Babysitting Grandkids.

Eh, I'm the mom who's parents rarely watch my kids. They are in their late 50's and both still work full-time, so I know they are busy, but if I ask for help it's normally a no. I think if a Grandparent CAN help, they should. You may not be looking forward to it, but would you rather pay their bills? It's a horrible economy and if he's trying to get work to provide for his family I think you should help.

Just my two cents.

There is a BIG difference in this age range. If you can take on ONE of the kids do so. I would take a 5 year old ove an 18 month old anyday--but not both!

If it were me - I'd decide what **I** want to do, and then go from there.

But you asked what we think you should do...

I think you should try it.

Have a talk with son - you're 65, it's exhausting, have a backup plan...BUT you'll do it for 2 weeks. Over those 2 weeks (4 days), see if you can get your baby grove back. See if you can get a schedule. See if it becomes a little easier once the kids are at the "babysitters" house instead of "granny's" house.

If it doesn't work, then you'll know that a) you tried; and b) whether you could commit to one day per week, or none.

But you'll know that you gave it your best, and that, my friend is the only thing that matters in this world - can you live with your decisions.

Totally your call.
If there's O. thing I cannot stand it's parents who act like it their parents privilege to babysit! Like it's expected.

If you want to--do! I'm sure they appreciate it.

If you don't want to--tell them asap so they can make other arrangements.

Most bad feelings and misunderstanding are caused by unexpressed or misunderstood expectations! So---speak up!

You might say that "I can do this twice a week through the end of May, but after that I cannot commit." or "Wow...this is WAY harder than I thought it would be. I think you need to find other arrangements very soon."

I'm sure there will be those that disagree with me, but I am a gramma who is going to tell you not to feel guilty if you can't commit, you have to think of how this will affect you. I am almost 59, have fibromyalgia and took on raising my youngest grandchild almost 3 years ago. I don't and won't complain when I hurt or am exhausted because I chose to do it (he had just lost his mommy, my daughter, and had lost his dad before he was born.) But I am there with you, I thought my days of child-rearing were over. There are days I can hardly get out of bed, and if it weren't for him I wouldn't, he is my motivation. We lost my Dad a little over 2 months ago and my little guy helps me to see that life goes on, he is my sunshine : )

But, it is hard work to care for a toddler and young school age child, even a 25 year old would get exhausted at times, so don't feel guilty. And how will school be handled, will you need to drop off and pick up? There's things you may not be thinking of right now that will crop up, can you handle them?

Be honest and upfront and tell your son that you will try it for say, 2 to 4 weeks, to see how it goes and then go from there? If it's easier for you to care for your grandchildren in your home than travel to theirs tell your son he needs to bring them to you and pick them up. And, arrange for him to trade some of his landscaping abilities in exchange for your babysitting, he will appreciate what you're doing for him more : )

B.- Don't feel guilty! It is not your responsibility to watch your grandkids. I think you should be upfront with your son and tell him that you can help out now and then, (if you want). But you do not want to be relied on for permanent daycare. My MIL watches my 5 year old D every other Friday night for a date night. And on occasion for an appointment, etc. My D loves it. And so do her grandparents. I would never impose upon them to watch my D if they did not want to. This seems to be the right amount that it's fun and not work! I think when children make their parents feel obligated to provide care for THEIR children, it's not right and causes bad feelings. Good Luck.

If you're not looking forward to it, then don't do it. But if you want to do it for a trial period, be honest about your reservations, and up front with your son that he needs to find a permanent arrangement.
If you do this, you need to create structure to your day - similar to what the kids would experience at another babysitter or daycare. I know my mom is exhausted after a few hours with my 14 month old and 4.5 year old, because she's engaged the entire time without a break, and she feels she has to constantly come up with new funny activities to entertain them. It'll be tricky to come up with age appropriate activities for both kids, so you'll need to do a lot of planning ahead of time. I think it's important to note that not every moment needs to feel like disneyland, just because it's with Grandma! Kids respond well to an expected routine, repetitive traditions that they learn to associate with people in their lives - it doesn't always have to be crazy & exciting. The books "Toddler Busy Book" and the "Preschooler's Busy Book" have a ton of ideas that are easy to set up & age appropriate.
Lay down the law right away with a scheduled program. Write it down on a chart so the kids can see it, and you can refer to it to manage transitions:
8:30-9 - read a few books; talk about the weather, calendar
9-9:30 - a "preschool" activity - you can download a lot of things online, but you could do writing exercises, quantity exercises (measuring, counting, collecting things, etc.)
9:30-10 - wash hands, snack time at the table, clean up
10-12 - take them for a walk in the neighborhood to a nearby playground or park
12-12:30 - wash hands, lunch at the table, cleanup, get nap areas ready, quiet time
12:30-3 - NAP! or quiet time, or maybe a special big kid activity for the 5 year old
3-3:30 - snack at the table, cleanup
3:30-4 - craft (coloring, glue & paper plates, stickers), or maybe a baking activity, etc.
4-4:30 - playtime
It might take a week for the kids to get used to this, but I think if you set up your program with some structure, the kids will know what to expect, it won't be a free-for-all of chaotic play time. It'll be easier for you to plan a set of activities that they can do together.

