Baby Sleeping Advice

I don't believe in letting a child this young "cry it out" over anything. This is the age where your child is developing bonds, learning to trust their parents will care for them, and learning to feel safe and secure. Some children need more than others. No child this young can be "spoiled", they just aren't capable. If your baby needs you this much, and your heart is telling you to care for her, then please follow your heart and your instincts. Your baby will only be this young once, and you never get the chance to do it over.

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Keep her in the bed with you at least another month. As a mom who slept with her baby, I slept better and she did too when we were together. Unless you are on drugs or drinking, moms don't roll over on their babies. We have this internal alert system that is always on even when we are sleeping! When we finally put her in her own room, she slept fine alone, but I was always waking up to listen for her. Dad's have a hard time with this issue. Maybe get a babysitter and spend some special time with him. Then he might be more flexible to your point of view. It's very special time so enjoy it. I would avoid the cry it out method right now. When you finally decide to put her in her own room, talk to her about it and let her know what is going to happen and that she will be safe and that this is her special space. I know it sounds crazy, but it really worked for us when we had various challenges. They understand on the soul level. Good luck and happy snuggling.

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My daughter shared our family bed pretty much exclusively until she was about 2 years old. It's difficult at times when we want her to sleep in her own bed and she doesn't want to (it's a big battle) but I still don't regret having her in there. Breastfeeding is so much easier in the family bed. I had to return to work when my daughter was 7 weeks old, so I needed all the sleep I could get. I also could not let her cry it out. I think that SIDS and suffocating in a family bed are pretty rare. SIDS can happen in a crib just as easily (it IS referred to as crib death). They don't know why it happens. Location has nothing to do with it... Just use your motherly instinct. Sounds like you have a great one! Try to find a happy compromise with your husband. Maybe try to have her start out in the crib for some alone time, then when she wakes up bring her back to bed. We all slept very well. Its only now that she's 3 and hogs the whole bed that we sometimes have stiff necks in the morning! Good luck!

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We have always co-slept with our kids and I wear my son (you can use a Moby wrap or babyhawk or something similar to free up your hands).

I also have my son's crib in my room. The side is off it and it is pushed against my bed. He nurses to sleep in my bed, then I move him to his crib. It is a slow, but happy, way to slowly transition them (he is 21 months old now).

People are going to howl at me here, but having a child sleep in another room away from their parents goes against human instinct and millions of years of evolution. I am not alone in this opinion and science backs it up: A well researched, multifaceted study by HARVARD states to NOT let your child cry alone in their bed (basically , that Americans have screwed up by using Ferber and others). After seeing the worrisome violence in the younger generations in this country, I have to agree. And this is an actual, scientific study (NOT OPINION). Most of the world (like your country) co-sleeps, yet America has one of the most violent countries in the world. Also, the countries with the highest rates of co-sleeping have the LOWEST rates of SIDS. Makes you think, doesn't it . . .

Anyway, I would sleep with her, especially if you sleep fine (I did as well and I nursed my kids till they were 3.5 years). She will eventually sleep on her own, when she is ready. You don't have to teach them to sleep on their own - it is absurd. Humans and other mammals all, in their own time, learn to sleep independently. Millions of years of evolution trumps some guy that wanted to make money selling a book. Same goes for breastfeeding, which was designed since the dawn of time.

Here is the study:

Children Need Touching and Attention, Harvard Researchers Say
By Alvin Powell

America's "let them cry" attitude toward children may lead to more fears and tears among adults, according to two Harvard Medical School researchers.

Instead of letting infants cry, American parents should keep their babies close, console them when they cry, and bring them to bed with them, where they'll feel safe, according to Michael L. Commons and Patrice M. Miller, researchers at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry.

The pair examined childrearing practices here and in other cultures and say the widespread American practice of putting babies in separate beds -- even separate rooms -- and not responding quickly to their cries may lead to incidents of post-traumatic stress and panic disorders when these children reach adulthood.

The early stress resulting from separation causes changes in infant brains that makes future adults more susceptible to stress in their lives, say Commons and Miller.

"Parents should recognize that having their babies cry unnecessarily harms the baby permanently," Commons said. "It changes the nervous system so they're overly sensitive to future trauma."

The Harvard researchers' work is unique because it takes a cross-disciplinary approach, examining brain function, emotional learning in infants, and cultural differences, according to Charles R. Figley, director of the Traumatology Institute at Florida State University and editor of The Journal of Traumatology.

