Baby Shower Drama

Dispite the fact that you are my cousin and have already given you advice on this I will answer this like I would a stranger... :)

I think you should write a letter to your mom and your sis-n-law. Tell them exactly the same thing..how you feel , what you want and expect for your FIRST baby. Then you should make a suggestion on the theme of the shower or a place you'd like to have it at. If they do not respond to you with some type of middle ground then you can expect them to not listen to what you would like.
Tell them not to invite you to THEIR shower. You and me can plan one for half the cash and you'll get what you want.
love you
it'll be ok! trust me!

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Congratulations S.! Having your first (maybe only, it's up to you) is exciting and nerve wracking for sure. It sounds like your Mom & sister-in-law are trying to throw you a party. Let it be. It's a gift. It may not be the party you would plan for yourself but you aren't hosting it. If you are able, register at Babies R Us so people know what you want for your baby. I have three of my own and have been to enough baby showers to make your head spin. Baby showers are celebrations, please just go as the guest of honor and look at every gift as something you didn't have when you woke up that morning.
If the hostess (your mom & sil) want a fully catered affair with doves released as you enter and two foot high flower arrangements at each table, take pictures! There are times when it's important to be a gracious receiver, this is one of them. Give them a list of your friends with addresses, tell them how excited you are for this party but you would like all details from here on kept secret so as not to ruin your surprise. Take yourself out of the equation, remove yourself from the drama, so you can just enjoy the party.
When the baby is born you are going to have to much more to worry about, don't take on any added stress now.
Good luck, please enjoy your party!

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Try and let them have their fun and look at it like that, you shoudl not miss out on a shower..but they are being the babies about it! lol Let them do it and try and enjoy it in your own way..they may feel they have missed out and want to this..but in the end the shower is to help you with presents for the baby and everyone showering you with love.

Step back and be the grown up here..I know it is hard but at least it is not your wedding they are taking over ;-)

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I can so relate with you, my own wedding was the same way. my very controling Mother-in-law wanted every thing her way(not having had a wedding of her own) I had to step back while a baby shower is so diffrent with family the same way to handle these things are about the same. Is there a relative you could go to that your Mother would respect and be willing to listen to you could tell them to also some of your wishes for the shower and advocate gently remind them who this shower is for maybe, a Grandmother,your Dad maybe your husband or mother-in-law. It sounds like you will have to go along with some of their ideas I wouldn't worry about $ it sounds like
they are willing to pay the bill you are not the one
spending thier money. This is a joyous time others want to join in with your happiness,enjoy the day above all let them know you do not want anymore details about the shower you really want somethings to be a surprise,sit back relax and go enjoy the party,remember (hopefully all they are doing is because they love you and this new life your bringing in the world)May God bless you with health,happiness and a life time of love to you your baby and all who share your life.

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S.,
This is a hard one for me to answer... because I have 2 babies and no one cared enough to do a baby shower for either of my children. I even got invited to one for a lady in our church that was due after me and got to sit through an uncomfortable 2 hours of watching everyone dote on her and not care that I was having a baby. I was very hurt by this and many ill formed comments that were made towards me.

Having a new baby should be a very joyous occassion. Babies are such a wonderful blessing.

Both not having a baby shower, and getting one you don't want can make for very difficult situations.

Keep in mind that your family wants the shower to be very special because they do care about you. They are trying to dote attention on you. For you, it is uncomfortable because they seem to be ignoring your requests. Try sitting them down and having a discussion with them. Explain to them that you appreciate that they are doing this for you, but that since they told you about the shower you thought they wanted to know what you wanted for the shower and they seem to be ignoring your requests.

Also keep in mind a few other things... it is a highly emotional time for you and that everyone does things a bit differently. If they are doing this for you because they care for you they will listen to your concerns. You will also need to listen to their concerns as well. Perhaps they want it catered so you don't need to do any work. (The mother to be should be pampered at the shower!). If cooking is something you find relaxing and enjoyable, then express that to them.

They probably do not realize how you are feeling right now, so a good conversation will help alleviate much of the stress involved :).

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Hi Stepahnie,

I can't offer you any advice except because I'm going through a similar situation! But I do think it's fairly normal -- although extremely frustrating! It seems as though people who are supposedly doing something for *you* ought to listen to what you want, no?

