Baby Won't Sleep in the Crib Only in Bed with Us!

J.,

I hear you. We went through the same thing, but we waited until DD was over a year to try to fix it!!! The sooner the better for all of you.

Just so you know my background, we tried the "no-cry" sleep method first. It seemed to make some improvements b/c we felt more in control and able to find out what was and wasn't really a problem, and I learned how to understands her cues. But the problems were still there...no sleep without the breast and/or cuddling. I was SO exhausted b/c even in our bed, she would pull my hair and toss and turn and then cry if mu boob wasn't hanging out! I read the no-cry sleep solution one more time and realized that she does emphasize the some children may cry as a result of this method, and that it was okay

Through my better understanding of her sleep cycle and the psychology behind bedtime and night waking routines, we decided on a simple solution where we all won: We would have our routine (dinner, bath, books, song) and I would nurse her with a small light on. I would turn the light off, get up and hold her by her crib for a minute, rocking or singing, whatever. Then I would lay her down tell her I loved her, good night, and I would be back (even if he doesn't really understand...he will). I really didn't have any hope that this would work, but I was desperate. We did what is called a modified CIO, where you wait 3 minutes, go in a give her some loving touch, but don't pick up, and only stay for up to 2 minutes. Then wait 5, and do the same thing, then 5, then 10 10 10 the rest of the night. It only took us about 30 minutes of this b/c it's like saying "I am going to go, but if you really need me, I will be here" The next night you start with 5, then 10 10 10, and then the next night you go 10, 15, 15 etc. It is going to take a few nights but you will find each night he will take less and less time, and the cries will quickly become less "sad".

I am not saying this is for everyone by any means, but I think that just straight crying it out is too hard for both parents and baby. This allows you to still go in a comfort him while helping him to understand that even when he can't see you, that you have not abandoned him. Our DD goes into her crib after nursing with her eyes open, and even sometimes says "kish" so i will give her a peck on the cheek...it's our routine and she likes it. I am SO happy that I finally got the courage to try it

One more thing on naps: They will follow, and aren't working b/c he is just exhausted. jsut keep up whatever is working for now, and once he gets nightime down, start to do the same thing with naps. After an hour of crying jsut stop and try later. Again...give it a few days before you say it's not working, at least 10 days. You are being a good mother because you are helping your child stay healthy by getting enough sleep

J., I hope that whatever you try turns out to be the solution for you! Get online and search modified cry it out for some other methods. Also know that sometimes you will have to start over, with whatever method you end up using...teething, sickness, vaccines, a late night, or a long trip, but just be confident and if it worked once it will probably work again.

We're all here for you! xoxox

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds like your baby likes so snuggle up to something.

When my husband is out of town, I have a stuffed bear I put in bed with me, the bed it warmer with the bear and I put a few pillows around me too.

Try a Teddy Bear - a nice soft one - that he can sleep with.

I don't tell my husband he has been replaced with a bear and some pillows. Actually, he is retired and when I get up in the morning I put some pillows around him and he sleeps very well.

D.
I'm 60 years old, been married to the same man for over 38 years, have two grown sons and one daughter-in-law.

try holding him in your arms while giving him a bottle and rocking him to sleep, wait until he falls deep asleep and lay him in his crib. When he wakes up, repeat the process. Don't put him in your bed because then he'll quickly figure out that if he crys long enough, you'll give in and put him in your bed.

I have suggested this to several mom's and as far as I know it works. Start out with your son in bed with you asleep. Move him to a pack and play that you have set up next to your side of the bed. If he wakes move him back to your bed. Then try again later that night or the next night. Eventually he'll stay in the pack and play asleep. Then after a few days start the whole process over with the pack and play to the crib. This is what I did with both my kids and it worked great.

Hi J.,
You said something very interesting...your baby is 9 months old. At 9 months babies begin to discover they are seperate from their mother. It's a tough time...I went through it with both of my boys. Our oldest would scream for 15 minutes exactly and then fall asleep. With our youngest...well, he'd scream forever! Hours. I finally just turned the monitor off and put a timer on (20 minutes, then would check on him if still crying, another 20 minutes, then 15, 10..you get the idea)He would eventually sleep. (Jake finally at 13 months decided to start sleeping through the night. He still gets up in the middle of the night twice a week...it's exhausting!)
good luck!

The hardest thing in my opinion to do is listen to your baby cry for an extended amount of time. With my third, nine months also, it was very easy up until recently to get him to go to sleep. We've never co-slept, b/c contrary to one of your responses it's not all that safe. If you have a seperate co sleeper near your bed that's a different story, but if you're a deep sleeper, or husband is please think twice about doing that. Your son seems to need the cuddling. Like other responses said, it's a very transitional time for your baby and he's missing you, try to cuddle with him for a bit after dinner. You could put a little plush toy in the crib that you spray a bit of your perfume of leave it by you for the day so it has your scent on it. I just stopped nursing b/c my son was pushing away and crying everytime we sat down to nurse and I took that as a cue that he was weaning himself, he's far too curious to be turned in towards me at this point (two older sisters will do that). He's been much crankier in the past two weeks since stopping though and I've thought often about trying to continue again, I honestly miss it and find that the hormones during breastfeeding are very beneficial to me! Some friendly advice, don't let your husband get back into the crib again, I think that the weight limit is something like 100 lbs, so not such a great idea :) I have a girlfriend that famous words were they won't be in my bed forever and why shouldn't I let them sleep with me, well now she's got two kids, 6 and 1.5 still sleeping in her bed. It's a choice as far as that's concerned, if you don't mind, so be it. We stick to a routine and if you do that for awhile then he should get used to it. There's nothing wrong with staying in his room until he's almost asleep, maybe if you play some music, or something with a lightshow may work. Lots of luck, I hope things get better.

