R.G. asks from Spokane, WA on October 21, 2009
Bad Dad
I am writing on here because I am at the end of the line with the situation that I am living in. I read advice of others on this site often and I wonder if there are any other women out there who are living in a situation like I am. I feel that there is no hope for me at all and that this hell will continue. It is a long story but I really need to get it out there because I feel that I have dried up all of my resources and I pray that maybe there is a chance that there is someone out there that can help.
My ex and I broke up 7 years ago. We have 2 boys together. He had lived in Seattle up until the past 1.5 years. I have always had full custody of my kids but there had never been a parenting plan until he moved back here 1.5 years ago. He has never paid chid support a day in his life...there have been times that I have let it go in hopes that I was allowing him to put his life together and to gain respectful employment...just maybe then he would be a respectable man and pay his child support. I let this go until 2 years ago I discovered that in Seattle he was driving a brand new Mercedes and living in a 500,000 house that he purchased on his own. I immediately called the Department of Child Support and opened an order for support enforcement. When he found out about this he intentionally gave his car back to the bank and he let his house go into foreclosure. He also closed the business he was running and made the claim of disability. He then moved back to Spokane with his pregnant girl friend to live with a realitive...for free. We went to court over visitation of the kids, we had a trial because he was attempting to take the kids from me, I had never been more than a weekend with out my kids and I was not going to stand for anything more than every other weekend. In the end the Judge decided that since he said he was disabled that he would give him 6 months to prove he was disabled or to get a job and he would for that time place the support owed at ZERO...for the next 6 months! He also gave the worst parenting that I, or anyone else has ever heard of; the school week is split up and that is really hard on my kids. I hated the outcome of the parenting plan but I didn't really have much of a choice or that great of council either. I was told by my attorney that I should keep strict notes in the form of a diary and that he would burry himself soon enough and we could go back to court. I have not been back to court since. He is tormenting me and my kids and my husband and daughter on a daily basis. He keeps their clothes that I buy them and sends them home in rags, and refuses to give them back. I work very hard for the money to buy their clothes adn he keeps them, I am told there is nothing I can do. He decides to keep them past his visitation time and just laughs in my face...he does it all the time. I have called the police but they say they cannot get involved, all I can do is make a police report, which I do. He tells my kids all the time that I am a bad mother..he says awful things to them and he screams bad HORRIBLE things at me over the phone when they are in the car with him. My kids are really hurting. I took them to a counselor who specialized with situations like this. Their dad told them that this was my ploy to take the kids away from him and if they tell the conselor any thing about their dad, they will not get to see him any more so they dont talk to the counselor. They are becoming completely closed off and I know that they hurt inside but they tell no one.
This pathetic excuse for a man is currently on welfare, which means that child support CANNOT be enforced for any reason. I have NO idea how he gets away with being on welfare, no idea at all. He also just received thousands of dollars in federal school grants to attend college, but no support for the children is enforced. He goes to the kids' doctor's office and changes their address and phone information to his, although he has never taken them to an appointment before (he was there with his new son and asked to update their paperwork). He sits at home all day playing computer games and I assume attends college at some point in the day and he contemplates on what he can do next. He sends horrible degrading messages to me on my phone and voicemail. He mentally mind screws my family on a daily basis. The lawyers that I have spoken to are all out for money. I know that it's their job and they DO deserve to be paid! BUT..are there any attorneys AT ALL in this town that are passionate about what they do? That truly care about their clients? My attorney seems to not care about my situation or me or my family and I am just stuck...just stuck...she says that I can file him in contempt of court for getting the kids to me late..but it's $1,000 each time and he will most likely get a slap on the wrist or a small fine. I don't have the money to play that game. I don't want to go back to court I just want to live a normal life! I have even resorted to no longer speaking to him on the phone as of recent months, email only. I have also decided for myself that I will NEVER EVER say one bad thing about him to my kids and I will not say a degrading thing to him either, in the hopes that it will make things better. It is not helping. It really seems that his goal in life is to make mine miserable. Sorry for the long novel. Thank you for reading. If you have the same issues or know how I can get help I would greatly appreciate it!