Just so you don't feel alone, here's a bit about my situation: this is my first child as well and possibly my only one since I'm 34. I'm very excited, but my mom has not offered to throw me a shower, nor has she visited me since learning I was pregnant five months ago. My step-mother, is eager to come to my shower, but she is quite an overpowering woman and inists she knows exactly what we need -- which is old, cobwebby furntiture from her basement and an umbrella stroller (though we tell her an infant cannot ride in an umbrella stroller and we really need a carrier.) Then there's my best friend, who volunteered to throw the shower, but will only do a small, traditional, American shower at her apartment. Since the dad is French, we need a French-American, untraditional shower, that is a little larger and more relaxed. She's told me no. So, I may be throwing my own shower!

My conclusion is: life is messy! People mean well, but sometimes can't relate to what you need. Keep trying to tell them what you want and how important it is to you. But if you aren't heard and can't express your tastes and preferences at your own shower, there will be other chances -- like, your baby's first birthday party -- or when you plan a party for your mom or sister-in-law! ;-)

Good luck.

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oh, S., i was in your exact same boat!!
I was so stressing out about my showers ( i had 2, and knew about both of them). Looking back, I realize that that is the silliest thing that we could do. The pregnancy, and your health are your main concerns, let the shower be theirs. I am a bit of a control freak (as you may be yourself) and it was driving me crazy that I wasn't able to get what I wanted. But we should just be happy that we have people who love us and are willing to go to such, albeit extravagant, measures. If it seems like they are throwing a shower they would have wanted - let them! They should get pleasure out of it as well. It is probably their ultimate display of generosity. It seems like a big deal now, but trust me, once you get all those gifts, and see how much you not only use them, but need them, you'll just be so thankful that you had any kind of shower. Sit back and enjoy this awesome time in your life, no worries baby. Good luck with everything!

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This can definitely be a stressful time, but my advice is to try to relax and enjoy the shower. Rather than stress out, if they really want to do this up and won't listen to you, then worrying about it can do you no good. Remember that other people want to share in the joy of your precious expected arrival! And, you will get all the gifts of much-needed items!! This is all for your little girl, Audrina. She deserves it, and by the time she makes her appearance in the world, whether you loved or hated your baby shower will all be a distant memory!!

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Dont you just love family drama?!! Are they just really excited and want you to have the best..ie: not having to cook etc?
If thats not the case I would take them out to lunch or coffee and confront them and tell them it is stressing you out. It is YOUR shower and you deserve to have it the way you want it.
I have had 2 showers and and a bridal shower...sometimes you do have to compromise and let the small stuff go (my MIL is a total control freak) however you shuoldnt be this stressed especially while prego.
Hope that helps...Be strong and take a deep breath!
S.

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I sympathize with your dilemma - it is hard to participate in something that is more than what you want. It sounds like you want them to save money, which is admirable. However, it is very difficult to tell people what they are allowed to give you. I think we get a little over-zealous these days with endless gift registries - I recently received a wedding invitation with a website address and a long list of "acceptable" gifts, plus instructions about wearing black tie. My husband and I were so offended, we sent nothing. (We didn't know the couple, only vaguely knew their parents.)

You should also keep in mind that you are experiencing all kinds of new emotions, due in part to hormones and body changes, and due in part to normal anxiety about what the future holds. It also sounds a little like you don't feel you are worthy of the attention. You are trying to cook and buy food, but this is a gift THEY want to give YOU. It's okay to make sure there is some food that you can eat (either because of general dietary requirements or because you are sensitive to certain things right now), but you really can't tell them what to serve others. It shouldn't matter what all they serve - if you go to a party at someone's house, do you care what they serve or what they spend? Can you find a way to just enjoy it?

If, however, the shower is too large and you are uncomfortable with the size of the guest list, you should have some say there. It is nice that people want to celebrate your new phase in life, and that they want to share your excitement. That's what the guests are doing, and I think that's what your family is trying to do, although they seem to be using steamroller tactics that are making you feel overwhelmed.

