Bad Relationship

Family first. I would never let anyone with those tendencies around my family, my children. *judgmental time* She would be completely selfish to expose her daughters to someone who has a tendency toward violence - into their home! That just pissed me off. If she wants to put herself at risk, fine, but don't subject innocent children.

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Alanon. If he needs to do more research about alcoholisim, she should probably not live with him while he does so. She has learned to be his enabler, and he was never sober, he was dry, or this would have been a slip instead of a fall. If he is not in AA, he is not sober, and if your freind moves in with him before he is, she will likey burn out or be snuffed out very, very quickly.

M.

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I have a friend & coworker, Marsha, who has been involved with an alcoholic for 4 years. I asked her to respond to this question, as I think it is important for your friend to hear from other people who are in the same situation. Please print this for her to read. Marsha is also willing to talk with her directly if she wishes, but asks that you contact her through me first. Thanks, T..

Marsha's response:
Been there, done that, have the souvenir t-shirt and coffee mug!

Loving an alcoholic I believe is one of the toughest things to do. You can get advice from everyone under the sun, and most people are happy to “bash” the alcoholic. However, in the end it’s what you feel is the right choice for you and the other person.

Alcoholism is a disease… A very nasty, love and people consuming disease. The alcoholic thinks only of themselves and drinking – nothing, and I mean nothing else matters. There is NO “controlling” the drinking. What she believes he is drinking, double or triple that, as all alcoholics lie about their drinking habits, and most will admit to that! Being in a relationship and living with an alcoholic for almost 4 years has taken it’s toll on me. I love and will always love David, but there comes a time when you do have to walk away, no matter how hard it is. I have stood by David and been his biggest advocate, supported him (as he can’t hold a job), and loved him when drunk and sober. And I agree, when sober, he is the sweetest, most caring individual around. When drinking, it’s like living with a person who has split personalities. One second they are calm, next angry, after that, child like, etc…

My personal journey with my alcoholic is ending. He had been sober for almost six months now, but has fallen off the wagon yet again. I have lived through 6 or 7 formal detox at hospitals, and done numerous “home” detox (not recommended!). Recently he has stolen money from my wallet, taken all of my prescription Xanax that I use for anxiety attacks, and has left me $4.00 in my bank account. All in the name of drinking! I told him that I would give him until the end of September to get all of his stuff out of my apartment and live elsewhere. I still love and care about him, but I know now, he will NEVER change unless he wants to. He won’t do it for me, family, friends, etc… and in fact he has lost several friends to alcohol deaths, which I thought that would be a life changer for him. NOPE, no such luck. Alcoholics are a strange breed, and they will consume themselves and everyone in their path. I know David will die an alcoholic, and that makes me sad and angry. He is so intelligent, talented, kind and caring (when sober). He would give his right arm to anyone who needed help, which is why I’ve stayed with him so long. I felt I couldn’t leave, as I was brought up to believe you needed to help someone who cannot help themselves. But again, alcoholics are different…I know that no matter what I do or say, he will not change unless he desires it. And I need to stay strong in my decision to kick him out of my life, as this is not just about him – I have to think of what is good for ME! I cannot bear to watch him slowly die in front of me. To me, that is worse than setting him loose to die on his own. Maybe once he is forced to fend for himself, he will come to realize that drinking is not a good tool for coping with life! I do believe I have enabled him this whole time by “protecting” him from himself. This is the harsh truth us enablers have to face; we put everyone ahead of ourselves and feel we are martyrs and saints to be so giving of ourselves. We also need to seek help ourselves for this enabling behavior, as we are destined to repeat it over and over, just like an alcoholic falling off the wagon!

If she wants to learn how to live with an alcoholic, attend Alanon meetings--they have changed my life and I am able to keep loving and staying with my husband of 16 years, even when he gets off the wagon and then gets back on. However I do know I could not choose to stay if my husband were violent toward me or toward our boys.

If she is "babysitting" the amount he drinks she is only enabling. She needs to learn detachment and setting boundaries. It is not impossible, but it is often a difficult road--honestly I would not choose it for anyone. Good luck to your friend.

Quoting you here "He says he wants to go to counseling but is not ready to give up drinking." So, he has made his choice, the drink over her. Wise move here would be to run from this alcoholic and the faster and sooner the better. "She has a beautiful baby grandson and two daughters, one who is 21 and the younger around 15. They are probably picking up on bad vibes because the female in the relationship is frazzled and stressed." Again, the grandbaby and her daughters should be number one in her life and she should run, the sooner and faster the better, from this alcoholic. This alcoholic man does not deserve this woman.
V.

