Baby Shower for Unappreciative Mom to Be

DO NOT spend more than you are comfortable with..

I agree that she sounds like a piece of work. What a shame that she is only thinking of herself.

Be yourself and be kind. Host the shower as well as you can.
Serve cake, punch and coffee. and be done with it.. If she has the nerve to say anything, tell her your feelings are hurt because you did your best.

I am sending you strength.

7 moms found this helpful

Wow!!! I would be calling her family for help! Call her mom or sister or best fiend. This is not fair. Let her know that you need help with this. I would not care if she got upset either! Do not spend anymore money on this shower. If no one helps you. They will all be getting chips-N-dip. I am sorry but this is way to many people for one person to run a shower. Do not ask her for help tell her she needs to help. Good luck with this one!

6 moms found this helpful

Sounds like she is such a close friend of yours that she is letting her thoughts come out of her mouth without checking with her intellect first. Goodness knows that she is really over the top with inviting people.

Sit her down and tell her what you've said here. "I've got a fulltime job, a new baby myself, PPD, depression rmedication for that, and not a lot of money to spend. I clip coupons and don't go out to eat. PLEASE understand that I cannot spend anymore money on the shower. If you want more people to come or anything else that I haven't already gotten, you'll have to bring it yourself." Maybe she'll get it.

If she says that she thought that inviting so many people is what is done, tell her that usually, different sets of friends or families invite their own groups. So friends may have one shower, family another, etc. That way a shower doesn't become so huge that the HOSTESS can't bear it. She doesn't seem to understand that a hostess isn't supposed to have so many people. She should be having another shower if she wants to invite that many.

Sometimes you just have to lay down the law with people who are spendthrifts (if I am understanding what you are saying about the total opposite of frugal). Otherwise, she'll spend you out of house and home. And worse, she'll blow up the friendship and won't know why.

And in the end, remember that just as you are going through a tough time with PPD, sleepless nights, and working, she is full of pregnancy hormones, and her mom-to-be-zilla-ness is showing itself. Doesn't make anything easy!

Good luck!
D.

4 moms found this helpful

Oh no, I can see why none of her friends volunteered to step up! Perhaps they already knew what she'd be like! She is only thinking of herself and the gifts she wants to get.

I'm guessing the shower isn't for a few weeks? If possible return some of the decorations, favors, gifts, etc. Things that are still in their packages can go back to the store. No need to go in the hole for her baby shower!

Is it at a hall? A person's house?

Instead of expensive food, get sandwiches and appetizers. Instead of expensive drinks, make punch. Instead of expensive favors, get dinner mints and wrap them in tulle and add a cute little tag. Instead of expensive decorations, get a little confetti for each table and use the dinner mints in tulle as the table decorations. Maybe purchase a congratulations sign--that's it!

Don't buy her a gift, the shower is her gift.

If she continues to say "Oh man, I really need presents" stop joking. Say seriously "What makes you say such a selfish thing?" If she gets mad, oh well!

I've noticed this trend a lot lately, bridezillas, baby-zillas, not-so-sweet 16s all hungering for gifts, not time with friends and family. What a sad culture we've become.

This girl is not a friend, a true friend would not be so selfish. So do your best with what you have. No need to go overboard! And if you can, enlist the help of some of her friends. When you ask say "I'm having a hard time, would you mind helping with the cake in lieu of a gift?" or something similar. This girl doesn't need baby shower, she needs a cold shower so she can wake up!

4 moms found this helpful

Sorry to hear that none of her friends have stepped up. (Perhaps that says a lot about her, actually.) Is she in touch and friendly with her mother? Tradition frowns on close relatives of the expectant mother throwing the shower, but nothing says you can't call for "guidance." If you stipulate in your request for input that your budget is already exhausted and you can only make use of inexpensive ideas, Grandma-to-be may throw money at the problem. Worth a shot. If nothing else, she may be willing to show up early and help devote some elbow grease to the setup. (If her mother is not in the picture, any close female relative may supply the same support.)

As for your friend's attitude, that is unfortunate. You can give subtle coaxing all you want. I would likely chime in with something like, "As the person hosting this extravaganze for you, it is really disheartening to hear that your focus is the loot. Can you indulge me and at least pretend to be excited about the experience?" She may actually catch a clue.

