week and you would think I would know that he is going to mess up a list but I am still baffled after all this time...sometimes I cut him some slack and tell myself to relax and sometimes I throw a complete fit, full on 'Veruca-Salt-Style'...I am ashamed to admit! I find that when I get upset I am always wondering why after all these years does he not know that I like X not Y?? And it straight pisses me off!

For me, my light-bulb-moment was when husband told me one day that he is almost afraid to do something b/c he knows that I will criticize his choices...which sadly is/was true. So I have really been trying to pick my battles! And when something is *really* important to me, I will let him know ahead of time and let him know exactly what I will take as a substitution if he can not do/get/find what I am asking for. This has helped. What has helped more is me LETTING GO and for me to stop being such a brat all the time!

I think that you are on the right track b/c you are aware of the situation and are trying to rectify it.

~FWIW: I am NOT an only child, I have 1 sister...so I can not blame my control issues on being an only child!

First, be proud that you came to this realization. I find myself being the same way sometimes. Thank you for opening my eyes.

I sometimes think women spend too much time worrying how to compromise themselves to conform to others ideals.
You see articles in magazines and online about how we change for men, win their approval, make them happy, entice them in bed, bend over backward while whistling Dixie.
Where are the men who worry about becoming better husbands?
Is your husband actually unhappy or are you just annoyed at yourself and feel you are ready for some self improvement/development?
Most of the time, a guy marries a woman and hopes she never changes - and she usually does.
A woman will marry a man hoping to change him, and he seldom does.
He knew who you were when he married you.
There's a certain type of guy who likes a woman who can manage and run things.
It's very freeing for the man.
What you are talking about is you becoming less controlling which means letting go a bit of control.
It may not be a bad thing.
As long as your husband wishes to take that control - he may not.
It might be part of what makes him so easy going - and HE might not want to change.
Easily annoyed/irritated can be a sign of depression.
You might want to start with a checkup and a talk with your doctor.
And there's nothing about being an only child that makes you bossy and non compromising.
Avoid labeling yourself.
You can fall into a mea culpa trap - you feel everything is all your fault.
You do not exist in a vacuum - you and your husband form a dynamic - you work off and relate to each other - you both push each others buttons.

I don't think that is an only child issue, I know people with plenty of sibs that are the same way and only children who are very laid back.

Have you tried just picking your battles. Like say you don't give a hoot about peanut butter beyond it must be crunchy say crunchy peanut butter and be happy with what comes home. If there is a hair cut that is just no! I will no longer find you sexually attractive without closing my eyes and remembering you when, then say please not that cut, I thought you looked so sexy with this cut.

I think in part it is picking your battles and part framing your requests.

Oh yeah, I am not one to diagnose anyone but you may want to look into whether you have OCD tendencies.

I mean, I get the thing about picking your battles, as Jo said below and that may be the best course to take to keep the peace. But if you're asking him to buy specific brands and he doesn't do it? What is his reasoning? What if he were to do the same thing at work? Boss asks him to do something one way and he disregards the direction and does it his way? I'm just curious if this is the way he is across the board, or just with you.

The fact that you recognize it and are talking about it is a lot better than most. Everyone has their issues, but it's the ones who don't recognize it or don't care who have the biggest problem in life. I've been with my husband for 25 years, and I used to have high expectations from him and tell him when he upset me. I've learned to let a lot of things go, as has he. I remember my grandmother telling me that it's important to choose your battles -- not everything is worth bringing up. I am pretty controlling still with my kids because I know I'm supposed to teach them and responsible for their behavior, but I'm never quite sure how I'm supposed to do that and the easiest way when I'm stressed or hurried is just to yell and force. So that's my issue. I recognize it, but I don't always work hard to fix it like I should. So kudos to you for identifying it and wanting to fix it.

Go to a bookstore and look over the self help section. Look for books on being a control freak and see which ones speak to you and your issues. Buy those books or see if the library has them and start reading. You are not going to change over night, change takes time. But understanding that there may be a problem is the first step in the right direction.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I'm not sure if being an only child is to blame, I am the youngest of 3 and I have many of the same issues you have. I'm somewhat of a control freak and it drives my husband crazy. My home life wasn't perfect growing up either so I think we can blame that more than being an only child or youngest child.