Maybe you can just let them do their thing - don't listen to all the planning, just stay out of it. Certainly don't cook or shop - it's important to learn how to accept help, as you will be needing it when the baby comes. You will have to be the kind of mom you think you should be, and when the baby comes and as she grows, YOU will be the one who will have to decide on her foods, discipline, values, etc. Save your strength for those days if the others try to "help" so much that it is interference. But maybe you can give them the gift of allowing them to fuss over you and help you celebrate and build up your supply of baby items. You might enjoy ooohing and aaahing over cute gifts and benefiting from the thoughtfulness of other, experienced moms. You ARE worth it and deserve to be treated to a nice celebration. Let them help feed your excitement rather than see it as a battle. Do you mother and sister know that you are not planning to have any more kids, at least for a long time? That may be why they have put so much emphasis on this, figuring it is their "only chance" - or they may feel that you are NOT excited and are trying to make you excited by going overboard.

I've been to weddings and showers that are NOT how I would have done it, but I can enjoy them because they are someone else's party. I don't wear the same clothes as a good friend of mine, but I can enjoy her taste FOR HER. If someone throws a party for you, you can enjoy being the recipient of good will and love of friends. Hopefully your stress will reduce as your pregnancy progresses - you need to take care of yourself and be good to yourself.

Good luck!

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I think I would have to let your mom and sister in law run the show on this one. While they may not be listening to your suggestions as to the type of shower that you are having, they ARE throwing you a shower and putting their time and effort into it. It can be hard when you think other people are spending more money when you would be happy with them spending less...I've felt that way myself. They may think that you are just being polite by not asking for too much. I would just try to enjoy the day and let them throw you a shower. You'll get some great gifts. People want to spend money on cute little baby things. Despite the fact that the "shower" itself is not to your tastes, people will probably buy you things off your registry, things that you chose. And you can always exchange or return things to get what you need for the baby. Sometimes it's hard to enjoy being pampered, but I think this is one of those times where you should give in. It's not worth the stress to you or the baby right now. Hopefully you can enjoy the time spent with your friends and family at the shower.

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Hi S.,
I'm a lot like you and prefer a practical party rather than spend a lot of money. So I do know how you feel. However, I also think that it is way to easy to get spun up about something that you really should be enjoying. It is their party for you. You know, there are lots and lots of young women who never have any shower because there is no one around who cares. I'd say you've nicely suggested ways to save money and even suggested that you'd prefer to receive a portable crib instead of catered food. That's reasonable. However, you can not control the behavior of others. Now, if they persist, say "Thank you", relax and enjoy the party and the expression of caring all these folks will share with you at the shower. You'll understand as soon as your baby is born that there are much bigger fish to fry.

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you are acting like a self-centered brat and entirely ungrateful for what is being given you ... sit back, enjoy the day, enjoy the attention and give these ladies who love you the opportunity to do the same ... in the big picture this is small stuff and not exactly torture ... just go with it.

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Since a baby shower is traditionally planned by a family member or friend with no imput from the mom to be, maybe you should just sit back and let them do their thing. I am sure they are just really excited and like you said, living vicariously a bit. They really should remember that it is YOUR shower and not thiers and plan something you would enjoy or something you would put together yourself though. I dont see a problem with them having it catered. As long as they dont complain or expect anything in return, why does it matter if you make the food or someone else does? It is less work for you and its not an expense you have to incur. This is your first so its natural to want to be apart of it all and "control" every little detail to make sure your pregnancy is perfect and healthy. Experienced moms will tell you that the whole baby shower experience isnt really going to be a big deal or ruin anything in the long term no matter how it turns out. Some moms dont even get a shower or their family members dont show any kind of enthusiasm for the mom to be. Try to look on the positive side and remember that they are just very excited for you. Eat the catered food,play the silly games, and try not to worry so much. I am sure it will turn out great regardless. If not, its only a few hours of your life and will not tarnish your pregnancy or birth. My thought is that any kind of shower isnt really about the person they giving it for anyways. Try to enjoy it and make the best of it unless they are doing something that you absolutely cant live with. Good luck. I hope they do start to listen to some of your ideas.

