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Battle with My 13 Year Old Girl

I am struggling with catching my daughter in MANY small and stupid lies all of the time. She compeltely denies everything even when I am holding the evidence in from of her face. She has peppered some swearing in her everyday language...which I am tolerating (to pick my battles). She is getting distracted at school with boys and friends. She is a good kid...but we bicker like crazy. I can't help it sometimes because I feel like sometimes it is a potential learning opportunity. But often I don't want to be around her because my blood pressure goes up. She started her period and hormones are crazy. Although I'm remarried, my husband is significantly older than I am and does not have kids...so he has no clue. So I am still a single mom. I basically just feel like I get kicked in the face every day. The teenage years can't be like this...every day kick in the face...I cut text messaging because it takes focus from her school work (grades are coming up) and I think it is a window into oblivion. How do I build trust with her, get her to engage and communicate with me and keep my sanity.

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well i dont know if her father is still a part of her life. If he is not that could be part of the problem. She may be looking for a male role modle in her life. Maybe it will help if you and you new husband can start showing a united front with her. I know he doesnt have a clue, but no parent does, and she may be rebelling becouse she feels like he doesnt want to try even to be there for her. otherwise lock her in the closet until shes thirty, and always remember these years only last a few years so just keep a good sence of humor.

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My daughter is still small so I haven't had the pleasure of dealing with teenage hormones yet, but I do listen to Dr. Laura. Because I hear this sort of thing on her program frequently, I would suggest that you strip her room of everything. That means, phone and cell phone, stereo, posters, anything that is not school related. If she has only a bed left in her room, so be it. Tell her when she gets home from school she is to be in her room doing homework. When she starts behaving appropriately, stops lying, stops swearing, and starts respecting your authority, then she can have her stuff back. Another approach is to make a visible list of her bad behaviors on one side of the list and her privileges on the other side of the list. Such as her cell phone, TV time, going to the movies, hanging with friends, you get the idea. When one of these lying, swearing, disrespectful episodes pops up, you don't argue or discuss anything. You simply walk over to the list and pick one of the privileges and cross it off in front of her so she knows you've done it. Remember, don't open your mouth. Explain to her when you make the list how it works. She will lose each privilege for 1 weekend. I promise it will not take long before she starts behaving the way she is supposed to. I have don't this one with my sometimes mouthy almost 6 year old son. It only takes one day of losing cartoons for him to straighten up. I wish you luck on this, and dread the day my sweet little daughter's hormones kick in.

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Instead of trying to argue with your daughter, I know this will sound crazy, but on a Friday (call into work and her school) go shopping and to lunch. Have a mommy daughter day and talk to your daughter one on one and tell her how you would like to be treated, but in return ask her how she wants you to treat her too. Being 13 is tough your stuck between being this little kid, wanting to grow up, and trying to find a place where you feel like you fit in and at 13 you don't feel like you fit in anywhere. Try to get your daughter to do most of the talking and I'll bet she'll open up, but most of all try to let her know that she can come to you with anything and that you'll always be there for her. Even when kids know they can go to their parents they often don't because they are afraid of how they will react, so try to remain calm even when you want to pull your hair out and she should come around. Best of luck!

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Can you spend time with her doing things she will enjoy and that you can tolerate? Even if you just go to get a Jamba Juice or Starbucks together the first few times. Maybe buy a new top or piece of jewelry, or lip gloss. My teenagers tell me more when we drive around in the car on small trips like this, and I am constantly surprised at some of the things they tell me. Stuff I doubt I would have told my parents. I learn about their likes and dislikes and they learn about mine (like how I don't like being lied to). They're great kids and I find that sometimes we just need neutral territory and un-inflammatory topics of discussion to strengthen our relationship. Also, giving them responsibilities to help with running the house--not chores--gives them an opportunity to show their ability and resourcefulness and that they can be counted on. Acting out is always a cry for some type of attention and an opportunity for education.

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Hi! I'm very knowledgable about alcoholism and addiction and believe it or not, no matter how old or young your daughter was when you were in your addiction, she was very much affected by it. She needs therapy for it just as much as you did, and still do. Do this now because trust me, her behavior in her teen adolescence will only get worse!! This is only the beginning, if you don't get in touch with her now, get her therapy, get yourself therapy, you will lose her to her peers, and the wrong peers at that. Please sit down with her everyday and have real heart to heart talks, it's so important! Girls are very tough to deal with in their teen years, and they need lots of understanding and complete parenting. If your having trouble communicating with her directly (do this on a daily basis) do things just you and her, lunch together, dinner, movie, and get that 3rd person in there that can help you both learn to communicate together.

