Bachelorette Party and Wedding

J.

I think you should go to the party because it it the right thing to do...I think that you know that from the tone of your request. Just really try to reign it in while you are out. Cheapest entree, drinks, etc. Don't be afraid to tell whoever is organizing the party and also your friend that you are not in the financial situation to go all out that night but you really want to be there.

LOVE the idea another person gave you to blow up the wedding invitation for the guests to sigm. If not this you could do the same with a nice photo of the couple and get one of those frames where there is a large mat area to sign. Whatever you do I would not give her the $100 for the wedding present because you cannot afford it at this time.

Good luck with everythng.

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Hi J.. I'm three weeks away from my own wedding so I can understand how your friend might overlook what you're going through. I've also been in your shoes recently with having to cut back. We were supposed to go to Ireland for one of our best friends' weddings and my fiance's truck died. We decided on buying a new truck instead of going to Ireland. Our friends totally understood our situation. We ended up giving our gift after the wedding when we had more money to spend. I'm not sure I understand why you feel that you need to give them $100 for their gift. You could check out their registry if they have one and then look for a piece that you can find at a different store cheaper. I've done that. Or you could check if the store has an outlet store and buy something from there. It doesn't matter what the gift is, or how much it costs. The fact that you came to the wedding and gave what you could will be what matters to your friend. Especially if you tell her what's going on. My advice on the bachelorette party is to tell her you can't afford to go out for the dinner and drinks and either meet up with them near the end of drinks to have just one with her and then attend the sleepover part or just attend the sleepover. My bachelorette party is this weekend and it's an at home spa/sleep over party. We'll be giving each other facials and painting our nails and watching wedding themed movies. I hope it all works out well for you.

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If she is not concerned about your situation, maybe she is not that good a friend? Or maybe she is just wrapped up in the wedding, and really doesn't know what you are going through. I would be honest and tell her your situation. If she is a real friend, she will understand.

Why do you have to give her a $100 gift? You have to put your daughter first, and if that places a severe financial burden on you, then don't do it. Again, your friend should understand.

Tell her you would like to celebrate her wedding, and come up with a plan to do it with her in a less expensive way. I liked the idea of inviting her over to dinner.

If you would want to go to the party, if you had the money, then tell her you would like to attend, but cannot afford a gift or to spend any money while there, and maybe she will say, oh just come and have a good time, and it won't cost you a thing, I will take care of it.

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I'm so sorry to hear that you are losing your job. We just went through this with my husband, but he contacted everybody he knew, went on about 6 interviews, and landed a job in 1 month. He had to switch careers (get the heck out of banking), but it was worth it. Good luck with your job search, and even though it's awful, talk about it with as many people as you can because people will rally around you and help you out.

That being said, if she is a great friend, then just talk to her. It sounds like she has no idea how much this is bothering you, especially with the job situation. You can talk to the organizer and say that you talked to the bride and are coming because you love her so much but as you have an impending lay off, you cannot contribute to the bills that night. Order an appetizer, drink water at the bars, have fun at the sleepover! You may be glad you went...especially after you clear the air with your good friend.

good luck!!!!!!!!!!

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I think you need to be honest with her. She is really caught up in her own world right now, which is completely understandable, so she's not really in tune with what's going on with you. When I got married, 9 years ago, we never 'exepcted' any minimum gift. We got as little as $20 for a gift, which was much appreciated b/c we knew it was all they could afford and were happy they took the time to come. If she is a true friend, she will understand and together you can come up with a plan for your involvement that won't cost you any additional money. Good luck.

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This is super easy to handle. You can skip the dinner or eat an starter when you go out. You don't have to drink alcohol at any or all of the locations of the evening. You can be the DD and drink soda. Let the bartender know that your DD and you might even get free soda that night. You could even skip that and have them call on the way back to the sleep over portion.

Why do you feel that you have to give $100 as a wedding present? You can't afford it!!! Go get a nice inexpensive present and wrap it up baby!

AS for the pther stuff.....put your resume on Monster and every other place that you can! Be proactive! I'm not trying to be rude but you sound like you are letting the fear of the future paralize you. As for Christmas, start buying gifts now. A child doesn't need 20 gifts to feel loved at Christmas. Buy things that she will need with a few toys thrown in. Gently let relatives know what bigger items she wants for Christmas. If you choose to get your relatives presents.... Christmas towels and mitt sets are inexpensive and everyone can always use them. Or you can make then a gift.

