Bad Behavior of My Son's Friend

I like that you are being compassionate about this. I am, frankly, a little surprised at the moms who are ready and willing to write this little boy off (whether he's 5 or 10 years old, he's still a little boy) as a "bad seed," or simply evict him from your life because he's going through a difficulty. The reality is, a young kid starting to steal like that is an indication of something going on that needs adult intervention. You need action and compassion, not anger and rejection. And that's the direction it sounds like your instincts are telling you to go, which says a lot about you. :)

So, I agree that you should absolutely approach the boy's mother with this, and if you do so in the way you suggest (ie. tell her that you think she has a right to know, that you recognize how difficult and awkward this might be but that you value her friendship and you want to keep her boy in your son's life so that's why you're telling her, and that you are here for her to help her in whatever way you can) then I would be shocked if she reacts badly. Of course, if she does react badly, well, there's nothing you can do about that, you've done what you thought was right and that's what's important (both for yourself and as a lesson for your son).

I also think that you can use this as a learning opportunity for your son; he needs to learn that you have his back, that you're protecting him and his stuff, and also that awkward situations can be handled generously, with grace, and preserving the dignity of all involved. I think you should be open with him about exactly what's going on and how you're handling it. It's a great life lesson for him, both in terms of not stealing and in terms of how you handle difficulties with friends.

I think you're being very generous and kind, and it will serve you and your son well. Good luck!

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I would definitely discuss this situation with the child's parents. If you do not want this child in your home, you should tell his parents he is not welcome in your home until his behavior changes

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Ji Yun:

Hello! I'm truly sorry you are going through this!

I would ask the other parent over for coffee/tea and talk to him/her about the situation. Unfortunately, if the mom of the other boy has blinders on to her son (she might not notice new items in his room or believe his lies "Mom, look what Tommy gave me today!") you might not have a good relationship after this.

You are right - YOU might not care about the trifles, but YOUR SON DOES. Those are HIS things.

Instead of saying "your son is stealing from my son" I would say - we have been having problems with things missing. Could you please check your son's room for a necklace (and describe it). It could be that he was playing and excited when he left and forgot to put it back on the shelf..."

I would also talk to the other child the next time he comes over and explain to him that under no circumstances is taking something that is NOT yours without permission acceptable in your home. If something is missing again, he will not be permitted back in your home until all items are returned...he needs to know that TRUST IS VITAL TO ANY RELATIONSHIP and if he can't be trusted, he won't be welcome in your home.

You could also forbid the children from playing in your sons room. That's not fair to your son, who plays by the rules.

I hope this works out well for you!

Best regards,

C.

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Tell the mom. She's probably unaware that this goes on, and if it happens to your son, it more than likely happens to others he visits. We had a similar situation years ago. I just called the mother. The item was back at home shortly. No hard feelings, either.

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You can take a couple different approaches. If your son has been to their house to play at any point, you could call the mom and ask if you son happened to leave his necklace (or whatever else) there? And if she wouldn't mind looking for it. Do this when her son is not there.

My first choice would be to tell the mom. She may or may not know that her son is stealing. If these items are precious to your son than you need to stand up for him. If the relationship suffers with the other child and his mother so be it. Your son and teaching him that sometimes we have to end relationships when people don't respect him and are repeatedly causing him pain and when you can't trust them.

If you continue to let your son play with this child then he needs to be an "outdoor" friend only. It will be hard for him to steal a ball or bike without somebody noticing. Good luck.

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Yes you need to tell the boy's mother. If the boy doesn't learn now that it is wrong to take things from other people then he will learn it later in life when he is arrested for shop lifting. It sounds like this boy has a very bad influence in his life and his mother needs to know what her son is doing. Also I personally would not allow the boys to play together unsupervised anymore. If this continued to be a problem then I would not let them be friends anymore. A friendship is not worth having your son learn that stealing is ok. If the boy's mother gets upset then so be it it is better for her to know the truth and for the boy to get help now before it is too late.

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I'm trying to understand why your son and you are referring to this child as a friend. I'd teach my son that friends do not steal from one another and let him determine if this is a friend or not. And, this is your home. Why are you inviting strife into your home? You didn't write if this was the 5-year-old's friend or your 10-year-old's friend. Each requires a different method of handling. Five year olds are still learning rules of etiquette. I'd talk to the mom with a 5-year-old. Not sure about how to handle the 10-year-old, depending on how long you all have allowed this to go on, if the friend's mom is the type who would welcome the knowledge and would discipline her child, or if the friendship is worth saving. Sometimes, people do make mistakes, and this friend might be going through something personal that requires adult intervention. Or, he could just be a bad seed. Not sure how much influence I'd allow him into my family without his parents around.

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I would say that you definately need to say something. There is a good chance that the boy's mother would want to deal with the situation; I know I certainly would if it was my son! As far as worrying that she might get upset with you, that might happen, but I really believe that it's more important to stick up for your child. I know my son has a million little things that I don't care about, but he does, and when I take action to protect those, I'm reaffirming my love of him. It might be that the boys' play needs to be closely supervised, if possible, and someone needs to tell the other boy that stealing is not acceptable. And your son needs to be able to tell his "friend" that he can't advantage of him by stealing his stuff all the time. He's got to be able to stick up for himself-not to bully anyone else, but to be able to say "I don't have to be bullied." The relationships may go sour, but it doesn't sound like they're good relationships. If they are, they'll last and talking about this issue will improve them. Otherwise, they should be let go.

