12 answers

Bachelorette Party Getting Out of Control

Hi all. Now, my question has nothing to do with being a mom, but I have an issue and need some advice. There is a lot of background to this, so I will be as brief as possible. My best friend from forever is getting married at the end of this month. She lives out of town, as do most of the wedding party, but she is getting married here. Although I have been friends with her for 16 years, she did not ask me to be a bride's maid. This has kind of upset me (I guess a litle bit more than "kind of") but I am trying my hardest not to let it show. Because all of the bride's maids live in other states, they have asked me for help in planning the bachelorette party. I had no problem with this, I love being able to help. The problem is this: Because the costs of the party are getting pretty high (i.e. stripper $200, hotel $90, food and alcohol $150, etc) they are putting a "cost per person" on the invitations. Now, I have never been to a bachelorette party before, but I am starting to think that it's rude to ask people to pay to come to a party. I was ok with it at first, when the cost was only around $20-$30 per person. But now they have decided to rent a limo for transportation from the hotel to the clubs and are asking $70-$80 per person, and everybody still has to pay to get in and for drinks at the clubs for themselves. I myself cannot afford this much for a party. May is an expensive month for me (I have four birthdays, mother's day, and now a wedding present to take care of) and it's just not in my budget. Is it right for them to be asking the guests to pay for the party? If not, how do I go about telling them that this is not polite, or, down right rude? Maybe it's customary for the people attending to help out with the costs and I am just not aware of this. Like I said, I have never been to a bachelorette party and didn't have one myself, so I don't know if it's completely normal to ask the guests to pay to come. Please let me know what you would do and say. I really need help with this one.

P.S. The bride is also asking some really weird things of me. She keeps asking if I want the hair stylist to do my hair and the make-up artist to do my makeup for the wedding. I am not part of the wedding party, and I can do these things very well myself. She also even had the nerve to tell me what color she wants my hair to be! My children ARE part of the wedding, my daughter is a flower girl and my son is a ring bearer. She has not said anything about how she wants them to look, just me. I love her to death, but the term "bridezilla" has been at the top of my thoughts for a few weeks now. Help? Please?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

If you can't afford it, just make up an excuse why you can't go. (It will have to be a good one though!) I wouldn't get into a fight with a bride about money right before her wedding. People remember everything that went wrong and everyone that offended them forever! Sometimes the best excuses are emergencies the day of the event. That way you don't have to listen to guilt trips.

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More Answers

I found this on a site, it answers part of your question..

Now that you have a super cool restaurant lined up, it's time to talk about money. If you want the Bachelorette Party to be free of stress and awkwardness, it's crucial to get guests to agree on who's paying for what before the big event. The Maid of Honor is charged with planning the Bachelorette Party mayhem, but she's not the only one who should be dishing out to pay for it. Instead, try to get guests to agree to donate a fixed amount to you, the Maid of Honor, and then you pay for everything with that money. Some guests may refuse, but most people will understand. Be sure to explain exactly what the money will be spent on. Instead of "for the Bachelorette Party," let them know the money is for the Bride's drinks, meal, limo, cake, decorations, and so forth. The more specific you are, the better received your request for donations will be.

http://www.maid-of-honor.net/index.php?url=bachelorette&a...

That was the site I found it on.

Your friend might be asking if you want to be prettied up with the party because your children are in it and maybe she feels a little guilt about not having you in it also, I really don't know but just a thought.

2 moms found this helpful

I am familiar with the term "Bridezilla", and I have known several of them...it's weird how your best friends can change like that over just ONE day! Its nice that they return to normal after the wedding, though. Your friend is probably trying to make sure that her wedding is PERFECT (we all want that, right?) and is just not understanding that she can't control everything...it seems weird that she is trying to pick your hair color and make up. Did she forget that you aren't a bridesmaid? Hang in there...she will not be like this forever!

To answer your other question, YES, I think it is rude to expect the guests to pay to come to the bachelorette party! Especially almost $100! I wouldn't go if that invitation were sent to me. I couldn't afford it! Maybe some people will be fine with paying, but I bet most will be unhappy about it. It will probably turn some people away who can't afford to pay, but who would have liked to have been there otherwise. I have hosted a bachelorette party, and I have been to several, and the hostesses have always paid. When I hosted, it was with a few other friends, and we divided the cost of the stripper, drinks, etc. among the three of us. We didn't charge the guests. It can be expensive, so I suggest cutting back on some of the entertainment, like maybe the limo.

1 mom found this helpful

I was in the same boat as you a friend I have known for many years (we were inseperable) got married a few years ago and I wasn't apart of anything except for the invitation to the wedding, however I still had fun and I was happy for her because if you were a true friend you will get over it. For my bachelorette party we had the party started at the house of my friends had a few drinks there the stripper and they had an outfit for me so I did stick out as a sore thumb. We went downtown to a resturaunt/ pool hall depending where you were sitting. Then the clubs were in walking distance. We had my fiance at the time drop us off and pick us up because we switched week ends to celebrate.But if you can see if you could find a party bus ( which is cheaper than a limo) or a neytral friend to be a designated driver or can come get you. The price that your looking at for everyone to bring I took one of my friends a party of 10 to vegas for less than what the cost of this. personally I would be honest with everyone and just tell them how you feel. They came to you for help not you asking. I hope this helps and gl.