It still takes some discipline for me to refrain from criticizing every little thing that doesn't go my way, however my husband doesn't put up with it for long. He gets in a very bad mood if he feels like I'm nit picking at him continually. So that helps me to think before i speak I guess. I'm slowly learning to let some little things go. Can't guarantee them all, but I'm trying! Lol

Good for you... you are self reflecting and REALIZE you are not easy. And realize how hard it must be and IS... upon your Husband.
Thankfully he is easy going.
But well you both had an argument yesterday, because of how you are.

But on a day to day basis... everyday being treated like that, one day it is going to, blow up. And or go to a place of no return. Meaning at some point, everyone is human and anyone would just get completely fed up, with being treated like that. Then they will give up, leave, or just shut down and no longer want to interact or they will just have no closeness to the other person anymore.

So, maybe if you think about it that way, being in your Husband's shoes... maybe it will help you empathize with him and how it must feel being on his end of it... and help you be more tolerant or patient.

As a Mom I try to teach our own kids: everyone is different and there are MANY different ways of doing things. Each person, is themselves... and they are not robots. People, are human.

You know you are a control freak, and maybe OCD or not. And you know you have a hard time accepting others (your husband especially because he is the closest person to you and easily targeted), and you know you have to control EVERYTHING.
So good... you know that.
So now is the next step: how to help yourself.
So, to help yourself, get some Therapy if you cannot do it yourself.

I know a couple, that has an only child. They themselves, as parents... are VERY VERY domineering and controlling. Everyone, seeing their daughter grow up, felt so bad for her. Because, everyone knows how controlling this couple is. AND now that their daughter is a Teenager... their daughter is really rebelling in a HUGE way. Huge. And so now, they have gone in the opposite direction with her... meaning, they now let her do ANYTHING she wants, because... they don't want her to runaway from home, if they tell her no. They know, their child is fed up with them. But now, they do not know how... to operate in a middle range. They only know... extremes. Controlling or total no rules, with their child.
Their daughter, is a bit messed up. Everyone can see that. Its sad.

You have a marriage. You know what you have to work on personally. EVERYONE has self improvement to do. So, good for you.
I would... talk really humbly with your Husband... TELL him you realize how you are. Tell him, you are trying NOW... to improve yourself because you don't want to hurt him anymore.
Then begin... on your new and improved version of yourself.

Parent or Spouse... it can be a dictatorship or a partnership and a team, with your family members.
It is also a matter of emotional and mental health. And for the general happiness... of the couple.
If you think of it that way... maybe it will bring more tolerance to your views.

Do anything you can, that is healthy, to improve your outlook and expectations.
And you are.... and that is good.
One step at a time.... and keep going.

I have a sibling, like how your describe yourself.
And gosh, this sibling has had, ALL her life... a hard time with any and all relationships. Because, she is so, controlling.
No one, wanted to be around her. Perfectionistic. Really not easy.
But so, one day she got therapy for herself... and basically, she is happier with herself NOW... so that she is not needing to, control everyone and everything in her life.

I don't think you should label yourself with some only child syndrome.

Our 17 yr old is an only child and well adjusted.

You describe 2 partners on a marriage with 2 personalities, one bordering on OCD.

My hubby and I are opposite. He's Mr.Anal on everything and I am more easy going, although I like order, but not to the extent he does.

Good for you for seeing this difference. Appreciate your hubby for trying to be your partner, help with groceries, etc.

Pick your battles!!!! Many are not worth the fight, as in a name brand if food?? Really?

Hang in there and kudos for trying to be a better partner!

First of all, I usually appreciate 8kidsdad's responses, but this one--- huh? I am one of four kids and I have many of the same issues as you, and I see others who mention that, so I don't think it's an only child issue.

As I said, I do feel like you do a lot of the time. My I like to control things, and my husband just does not seem to appreciate this! :-)

What I have learned to do is know in advance what I will or won't do and what to expect. I know if I'm super picky about what exactly I want from the store, for example, I know that I need to go myself. If I'm in a time crunch and he sweetly offers to go, I need to appreciate the effort, not the result. I expect that he will come home with something not right, and I know in advance that I will be ok with this, and just be grateful for the nice gesture he made by going.

So it's those two things- expecting imperfection, and just saying thanks, that helps.

I realize that he certainly doesn't think I'm perfect either, and of course I'm far from it. But he accepts me for who I am (as in, the controlling one!).