3 moms found this helpful
More Answers
J.W. answers from Seattle on October 22, 2009
First of all, were you married to your ex? The reason I ask this, is that no self-respecting judge or lawyer involved with the divorce would have allowed it to become final without a parenting plan in place. I went thru this with my brother and his ex. If you were partners, is his name on the boys' birth certificates? So parentage is not in question.
Your boys need a guardian ad liem. This is a person who speaks for your sons, not you, not your ex. They will talk with your sons, listen over several visits to their concerns and what they have to say, their concerns, their issues. They also will do home studies, of your home, your spouse will be asked questions, etc. Your ex will have the same happen, a study of his home, his partner, their life styles. With regards to the medical records and access to them, that is written in a parenting plan. You can provide the doctors' office a copy of the plan and they are bound to comply. Same with school records, interation and correspondence, something as simple as school conferences and report cards. You need to find a better family law attorney. To date, the person you have representing you is doing as little as possible and collecting on every phone call you have with their office and on every letter they read or write, and you have one of the most screwed up plans I've heard of (and my brother and nephew were messed over, but your ex has an awesome lawyer who has been able to negotiate your support of him for all intents and purposes.) It's imperative that you never speak ill of your ex to the boys or in earshot of them. With regards to cost, you can contact the Seattle-King County Bar Association and ask for recommendations. All the King County Superior Court that is the jurisdiction for divorces and family law has a medition/parenting plan service that is low cost. Take a look at using this service. As a matter of fact, it's a requirement for divorcing parents to to thru the mediation education and process. You say you know that he had a business, a car, a spendy home... knowing and showing proof are two different things. If you can provide proof of fraud, the intentional financial demise, to avoid child support, that will go a long way in your custody/parenting plan hearing. And if you find out all this information and do the investigative work, it will save you a considerable amount of money, as your lawyer will charge anywhere from $200 to $500 a hour for this work. Being on hold for someone to tell them something is billed at the same rate, so you can see how this will save you lots of money.
It's hard to share kids, hard to let go and let someone else have access. You say you've been separated for 7 years, so he was out of the picture from the time the boys were 4 and 2, not reappearing until they were 9 and 7. They are his kids, they will want ot have some interaction with him and you need to be as strong as possible to let this happen, but you want your boys to be safe and not mentally abused. So again, seek out a mediator and a guardian ad liem. Get your evidence collected. A new lawyer if at all possible. Call the Women's Law Project in Seattle and see if they can recommend a barracuda style lawyer who will fight for you and your kids as if it was her and her kids in this fight.
Wish you well.
5 moms found this helpful
M.B. answers from Seattle on October 21, 2009
R.,
I fully agree with Lisa on this one. The special lawyer she's talking about is called a CASA, a Court Appointed Special Advocate whose only job is to ensure the welfare of the children. The other idea is to get a Guardian ad lidem, usually a lawyer doing pro bono work whose, again, sole purpose is representing the children and their wishes.
I'm a little confused about the custody arrangements. If you're in Seattle and he's in Spokane what judge in their right mind would split the school week? Do y'all have joint custody now or are you primary and he has visitation? If you are primary he should not be allowed to change any information regarding the children.
Hope this helps,
M.
http://www.nationalcasa.org/index.asp
sorry for the double post, my internet is a little screwy sometimes
4 moms found this helpful
N.Z. answers from Portland on October 22, 2009
Do you live in Seattle? I had a hard time finding a good lawyer in Washington. Ended up in Oregon, I also live there now.
You need to get yourself to a support group for abused women. Even if you are not abused in your current marriage, it sounds like you were before. Your ex is abusing you now. My ex is also abusive on the phone and has threatened my friends. It breaks my heart that my boys have to go through it.
I went to a lawyer who helped me to set bounderies. We now communicate only by email. That way if he is anything but business like, I can have a good record of it. I refuse to talk to him when he is being abusive. I tell him, "You are out of control right now, I'm hanging up because I don't have to listen to it." Then I don't answer the phone when he calls back. You shouldn't have to live like this.
Sometimes support groups can even help you find decent legal counsel. You are way beyond mediation but, people like him don't usually show up anyway.
It's a long struggle, but you and your kids and your current marriage are worth it. Hang in there. You matter and are essential to you kids!