"It is very unusual but extremely important to find this kind of interdisciplinary and multidisciplinary research report," Figley said. "It accounts for cross-cultural differences in children's emotional response and their ability to cope with stress, including traumatic stress."

Figley said Commons and Miller's work illuminates a route of further study and could have implications for everything from parents' efforts to intellectually stimulate infants to practices such as circumcision.

Commons has been a lecturer and research associate at the Medical School's Department of Psychiatry since 1987 and is a member of the Department's Program in Psychiatry and the Law.

Miller has been a research associate at the School's Program in Psychiatry and the Law since 1994 and an assistant professor of psychology at Salem State College since 1993. She received master's and doctorate degrees in human development from the Graduate School of Education.

The pair say that American childrearing practices are influenced by fears that children will grow up dependent. But they say that parents are on the wrong track: physical contact and reassurance will make children more secure and better able to form adult relationships when they finally head out on their own.

"We've stressed independence so much that it's having some very negative side effects," Miller said.

The two gained the spotlight in February when they presented their ideas at the American Association for the Advancement of Science's annual meeting in Philadelphia.

Commons and Miller, using data Miller had worked on that was compiled by Robert A. LeVine, Roy Edward Larsen Professor of Education and Human Development, contrasted American childrearing practices with those of other cultures, particularly the Gusii people of Kenya. Gusii mothers sleep with their babies and respond rapidly when the baby cries.

"Gusii mothers watching videotapes of U.S. mothers were upset by how long it took these mothers to respond to infant crying," Commons and Miller said in their paper on the subject.

The way we are brought up colors our entire society, Commons and Miller say. Americans in general don't like to be touched and pride themselves on independence to the point of isolation, even when undergoing a difficult or stressful time.

Despite the conventional wisdom that babies should learn to be alone, Miller said she believes many parents "cheat," keeping the baby in the room with them, at least initially. In addition, once the child can crawl around, she believes many find their way into their parents' room on their own.

American parents shouldn't worry about this behavior or be afraid to baby their babies, Commons and Miller said. Parents should feel free to sleep with their infant children, to keep their toddlers nearby, perhaps on a mattress in the same room, and to comfort a baby when it cries.

"There are ways to grow up and be independent without putting babies through this trauma," Commons said. "My advice is to keep the kids secure so they can grow up and take some risks."

Besides fears of dependence, the pair said other factors have helped form our childrearing practices, including fears that children would interfere with sex if they shared their parents' room and doctors' concerns that a baby would be injured by a parent rolling on it if the parent and baby shared the bed. Additionally, the nation's growing wealth has helped the trend toward separation by giving families the means to buy larger homes with separate rooms for children.

The result, Commons and Miller said, is a nation that doesn't like caring for its own children, a violent nation marked by loose, nonphysical relationships.

"I think there's a real resistance in this culture to caring for children," Commons said. But "punishment and abandonment has never been a good way to get warm, caring, independent people."

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I am also Filipino and my husband is not and we have a 3 year old. She is just starting to sleep in her own bed....=(
When she was an infant, i also breastfed and she also slept in our bed --- which helped everyone sleep better. I was always aware of whenever she moved in the bed. She also LOVED to be held and never wanted to be placed away from a warm body.... I dont believe in letting her 'cry it out' , i thought that was mean --- but it works for others. I felt more secure that she was with us in the bed, i knew she was breathing, i knew her movements, and she is a very secure child. ALthough I think I am her 'security blanket', she never had a special 'security toy'.

We are expecting our 2nd child, and we will probably have the same set up -- cause it allows us to sleep...
You and your husband have to both agree of when BOTH of you would like to move her out of the family bed... But it does get harder as they get older....

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Our son slept on our chests for the first few months. The sound of our heartbeats was very comforting to him. We eventually started moving him to a sleeper, that could go anywhere, once he fell asleep. He was still close by, but it gave us a little more freedom. About a month later he slept in his crib just fine. It'll be an adjustment for your daughter, but make it gradual and be consistent. Every time she falls asleep, gently move her somewhere you're comfortable with her sleeping. You can never spoil a baby because it's their way of building trust in you.

Good Luck!

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She's an infant. You and your husband need some time alone; but this will go on for quite a while longer. Perhaps a nap in the crib while you shower or prepare dinner...It all takes "baby steps"; and ask your husband to be patient, as you must be.