It takes practice, but it can get better. You have won half the battle just by admitting what you do and taking responsibility, good for you!

I am wondering...Are you like this with only your husband or are you like this with others as well? There is a huge difference in approaching being a better wife as opposed to being a better person. Have you considered therapy?

Please stop feeling so bad about yourself. You have one personality, he has another.

The trick is to come to the middle. You don't have to just let your husband do everything the way he wants. Your opinion counts too. And quite frankly, some people just try to do everything because it's too much trouble to get their spouse to help. You do NOT want to go that route. ALSO, some spouses intentionally "screw up" so that they aren't asked to help out. That's manipulation.

It's not really about "poor husband". He KNOWS that you feel strongly about certain brands and he ignores that and feigns ignorance. I suggest that you start cutting out the front of bags, boxes, etc and pasting or stapling them to large notecards. Put a hole punch in the corner of each one. Put them in a drawer and when you need him to get something, grab the ones you want and secure them together with a ring (office stores sell them.) He will have a perfect visual of what you want, and he won't have to "think". You won't have to be upset.

Please stop feeling so bad. There is no reason why he can't get the right product.

Dawn

I am from a family of 6 and I found myself relating to a lot of the things you said. I don't think it has to do with being an only child. What I have realized about myself is that I can very easily slip into a negative critical place and without realizing it I pick at things that really don't matter.

Recently I started journaling again and trying to focus in the things in my life that are positive, and being grateful for what I have... because most of us have a lot to be grateful for. I've also taken a closer look at myself to remember that I am not perfect, and I need to be more open and loving about the things about my husband that are not perfect.

You might think about taking a daily walk outside if you can and doing some mental concentration on what you're grateful for. It's amazing how our thoughts can change the way we behave and view ourselves and others~ I also am a big fan of therapy... from the things you said about how you grew up and having control issues, you might find therapy to be really beneficial. A lot of times "the way we are" is because of how we've become as a result of childhood issues. We all have this stuff. It's working through it that makes it better.

Good luck~

OK...I think a lot of us can be that way sometimes. I've been married for 19 yrs and in that time have learned to either accept it as it is, or just to not ask for his help (groceries, cleaning, laundry.) For me, I'm usually so grateful it got done and I didn't have to do it, that I let it go if it's not exactly as I would do it.

You see that you are like this and seem to want to change, so change! It CAN be done! You have to tell yourself that his ugly shirt is really ok, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter, unless you are going to church or parent teacher conferences. LOL! And when he picks up the wrong BRAND, you can still use it for whatever your need is and it's probably not even going to change the outcome! So, take a deep breath, have a conversation in your head about how whatever he did is really ok and why, then graciously thank him for helping out! Best of luck!

I don't know if you have been together for 13 years he should know you like a particular brand. If they didn't have it why couldnt he call and ask you? On the other coin after 13 years if you know he is easy going and wont think it would be important to bring the right thing back why have him get it. But it comes down to respect. don't beat yourself up. Guys are different than us and look at things differently.

I am an overly critical person and I am trying HARD to stop it because of the effects my (mis)behavior had on my social life.

As to the mamas who go back and read past questions from a mama--STOP IT! We are not on this board for you to stalk. Just read the current question answer it and leave the psychoanalysis to doctors!

CONGRATULATIONS on recognizing your back ground as an only child is part of the problem. AND for wanting to change that. You are miles ahead of the game compared to others in this site that only blast their husbands for not following orders.

Part of what you can do is to make sure you don't do that to your kids by having more than one. Most families feel that 4 is the ideal number of children.

Watch the movie, "Fireproof" and get the companion manual to the movie, "The Love Dare". I've been following the principles of the Love Dare for almost as long as my wife and I have been married (39 years).

I have done blind taste tests in conjunction with teaching classes on Bargain Shopping. It never ceases to amaze me that people will have a brand they like and won't buy anything else, even when other brands are less expensive. Most people will not pick out their brand as their favorite during a blind taste test.

So keep up the good work and be more felixible. Sounds like you are very smart and astute. Your husband is a lucky man.

Good luck to you and yours.

I think you need to lighten up on yourself (your last post you said you ruined your daughter) There are two of you in this marriage, he should know by now you care about brands.(do you write down Skippy chunk peanut butter not peanut butter?) You should be able to voice an opinion about his hair style or hideous shirt (we all do) The problem may be the way in which the two of you communicate. Tell your hubby you want to improve communication so you are nagging him less and ask him to go to a counselor with you. The counselor will be an impartial person who will help both of you to improve!

