M.R. asks from North Olmsted, OH on February 09, 2010
'Bad Mommy' from 5 Yr Old????
Ok ladies here's the thing. My son all the sudden has been pulling this ur a bad mom, i wanna live somewhere else, i never get nothing, i dont want my toy.. etc.. it's making me nuts!! the one day he said something when we were in the car and i open the van door and told him to get out and find another family to live with. in the meanwhile, as i pulled out, i called my neighbor to keep and eye on him as i drove around the apt bldg to give him time to think.. I just dont know what to do or why he's even saying this. i've told him many of times that there are plenty of lil' boys and girls that don't have a bed to sleep on or pillows or blankets or they dont even get to eat but once a day. i keep telling him we're blessed and how there are bad mommies & daddies out there that dont take care of their children or they beat them. I just dont know what to do or how to react or even what to do or say to him.. Any suggestions would be appreciated.. i'm frankly just getting irritated with it and the fact of i dont know where this is all the sudden coming from ... Thanks ladies :)
**** Edit.. sorry... the reason i let him out in the parking lot is b/c he told me for about the 10th time that he wanted to live w/ another family .. so my point was 'ok, you go find yourself another family.. so i told him to get out of the car.. and then he was like no mommy i luv u.. blah blah.. i know it was harsh but w/ husband on the road all week.. idk how to deal with him w/out him getting out of control!!
M.C. answers from Nashville on February 09, 2010
Wow. My oldest is 6 and to me....the things you are doing/have done seem extremely harsh and kinda scary. This is totally normal behavior in my opinion. Sometimes my daughter will come at me that I'm a mean mommy, or you're not my best friend anymore kind of stuff, but that's totally ok. In that moment to them, for whatever reason, we are bad mommies. LOL But, our job is to nurture them and raise them...not necessarily be their favorite person on earth all the time. When my kids throw something like that at me, I simply remain very calm and tell them that I'm sorry they feel that way but I really do love them and sometimes things just aren't fun. And I leave it at that. A few minutes later, they're over it. I just don't draw tons of attention to those comments b/c in my opinion...they are a totally normal stage of development. Please don't instill fear in your son by leaving him standing in a parking lot.........that really isn't going to fix anything in the long run.
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K.B. answers from Cincinnati on February 09, 2010
My son is six and he would have been hysterical if I left him in a parking lot for any reason. He already fears that I'm going to forget him somewhere or not pick him up, even though I Have NEVER once forgotten him anywhere.
Kids have feelings and for some reason he is not happy with you right now. Have to you tried sitting down and talking to him? Is he good at writing yet? Could he write out why he feels you are being a bad mommy? This way you can open up the door of communication and either help him understand why you act that way (to protect him, keep him from danger) or maybe its something that can be changed so he doesn't feel that way. Try to concentrate on the positives, punish that which can harm and ignore that which can be ignored. All kids say "I don't love you anymore" and "I don't want to talk to you because I'm mad"...Don't you at some point in time have those feelings too? Take the time to teach the proper way to deal with these feelings when they occur verses hightening them.
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D.P. answers from Pittsburgh on February 09, 2010
I'm sure you regret doing that. It was harsh and dangerous. He's 5. Don't place that much importance on what a 5 yo has to say regarding things he simply can't understand yet.
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R.J. answers from El Paso on February 09, 2010
I think your son is just learning to better express himself. He's not really talking from the standpoint of knowing if you're a bad mommy or not but just from the present state that you won't let him do what he wants at that moment. So just like when he's with his friends, if they don't do what he wants or likes, they are bad or not nice. An ugly way for him to express himself but that's what he's doing nonetheless.
I know it's irritating but in my opinion, as long as he doesn't get to the point where he's being disrespectful, I wouldn't give it much attention. Like any kid, you find out what pushes your parents buttons and that's what you continue to do. If he starts throwing tantrums or aciting out, then I would punish him accordingly. You can tell him that what he's saying is not nice and won't be tolerated but until he learns that there are consequences to his actions or words, he'll keep on. HTH!
S.D. answers from Philadelphia on February 09, 2010
What happened when you drove away from him?
Don't feel to bad, we all have breakdowns we wish we could take back. Maybe he is old enough to be taught that 'you don't talk to Mommy/Daddy like that'. you can THINK it all you want, but those words had best not come out of your mouth. It is likely a phase he will grow out of. He is learning the true power of his words. Tell him that when he talks to you like that it hurts your feelings and NOBODY likes to have their feelings hurt. (that works for me, but mine is only 2)
S.C. answers from Columbus on February 09, 2010
I understand your frustrations, but I think this is pretty normal behavior for the age! My DD just turned 5 and has pulled the "bad mommy" card a few times when she didn't get her way. As a matter of fact she did it last night while we were at Meijer. We wouldn't buy her a princess pillow she thought she needed. She yelled at her dad in the middle of the store and told him that he was a "bad daddy" becuase he never buys her anything she needs. You could tell by the look on his face he was irritated b/c she was causing a scene and had other shoppers staring at us. I laughed and calmly explained to her that there is a difference between "needs" and "wants". That she has two pillows on her bed, one having a princess pillowcase. She doesn't need a new one. On the other hand, she needs the fruit, milk, veggies, etc that are in the cart to help her grow and be healthy.
I honestly believe that they do this because of things they see on t.v., hear from other children, or simply b/c they aren't getting what they want or the attention they feel they need at that given time. During these stressful times you have to remember that he is just a child and that they don't always understand how hurtful things can be, but again... even if he does understand its hurtful he may be doing it b/c he's not getting his way. You have to find a way to remain calm & not act harshly! If its difficult for you to do, take a step away from it & come back to address it. Reward him for positive behaviors instead of giving him a drastic reaction to negative ones like these. If he sees that he can get such a reaction out of you & that he's getting to you.... he might just remember that and use it in future situations as well. My mom always tells me.... when the kids do something or say something to get a reaction out of me... take a step back, lock yourself in the bathroo for a minute or count backwards from 10 before you react.....
E. answers from Dayton on February 09, 2010
Five Year Olds know what buttons to push to get us where it hurts. Also, they don't always have the skills necessary to express what they are feeling. Fives can get VERY frustrated and angry because they are trying to be independent but can't always handle the things they want to. That being said, Remember that what he is saying is just WORDS. And remember that we are not parents to raise our kids to be our friends. For my son, when he gave me the attitude, I would say that I was not going to play with/talk to/be in a room with someone who is mean to me, and then I would walk away. Usually he would turn it around right away, but if not, I gave him space so we could both calm down.
I gotta say also that the thing with kicking him out of the van is NOT ok. I'm sorry to say that I believe the law considers that child endangerment. Regardless, please sit your son down and apologize for doing that. Just say he hurt your feelings and made you angry and you made a bad choice. Tell him that you would never ever give him away but that when he acts like that and wants to move away it makes you feel bad.
Just remember that he is just a little kid and he needs to feel safe to be frustrated or mean. If his daddy is gone alot he might be going through all sorts of things and just doesn't feel in control of ANYTHING. Try lots of extra love. Good luck!
T.C. answers from Dallas on February 09, 2010
My daughter has also recently been known to say similar sentiments... but she's 18. And I also told her "Then be my guest!... but be VERRY sure you really want to do that... since we pay for everything". LOL... She decided to stay. DUH!
However, when they were little and said silly childish things like that I told them "THat's okay, I love you enough for both of us". And, since I love you so much, I won't allow you to be mean or hateful to people you love. You will sit in the corner until you can talk to me in a kind voice."
Mom, You are allowed (infact, you are responsible) to draw the line at what he's allowed to say to you and what he's NOT.