As for birthday parties, have them at home and do it simple. Let some girls sleep over (I don't recall your daughter agee bing mentioned) or have some friends over to play and watch a movie. Make personal pizzas out of English muffins or bagels . Serve salad or fruit salad along with a home made(or store bought) cake. Don't stress about it.

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It would be nice for you to make an appearance - but I would have used the short notice as my reason for not knowing if you can attend the entire party (you had already made other plans) - then you can leave if things start to cost too much, or you aren't having a good time.

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I was in a similar situation 3yrs ago. She was my best friend since the 5th grade. I told her the truth. She completely understood my situation. I would skip dinner and drinks and meet for the sleep over. That way you are missing the big expense but spending the quality time. Bring stuff for breakfast such as muffins and donuts. As a wedding gift goes do something personal. I went to a little boutique and bought a old hanky in which new lace and designs were added to it. The designs were blue. Then I wrote a personal message about the old is like our friendship the new is like the new life she is about to engage in and give it to her before the wedding. If she is truely a friend she will understand. My friends family understood so much they helped pay for my bridesmaid dress. Friends just want you to be a part of their big day. Be honest and you will learn just how good of a friend you have. Another wedding gift idea I bought my sister a frame from kirklands and put their engagement picture in the middle and all the guest signed around it. The frame was beautiful and only cost $25.

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Why do you have to give her a $100.00? I would just explain to her that you can't make it to the party and give her an gift from the heart- like a picture of her and her new husband and put it in a very nice frame.
jade

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You have no obligation to go to this bachelorette party. And why do you have to spend $100 for the wedding gift? I would say in your financial situation, you should let your friend know how you feel and that you really don't have the money to go to the party. If she is a true friend, she will understand and won't be mad. If I were you, I would just give her a card for the wedding. You obviously don't have the money right now to be buying gifts. You have to think about you and your daughter and your necessities, not little extras.

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I totally relate to your situation. My husband lost his job two months ago, and things are indeed tight. My advice is to be honest with her--tell her that you have chosen a wedding gift for her, and with your impending unemployment situation, you cannot afford to go out and spend additional money at this time and do both. Another option would be to join everyone later at the sleep over (if it is at someone's house) and take a "midnight snack" (like brownies) for everyone to munch on! If she is a true friend, she will understand! Everyone these days is feeling the financial pinch--it's tough out there! That being said, have faith in God and do not worry about where you are going to find another job, etc. Things always happen for a reason and always have a way of working out! You will be able to collect unemployment, you will adjust your finances accordingly, and things will be fine! I know, because we have been down this road before, and it always works out! Don't lose any more sleep!

Just as a side note--I have been a stay-at-home mom and Pampered Chef Consultant for over 13 years--even through my husband's unemployment! If you would be interested in any information on this, please visit my website, www.pamperedchef.biz/chriscatleyskitchen. You can make great money on your terms and around your life commitments! I make enough EVERY MONTH to make the mortgage payment AND the car payment!

Keep your chin up, and best of luck!

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Be Honest! If she's a reall friend she will understand.

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I wouldn't go to the party. The wedding yes but not the party. Just tell her you can't afford it. If she is a good friend , she will understand.

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Can you find a compromise about the bachelorette party?

like tell her you can join her for dinner but not the drinking and sleepover. maybe you could bring doughnuts for breakfast or something. be part of it but not all of it.

Make something up if you want, but I think if this is a true friend and she knows you are losing your job, you can come right out and tell her you don't have the cash to take away from your daughter, but that you will do all you can to support her in a non-monetary way. Or say, look, i have $500 and that is all in my budget and it has to cover, the dress, the present, your hair etc etc and ask her to choose what she wants you to do, a cheaper dress and the party or no present but nice hair etc etc. She can't have both.

this is super tough, i just hope she really is a good friend to you, because then none of this will matter.

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If she is a true friend, I would think that you could be honest with her and she would understand. Even in times of stress or focus on their own lives, your friends need to be there for you too. If you read your letter again, I think you find your own answers - you know that your first responsibility is to your family and little girl. With the part about her not being concerned about your situation, it seems that you are already heading in that direction, but feeling guilty about the possibility of letting her down.

I say, be honest and true to yourself, and it will work out for the best.