I'm glad you care to work with your husband. I'm sure he's not perfect either...so don't be too h*** o* yourself. There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want. However, I understand the need to not be so selfish about things. I read a quote from a wise woman who said, "Sometimes you have to decide if you want to be right, or, if you want to be married." This has helped me keep the little things in perspective and focus more on appreciating what's really important...like the fact that I have a husband who will go to the grocery store. When we get married..it is totally about the "us and the we vs. the I and the me. Maybe some books will help you....One which helped me is called, "Liberated through submission" by Stormie Omartian. I've been married 14 yrs and my hubby still leaves his socks on the floor...but he washes the dishes and that's just fine with me:-) May you have many more happy years of marriage as you grow in love together. God bless you on your journey!

On this site we can have some very ridged opinions. You can tell with this question that we feel this is a fine line question. We have all been too picky before and realized it. We have also been irritated by someone's lack of attention to detail.
This is is the exact land where we grow and change as people because of the influence of our spouses. I have much more attention to detail because of H. He is more laid back because of me. The best response probably lies somewhere in the middle, not really mine or his to claim.
I don't think it's just because of your being an only. It's part of being a woman. Just as not caring about little things as much is part of being a man. I have felt like the schrew quite a few times. Thank you for reminding me I need to bend more. This may be the turning point that makes you bite your tongue at the next seemingly simple task.

I think you are already on the right track. Think before you speak. Realize he is NOT doing these things to upset you. Most men are just overly practical and don't understand the need to over analyze and keep things perfect in every way at all times.

It is great that you are looking at him through a lens of how you both were raised. That is using compassion and understanding. As long as you recognize his wonderfulness and tell him daily then all is well. Just bite your tongue when he doesn't see the obvious and you feel the need to point it out. Don't. Let it go!!

I know when I have feelings like this it is usually near my period. Seems like as I get older I get more irritated and frustrated..and irrational. I let my husband know ahead of time as I near my period. I really try to curb my tongue when I feel like being snotty or snarky. I make a conscious effort to keep the peace...and pick my battles. And Skippy peanut butter vs. organic peanut butter is not a battle worth fighting over in my book. (and I have found my husband's Skippy is so much more satisfying when I am on a hormonal roller coaster!!)
Good luck and best wishes!!

You've already taken the first step, you recognize there is an issue and you want to change.

The first thing I would do is apologize to your husband. Let him know that you recognize that you have not always been the nicest to him, and that you do appreciate everything that he does for you.

The second thing is to stop the behavior as best as you can. When you see that you are getting ready to nit pick something, leave the room. Not in a "I'm gonna blow" way just as a way to break the cycle. No body will ask you to change in a day, but just take baby steps and you will get there.

Have you thought about talking to a counselor? It might be a worthwhile activity - someone who is trained in assisting in the kind of self analysis you are looking for.
If that's not for you, what about making a list of the things that are important vs things that aren't a big deal and posting it somewhere that you can see it frequently? That might help you channel the "control" need to only the things that really warrant it.
Or try taking a second before reacting and ask yourself if it's a big deal. An example would be Hubby is wearing the ugly shirt. Maybe before you say something about the shirt, you ask him what his plans are for the day. If he's running to Home Depot or working in the yard, say "okay, I love you, have a good day" and let it go. If he's headed for a business meeting, maybe say something like "why don't you wear the X shirt instead, I really like the way it looks on you and it will make a good impression" That way he won't wear the ugly shirt in a situation you'd rather he didn't, but it is done in a way that makes you both feel good.

KUDOS to you for realizing this, I have friends who are bitchy perfectionists and they just think their husband's are 100% wrong all the time.

But SOMETIMES, it would be OK if he did get the brand you specified. there IS a balance. And lots of women (and men) have preferences for how their spouses do their hair, what they wear, etc.

It's all about HUMOR! HOW you say he looks "so much more handsome in the fitted dark wash jeans on his sexy body" than the light 'mom jeans' for men that are baggy and taper in at the ankle.....whatever....Weight is sort of off limits, but hair and clothes? There's usually a way to finesse that. Would you be mad if your husband said, "I hate you in short hair. Whenever you get that one hair cut, you look unattractive"? Probably. But would you hate him for saying, "You look so great in long hair, I loved it when your hair was like__."? No. Not offensive.