I hope things look up for you and everything goes well at the shower.

4 moms found this helpful

Honestly I would ditch the Girl. Clearly , you have seen the REAL person inside her and when someone shows you who they really are.... believe them the first time.... But for now , until the shower is over I would approach her and be very honest about where financially you stand and ask if she can encourage her mother, sister, cousin, best friend etc to help you pick up some slack. There"s a reason you are the only one throwing this shower and also a reason 75 guests were invited but only 25 responded!! Just a thought

3 moms found this helpful

This is kind of funny.

My sister-in-law (married my brother in May) was VERY unappreciative at her bridal shower in April. It was embarrassing how she acted when opening gifts! We are NOT throwing her a baby shower! She is due at the end of October.

Her own family didn't even give her a bridal shower and it looks like they are too lazy to give her a baby shower too, so she won't be getting one at all from anyone! My mom and I got her a bunch of nice stuff off Craigslist from a girl who only has one baby who just turned one. All of her stuff was still practically brand new! (Swing, saucer, papasan bouncer, bumbo, carrier, doorway jumper, and clothes--all for $150!) And then my sister and I bought her a $150 high chair that was on clearance for $80. That's it! We're not doing anything else!

3 moms found this helpful

Wow. Is it any surprise she is having a low turnout and so few people want to participate?
Soldier on as best you can. Plan the shower to YOUR budget, tastes and likes. Disregard her disgusting attitude (as much as you can). Hopefully, one day (maybe after her baby arrives) she'll "get it" at last and maybe her attitude will change.
Isn't it horrible when moms-to-be think it's everyone else's job to "provide" for THEIR child? Ugh.

p.s. If I were you, the shower would BE my gift. Nothing else.

3 moms found this helpful

GRRRRR! I suppose it's too late to reign it in but if at all possible I would try to do it. A lesson for all of us. Set boundaries at the beginning when planning for an event for someone else. Decide at the beginning how many people and the budget.

I've not heard of anyone inviting guests to their shower. The shower is given by someone else, preferably not a family member. The guest gives the hostess a list of people she would like to invite and the hostess has the final say on who she does invite. The guest co-operates with the hostess who is in charge.

When is the shower scheduled to be? If it's more than a couple of weeks away, I'd tell the guest that this has gotten out of hand and ask her for help to get it back in control. If she has family who will help that's great but I think it's her responsibility to help you. I'd tell her you've already spent $200 and that is more than you'd budgeted for; that you're unable to spend more than that. Insist that the two of you sit down, look at what you've purchased and the people she's invited and that she then fill in with whatever else is needed. Tell her how much you appreciated the shower she put on for you. I'm guessing it wasn't nearly as large and extravagant as the one she's wanting for herself. If so you can compare what she did for you with what you're able to do for her and insist that her party stay that size.

It sounds like she's running the shower and you're the patsy. Uuuuum! hostess. so let her take over! She's being rude and taking advantage of your good nature. It's time for you to set a boundary that is acceptable to you and your limited resources and be direct in letting her know what a fix she's put you in. If she takes offense, oh well. Taking care of yourself and your family is your top priority. You need time, energy and money for your family even more than she needs stuff for her baby.