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Good Morning J.!
That is definitely a very scary situation that you are in- what a shame! I would be perfectly honest with your friend about your entire situation. If she doesn't understand about your $$ concerns &/or gets upset, then she isn't that good of friend to begin with.
No, no, no on the credit card use for the party- don't get yourself in debt over this wedding/party. I know you said she only has 2 family members coming- perhaps no one else can afford such an "outing" either?? Yes, she was your maid of honor- but your situation has changed- your not obligated because she was in your wedding.
As far as $100 gift, I think that is a lot...not sure what your gift idea is, but I'm sure you could find a nice gift for less $. When I got married I must say, my favorite gift was a decorated wooden wall plaque with our last name & the date...tis the season for fall festivals & artsy gift ideas! ;) As far as you & your daughters b'days, you don't need to spend a lot of money to have a great time. Our financial future is a very scary thing indeed these days- even if you do have a job! Just think of yourself & make yourself happy- I'm sure once you talk to your friend & explain- it will be like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. ;)
Good luck & Have a Good Day! J.

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J.,
Since you know that times will be tight, my advice is to go and have fun before you will have to really cut back. I know you are starting now, but look for that loose change or emergency money and go and have a good time. In 2001 my bf was getting married and I was getting divorced....lol. I had no money and had maybe $20.00 to spend at her party in Harrisburg on Front street. I got a ceasar chix salad at dinner with water and when we went to the clubs I bought her a drink and nursed my 2 beers (yuck beer but it was the cheapest thing) all night. I did not have fun, but she did and that is what mattered to me the most. Plus I didn't have a hangover the next day and I wasn't sorry to have spent that $20.00!
Good luck and don't take it personal that she may not think about your situation, she is getting married and is probably just focusing ont that!
Good luck
Christina

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I am so sorry for your situation. My family, too, is nearing a financial crisis, and the stress that puts on you is horrible. Then Christmas is right around the corner, I also have a December birthday child, and several Dec. birthdays in our immediate family! As far as the party, I don't even see how you would be able to go and enjoy yourself. You will be adding up every single drink, etc in your head...worrying about the cost. I also don't think that you could go and enjoy yourself even after being totally honest with your friend.....I'd not be able to go and have others pay my way as well as the brides. I'd feel uncomfortable with that, and I'm sure the other women going would not appreciate paying for someone else...if that makes sense? I think you should either talk to your friend, and just come clean and tell her that you are just facing financial rock bottom and as much as you'd like to do it, you just can not afford to come. She may act like she understands? but will still be resentful? depending on how good of a friend she is? I take it, you can't use the "very short notice" as a reason not to go? Or, this is horrible, but you could always call the day of the party and tell whoever is hosting it that your daughter is sick that day and you can't go out? that way you can avoid hurt feelings....and get out of the party. Also...I would not give the $100 cash as a wedding gift! Considering that you need to save what you can for when your job ends...and you should save anything left on your credit cards for a true emergency......what about going to Costco, or Sams...maybe TJ Max...one of those types of stores and getting a gift for your friend...something for their home? I still have beautiful crystal vases that people gave me for my wedding, that probably cost all of $30? and I still use them, they are very attractive. But, I think if you shop around a little at those types of stores, you can get something for under $40 that looks like you spent a little bit more. Good luck with your decision, and your upcoming job change. Concentrate on your family and don't pressure yourself by worrying about others...if they are true friends, they will understand your situation.

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Hi,
I think that you should be totally honest with her and let her know that you are not financially able to attend the party or give a wedding gift. You don't have to go into details as to why if you don't want to. Your first priority is to take care of you family. Everything else is seconday. If she's not understanding of that then she's not really a friend.

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You need to truthful and honest with your friend. She will be more hurt if you come and have a bad time than if you are honest.

Good luck,
A.

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J.,

I'm so sorry about your situation - the timing is horrible and i hope that you are able to find another position quickly. We are in really rough times right now and i think we are all feeling a tight crunch to save funds - for the basic staples of life. I have two suggestions - 1) who is throwing the bachelorett party this weekend? Can you call/email them and tell them that you are unable to financially share the cost of the weekend - however you would still like to come but pay for your own (order small app and no drinks). Or 2) be honest with your friend. Tell her that you would LOVE to come however can't afford it. If she is really a true friend she would understand.

Don't put things on your credit card - save that for the real stuff (car breaks down, emergency). With the finanical market the way it is right now - excess spending is not ideal.