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Please don't be upset with them for spending the money on catering! I come from a big family and we did all of our showers uncatered for the longest time. What we found out was that the shower planners spent the majority of their time heating up food, setting the tables, making sure that there was plenty of everything, then clearing and setting up for dessert and DIDN'T get to participate or enjoy the shower at all. (For instance, I didn't even get to see my sister open her gifts at her wedding or baby showers - I was too busy with the logistics of the food and cleanup!) Once we switched to catered everyone involved had a fabulous time! Plus, we found out that if we went back and really tallied up the uncatered vs. catered costs, it was just as expensive to do it uncatered. So why not spend the money on catering and let everyone enjoy the shower!?

That said, there may be a compromise here - the last shower we did, we catered the food, but a bunch of people brought dessert. It was a great compromise. :)

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Hi S.,

I appreciate your concern for the planning of your baby shower.. It's too bad that they told you about it but now that you know, you know. Please remember that it is a celebration of the upcoming birth of a new member to your family. Moms don't need any experience planning previous parties. This is stressing you out and you don't need that. Let them attend to the plans and tell them that you do not want them to share anymore details with you. Make a list of the things you think you would need, want and give it to them. Then leave it at that. Let them enjoy planning and executing the party and you just take care of yourself and the baby. You will be pleasantly surprised. Please try to enjoy such a special day.

Best Wishes

G.

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Just let your mom and sister in law spoil and pamper you! You only get one first baby shower. Be grateful that you have a loving family that wants to celebrate this new life with you. It may not feel like they are listening but in their hearts their intentions are probably genuine.

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S.,

Try to remove yourself from the preparations, tell your mom and SIL to do want they want (they will anyway) and don't offer any suggestions. Showers are weird, they are about you and for you, but you don't necessarily get what you like. LOL The point is two people are coming together to show you how much they love you and the baby and are creating a memory for your family that, good or bad, is created with the best of intentions. Perhaps they are living vicariously through you a bit but so what? The point is the party is FOR you. Enjoy it and don't stress over it. Maybe someday you can throw one for your SIL and do everything YOU want! j/k Enjoy being showered!

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First off I think that some of you women are aweful rude!!! This girl in no way shape or form has said ONE thing that deems her selfish,bratty,spoiled or anything else! She is simply saying she doesn't want her mom and sil going out of their way and go over board when she would simply prefer a small maintenace get together. Times have changed ladies and mom to bes usually have alot to do with their own showers. This girl at no point says she is not grateful for anything. I am sure she is plenty grateful to hsve a family that cares enough about her to throw a party for her baby. I think sxome of you ladies have been awful hard on her and that is just not right. This is suppose to be an area that we women can go to on advise and suggestions on pregnancy , family issues and pretty much anything we need to talk about ...in no way does anyone have a right to chastise this girl for HER FEELING/OPINIONS. I am sure plenty of us have written something or asked a question or have just been plain unhappy with a situation and complained. We nned to remember what it is like to be emotional and young and excited about this new life and just want everything to be just right and non of you would appriciate some of the responses she has gotten...so much for a young mom getting the support of her fellow moms ..even if a shower is not a mandatory event most mom to bes get one,or two or three. She just wanted some advise on how to get her mom and sil to cut back on costs so she wouldn't feel so bad about the "handouts" she would be recieving. I am just so upset that there have been so many harsh comments sent to her..it really makes me think twice about the community of women on here.

Steph
everything will be fine. Go ahead and make suggestions to the hostesses. Explain to them how you appriciate the effort they are putting in to this special day but you would prefer something that was low cost/ low key. All you can do is talk to them and if they do not understand where you are coming from then...whatever. It is their money to waste....just enjoy evry minute of this pregancy and the wonderful gifts you will get for this little wonderful baby. Do not let the stress of any of this get to you cuz it isn't good for the baby. Take it easy. And please disregard some of the "advise" some of these ladies have given ...it is not right. No one has the right to judge you for how you feel.
Good luck sweetie and congrats!!
God bless you,yoour family and that precious bundle you are carrying

1 mom found this helpful

S., Once you become a mom, there will be very few times when you can sit back and have somebody do something for you. My advice would be to stay out of the planning other than to maybe provide a registry for gifts. Let your family do for you and sit back and enjoy what ever they decide to do!-S.

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Sit back and relax and let it all happen! Although it would be nice if your wishes were honored and it was "all about you" your first baby shower is the true transition into your new life where it's all about Audrina:) You are the only one truly experiencing your pregnancy and it sounds like everyone around you is so excited and wants to join in and celebrate in style. So let them shower you with extravagance and appreciate how lucky you and your daughter are to be so truly loved and cared for! All your stress is not good for you or your baby. ENJOY!!

