April 06, 2009,
D.V. asks from Fort Worth, TX on March 30, 2009
Baby Shower for 4Th Baby??
Hi everyone. My question is rather simple. I am expecting my 4th baby in 7 weeks. My mom threw me a baby shower for each of my babies...the first, cause he was my first; the second, because it was six years later; the third because she was a girl! Well, when we had our daughter I was blessed tremendously. She didn't wear the same dress to church for a whole year. Well, we had two boys and our princess, so my husband and I seriously thought we were done. I sold all of my baby girl's clothes at a consignment sale and the rest I donated. Two weeks before I found out I was pregnant I gave away all my baby furniture, and the last of my maternity clothes. I have absolutely nothing. I do have a crib, a carseat and a stroller. But other than that I don't even have a burp cloth. I've had a lot of friends lend me maternity clothes so I haven't needed any clothes, Thank God. Well my question is this...My mom informed me about 3 weeks ago that she is not giving me a baby shower. Her reason is that she can't pay the deposit at church to use the fellowship hall...the same location where she gave me my other showers...and that of my sister's and my sister in laws. She even made a remark "well you didn't plan very well, I don't think I need to plan anything for you either." She's happy about the pregnancy and she understands that I don't have anything, I don't know why she's being this way.
I'm not very concerned about providing for my new baby...I know that ultimately God will provide for this baby...He wanted her to be part of our family. I've had a lot of friends at church ask me if I'm having a shower...and I tell them no. Then, I have people ask me if I've registered anywhere. Yesterday I even had someone suggest a hand-me-down shower...I've never heard of this, but it sounds like a fabulous idea to me!
What am I supposed to do? Should I register for the things I need...onesies, burp cloths, blankets, etc?? Maybe I am just being sensitive. I don't expect anyone to do anything for me, I just don't know how to respond... If my mom can't do it thats fine...honestly it kinda hurts my feelings, but I don't know if its even worth telling her at this point. And I only have 7 weeks to go... I'm gonna have to start shopping soon!
So What Happened?™
Thank you to everyone for responding...I got a mixed review. I personally don't think that having a shower for every baby is tacky or rude. I agree that showers are to support a 'new mom,' with that said each new baby makes you a new mom all over again. Taking care of 2, 3, or 4 children brings it's own challenges.
I'm not going to approach my mom about the shower...nor am I going to ask anyone to throw one for me. I have awesome friends, and family...but I am trusting God with providing. When I saw the two pink lines through my blurry, tear-filled eyes I gave this baby to Him...She will be taken care of.
I will register for my necessities so that if anyone asks I can tell them that I am registered...and that hand-me-downs are welcome.
The good news is that once my new baby girl hits size 2T she will be set! Thank you Mamas for your support! God bless you.
PS...and to those of you who have said that I am "pouting"...am I most certainly am not. Let me tell you a little bit about my culture...I am a first generation Mexican American...my people party for EVERYTHING. We don't serve punch, cookies and crackers are our showers...we have a full meal and showers typically last 4 hours with a full 50-70 people in attendance. It is a production. And honestly, I don't want that this time around. I did say that what my mom said hurt my feelings, but I was okay with her not giving me a shower. My question was what to do when folks asked me about a shower...because so many people were asking me, it is obvious that many don't think its rude to have another.
S.G. answers from Dallas on March 31, 2009
To be honest, I have always thought of showers being a one time thing, a "welcome to motherhood" celebration of sorts. I think it's great that your mom was able to throw more for you and that you have people around you who were up for it. I personally have never been to a shower for a second or third (or beyond) child. I have, however, sent small gifts along to friends for their additional children.
That said, I certainly sympathize with your situation of having passed along all of your baby things. Do you have a good friend or someone at church that can put the word out that you are accepting hand-me-downs?
It sounds as if you are just ion need of supplies- perhaps forgoing a formal shower is appropriate.
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J.A. answers from Dallas on April 01, 2009
WOW!! It is really hard to believe that an adult and parent of a young teenager is expecting her mommy to give her a 4th baby shower. I'm sorry, but at some point you have to take responsibilty for yourself.
Why would you wait until nearly your due date before you start to prepare for this child? It sounds like you are looking for sympathy. Grow Up !!!!
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J.T. answers from Dallas on March 30, 2009
I would definitely register somewhere. People are going to want to buy stuff for the baby, and you might as well have a registry where they can see what you want. Your mother probably thought about throwing you another shower but then sat down with pen and paper and figured out how much she has spent over the years throwing all those showers and "had a cow"--nothing personal towards you. I would have been hurt by what she said, too, but I doubt she meant it to be hurtful.
If people ask if you are having a shower, I'd say, "I haven't heard that anyone's throwing one for me." This is truthful, and (somewhat) subtly leaves the door open for someone to do so if they choose.
Congratulations to you and your family!!!