I can answer this from my personal experience; take it for what you will. When my second child was born, my parents began asking us to move to be closer to them so they could see their grandchildren more often (we had lived about 3 hours away). We uprooted our entire lives and careers, deciding family was more important, and moved within a few miles of my parents. My kids were 4 and 1 at the time, and my husband and I were working full-time. My mom was not working at the time (retired). It would have been so, so wonderful had she offered us day care even 1 day a week, or watched the kids on a weekend evening from time to time. I can tell you, it almost never happened. Even when my husband lost his job and had to start a whole new career from the ground up (read: he made $75K less per year than he had been), and we were struggling to make ends meet... nothing. No child care. Although I understand that my parents were not and are not obligated to watch my children, it was deeply upsetting that they were unwilling to step into the breach even temporarily to help us out. I have always done what I could do be a good, helpful daughter and a credit to my parents, and I felt, reasonably or unreasonably, that they just didn't care to prioritize me or their grandchildren. Don't get me wrong, I know they love us, but actions do speak louder than words.

So... I know it was tiring to take care of your grandchildren today. But it sounds like you are truly in a position to help your son get back on his feet again. I imagine his finances are extremely tight, what with having been unemployed. Child care for infants especially is so expensive. I am sure anything you can do to help him would be appreciated, not just now but when he looks back on it in the future.

I understand totally about not wanting to go back! I am a grandma and now I find myself raising a granddaughter. Like you, I thought the days of homework were over!

If I were you, I would give it a try. You might find that it gets easier. Then again, maybe it won't. Give it a try and if you're still not happy after say 2 weeks, let your son know that you are just not physically up to chasing after an 18 mo. old or keeping up a running conversation with a five year old for a full day. See if they can find someone who can do it for the 2 full days, or even just one full day or 2 half days or something to give you a break.

Like you, I just want to be the grandma (not the mom; not the babysitter)!

I am thankful to have grandparents that would drop anything, do anything, and work their nuckles to the bone for grandkids. But, not everyone can or wants to be that kind of grandparent. Honestly, I'd go ahead and let your reservations be know without saying yes or no. Just say, I love them and I'm willing do watch them x times per months, but I'm really feeling too old for this. Its okay not to let your kids use you in a way you are not up for. If you state your reservations, your son may develop a more realistic approach to grandparent babysitting. He may be under the false assumption that you dig it and he may also be oblivious to how hard it is. He may think you would jump at the chance. Time to lay your cards on the table. Honesty is always the best policy.

Why don't you suggest 1/2 days. Just tell him, all day is too long for you physically.

Is your son hardworking and always has been or he keeps getting himself into binds? I think that's part of the equation. Are you otherwise completely retired? That's also a big factor. If you are, then 2 days of work vs 5 days "off". I completely agree that a day like that is exhausting. And I know I don't want to be a constant babysitter when I'm a grandparent. I do see a lot of grandparents who do that though. There was one grandmother from Russia I used to see all the time and she was actually the child's great great grandmother. She had that kid all the time, every single day and it was amazing. I see another grandmother who must have one leg shorter than the other as she really limps who babysits all day every day as well. You will get used to it but i think the other factors come into play. My BIL is 65 and works full time still and on weekends is out in their fields working as well. His youngest kid is 8. 65 isn't that old... So if your son has been a good kid, I'd try it at least for awhile.