I believe at 2 1/2 months it is a little early, but when you think she is developmentally ready, here is what worked for my daughter: (Before this she slept in a co-sleeper, not IN the bed, but in her own bed right beside ours. It was literally connected. You might want to look into getting a co-sleeper, perhaps that will make your husband happy.) Remember the following is for when she is older and you want to transition her to her own bed separate from yours entirely. Also, children do need to be taught to sleep on their own, there was a post below (you can't miss it) that states other wise. I just don't want you to think there is anything wrong with a child who needs to be taught to sleep independently. We are their mothers to teach them and guide them, after all.

Begin the transition during the day. Put her down in a safe area and tell her you'll be right back, or some similar phrase. Use the same phrase every time and NEVER delay or alter from what you've told her in this transition time. This is so that she can learn she can trust that you'll be back when you say you will and she doesn't have to panic. For example say, "Mommy is going to the bathroom - I'll be right back." Go straight there and back, she'll begin to accept how long you'll be and she'll be fine with it. Use that general idea for everything that you need to put her down to do. Once she has accepted it, begin to start the night-time transition. Put her in her crib and touch her in a comforting way until she goes to sleep. She may throw an absolute fit, try to get up, etc. Just keep calm, do not leave her bedside, lie her back down and touch her again. These first nights may take a while, but she will go to sleep. Repeat this step at night until she is comfortable falling to sleep this way. Then, you stand beside her bed, but do not put your hand in. Just stand there quietly until she falls to sleep. The next step is to stand a foot or so away from her bed until she sleeps. After that perhaps 3 feet. At every progression you want to work yourself closer to the door. This will take time, but it gets better as you go - trust me. Then, finally you are at the doorway. Just as with all the other steps stay there until she can go to sleep, comfortably, trusting that you are there. After she can do this, it is time for you to leave the room when you put her down. To begin with stand just outside the room, so that when she calls out to you, you can say, "Mommy is right here, go to sleep." After she has accepted this final step, you have fully adjusted her (and yourself). This method teaches her to trust you, that when you say you'll be there, that you will. So, whenever she calls out for you at night, you must go to her, so that she knows she is secure in her bed - just because she can't see you, doesn't mean you aren't there. She may test you frequently to begin with, but once you've passed her tests, you'll have an independently sleeping little girl. No other method worked for my little girl and I found this one to be very soothing for both of us. The "cry it out" thing was teaching her that she could not trust that I would be there for her and I hated it. So did she. We both could sleep peacefully with this method though. Good luck to you.

The only way for a baby to realize true separation, is to separate. Maybe not at this age but by 3-4 months it is not crazy for her to be sleeping in another room so you two can reclaim your space and love life. Sometimes that brings tears. It is not as bad as you think it might be. Babies learn things very quickly. Babies cannot always be happy. Give their pleasure centers a break and let then gently learn ne things even though they may not go for it at first. As they grow, there will be tons of things they don't like but it is best for them and the family.

Hi there,
Our daughter is now 16 months old and have coslept since birth. We started out with her sleeping in the bassinet, but when she would wake up in the middle of the night for feeding, she would fall asleep on me. I'll have to admit that I did love sleeping with her, it eased my anxiety. BUT, it got to the point where as soon as we put her in the bassinet that she would wake up immediately. She slept well in her bouncer and swing for naps..and occasionally we got a few hours at night with her sleeping in bouncer or swing.. We tried the crib many times, but it did not work....eventually we gave up and just let her sleep with us, which was nice for the first few months while she was still waking up for her nightly feedings, but as soon as she started sleeping through the night, we wanted to move her to her own bed...we tried and tried...and nothing we did worked..I didn't let her cry it out..which many advised..but..being an overcautious first time mom..and the fact that my little girl had heart surgery at 9 days old..I was nervous. We tried a few times, to let her cry and hoped she would pass out..the longest we let her cry was about 5 hours on and off..because we had to try to calm her down many times within that 5 hours..., she refused to pass out. SO, we let her sleep with us..not only for her sake but the sake of our much needed sleep. NOW, she is still sleeping with us in our King size bed, and she takes up most of it. SHe is a restless sleeper so throughout the night we get knees in our back, headbutts and our faces slapped with her flaying arms. I should have kept trying to get her in her crib, We should have been consistent ..But..we weren't. Now her beautiful crib she had used maybe 5 times has been turned into a toddler bed and we are trying to get her to sleep in it..hoping that the bed atmosphere will help the transition. I loved cosleeping at first.I had good sleep with her...but right now...I wish we tried harder to get her crib. KEEP TRYING!! Start with her naps during the day while your up and functioning. Have you tried a swing or bouncer that vibrates..that helped us alot!! She would pass out in the swing and bouncer often, that is how we got things done during the day and it helped sometimes at night. The vibration of the bouncer was comforting to her! My advice to you is Keep at it..don't give up. I know co sleeping is comforting, but it comforts us more then the child. I know I will miss waking up to her smiling face..and the sweet sound of mamma, dadda in our ears at 6am every morning, but my body will jump for joy when I can have half of my bed back and i'm not hanging off the side of it!! It's not the greatest advice, but I feel for you ..Your not alone!!