3 moms found this helpful

Well, the title of your post certainly summed up this gal's personality! She is being an ingrate and a brat. You can't back out now, but you can change your game plan. The poster who said to return some things is right on. Return what you can, and replan to go very basic. This has been left up to you alone to do, so you have every right to plan according to your budget and time. If she doesn't like it, tell her to check on her friends who bailed (while you stayed on and stayed a good friend). Ignore the gift talk, tell her you have to stick to a budget, and it is going to be tasteful yet simple. When it's all done, you can walk away and take a nice long break from her. I have been to some very classy and nice showers that have been very simple and not expensive at all. It can be done. I think you are a super friend to her for going through this and are quite a strong woman considering that you have a baby, a full time job and are battling PPD. She should be grateful to have a friend like you and should have a healthy appreciation for all you are doing even though your plate is already full.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't know how far away this "event" is...but you need to just be upfront and honest with this little princess...tell her that you have butchered your budget as far as you can, and that you are going to have to trim corners, and she is going to have to rein in her expectations.
Where is this being held? If she has invited 75 people it obviously isn't in a home....do you attend a church that would allow you to use the fellowship hall to host it? Don't plan a lot of fancy food...a cake...a punch bowl filled with 7 up and hawaiaan punch and some mints...done!!! Let the presents be the centerpiece of the table...no need for expensive decorations that are just going to be thrown away afterwards. Come up with some games that are inexpensive...let your present be a photo book....one of those cheap ones from Walmart....have one of the "games" be to pass out colored 3x5 cards to each guest to write the thing that they wish they had known when they had their first baby...and then put the cards into the photo album!
Then after this is all over...wish your friend the best with her new baby...and go put your feet up...let your husband cook dinner for you and just enjoy your
little one!!!
And next time that some one asks you to host one of these affairs...set some boundaries from the very beginning!!! You have learned a valuable lesson from this so it isn't a total loss!!!!

2 moms found this helpful

You're already too far into this to back out now. You said you were hoping her friends would help out ... so when they didn't you decided to take this on yourself? She invited 70 people, before offering to host the shower did you set a quota for the number of attendees? Did your friend push you into this? How many people are you expecting to show up? What was the deadline for responses? If it's past the deadline start making friendly follow up calls so you can plan the rest of the event. The amount you spend is your personal decision and you should not be spending more than you can afford. You don't need decorations, you don't need favors, you need to serve some type of food and beverage. Keep it very simple. Being a frugal person I'm sure you know how to stretch a $.

I'm sure your friend is very excited about the baby and the shower. Remember she aslo has all kinds of hormones racing around. We all needed gifts when we had our first baby regardless of our tastes, so she's just being honest. However, she is being very insensitive to your needs. Until the shower, try to keep some distance. When she calls, say "I'm not feeling very well right now, can I call you tomorrow?" or "I'm in the middle of preparing for the shower..." - It's the truth.

I'm sure it'll all work out in the end. Just remember, keep it simple!

2 moms found this helpful

Wow! Be honest and up front, tell her when we had your shower we had six and now there is one. Let her know you're doing the best you can. Do
not go over bored, she won't be there to help you. When is the shower? Can you call her family members and these so called close friends and say,
"Look, I'm tyring desperately to make this a nice shower but I'm in need of some help." Can the mom buy the cake? A friend or two pitch in for food?
Someone else doe games/prizes? And yes, keep it to a limit, don't let this
take over you! I've done plenty of showers, if you need some ideas you can contact me, let me know. And most of all, Good Luck!!!

2 moms found this helpful

There are people who are just like that, I would advice not to go over board with it, and do the best you can, YOUR WAY!. Anyway she will get what she will get and you cant control it, just make sure the people you invite have a great time, and if she is unappreciative, trust me at least one of the guest will appreciate it. When things like this happen, my mom always told me to stop doing things for her, and do them for me, because I've already spent this much and I dont want it to go to waste, because I want to see her (your friend) happy, whether she likes it or not, chances are she is not going to like it 100% like you would like her to, but so what, from now on youll know what to expect and youll feel better knowing you really did the best you could do, regardless.

2 moms found this helpful

this happened to me with a wedding shower, that all of a sudden i was hosting on my own. i'll tell you what, i did the best i could, spent more than i should have but not enough to break the bank, and after dealing with her bridezilla attitude through the whole shower wedding etc, i had to just walk away, because she was no longer the friend that i thougth she was. I hope that doesn't happen with you, but if she is acting this way, you might be better off.

2 moms found this helpful

Take a deep breath, try to get through it , and after the shower, maybe you should keep her at a distance from now on. She is showing that she has very selfish tendencies, and those types of people dont make good friends. They are usually users who think more about themselves than anyone else. Stick to your guns on your budget. You are allowing her to subliminally bully you into spending more than you should.

Ask some of the people who are coming if they would be darlings and bring a finger food. Be frugal with prizes. Have some games where you announce you are only playing it to have fun!

2 moms found this helpful

It is your own fault for spending so much money, not your friends. You could have thrown her a shower at your house, with no decorations, potluck food or one or two big cakes from Costco or something, and have been fine.