There is probably nothing you can do. Printing out the responses won't help, pleading with her won't help and telling her the horror stories of the women who tried to live with alcoholics won't help either.

Your friend is going to choose to go through this no matter what you say to her.

Encourage her to keep her own place and attend alanon meetings regularly. Having her own place will give her a safe place to retreat when he goes through one of his drinking binges. It's one thing to say "I love him" and "want to support him", but why move in with a practicing alcoholic?

If he says he is not ready to quit drinking he is a practicing alcoholic and he will continue to have fits of rage and behave in other terrible ways. If she has a place to go to get away that would be best, if she has support of an alanon group that would be even better.

I wouldn't go down this road for any thing, but sadly most people have to experience it before they realize this.

Tell her good luck,
S.

That really stinks. I found my perfect match and we've been going on for 12 years now. Yes we did burn out at some points and we did have an issue with something that needed to be overcome but not alcoholism. It did cause a rift and as the years went by trying to ignore it we suffered more and more until it blew up. One of us was asking for a divorce. So we sat down and talked. We talked for 48 hours straight only taking breaks for taking our children to school. I know I'm a terrible mother for taking them to grandmas for two days but I thought it was in their best interest to let mommy and daddy talk.

Anyways, I digress what we really needed to do was face the scary monster head on. We should have talked about the elephant in the room a long time before that. When we did oh boy did we. Not everything either party said was kind though. But we came out the other end and to be honest we have been so happy since then. I can count how many fights we've had on one hand since then. If something is upsetting us we just talk. Communication is essential in any relationship... Oh wow I digressed further.

But for this instance in my opinion I'd do just what we did to handle this situation, or in this instance start therapy and rehab or we are done. Perfect relationship or not it's horrible to go through 9 years of ignoring a problem and the resentment growing and it blowing up in your face. So I'd tell him to check into therapy and be serious about it or call you when he is and if you are still available you'll talk. If the drinking is more important than her she deserves better.

This coming from a woman that married the perfect man and after 5 years we were still like honeymooners people would say. One friend who said she'd never marry decided we gave her hope to marry and even have children. But had we not had it out we wouldn't have made it which would have been terrible to be honest.

I know my opinion is very different than most but no one is perfect. Sure he has a major flaw but she needs to do what she needs to do. Be it stay at her own place and make him get help or walk away. I'm sure she will stay with him but I'd keep telling her as her friend that he needs to get help or he's not good enough. Remember be gentle and genuine. She is far more likely to respond to that. Had someone told me to leave him or move out I would have just ignored them. But had they sat down and showed actual interest and desire to help I would have been receptive. Actually that is just what happened and it worked.

But good luck to her. :)

She needs a support group such as Alanon. Post-pone the moving in together. It will be ok not to.

You already made up your mind to say something to her, and we both know what that is.
Decide to say it or not say it.
You will have to live with your choice, she will have to live with her choice.

common sense ring a bell here?? i mean really come on...fear usually overtakes love any day of the week....

Please tell your friend to RUN, RUN, RUN the other way. This situation will not get better. She is making a horrible decision for herself and her family. Just this once, take everyone's advice and walk away. This man will, control, manipulate, belittle, and just basically ruin her life. I say this because I KNOW from personal experience. Usually they do the intervention for the addict. You need one for your friend. No prince charming is worth what she is going to go through. She has nothing tying her to him, they are not married, don't have children together, no join property. Tell her to RUN before it becomes harder and more complicated. Really, how could she even consider doing this to her children, especially the 15 year old.

If a woman isn't picky about who she sleeps with or lives with she can easily get a drunken abusive man to enable!!!

RUN AWAY

She needs counseling to find out why is so ready to accept this kind of relationship.

I can't understand what the problem is here!

It is VERY simple.
They are not married ~ they have no kids together.

LEAVE!!!

She needs to love herself and her family FIRST and MORE.
There is no reason to stay with him.

Enough is enough, it's time to leave.