Also, have you heard of the movie 13? It's a few years old, but it's a real eye opener. Check it out and maybe watch it together. I'm here to help or to listen if you need to talk. Good luck, and don't wait!

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I happen to agree w/ Katie, I have 4 teenagers and 3 small ones, ages 16, 2 who are 15 and a 14 year old and they are in boy girl order. These years are so much harder then the younger years, I'd like to say it is only a girl thing but sadly it isn't! Hormones are hormones no matter what sex they are. I too allow the occasional swear word, so long as it is not directed at me! DO NOT TAKE YOUR DD'S ACTIONS PERSONALY! Because they are not!

I actually took everything from my older DD cause she thought she could do what she wants and act how she wants, she can not, I am the parent...period. There is no dating in my house until the age of 16 and only if you have proven you are responsible and you keep your grades up. That is probably the one area where there is no "talking about it". Lies are not tolerated under any circumstance, no matter how big or small, That is an istant loss of phones, mp3's and computer privlages. My kids have learned to just tell me the truth, I may not always like what they say but thier is never a punishment for telling the truth, there might be consequences, like extra chores or they might have to right a paper on why their actions were wrong but they won't loose everything, and their lives will stay almost the same.

My 15 year old son has started to let a grade slip in class, and it has been this way since the beggining of school, well he has know lost his Mp3, video games, computer time, No track for him, he is very athletic and will loose his drivers training class, he also can't go off campus for lunch (small town not many places to go) and if by the next report card he hasn't brough the grade up he will loose his chance at playing football again this year. Education is everything in my house, they are bright and talented kids capable of going far in life, and I will not allow them to ruin their lives. Tough love is hard and for some kids it is the only way to get them to uderstand that you are not going to play their games. They are smart buggers, and learn very early on how to manipulate a situation, we have to learn how to turn it back on them. Good luck all parents of teens need it!

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your daughter reminds me of myself at 13.. and you sound a lot like my mother. since you have been a twosome for so long you have a very special bond. if you are like me and my mom, you may be in for some rough teen years. one thing that would have helped when i was going through was if my mom took a more active role in dealing with this phase. it got pretty hard(constant fighting and attitude from me lying, sneeking out, bad grades ect)i didn't really understand why i was doing any of it, i just had a lot of emotions and things felt very crazy and out of control,my advice would be pick your battles yes, but don't let her fall too far. help her through even if she gives you attitude. she is going to need you alot in the coming years, always be there. let her have her wings but give her a soft place to fall too. and as for your new hubby, your right you really are still on your own, even if he did have kids i can say pretty confidently that she probably wouldn't listen or accept his insight or parenting much anyway. but if you could guide them into a great friendship, that may really help with the boy issues that will be coming along more and more.. hang in there, once i turned about 18, suddenly my mom made sense to me again and we were the best of friends i may be along way of but she will come back again!

1 mom found this helpful

well i dont know if her father is still a part of her life. If he is not that could be part of the problem. She may be looking for a male role modle in her life. Maybe it will help if you and you new husband can start showing a united front with her. I know he doesnt have a clue, but no parent does, and she may be rebelling becouse she feels like he doesnt want to try even to be there for her. otherwise lock her in the closet until shes thirty, and always remember these years only last a few years so just keep a good sence of humor.

1 mom found this helpful

Maybe this is her idea of acting out? You mention you suffer from depression and had some problems with alcohol. Maybe this is how she is dealing with it?

Maybe take her for some girl time and ask her if she has anything she wants to tell you. I have an 11 year old soon to be twelve year old daughter that is doing the things similar to your daughter and I think its hormones and to see how much she can get away with.. I don't allow text messaging.. I don't allow her a phone and when she displays this kind of attitude I ask her what the real problem is.. If I can't get an answer that way I just tell her to get over it or tell me so we can help her get through the problem.. Ever since I ask her what is wrong or to be specific I can kinda guess what the problem is like her self esteem is low because kids at school call her ugly I asked her point blank did she think she was ugly and she said yes.. so maybe being specific will help with your daughter if you can get her to respond to you..