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C.C. answers from Dallas on March 31, 2009
When my husband and I decided to have baby #3 we had nothing left from our other two children because there is such an age gap. But I learned to be frugal because babies grow out of things so quickly so it really is silly to buy new everything! We bought one of those cribs that converts first to a toddler bed then to a twin bed . . . this way we would get our money's worth. We bought a portable bassinet which was really inexpensive vs. regular bassinet because how silly to spend so much money when the baby would be out of it after 3 months. The bulk of her new clothing I got at Walmart because you just can't beat their prices!
BTW . . . we also had a little girl (now 2) and I wish I had stuff to give you but I've been giving it away as she outgrows it because she is definitely our last.
Craig's List is a great place to buy used stuff (www.craigslist.org). You can also try freecycle.org which is a site where local people can give and get free stuff from others who no longer need it vs. filling our landfills.
J.D. answers from Dallas on March 31, 2009
You have had 3 baby showers, where really only one is necessary. You should feel lucky that you were given that many. The purpose of a shower is typically to get all the stuff for NEW mothers. If it is a matter of finances, as you know since you have had 3 children, you don't NEED as much as the stores and books tell you you need. The basics are all you need. If someone offers to get you a gift, that's fine, but you shouldn't be pouting because of this.
S.T. answers from Dallas on March 31, 2009
Since people are being kind enough to ask about a shower for this new baby, perhaps you could get the word out that hand-me-downs would be very welcome! Everyone has a high chair or bouncy seat or gently-used crib sheets just taking up space, and I bet they'd love to find a good new home for their perfectly good baby things. People can get the things to you without having a party, which makes it easier on everyone's schedule.
As for the etiquette, I agree with others--only one baby shower (unless you are having twins or there's been a long gap between babies) and never should they be hosted by a close family member.
K.J. answers from Dallas on March 31, 2009
I would absolutely go register. I am having my 2nd girl 9 years apart. I actually still had a lot of clothes left from my daughter packed away that I never got around to getting rid of. But all the other stuff I needed was gone. We are not expecting much to be purchased off of it, but it was a great organizational tool for me to remember what I needed. They gave check lists! Also, Babies R Us gives a discount to the expecting parents on the items not purchased within a week of the delivery date. That alone is reason enough to register for me. Both of our parents live in Europe and we will be buying the big items ourselves, any discount is welcome! I would tell anyone on here who tells me that I should not have another baby shower to bite me. We are all individuals with separate circumstances, different friends etc. My friends were more than happy to come to my baby shower even though it wasn't my first. Some "etiquette rules" are for the uptight and miserable in my opinion. I prefer to live and let live. You can also throw a diaper party for yourself and invite your close friends who you know won't get caught up in etiquette, and will want to celebrate a new life. Blessings from God trump etiquette every single time!
T.F. answers from Dallas on March 31, 2009
I hope that what I say I will not hurt your feelings but I think that you should in no way expect your mother (nor be hurt that she does not want) to throw you another shower. It is customary (and everyone I know has followed this) to get one shower (the first baby) and MAYBE a second or additional(s) if the sex is different or the baby is a late addition. And it sounds, and is very likely with the bad economy, that your mom may be money strapped or would at least rather spend that "shower" money somehow else on your child instead of another (and possibly considered extravagant and un-needed in her mind) party.
You said you weren't too concerned about providing for the baby. And a shower, from whomever and however, is a gift. Gifts should never be expected nor should they be asked for. My suggestions: go ahead and register for necessities. I don't see that as an out of the ordinary thing (I know others that registered for babies beyond the first or second or even third and that were not expecting a shower) and you are not asking for those things; you need them and if not provided to you, you will have to buy them yourself. If someone wants to buy you something, they can, and the registry will give them a guide. If they ask, you can tell them where you are registered but I would not advertise the registry. I would not register for anything outside of needs (if the item is a bit of a cost but needed, that is ok but don't go over-board and register for the most expensive of the necessity selection) as that may be seen to some as tacky. If someone wants to get you something extravagant, they can choose it on their own.
As for someone giving you a shower, well if someone really wants to, LET THEM. BUT that said, I would in no way expect it or ask for it and If thrown, I would let it up to the host to decide what type of shower and how extravagant (or simple) it should be and what type of gifts to expect. In my opinion, the hand-me-down shower sounds the best in your situation but I would not ask someone to throw it for you and sure as heck would not suggest you throwing it for yourself. And, if someone volunteers to throw you a shower, you could suggest the hand-me-down shower but I would not expect them to have to follow that idea if the host does not want to either, as the host is giving you a gift and what that gift entails should be the host's choice, possibly guided by you if she asks. I've also seen diaper showers for showers of subsequent children.
If you end up having to buy things, well you sold your previous at re-sale shops so I would take that money you received from your re-sale sales of your other children's items and re-invest in back into what you need for your next child at re-sale shops therefore hopefully not loosing much money. That way, you are taking what you made from your kids items and re-investing it for your next kid's items in the same type of business scene (re-sale shop) for the same type of quality and getting more for your buck than if you would buy new.
Like I said, these are just my suggestions and I hope not to offend.
Best of luck with your new addition. And yes, God will provide! Only the first two years or so do you go through supplies, toys, and clothes like mad. After that, your new one will fit right in with the general expenses as the other 3, not much more for one addition.