I'm guessing you can let SOME stuff go, but not all. And you can be funny instead of bitchy at other times. A great book to FEEL more accepting from your core is "A New Earth" and I also liked "The Untethered Soul". I'm very un-bitchy, laid back about most things and sensitive to others' feelings..but sometimes it's the last straw when you NEEDED a certain thing and the hubs didn't even try to get it right and/or he never does try...and I HAVE had to lay down the law on some horrible fashion choices in my men over the years, or I just hate looking at them. But I don't say it that way. "The most flattering hair cut I have seen on you is when you let it grow a bit shaggy, You look sexy like that" goes a lot further than "you look ridiculous in that immature hair-do".

Good work being thoughtful. Keep practicing it until it becomes natural! The nicer you are to your husband, the more he will WANT to please you, and the fashion and hair battles can probably stop. And the stress which can cause weight gain will diminish too. Don't pick on him. :)

Hi,

I just want to commend you for recognizing this behavior in yourself. You are seeing how it effects yourself and your husband. That is really good! This is a huge start to stopping the behavior. One thing I would consider is making a mantra for yourself. When you are about to speak to your husband or anyone really, think to yourself:

Will what I have to say hurt this person or help this person???

What is the positive in this?

What am I feeling that I need to say something to hurt this person? How can I deal with my feelings and not project them on him.....

Start journaling and you will probably have an epiphany of what happened when you were little and what made you do this.When you find the root of the problem, you can find the solution.

You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Good luck!

Always hard to realize when we aren't as perfect as we think. Sounds like you are already on your way to changing just by recognizing it.

I don't know that I have any great advice for you. At home I am pretty easy going, things don't have to be perfect. I figure that I only should complain if I am willing to take on that task myself. And even then, if I stop and think, very little of it makes that big a difference.

But I have more trouble at work. Particularly with one fellow employee. I just want to scream when she sets her Pepsi bottle for the 20th time in front of the drawer I need to open about 20 times a day. Or when she doesn't write the date or vendor on the check stub so I have to look it up on the bank website.

I guess the difference is, if someone is doing something that will create more work for me, then it drives me nuts. But if something is just a difference of opinion like how to clean something or what brand to buy, then I can easily let it go.

Try to write stuff down in a journal and then once it is written down see how it makes you feel and try to address those feelings and whether they are reasonable or whether they are just the inflexible part of you talking.

My wife forwarded this to me as I have been like this my whole life.I don'r know about your childhood, but I grew up in an alcoholic home and thereb was always termoil. I am also a control freak and a perfectionsit. Try to practice thinking that just because you try to control things doesn't mean you can AND you have no right to try to control someone else's life. Practice letting him do what he wants. say what he wants, dress how he wants, bite your tongue. It takes practice, but it can be done. Also you might want to investigate if your a co-dependent as we always try to run things and make things perfect. Beedes Co - Dependency is a great book. You can do this just prcatice letting go and remembering this is his life not yours. You will drive him away or to another relationship if you don't learn to let go. When we grow up in turmoil, it makes us feel uncomfortable when things are OK. We feel anxious without the turmoil and the control taht we need. Anyway good luck.

Start by telling him (or if that is too hard, writing to him) the things that you love and appreciate about him. It's not going to make your habits go away, but the more you focus on the good, the less the bad will take over.

I haven't read your responses. I am a complete control freak too. Being aware of it and wanting to change it is a great first step! Awareness is huge.

When I had my first child, a relative told me: Your husband is going to try and do stuff for the baby and he is not going to do things they way that you like or the way that you would do. Try to smile and say "thank you" because if you criticize him or always try to tell him how to do it, then he will be discouraged and won't want to help out anymore for fear of failing. This lesson spills over into all areas of life. It drives me nuts how my hubby loads the dishwasher, so I sometimes "fix" it when he is not around. I know, it is totally anal but it is not worth it for me to make him feel bad about helping me out. The biggest thing for me is asking myself "Is this going to be detrimental? Is it worth making him feel bad?" If you keep reminding yourself how much you love him, you will eventually learn to let some things go but it will take those constant reminders. Heck, put it on post its around the house if you have to. Do whatever it takes to start asking yourself these questions. And remember, you can't really change how you're wired but you can push yourself to adjust/flex a little bit. :) Good luck!