4 moms found this helpful
M.P. answers from Portland on October 22, 2009
I adopted my daughter thru CSD and have also been a CASA worker. CASA workers are volunteers. They are not attorneys, tho I suppose an attorney could volunteer. A CASA worker can be assigned when a case is going to court. I do not know the criteria for having a CASA worker. I suggest that you call their office.
Everything that you've written indicates to me that it's time to go to court. But only if you've been faithful in documenting these things. Have you kept a calendar or a "diary" listing these things in a neutral non-judgmental way? If you've kept track in writing but wrote down judgemental statements, rewrite it so that the facts speak for themselves.
Record phone calls and messages left. You do not have to tell him that you're doing this.
Keep a copy of all of his e-mails. When they're abusive do not respond. When you need to give an answer be matter of fact and keep a copy of your message. Do not respond to his anger. Sounds like he's pushing your "buttons." The best way to help yourself is to talk to him as seldom and as little as possible. Looks like you've already figured that out. :)
My grandson visits his father. He and my daughter get along fine. She sends him for the parenting time in play clothes. Usually he returns in the same clothes.
I suggest that you return the boys to their father in the same clothes he sent them back to you in.
It's so easy to work extra hard to be the responsible parent when dealing with the irresponsible one such as in your case. You should not be sure that your boys have the same responsible care with him that they have with you. Let him fail. Clothes is a part of that.
As for doctors' records, tell them the legal boundaries of your custody agreement, give them both your address and their fathers'. Don't put the doctor in the middle. Your ex has a legal right to medical information. If necessary give the office a copy of your custody agreement.
A part of your documentation should be whether or not he attends school events for parents, his boys' sports, that sort of thing. Be sure that the school has his name and address so that he can be notified of events. Either you or the coach send him game and practice schedules. Assume that he will do the "right" thing. Don't nag. Just write it down.
It sounds like you would qualify for Legal Aid Assistance but I can't say since I don't know your husband's income. I'm a retired police officer and I found that most of those attorneys are working for Legal Aid because they do care and want to help. If you don't like the first one that they assign to you, ask for a different one. But first, listen to the first one, accept that he will most likely not let you see his feelings about the situation. He will not be incensed. He will listen to you, look at your documentation, and tell you what the next step should be.
If your documentation is more emotional than factual he won't be able to help you as well as he could if you stuck just to the facts.
He will also be better able to help you if you can be less emotional when talking with him. Venting is for friends and people like us. Lawyers deal with facts.
I also don't understand the child support issue. My granddaughter's father was ordered to pay child support even tho he wasn't working. His reason for not working and not paying is that he was taking care of his ill mother. So he is now in arrears and is paying a small amount extra each month now that he is working.
It sounds like you share custody with him. If he has the boys half time and you have them half time there is no child support.
My daughter said that, in Oregon, she has received assistance in collecting child support from the Oregon Attorney General's Child Support Office. Perhaps WN has a similar office. The forms that both parents fill out asks for all income including the sort your ex is receiving. Are you sure that he's being honest?
It's difficult for me to give more specific advice without actually reading the court order(s). Perhaps the way that the order is written prevents your attorney from going to court to change it. Ask her for specifics regarding reducing parenting time. Your message indicates to me who has had a lot of experience with this issue that changing custody arrangements has the possibility of winning in court. But only if you've kept a date specific chronological record of events that also includes a brief description of what happened.
Also document anything he does right. There should be a time on the calendar for every time that he picks them up.
What counts more than the times he picks them up or drops them off is what kind of care they receive while they're with him. Does he give them nutritious meals. Do they have a regular bed time? What activities do they have.
Describe the boys' demeanor and attitude during the time they're with you and when they come back. CSD was able to have my foster daughter's visits with her mother changed to supervised visits because I was able to tell them how upset that they made her, including what her birth mother said and did. You don't need to ask a whole lot of questions of your sons. Mostly listen and write it down. You can ask some questions in a casual way, such as what did they have for dinner, what did they do for fun, etc.
If you don't qualify for Legal Aid assistance, yes, you have to pay the attorney. I've not met any attorney who would do pro bono work in a custody case. An attorney is a professional just like a doctor. An attorney has living expenses just as we do. Winning in court requires quite a bit of work. The attorney will investigate and add documentation to your documentation. (S)he spends time preparing for the court hearing and then spends time in the court. They pay for their office staff that includes an assistant and an investigator at the least.