ETA: can you afford to pay a babysitter one day yourself in lieu of you doing it?...

Anyway you can agree to compromise to do one day a week, so he can find someone else for the other day,until he can find a permanent caregiver? I know childcare is very expensive, but it is also exhausting. But then, these are your grandkids in a tough bind. I know many grandparents who babysit their grandkids on a regular basis.

You do what you feel is best for you and your grandchildren. If he is hardworking and you are able, than I think you should try and help out as much as you can. If he's a moocher that takes advantage of you and you have some health issues and can't physically do it, than you should help a little if possible and perhaps help him find alternative care.

You can always give it a try, but let him know that is what it is, a temporary solution until you decide if you can.

I am always grateful when my dad watches my kids for me but if he said no I would completely understand. He is 82, my kids ask wayyyyy too many questions. Still he seems to love watching them but if I thought he was in over his head or he told me I would not only be finding someone else but also looking into whether he needs help.

Granted my kids are older and can stay home by themselves but get bored.

Still even when they were little my father's happiness was worth a heck of a lot more than money.

Hum, so what to do, tell them you are not sure. Tell them you are going to try but you think you may be in over your head. They will, hopefully, be appreciative with the heads up.

Tell him no. I am a grandparent and my daughter sometimes acts like I am a free for all babysitter. I love my grandkids but want my weekends to myself. Tell your son he will have to find a sitter.

Beth F had a good answer - most "kids" don't see their parents as mature as they are. In his head, your his young mom and he may not realize how exhausted you get. Just be honest that it's not about not wanting to, but that you're not physically capable.

Hi B.,

I know you already have lots of answers to your question, but I was quite surprised at them, so just wanted to give the other side. I am blessed to live about 20 minutes away from both my mom (age 62) and my mother-in-law (age 69) and equally blessed that they help take care of my children, ages 3 and 4 months.

They each have one day when they come and help me in whatever way they can. When it was just my 3 year old, they came when I had to work (part-time, which I am no longer doing) and now with our baby, they usually come to take care of my eldest while I tend to the baby. Once in a while, they watch both kids, but only for a few hours. I know they are sacrificing their time to do this and it can be hard to carve out this time every week year after year, but I also know that they love the time they spend with their grandchildren. If they ever have to miss a day, they always find another day when they can come to make up for it.

I think they are many things you need to take into consideration in your situation, if you feel well enough to do it that your health is good, and if your son is approaching the subject in a respectful and appreciative manner, for example.

As you said in your update, you're willing to give it a try, which I think is great. Maybe like someone else suggested you can do one day and he can find someone else for the other? I really hope it works out and that you end up loving the time you spend with them. There are lots of grandparents who watch their grandchildren full-time and love it and others who would rather not have much involvement. Maybe you just need to see what fits you. As someone who has benefited so much from grandparents' help and who sees just how much my children LOVE their grandparents, I hope that it will work out for you, too.

Take care and good luck!

Additional considerations: I just got completed my role as sole caregiver for 7 years for my mother with Alzheimers disease. Before that, my teenage daughter lived with us for 6 years with her baby and much of this child's care was required of me. It is time to take a break from this and as much as I hate to say NO, I have decided that this word needs to be in my volcabulary at this time. Enough is enough. Thanks for all your input. Everybody's situation is different.

Okay - I'm just going to say this: It's not your job to raise his kids even if times are tough. He is going to have to find alternate care. You cannot do it. You don't want to be resentful. It's not worth the exhaustion.
It's okay to say No.
I hope you do say No.
I would tell him that if he got really stuck, you might be able to fill in now and then. Remind him that you raised your kids and you have your own life now. He and his spouse had these children and he's just going to have to figure it out.
YMMV
LBC

Do what you feel you can handle and enjoy.

If you can't do it, don't. You already resent it and the main work hasn't begun. Your son needs to find someone to provide day care. I know it's a financial burden. If you have some funds, perhaps you could help contribute toward that? Otherwise perhaps he can find someone to trade days with? Not sure if he's only working the 2 days a week that he needs you, or if he has other arrangements on those days. If he watched someone else's kids on other days, maybe they could take his kids on the days you mention? Or maybe he can provide landscaping work to someone in exchange for child care? Are there other family members who can help out, either taking half the day with you, or spending the entire day so there are at least 2 adults?