Hi J.M.
This is a big WOW! A big WOW that you are able to recognize how you are treating your husband. This is a start for you. I am currently doing a study on "Love and Respect" and it talks about exactly what you are doing. When a wife scolds her husband, she's only trying to help correct , to keep things on an even keel. And there is no doubt at times men need this kind of help. But when a man begins to feel that what his wife is saying reduces him to a child being scolded, there can be trouble. He doesn't necessarily sees your heart, he only hears your words, which are saying that you are looking down on him. We as wives do not intend to disrespect our husbands but it appears that way to them. As moms of young children we forever try to make them understand right from wrong and we never realize that we are projecting this behavior onto our husband as well. My suggestion will be instead of reacting so quickly to any of his mishaps, ask yourself...Is what I am about to say or do going to feel disrespectful to him? How would I like to be treated? I don't know anything about your husband other than what you have expressed above, but we need to work on changing ourselves. As wives we need to respect our husbands and husbands love their wives. This is biblical (Ephesians 5:33). Communicate in a loving way by asking him after you have spoken, if you came across too harsh or disrespectful. I can not think of any other way than to be accountable with each other. We all have flaws (I know I did and still do) and by lovingly pointing this out to one another, you can help grow and build up your marriage. Many blessings!
N

I am sure the control you also like to have and your attention to detail also make you a great mom and wife in other ways.

I think that I am the same way sometimes but I have tried to tell myself that it is really exhausting to want everything to be my way. Perhaps thinking about how free you will be if you just don't feel things need to be the exact way you have to have. It means you can also let someone else have responsibility for something else. You can enjoy your cup of coffee without worrying if your husband is putting on the right red socks on your kid. There will always be bitchy comments from someone like us but there will be less and more enjoyable moments for yourself if you realize that having control over everything in the end creates stress and in the end makes you very not fun to be around. When I think like this, I do relax a bit. Maybe this will work for you. For me, it is exhausting to think I need to check and control everything. I found this out when my husband had to take care of everything for 3 days because I had a migrane. And I just stopped caring because I didn't have the energy. It was very freeing.

Good luck, v

Don't be so h*** o* yourself you are certainly not alone. I'm surprised more people aren't this way. I've sent my hubby with pics to the store to make sure he gets the right thing and he will do the same thing if he wants specific things as well. I did bring this up to him and he said the same thing, we are who we are and in a marriage we take the good and bad. We all have things that we need to work on to better ourselves. I don't have any advise for you just wanted you know you're not alone.

I think it's awesome that you realize this and even the reason why. most people never get there. that was the most important step you are taking in this, including letting your husband know you are aware of it and that you want to do things differently and not freak out about things. life is so much more pleasant when you don't get upset about these things, i'm learning that as I get older. (A good side-effect of aging, finally!) Patience is the most important thing here, which will be easier because you love your husband very much, and remember you can always get your own (whatever it is) if it's so important that you need the right one.
Kudos to you!

JM,
First, I think it is courageous of you to even reach out and seek the help of others...most might not. Secondly, the fact that you are now self aware and can identify these behaviors is very positive.
I am too a very "specific" personality type and can find my reactions to things sometimes very stringent. I have worked on trying to use short key phrases in my own internal conversations to curb my reactions (i.e.: this is not a big deal, how are his feelings going to be affected by my reaction? (is this worth impacting his feelings long term?). Changing my internal conversations with myself, helps me to view things from other perspectives.
Another thing that impacted my reactions was the speed in which I move on a regular basis. The faster I go, the more I seemingly get accomplished and the more successful I feel. However, that speed directly correlates with my actions and reactions as well, which was not good. Slowing down really gives me the ability to be more aware and empathetic with everyone, especially my family (who is the most important, but doesn't always get the best of what I can offer).

I hope this is helpful. God Bless!

J9

Step 1 is to admit that you have done wrong, and I think the argument about what you need from the store is absolutely nonsense. At least he went and got it for you, but I hope you apologized to him too. Second, your husband needs a wife and not a mother so stop treating him that way. Think before saying things out loud. If you take a deep breath first, it will give you time to turn things around and say it in a positve manner. Change takes time and stop bashing yourself at least you admit you done wrong.