Everyone wants gifts when they have their first. I am sorry that she is pushy, but you are letting her push you around.

Also, I am really sorry for your PPD. I honestly think that women with PPD need to be babied a lot by their loved ones, rest as much as possible, and eat really nutritious foods. You already sound so busy and I hope you can find a way to cut down on all your responsibilities. You would have been perfectly fine to not host a shower and still have been a good friend. You could have just told her that you are so overwhelmed and have PPD that you simply cannot handle a shower, and then have given her a lovely gift.

I am more concerned about your getting some time to rest and relax that any situation with your friend. She may have no concept of PPD.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you need to tell your friend exactly what you told us - while there were 6 people making your shower, you are doing this alone. Your friend should know that you cannot afford the money or the stress. Be clear that while she can't understand, you are a f/t working mom suffering from PPD and that you and your husband shop sales and never have date night. Tell her what your budget is. If you are throwing the party, it gets to be the party that you can make. The normal etiquette is for the person paying to decide how many people you can afford. You are not required to buy food and favors for 70 people if you can afford $20. When my sister made my baby shower, my husband asked her if she needed money for anything
I'm sorry you're going through this. When my best friend got married, it was somehow expected that I was paying for this shower. She didn't expect it, but her mom claimed she had no money, another bridesmaid said she was getting ready for her own wedding and had no money - they all expected that because I was married and owned a house (I was 24 when my friend got married), that I had money - my hubby and I were paying hundreds of dollars for train tickets to commute to our jobs in the city each month, I was also going to college and paying for that, and while mom and MIL invited all these people, they didn't think to chip in any money, but that I should pay for all of their cousins and great aunts to eat at a restaurant and take home nice favors.
Be assertive about this.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't get why she is inviting people - who's throwing this party? You are the hostess and SHE sent out invitations? She's not worth ruining your finances over. I'm very suspicious over her other friends who are not jumping in to help you with this. Did they have a clue about her becoming a maniac when it came to gold digging for gifts? With PPD and being on Prozac, I'd almost consider flipping out, tell her where she can get off, walk away from the whole mess and chalk it up to a nervous break down. Seeing as that scene is not too likely - try to enlist help from who ever you can. Keep it WAY simple (Is there such a thing as a pot luck shower? Can you have people bring a dish? Well why not? It's not like the rest of this is turning out very traditional). I'm not sure the situation (or the friendship) can be salvaged. No matter how this turns out, you did your best in very difficult circumstances. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

the people who have not rsvp-ed, call them up and ask for an answer either way.
stop spending money. spend the money you had planned on spending, not what the queen is asking you to spend. if she has a list of things she wants at her baby shower, call someone from her family, and explain that the mom to be has requests that you cannot fulfill and that you're calling to see if anyone wants to pitch in.
ignore her comments.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow! I'm glad it's over and done with for you! At first I was going to say maybe she wasn't necessarily unappreciative - just very much in need. But after your explanations of her reactions at the the party - wow! It sounds like you did a GREAT job! I was going to say that you should ask her if she wants all this fancy stuff that she help pitch in with money. My best friend threw my shower but she was completely strapped at the time for money and my husband wanted to spoil me with a really fun and great baby shower so he flew her here and paid for everything from cake to decorations and invitations and everything! But she did all the work by making and mailing the invitations and doing all the shopping for the food and preparations and decorating. I had an absolutely wonderful time and was so blessed by both of them and all they did for me. No wonder only 25 out of 70 people showed up to her shower if that is how she is to people. I am so sorry you had to go through this and I believe that you should not spend much time with her anymore. She's not a very thoughtful friend it sounds like. Again, SO glad it's over for you - glad you had fun at it too. Enjoy your little one!! :)

Are you crazy? 70 people! I bet 10 show up! This woman is awful. TELL her what your budget is. COMMUNICATE, you can do it. Say something like "This is all we are going to chip in" maybe someone else can chip in that is a friend, although I bet she's low on friends. $200 is plenty for a shower. If she wants bubbling champagne fountains - let her pay for it.

She is responsible for paying for her own child not others!