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Hi S.,
Why are you offering to cook AND BUY the food for your own shower!!?? If they want to pay for the catering let them! Just because it's catered doesn't mean it's going to be a huge thing. I have been to family events where it is catered and it was very low key. I would just let them do their thing and try not to worry about it. Are there other relationship issues with them, and is this why this is getting to you?
When your involved in throwing a shower...you really want to do the best job that you can because you care about that person. And almost all the time... it is what they want and only a little bit of what you want. It's inevitable. Unfortunately your suggestions are going to go ignored LOL I would just embrace that and try to make the best of it :)

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You're pregnant.. you're emotional... it's understandable.
You need to relax over this - don't let this stress you out, it's not healthy.

Just let them throw you the shower how they want. You are not throwing yourself a shower, so it won't be exactly how YOU want it. Enjoy it. Be thankful for all they're doing, because it's not easy planning a party. You may just be surprised how much you'll love your shower. You never know, maybe they're going to surprise you with exactly everything you want!

Good luck and congrats!

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Congratulations Stepanie!!! you are going to enjoy that little girl more than you will ever imagine you could!!! About the issues you are having with your shower, well, I personally think you should sit back and let your mom and sister in law do as they wish.. after all THEY are the ones throwing the party for you. It is a very special day and no matter how it all unfolds, it will be perfect-- trust me!!! be sure to register for your baby at a place like babies-r-us and it would be a great help to you if you went with another mom that has young children, she can give you great advice as to what you will need and what you can wait to buy later on. You need to relax and not stress yourself!!! Enjoy your pregnancy, try to make a mental note as to how that baby girl feels moving inside you, -- you will actually miss that someday. Enjoy your shower, it will be full of people that are excited for you, great food and a PILE of presents for you to open. Enjoy!! L. C.

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let them plan the baby shower and enjoy it. Try not to get upset about the shower trya dn let them do this for you. No ever planned one for me and I have four children.

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Try not to turn this really special time into a day full of bad feelings. It sounds like your mom is thrilled for you and the new baby and just want to make it the best day for you. Sometimes, it's OK to sit back and let people do something special for you. You will learn that as soon as that baby is born! When some women organize an event, it is a way for them to show that person how much they mean to them-even if it isn't YOUR thing. Relax mom, and just enjoy.

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Whether or not this is the shower you want, it is the shower you are going to get. I have had some stressful events in my own life experience and I can offer a few pearls of wisdom. First of all, in a very short time, none of this will matter. You will have a beatiful little life in your hands to take care of and the memory of your shower will be just that. Secondly, rather than focus what is wrong with your Mom and Sister in Laws plans, focus on the fact that they want to give you a shower. Regardless of any alterior motives, look at this event with gratitude. Life if too short to write script and expect everyone to follow it. People are complex, life is unpredictable and you are about to be a Mom!! Go with the flow as much as you can...believe me it is a lot easier (especially in your new Mom role) Even if this shower isn't your exact style, consider it a gift that you wouldn't return because of its sentiment. So many young ladies would be thrilled to to have someone make a shower for them. Breathe deep, relax and enjoy the ride...sometimes it's all we can do! Also, smile and say thank you...in their own way, these people love and care about you. In a very short time, you will want their support and help. They are celebrating with you... and that is what is the important thing. Good luck!

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Hi S.,
How exciting that you are having your first child :-) I'm sure it's frustrating that it seems your mom and sister are not listening to your request for a small shower. It sounds like they love you very much and are so excited about it that they want to do everything they can to help you and Audrina get off to the best possible start. Generally people only have one baby shower thrown for them even if they have more than one children. My best advice is -- enjoy every minute of it. It's nice to let people do things for you once in a while and it's making your mom and sister feel good to be able to do this for you and your baby. If what's bothering you is that you feel like they are totally leaving you out of the process (other than to show up at the shower), let them know how excited you are too, but that you'd like to be able to do something to join in on the fun. Ask them for a specific thing you can do to be part of it. Whether it's cooking something, making favors, or helping to decorate. No doubt when they realize you are sharing their excitement they'll be happy to include you.