Best of Luck!
J.

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J. C, Do Not go to the party. You are in no mood to go and will only end up regretting and resenting her, the money and the party. Explain to her that you are SOOOO happy she is getting married, but right now you just don't have it in you to go to her bachelorett party and have any fun at all. Tell her when things ease up and are back on track the two of you will have a "night out on the town".

You have to put things in perspective for yourself first. What are your priorities? What is REALLY important RIGHT now? Take care of the important stuff and let the rest go. If she is truly a good friend she'll understand.

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It is probably not the politically correct thing to do, or even to advise you to do, but this is what I would do. You say you have not even been feeling well and loosing sleep. Well just call her and tell her you are sick and won't be able to make it. Apoligize and tell her that she means a lot to you and you would be there if you could, but you just can not. It is not a total lie and you will not be making her feel sad or guilty for not paying more attention to your money troubles during her "happy" wedding times. Also I think maybe you could give her a personal less expensive gift for her wedding, since she is a good friend. And if she is a good friend, she will love it and understand that you can not afford to give her $100.00. Again I probably should not be advising you to strech the truth with your friend, it is just what I would probably do. Best of luck and I am sorry to hear about your job. I hope you are able to find another soon.

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Well for the party, u can go out and not spend alot of money. When i was planning my wedding, i didn't ask my one friend to be in the wedding, because i knew that she didn't have the money to put out foe the dress. Well she was upset with me that i didn't ask her. Even thou I was taking in that she was tight for money.

As for the party. Step out for the dinner, Now where dose it say that u have to go drinking and sleep out. It should be the thought that u are there. Not that u put out a lot of money for anything.

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You got lots of responses on both sides.My suggestion is go to the party.Relax and enjoy it,it doesn't have to be a big expense.You can drink water or one glass of wine.The meal doesn't have to be something expensive.Where is the sleepover? Is it at someone's home or a hotel? If a hotel,simply explain you can't sleep but will be there for the rest of the festivities.

Spend what you can on the gift,or offer a service for something.Does she have a child you can babysit? How about offer to clean her apartment or house? be creative in thinking of what you can offer her,doesn't have to cost a lot.

As for losing your job,get looking now.Don't wait until Christmas when that is a bad time of year to look.However,also look at your work expenses,perhaps you don't really take home as much money as you think.Can you afford to stay home or work at home ? Here is a link to MacGregor’s cost of living chart that uses a second salary of $40,000 as an example: http://cnnfn.com/1999/02/22/life/q_income/chart.jpg

I work from home and make a difference fincially,and have added tax savings from a home business,that I work with my kids by my side.It is a low start up cost,and risk free.Want to know more,go to my website, www.LiveYourDreamsAtHome.com
S.

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Well J....You should have a lot of time to find a new job. There are a lot of people hiring.

Go to the party. You can easily get a meal for under $10 and drink water w/lemon. If someone asks tell them you are watching your waistline.

Never use a credit card. If you must you better pay the balance off the next month. That can cause a whole new set of issues if you are charging and not paying if off.

Go to:
www.daveramsey.com
There he will help you get your budget and other money issues under wrap. You can hear him on the am radio or watch him on fox business news. The library carries the books as well.

Once you get your budget under foot then you can decided how much you can afford on events and such in the future.

Good Luck,
M.

Be totally honest with your friend. Call her up and say you need to level with her about this. Let her know you want her to have the best time of her life, and you will be there for her, but you are not able to pay for any of this right now due to your employment situation. Tell her you feel awful, since she was your maid of honor, but in order to attend ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE, you are using your credit card, and therefore you have to give her the $100 gift later. (Not sure where the mandatory gift comes in?)
Then clear your conscience. It's human nature to expect everything from everyone for a wedding, so she may get annoyed (but maybe not), but you'll know you've done everything you can do.

Just be honest a supportive as you already are by understanding why she isn't sympathetic to you right now. Be the life of the party and take the burden off your friend, take pictures etc and make sure everyone is having fun, but don't apologize more than once for not paying more than you can, and STICK TO YOUR BUDGET on the card, like your room and board only-don't take on rounds of drinks etc. If you have the time or the willpower, make some sort of tribute to your friendship-crazy scrap book etc. This will mean a lot to her and be an awesome gift. All of this will pass in a blur and turn out better than you think. Don't worry-good luck!