1 mom found this helpful

I think it is completely acceptable these days to pay for yourself to attend a bachelorette party. If you are truly a friend of the bride then you are quite happy to pay for yourself. Yes the organizing of the hen party is usually done by the chief bridesmaid/ maid of honor, but everyone pays for themselves and splits the cost for the bride between them. That is how we have done it in England as far back as I can remember, I haven't been to any here in the U.S. so I have nothing to compare to. It does sound that the party is getting out of hand, but I feel that is the nature of today, hen parties have to be bigger and better than the previous friends!!
Why not itemize everything in an email with a final cost. Ask if people are willing to pay this. I think you will find that most people have not thought the cost through and things will get knocked off the list.
Those who you think are good friends often surprise us, if you are not in their here and now circle then they often don't include you in the immediate plans, but because you have been friends for a long time still want to include you in some way. Are you the only one who has children or married? Some people have a hard time having someone who is married or has children as a bridesmaid, that could be issues she is having but doesn't want to hurt your feelings so thought that asking your children to be part of the party would be okay.
Not to sound rude but maybe your friend feels that you may need a bit of a makeover/update. Sometimes we don't see changes in ourselves or how we have let ourselves go as we are too busy and our husbands are too nice to say anything, as they love us just the way we are.
Just some suggestions.

1 mom found this helpful

I had a really good friend that I did not ask to be in my wedding because I had to ask people in my family first and could only have four bridesmaids. She was really hurt and it was really akward. My advice, just go with it. If you don't want to pay for the party, just make up an excuse and try to be as supportive of the bride as possible. She is probably already feeling guilty about it and is really stressed out. Its not worth making a big fuss about it.

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As far as being upset about not being in the wedding party, well, it really says a lot that your "friend" of 16 years did not ask you. I would say she doesn't hold your friendship on as high a pedestal as you may. The reason for having a Maid of Honor and Bride's Maids is an understanding that the bride will always have those women in her life to lean on and support her. They are the women she should be able to turn to, to help keep her on track. I don't mean to gossip about her husband to. I mean they are the people who can sense when something is wrong and hug her, or give her help in fixing whatever is wrong. It also sounds like she cares more of what her wedding will "look" like than what a wedding really means. I personally, would not even consider being a part of the bachelorette party for several reasons. The first being that as a wife and mother, I believe it is pretty disgusting to gawk at a stripper with a bunch of other women. I don't think you would appreciate your husband going to a strip club either. That's just my moral opinion. As far as the money goes, I would be in the same shoes as you, so I think I would call up my girlfriend and in the nicest way possible tell her that I really can't afford the cost of the party, and think it is rude to ask people to come to a party that they all have to pay for. Maybe then suggest hosting a fun night of finger foods, drinks, and games at your home, and send your husband and kids out for a few hours for some fun. Myself, I never understood the idea of getting drunk, looking at half naked men, and acting like immature, out of control girls the night before your wedding. If your suggestion doesn't sound appealing to your "friend", you may want to think about how good a friend she really is, and if you are just someone she is using. After all, your kids are in the wedding, but not you. Does she not know any other people with kids? Just a thought. I don't have one friend that would even think of putting me in the position you are in, and definitely none that would tell me what color my hair should be for the wedding. I might have even said at that point, "you are being a little obsessive about how your wedding guests will look, is something on your mind that you need to talk about." Sometimes these "bridezillas" need a slap in the face, figuratively speaking of course, even though you may have the urge to really smack her. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Uh WOW! Geesh, I'm almost speechless, lol. I'm so sorry! I am maid of honor (for the first time)for my sister who is getting married in July and was just stressing on the bridal shower I have to throw her. (and actually was considering posting a question about it) My sister is the opposite with not enough input LOL. I'm blow away at what is being asked of you and how right you are about the party being out of control! I personally don't think you should be pressured to do so much not being asked to be part of the wedding party. However understand your want to help out which shouldve been more gracefully asked for in a lot less of a pressured manner - meaning if they want you to help out ok, but you should not be expected to do all the dirty work or put up with insanity! I felt kinda bad for having to ask one of the brides maids to help out just a little. I haven't been to a bachelorette party either, I myself had a bridle shower. (nothing big but personal and nice) But I'm with you I don't think its appropriate to ask so much $ if any of the guests no ones going to come! You should find some tactful way to tell the brides maids that you don't think its appropriate and some people may not be able to attend if you ask them to pay so much. As far as your friend bridezilla you should find a way to speak with her too, your hair!?! LOL! What does she care what color your hair is, especially if she isn't even going to have you in the wedding and even if you were that would be really rude! And mention while your at it that she does need to let you know about what shes thinking for your kids... You may mention something to the effect of she'll miss her whole wedding stressing out on the little details that she will feel like she missed it and regret it. Also the more details and specifications set forth the more chance for a major blooper during the wedding. Sorry that I don't have much advice for you good luck!!
S.

1 mom found this helpful

You are holding your composure very well. It is not polite to ask for money for a bachelorette party. Who is throwing the party? If you are just to help they need to understand that if you throw a party, then it is up to them for paying for it. I have never been to a bachelorette party where I had to pay. Now of course people do pay for their own drinks, but not for the limo (if that is what THEY want to do). Maybe if you could just say leave it as an option when people rsvp. If they want to have transportation to and from the clubs then they can pay, if not then they can drive themselves. I want to say soo much but I know I do not have all the details. My cousin planed my party when I was married and we did not spend that much. The decision to have the stripper, limo, and food is the decision of the party planner. If anyone would like to help out with the bills than leave it up to them, but to put a per person price on the invitations is no doubt RUDE.

Now, when it comes to your appearance there should not be a reason for you to have to change your hair color. It is not right for her to say this. You are your own person and no one should ask you to do something for your appearance. They should accept you for who you are. I do not understand the reasoning for this at all. Maybe ask her if she is asking everyone to change their hair color! And if so what is the point! I am curious, :( Sorry, I have no good opinions about this one. You are in a tough spot.

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