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I agree that you should make the friend's mom aware of her child's behavior. Just tell her what you've observed, and what has gone missing. Be calm and non-judgemental.

You don't say whether this child is a friend of your younger or older son.

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Call the boy's mom. Tell her what he has been doing. Do NOT invite the child back - ever. If he asks to come over, just tell him that he can't be trusted so he isn't allowed in your house.

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I think you should tell the mother, as gently as possible. If that were my kid acting badly, I would want to know. If she doesn't know these things are happening, she can't correct the behavior.

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You should talk to the childs mother about it for sure. she needs to deal with her own sons stealing prob. not you. If he continues to steal from your son i wouldn't allow him in the room.

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When my stepson's friend stole his game cards and sold them, we confronted him and then his mother. They were in middle school, but I think the same applies here. The boy has been confronted and lied so it's time to talk to his mother.

I would also limit the boys' play time at your home and not allow your son to take anything of value to the other boy's house. For a while, my stepson seemed to "get over" and forgive the incident (the boy and his mom bought replacement cards), but my husband and I held firm on these ground rules, for him and for our household. Eventually the friendship faded because the boy was not trustworthy. Had they been younger, I might've been more proactive and not allowed them to play together.

You need to weigh the relationship's value and the kid's behavior. If the mother doesn't think it's a big deal, maybe it's time to reconsider the friendship. Being on good terms in that case is only good til the next time your son's belongings are stolen. Right now it's little things, but they mean a LOT to your son. Why allow him to be hurt? Why allow an unrepentant thief to hurt your child? Why allow a child to up the ante and "borrow" something else? Both my stepkids have learned hard lessons about not taking things of value certain places. Better to leave it home than lose a $30 game card.

So talk to her, but be prepared to play hardball if she doesn't think it matters or her son's behavior doesn't change. She might get upset, and she should, but she should be upset at her son. If she gets mad at you for telling her about it, then there's your answer, in my opinion. Don't be afraid to stick up for your kids.

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You most DEFINITELY need to let this boys mother know. Cleptomania is a problem that can be helped. Also, she needs to know that her son is misbehaving and it WILL get him in huge trouble if he is not stopped. I personally could care less if she gets upset, her son is Stealing from his supposed friends. If she is a good person, she will not let this interfere with the relationship. If anything, I would think that it would be you or your son who have problems being his friend.

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You definitely have a different outlook than me. If it was me, I would not allow the boy to come over anymore. I would also tell my son to make different friends and stay away from the boy. A friend is a good thing to have, but a true friend will not steal from you or make you feel that you cannot trust them! This boy sounds like nothing but trouble for your son. I would bring it up to his mother and if she denies it or tries to make it seem like no big deal, I would not want to stay in good relation with her either, and I would let her know they are no longer welcome in my house. It may just be material possesions but no one should feel they have to constantly keep an eye on someone in their house or unsafe. You should feel safe in your home if anywhere and that the people you invite in are not taking advantage of you. You should feel they are welcome in your home and they should respect you, your children, your house and your belongings!

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Wow...that's a tough one, but you aren't doing your son's friend any favors by not taking action. You have an obligation to report the child's behavior to his parent. What she/he then does with that information is up to him/her. I also would personally tell the boy the next time he comes over that he may not play at your house until the items he took are returned. If they are not returned, then he is no longer welcome. If they are returned, then he may play with your son, but supervised only, for a period of time, until you are certain that he can be trusted. He needs to understand that there are consequences for his actions, and you may very well be the only adult in his life who cares enough to teach him this firmly but compassionately.

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you and your son need to tell this boy that he needs to either put back the stuff that he took or he is not welcome back in your home.

because it all starts with small stuff and then it moves on to bigger stuff like your medicine cabinet and then where will you be.

not to mention you are teaching your son that it is ok to put up with this type of behavoiur.

would you let a stranger come in and take your stuff? of course not. the only difference is that you know this kid.

get rid of him he is bad news.

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I set rules for my home that are in effect regardless of the rules in my son's friend's homes. Thus, no stealing in my house, and that is what is going on with this friend. If his mother doesn't know about the theft, how can she try to stop the behavior? You could tell her in terms like "I think you should know that your son keeps wanting to take home things that belong to my son without his permission-I've explained to him that he must ask permission first, and if my son says no, then he must abide by that decision" or something similar. That way, you are describing an event that keeps occurring, not directly accusing her son of stealing. This might keep from putting her on the defensive. If she defends him no matter what you say, then perhaps you need to find other friends for both you and your son, because the problems are not likely to disappear on their own. I recommend being polite but firm, and worrying less about upsetting the other mom, and worry more about what kind of person this friend will turn out to be if he is not stopped when the thefts are minor.

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I would certainly involve his mother. Of course you may get the outcome you fear and it may ruin your relationship. However, consider what you are telling your son, all in all the boy is a theif...fast forward 10 years, would you want your son hanging out with someone who steals tvs or breaks into someone's house? By ignoring the problem or not dealing with it you tell your son it is ok for his friend to behave that way and ok for you to associate with those kinds of people. I think that is a bad message to send. Not only that but if you have friends like that who needs enemies.

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I have dealt with many different issues over the years with the mothers of my children's friends. I would say that you definitely need to speak to the mother about what is happening at your house while her son is there. If things don't change (the child keeps taking things from your son), I would limit their time together. I know that you would like to keep the friendship but really, you have to be an advocate for your child. It is wrong to steal. If the mother doesn't want to see the problem, then, in my opinion, there are plenty of other kids out there to be friends with (and moms too!!)

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