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I know for me, I have been known to come down hard on people who were making plans that would reduce the pleasure in my life, but do it in the name of doing me a FAVOR.
HOWEVER
I also know enough to let people do what they are going to do, "for me", in their own way if the issue was not really all that big a deal.
You can tell the guests you NEVER would have been so lavish on yourself when they arrive, the people who know you will know it is the truth, the people who don't will see you in a good light. If it is more of a "we are having Salsa and 7 layer dip. I know you are allergic to it, but everyone else likes it" just let them know you don't want things that you are not able to enjoy at the shower (including alcohol)
JMHO
Hope it helps

E.

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It's hard to go through these major changes, for everyone involved. You're right. They are, most likely, throwing the baby shower they would like to have for themselves.

So, with that knowlege... let them!!!! Think of it as your gift to them to let them express their love for you the way they want to.

It's very hard. I had a mother-in-law that took consumerism to a whole new level. But she is a loving person, and that's how she expresses love. And no amount of my insistance that it hurts me to see so much waste would be heard. Some can't understand. They might just think you are embarassed by their extravagence.

Smile and know that you are loved. Lucky you!!!

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Unfortunately even though it is your baby shower, it is being thrown by someone else. In most cases, they are typically a surprise. Now because you know about yours, you want some input but please just enjoy whatever they do for you. Otherwise you would be throwing your own baby shower. They want to do this for you so just let them. Think about it this way, in 20 weeks or so you will have your hands full with a baby and from that point on you will be grateful for anything anyone does to help you, so relax and enjoy no stress while you have it.

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Hi S.,

Emotions can be very strong when we are pregnant and often we may feel more emotional about things that normally would not evoke such strong emotions. If I were to give my advice, I would say allow others to throw the shower for you. Traditionally baby showers are surprises for the mother to be to help her build a layette for her baby. The people closest to you enjoy planning this surprise and it is best to be gracious not spoiled about the way we receive. It is okay to register with a store such as Babies are us and let your friends know so they can share this information but utltimately whatever you receive it is a gift so say thank you! The greatest gift of all is the fact that those closest to you have thought enough to share this special time of your life. God Bless you and your new baby girl!

J. L.

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you know what.. let them do it for you.. if they couldn't afford it, then that's their problem, try to relax and enjoy it.. they obviously want to do this for you.. try to have fun.

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Sadly baby showers are not for you to plan for yourself. It is unfortunate that your family has included you in so much of the planning especially since they are disregarding your wishes. It is however for others to plan for you so I would ask to be left out of any future conversations regarding the event, explain that it is causing you a great deal of stress and frustration and do your best to enjoy the day that they plan for you. I'm sure their intentions are good so try to remember that

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My advice is to just sit back and enjoy. Trust me, with 2 kids of my own that are just under 14 months apart, take any chance you get to let somebody else do something for you. The shower is for you, but it's also fro Audrina! If you don't have it, think of all the great things she'll be missing out on. Baby stuff is extremly expensive and there is no way you'll be able to buy it all yourself. If they want to cater it, let them. Maybe they want to cater it so they can just sit and enjoy it too. It's your decision but my advise it really to just go with it! There are so many pregnant women out there that don't have anyone to throw them a shower, and you're lucky enough to have 2 people who love you and care about you and only want the best for you and your baby. GOOD LUCK!!

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I don't realy agree with eitherof the two previous posters. I don't think your self centered or bratty, it is just that with your first baby things like the shower seem super important. I am on my third baby, I just had my shower and it was not "planned" the way I would have planned things. I was asked about how I wanted things and some of my suggestions were taken into account, but the details were left to others largely. Not everything went right, but all the key stuff did and in the end it is just supposed to be a day for you to sit back and put your feetup and be "showered". In the scheme of things, it is not the most important thing. I would try one more time to talk to both of the hostesses about your wishes, be calm and straight with them-after that let it go! everyone willknow you didn't throw yourself the shower, you were not responsible. and do try to enjoy whatever they do do for you. Lots of women don't get showered at all :) I wish you all the best!

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Hi let them do what they want.I had 2 baby showers because age diifferenc. My kids were 16 yrs apart. I knew nothing about either of them and I think you should just let it go cause if it were a surprise you would not know anything. just enjoy
D.

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