Also tell her that you will get to the bottom of the problem one way or the other and if you need to call the school to see if something is going on that they have noticed and maybe you can put a united front up for her to show her that you really do care about her and love her and show that you care by teaming up with the school to see how to fix the problem.

Picking your battles is good so keep doing that. I have to do that as well with my 4 kids.. so don't feel like you are the only one. :)

B.,
Don't put up with her swearing and let her know that if she lyes to you, you can not trust her. Take privaleges away everytime she lyes to you. Ask her if she thinks that you are stupid when she lyes and you have proof that she is. Get her to think of the consequents in the long run.

I would also have girl time together. Shopping and lunch are always fun especially if she has a dance at school coming up. A movie that just the 2 of you go to. Most theaters have a discount time and take advantage of that time. Sometimes we have a girl night with chick ficks and pizza on the floor near the T.V.

You should talk not scream at eachother. Have a meeting and lay down ground rules. Including privalegdes and consquences. Stress respect for you and respect for herself. If she can not verbalize her thoughts respectfully, you have a time out until she is ready to calm down and talk. She might have more going on at school then she is letting on. Check out her friends and find out how they treat their parents. She might be in the wrong crowd and peer pressure is not easy at this age.
Good LUck,
C. B

Hi, I just wanted to say that I feel your stress!! I am a single mom and I'm going through the exact same thing with my 12 year old daughter. After 12 years of living with me full time she recently decided to go live with her father full time and only visit me every other weekend because she says I "ANNOY" her. We use to be very close but now she never even calls me throughout the week to tell me how she's doing, she completely ignors me and when we are together on weekends all she does is either fight with me or act like I don't exist. She absolutly hates me lately and it really hurts. The only time she is nice to me is when she wants somthing and when she gets what she wants she is extremely ungrateful. One day I took her out for dinner at her favorite place and tried talking to her, I told her how much I missed spending time with her and my eyes filled with tears, she looked me stright in the face and told me to suck it up and get over it, it really hurt to hear her speak to me that way. I'm am very sorry that u are going through this but I'm happy to know that I'm not the only mom who is struggleing with her child. We have to be strong, it can't last forever right?? ;-)

Welcome to life with a teenage daughter!
One thing that assisted my relationship with my daughter
is being totally honest with her and how I was feeling.
Take ownship that you create how you are feeling.
In other words, don't blame her for your frustrations.
As I said, she is acting like many girls her age.
It is a scary time in her life. She is coming to terms with what being a woman is all about. Most of all, remember to tell her that you love her. Many 13 year old feel that they are unlovable, reassure her that no matter how she behaves you will love her.

Oh lordy, you are probably describing what I will be dealing with in like 7 years! UGH!!!!! :)
As for lies, I would say with every white lie you are really putting me in a bad situation where I cannot trust you, you will and have to earn it back or you will be grounded for a very long time, period. Make her earn it back!!!! Tell her why it is important you be able to trust her.
I feel your pain, however I think she sounds like a very normal teenager. I wouldn't worry about picking battles right now as you need no mixed signals. She isn't a toddler and now of all times she needs to see the rules and adhere to them, no exceptions. I would say post them up in her room so she has a clear visual! No swearing, good grades, no sassing.
I put my hand up to my already sassy 6 1/2 year old and say "wait, don't say another word, until you calm down and can say something nice, I do not want you to open your mouth".
It is a daily battle with she and I to just work on tone and contents of her words. I tell her daily, "you cannot take hurtful words back, so if you are angry or sad, get over it before you open your mouth so you do not regret it"..after SEVERAL weeks of staying on top of cutting her short of she sassy mouth, she is learning to catch herself and we are actually making progress. I had a sassy mouth and my mom is in heaven laughing her butt off right now I tell you. My daughter is truly as giving and such a loving little girl with a razor sharp tongue (lord is it genetic?). I just cut her short of digging a deeper hole.
Another wise thing my mother said daily "be careful, do not dig a hole any deeper then you can get out of!!"..so when my daughter starts, I just plainly say "you are digging holes"..and make her rethink.
Kids act on impulse, especially teenagers, teach her to catch herself, have consequencs when she cannot control herself and just be patient. Tell her you totally understand she is upset/angry or crazy about boys, tell her that is normal, however then explain the importance of respecting you and getting good grades, just keep repeating it and it will sink in.
Hugs hun, I have to say I will hit menopause and my daughter will hit puberty at the same time, my poor son will probably just run away when all this happens, hee hee.....

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