A young and inexperienced attorney will charge less which may in the long run cost you more. Ask about their experience and interests in what aspects of law. Interview the attorney as you would if you were hiring for any other job. Many attorneys do not charge for the first visit of 30 minutes or so. Ask about this when you make an appointment. Prepare a very short version of your concerns and a list of questions.
Most of all I would continue taking my boys to counseling. As you know this situation is extremely stressful for them. They may not want to go but you take them anyway. Stay with them during the session if that will help. I think family counseling would help all of you. As another mother said, it will take time for your boys to feel comfortable with a counselor. It takes time to build trust.
After a period of time with your sons the counselor will be a good witness in court. So, it's important to ask them if they would be willing to go to court if that is needed.
Finally, no one can make you miserable without your permission. Finding a way to change how you feel and respond is difficult but it's possible. Try to separate the custody issue from the rest of your life. Know that custody issues take a long time to resolve, focus on what you want at the end, find out what steps you need to take to reach that goal, and then here's the really difficult part, let it go. Put this in it's own "box" only thinking about it when it's time to actually do something about it.
I wish you well. I think the system needs to be changed. Perhaps one day it will be changed. In the meantime we have to work with what we have without letting it put us under.
3 moms found this helpful
W.L. answers from Seattle on October 22, 2009
Hi R.,
I don't have any additional advice to give you other than what has already been said. (You do have A LOT of great advice here.) I just wanted to send a quick note to let you know that you and your kids WILL make it through this!!
You sound like you're making a lot of the right moves, and if you follow the advice that's been given here, you will be the victor in the end. I'm sure your sons will appreciate everything you're doing some day (even if they don't understand now). Keep them in counseling, get them the CASA representative, continue to keep your lip zipped about their father, talk to the support groups, document EVERYTHING as factually as possible, work on changing your perspective of the situation to not be personal, and keep the CSD involved. (Just summarizing what I remember from the advice below.) I really do like the personal journal idea too, both for you and your boys.
You and your boys WILL make it through this!!! I wish you all the best!
2 moms found this helpful
L.N. answers from Portland on October 22, 2009
First of all, I just want to wish you so much luck and tell you that you have the support of all of us strangers out here. :) Something I thought of to further document everything is that you can order transcripts of your text messages from the cell phone company, so if he's being abusive/threatening in texts, you can have a legal record of it to present WHEN you finally get back to court. You sound like a great mother, and just keep doing what you know is right for yourself and your family.
2 moms found this helpful
Y.B. answers from Seattle on October 22, 2009
On top of all this other great advice, you can start filing contempt against him on your own. My best friend has had to do this alot. There are people at the courthouse that can help you fill out the paperwork. This is good to do because it then starts a paper trail in the court system. Goodluck to you. I have lived through this with my best friend when we were roommate and I know how difficult it can be.
2 moms found this helpful
L.G. answers from Eugene on October 22, 2009
Dear R.
Last year I paid out a small fortune so that my daughter could get control of her life back from the bad daddy who must be tutoring your children's father.
On the advice of her attorney she did keep a diary and after the mediator saw the transcript of what he said to her on the phone he was ordered to write everything on e-mail. Those e-mails sank his ship.
Not only that but my grandchild's teacher testified against the guy my daughter had been married to for 12 years. She said the homework was not done and the child's behavior after these visits was horrible.
Talk to your child's teacher.
Change doctors if the one you have doesn't realize how much trouble the man is making as he does not pay bills or take them to be treated.
Get your kids and yourself into therapy. All of you need someone to talk to.
I know he is making you and the kids miserable.
Remember the piece of work he fathered his new child with is very likely behind all his moves as she wants your children and to erase any hint of you in his past. The new Mrs. in my daughter's case was helping him write the e-mails.
He may laugh now but in the end the judge knows about him and his kind of abusive ex-husband. So keep your records and talk to your children who are very likely being brain washed. Not saying anything bad about their father is the best policy. Send them to his house in clothing you buy at the thrift store even if it is the same outfit every time.
My daughter got full legal custody and he lost lots of visitation time.
In the end the ex will likely get some vile lifelong health problem as life pays you back for everything.
2 moms found this helpful
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