I take my crib and take the one side off, and push it up against my bed between my bed and the wall. that works wonderful for us. that way everyone has room to wiggle and baby stays close to me. I love it!

try putting him down in the corner of the crib so that his arm or shoulder ( or even his feet) is touching the side. cribs are pretty big and scary for some babies.

Hi J.,
Boy does this sound familiar...! Our son isn't such a great sleeper either. I have had the unfortunate experience of being lectured by all of my co-workers about everything that I am doing wrong as a mom. I thought about just lying to them and saying that the baby started to sleep thru the night, but I think it's pretty obvious that I am still quite sleep deprived. Anyway, I figured I had been yelled at enough for my son's sleeping habits and I didn't want to bring it up at his 1 year check up. The topic came up anyway and I was surprised with the doctor's answer. She said it sounded like we were doing things right!! (Can you believe it?!?) She said it was ok if we didn't want to let him cry (I regret the times that I did let him cry it out, because that method just doesn't work for this kid!) She also said that him wanting to sleep in our bed was probably just a phase. I thought, "Yeah, right - a phase? I don't think so." Well, I think that it was, because now he would rather be in his crib. When he wakes during the night, I sit next to his crib until he falls back asleep. On the nights when I am utterly exhausted, I will bring him into our bed, but at this point he just fusses and is very restless in our bed. I guess he just needed time.... I don't know how else to explain it!
He still doesn't consistently sleep thru the night, but he has gotten better! When I think about how much progress we have made in the past 14 months, I just can't believe it! I hope that things get better for you! I read Elizabeth Pantley's book, "The No-Cry Sleep Solution." It might have some helpful tips for you. (but boy does it make you feel guilty if you have ever let your baby cry!) Best of luck to you!
PS - I have thought about getting in my son's crib, but I am afraid that it will collapse!

by leaving a baby in a crib to cry, the baby finally falling asleep is out of pure exhaustion. 30 minutes straight, the full blown, hysterical, sweating, tears down you face cry. wouldnt you be exhausted after. its not teaching him to fall asleep, rather teaching him that when he cries no one will come. babies left to cry end up crying more because of the uncertainty whether a parent will respond of not.
why are you against cosleeping. there are many, many studies showing why cosleeping is beneficial, and why crying it out is not. there arent all these studies giving reasons why cosleeping is bad, or crying it out is good. at 9 months old full blown separation anxiety starts for babies. they are fully aware when you leave them, and are very clingy in general due to teething and all the new things they are learning at once(standing, crawling, walking, talking). its a lot for a baby to deal with at once.
also, you said you are weaning. that is a very tramatic event for a baby so young. i would strongly suggest not forcing the crib issue AND wean at the same time. you would be pulling all the closeness and security away at once. i know you are going back to work, but why are you weaning so young. the AAP recommends nursing for 2 years. even if it could be only part time, any breastmilk given is a benefit, so you could still nurse at night.
its obvious your son is needing to be close to you. thats why he sleeps fine with you. i would strongly suggest you not force both issues at the same time with nursing and sleeping in the crib. when you go back to work, you may be tired, but you will also not have as much time with your son. and for what its worth, cosleeping is a great way for a working mom to be connected to your baby

My daughter had a difficult time falling asleep on her own. I would usually rock her until she was almost asleep and then put her in the crib. Or stand by the crib and rub her back. I would have to stay in the room with her until she was asleep. When she was a toddler, I would lay on the floor next to the toddler bed. (I usually fell asleep before her).

Don't let him sleep in your bed unless you want this permanently. Our friends did this with their son, and the only way they got him to change is when they moved into a new home (at age 3).

Hi J.,

I went through the same thing many years ago. My baby was also a mess if left crying. It's more traumatic for some. Remember the goal- to raise human beings with self esteem and trust and the feeling of safety. If your child is sleeping in your bed they will grow out of it. I did it with both kids. And when they get older it's easier to explain to them that it's time to go into their own special bed whereas when they are little they just want to be near you and have no idea why you would try to keep them alone in another bed. My personal belief is that they are more secure people when they leave your bed when they are more ready which could be 18 months or 3 years old depending. Or when you have just had enought and know they are ready even if they don't. But they do leave.

Is there a reason you are weaning at 9 months? Could you keep the mornings and evenings available for nursing? He'll be getting essential nutrition, building his immune system, and having important bonding time with you.

Best wishes,
S.