Babywise is a great book!!!!

At 2 1/2 months old your baby is still quite young to be sleeping through the night on her own. Infants typically wake every 2-3 hours to nurse so you are finding out now how convenient it is to have her in your bed. Co-sleeping is something I wish I could have done but I just wasn't comfortable with the baby between me and my husband. It wasn't because of any fears I had, I just couldn't get comfortable physically. Perhaps having a larger bed would have made it easier. In your case, I would suggest that you explain to your husband that the baby is still an infant and co-sleeping for now makes the baby happy and you are getting a better night sleep this way. I promise you, this is a stage that will come to an end one day. She will begin sleeping through the night, will nurse less often, and you will be at ease putting her in her own bed. You are not ready and it's unfair of your husband to push this separation on you so soon after your baby's birth. She's only 2 1/2 months old. Ask your husband to be patient and maybe in a couple of months you and your baby will be ready to sleep separate from each other.

The other thing I would suggest, because this is what I did since co-sleeping in the "family bed" was not right for me. I had my baby's crib in my bedroom. This way, when my baby woke up, I put her in my bed to nurse, I would fall asleep only to wake up and find my baby asleep so then I'd carefully put her into her crib. I kept my baby's crib in my room with the first baby until she was nearly 10 months old but with the second and third child, I moved them to their own room much sooner. Having your baby's crib in your bedroom keeps you close enough to your baby but you and your husband still have your space in your bed and the only time I had my baby in my bed was to nurse.

Given your daughter's temperament, it really is safer for her to sleep with you for now. Would your husband sleep better if he temporarily slept in a different bed? If he wants to stay in the same bed, help him understand that in the big picture, the baby will only be in the bed temporarily. You can't set a time limit on how long she will be there, but you as her mother will only be able to get enough sleep if she is beside you, preventing you from having to fully wake up to care for her.

I hope you and your husband are able to work out a solution that will make all three of you happy.

I'm dealing with a sleep issue with my daughter right now also. The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley was recommended to me. I've started reading & am anxious to develop my plan & get my daughter sleeping in her bed. Hope this helps.

hello. i have the same situation as you their are times in which i keep my daughter with me but its just me and her, i want to stop because i had the same problem with my first son and he stayed with us for 5 years

I am not going to tell you not to co-sleep, but please research the safest way to do it. I work for the Medical Examiner, and we see cases frequently of children dying who are placed in adult beds to sleep (much more than those sleeping alone in cribs).

The main things to worry about are pillows and comforters, and if the bed is soft. The mattress should be firm and please ensure there is no loose bedding around your baby's face. Most cases of SIDS are actually suffocation caused by re-breathing, or the baby turning face-down into a pillow and being too young to roll over. Once the baby is older there is no problem with co-sleeping, it's when their young.

The other thing is to ensure you or your partner are not impaired, we also have cases where a parent will accidentally roll onto the child and suffocate it, and more often than not they have been drinking, or taking drugs.

I really don't want to scare you, and I am aware that in other cultures the SIDS rate is lower than here, but I just want you to be as safe as you can. Any child dying in this way is an absolute tragedy. I don't believe in letting your child cry it out, but I believe they can sleep safely in another bed and you can respond to them as soon as they do cry. I am so paranoid I got the Angel Care sensor monitor for my daughter when she was born and it brought me great peace of mind.

Before going any further, how old is she? That makes a big difference!

Regardless of that, as with most things baby, you're dealing with phase that will likely give way to a new phase as soon as you get a handle of this phase. :) I'm assuming she's young, under 6 months?