Al-Anon and walk away. You can always find another man...but sometimes you can never repair the damage an alcoholic can do to your friends, family, self esteem, and self image. She can walk away now or face the possibility of being taken away later with a lot more to lose. Having been there and done that...it is much easier to cut the ties now and feel the pain for a while, than live with the pain forever. The good times NEVER make up for the bad when it comes to alcoholism or violence (speaking from experience on both). It gets really old! Alcoholic and violent - why would anyone knowingly accept this? If you wouldn't want it for your children...you shouldn't want it for yourself!

People tend to show their best side while dating - we make sure we look nice, behave well, etc. but once we're married or in a long-term relationship, our real personalities come out. If he has these episodes now, I only fear for her safety once they move in together.
Also, in my experience, you can't change someone or their beliefs, behaviors or attitudes. Whoever believes they can is doomed to fail (or at least the relationship is).
I wish her the best and I am praying that she makes the tough but correct decision here.

Please tell her to turn and run. A true alcoholic can NEVER drink and control it. I was married to an alcoholic and each year it got worse, not better. He may be a great guy but unless he is willing to quit drinking completely, she should definitely get out of that relationship.

This post really hits me. Here's why. I grew up in a household where both parents drank. My mother is one of my biggest mentors and I feel has taught me so many valuable lessons and helped make me the person that I am. She was such a giving person towards EVERYONE, her biggest demon, alcohol. I remember the closing of the cupboard everytime I would hear her try and sneak out the bottle. I hated that sound! When I was about 18, she finally admitted herself to the hospital, she was jaundiced and in bad shape. She pulled through and for the next 9 years or so, thought everything was great and that she had recovered and fought that demon head-on. Wrong. Alcoholism is a life-long battle, it's a disease. Some can stay on track, a lot can't. 4 years ago in October, my Mom lost her battle with alcoholism and her life. Everyday I think of her. I now have 2 daughters of my own that will never be able to physically meet my mom and that makes me so sad. Like I said before, she taught me many things in life, for example, that no matter how much you want someone to change, they will not or will not stay changed unless it is for THEMSELVES. That I want to be around for a long time to be able to see my children grow and for me to grow older with them.
In this situation I feel like as a good friend you should give this woman your opinions and hope for the best, if you are only an aquaintance, I don't know if your opinion would really be appreciated but you can give it a shot. I would think a woman that has children and grandchildren would want to always, always do what's best for herself so that her children will not suffer. As others have said, if they are not living together yet and this is how this man is acting towards her, moving in with him will inevitably make things worse, because she will be there all of the time, with all of her own issues, and as someone else has said alcoholics are generally all about themselves and their own problems and bring in someone else and their problems and I can see more explosions, more swearing, more things being thrown, and if this man is already acting like this, physical harm to your friend. All of this is unexceptable. I truly hope that she can talk to a counselor and her children before she makes this decision, I truly believe it's easier to get out of a situation like that before you are living with that person, no matter how invested you are in that relationship. But one thing you have to remember, people have to want to change all by themselves, so your friend will not listen to you if she is not willing to admit it to herself that she knows it's not a good decision to move in with this man, or even for that matter, continue on with the relationship, unless he gets and wants help! I wish your friend luck and hope she makes the best decision for herself and her family. Alcoholsim SUCKS!!! I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's emotionally draining for a friend to watch another friend get hurt and not really want to do anything about it. And if she moves in with this man, either get ready for double the amount of stories or for her to completely freeze everyone out. GOOD LUCK to all involved and I hope that this man can help himself and beat this battle called alcoholism!

There is absolutely no way I would move in with this abusive man and expose my children to this situation. He is not perfect and she needs counseling to get out of this relationship. Why is she picking someone like him in the first place? He is not healthy for her or definitely her children whom she needs to protect.

Do NOT move in together! It will only increase. He needs to be sober first. He should not have gotten into a relationship until he had 12 months sober. I know easier said than done. But DO NOT MOVE in together until he has sober time again, then she will be "trapped". Oh yes she can move out of course but it is so much harder to be on the inside trying to get out. Than being on the outside viewing it all happening.

If he does not love himself enough to get help, he can not love another.

There is never a "if I do this he will stop". He is grown and makes his own choices there is nothing someone else can do.

Mind altering drugs, are cunning, baffeling and powerful over the person using them. The people on the outside can not understand why they can not just stop or walk away. The drug is more powerful than the person, telling them just a little will not hurt, I can control it, see nothing happened this time. All bad tapes that play over in their head validating using.

He needs to get back to meetings! If not RUN the opposite direction because he does not think enough of himself to get help.