Baby Criying Himself to Sleep

babies are needy for a good reason...they are helpless and easily frightened of changes. by giving the wee one all the comfort needed it will give courage down the road. 'mom has got my back' is the theme here. for kids left to cry themselves to sleep all alone, they start life with the idea that no one is there for them in their hour of need, and this breaks the trust bond with the parents.
we sleep with our daughter for everyones benefit. Seraphine sleeps deeply and when she is hungry at 3am, here we are! ok sweety, it's time for breakfast! kids who stay close to the parents will embark on their little journeys of self-discovery much quicker. and they will trust mom and dad when they teach them the rules of good conduct.
confidence early in life will set the tone for the rest of it. just imagine what they can achieve if they are confident by age 3!

bonne courage avec ton petit ange!

10 moms found this helpful

I'm so sorry you received poor advice early on. How sad that people discouraged you from rocking your baby to sleep. (Rocking now is not going to mean rocking a kindergartner!) You cannot spoil a newborn. If a newborn cries, it's because he/she needs something. Babies are not manipulative.

If rocking to sleep worked before, try it again! If it works, great! If not, try something different. I usually nursed or bottle fed to sleep. At around 6 months I was often rocking to sleep. I did a lot of co-sleeping at that age, because it was just so much easier. If my son woke up in the middle of the night I just repositioned us so that he could nurse while we were both lying down. Then I went back to sleep while he ate.

My older son had trouble with naps early on (my younger son was a great napper). One trick that worked for me was to lie down with him and nurse him to sleep. Then I would get up and walk away. Also, I learned some signs of when he was in a deep sleep. I would wait until his arms were limp and them move him to bed.

Just keep trying things and find what works. Don't worry about setting bad habits. Babies change so fast, it's really not that hard to find something else that works.

The best place for baby to sleep is wherever baby sleeps. So find something that works, and don't worry about those well meaning, but completely off-base, people who try to tell you that you're spoiling your child. You're doing just fine!

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There are babies who simply need plenty of touch, cuddling, rocking and snuggling. If the babies that have high needs for human comfort don't get it, they will not be able to relax and enjoy their lives. It sounds like you have a high-needs son. I'm really sad that 'people' talked you out of giving your child what he most needs.

I co-slept with my daughter for most of her first two years, and it was the most comforting and relaxing solution for both of us. When I was eventually ready to transfer her to her own room, she was secure, trusting, sleeping well, and had no trouble with the change.

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Three books that saved my life when I was trying to learn how to teach my oldest to sleep. he was a high needs preemie who also needed lots of cuddle, rocking,etc. Dr. Sears Baby Sleep Book, The Baby Whisperer, and The No-Cry Sleep Solution. I gleaned invaluable tips, tricks and info from each of them. I took a bit from each to put together a sleep plan that worked for us. It took about 6 weeks of literally doing and saying the same things and it began to click. I also found with him that once it got the naps going he started sleeping better at night.

I don't believe there is ever a reason baby has to "cry it out" at bed time. Not what I want for my infant or for me at bedtime.

And ps-you can't spoil a baby! I rocked both mine to sleep and they were both did just fine!

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I agree with the moms who have posted that basically you cannot "spoil" a baby...and particularly the article one M. posted from Dr. Sears' website. Babies cry to "communicate" not to "manipulate" and they do not enjoy crying, so they're trying to tell you something...be it, I have a headache, my tummy hurts, I'm wet, I need cuddles, sing me a song please, I need a diaper change, or please nurse me (nursing implies holding and cuddling baby also, not "just" breastfeeding, although breastfeeding is great and may be the need). Don't listen to other people who tell you that you are spoiling your baby...they're flat out WRONG and they are not there with you and your baby at night when your little one is crying. Dr. Sears has an article on his website that outlines what attachment parenting is and what it is not...since there are many misconceptions...maybe refer the persons with "spoiling" opinions to that article. My son was nursed on demand, he slept in our bed, and it's ironic because when the "scheduling" parents I know have referred to their babies and children as acting out, being a "devil baby" one M. said, and having all these issues...I can't relate. You give to your child and they give back. I get so many comments about how well behaved my son is...well, I gave and he's giving back. That's what love is about. He doesn't act spoiled at all, he acts like someone who has been loved and is loving in return. It sounds to me like your son just needs some extra parental "lovins" to get to sleep...and I would agree with what Dr. Sears said in the article posted already. Listen to your instincts...your own baby crying only increases your own stress levels as well as your babies...when you comfort, both your stress levels go down. It's just very amazing science of how it all works. Have fun with your son, when he's crying start singing the sound of music, "Do a deer, a female dear...", cuddle, rock, and enjoy that time. You'll look back when he's all grown up with fond memories of cuddling instead of remembering all the tears.

5 moms found this helpful

Do you know why he cries so much now? Babies do cry, but at this age they don't cry and cry for no reason. Have you tested your son for allergies? I was a VERY fussy baby my first year of life. Turns out I had many food allergies and was in pain and uncomfortable. I have heard the same story with many other babies, as well. If he seems unhappy and uncomfortable, and still cries a lot...there very well could be a real physical reason behind it.

Another thing, if your baby is not sleeping much during the day...he is almost assuredly overtired at night. Daytime sleep effects nighttime sleep incredibly. Do you have the same routine every day? I encourage setting a firm routine for a while. Wake at the same time, morning breakfast at the same time, playtime at the same time, nap-time at the same time, and a very good nighttime routine with bedtime at the same time...every day. Yes, you need to get the baby out of the swing. The longer he is in, the harder it will be for him to sleep anywhere else. A nighttime routine is SO important. Do the same exact things, at the same times every night. Create a pattern, so his body learns when it's time to sleep. Here is a great article about sleep:
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/fussy-baby/31-ways-get-y...

4 moms found this helpful

Obviously you have a high maintenance infant - which means they need more comforting touch. I co-slept with my children out of convenience for ME and it's been a great experience for my daughter and I'm sure will be for my newborn to be as well...

Co-sleeping allows for constant reassurance, comfort and security to our vulnerable children... not to mention a good night's sleep for the whole family!!

4 moms found this helpful

When my son was really little, I would rock him to sleep and put him in the crib. Sometimes, he would wake up when we laid him down so we bought a heartbeat bear. I also have a cd player in his room and play a lullaby cd all night, (His room shares a wall with the living room and I want to block out the noise from the living room). When he heard the heartbeat bear he would settle down again. As he got older, I would still rock him, but put him in his crib a little more awake. He's 2 1/2 now. We read book, then he turns out the light and turns on his music and comes back to the rocking chair to be held and ricked before I put him in the crib. He's wide awake when I put him in now, but we both still enjoy the cuddles before bed.

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I didn't read all of the other responses, but I did read Katie S. (2 below), and I agree with much of what she says about routine. Not necessarily schedule, but definitely routine and getting him to sleep BEFORE he gets overtired :)

I'm so sorry people have told you that you spoiled him. There's no such thing as spoiling a baby! Most babies need to be either nursed or rocked to sleep for many, many months, and that's completely normal (and natural for many moms). My daughter is 19mo, and she is nursed to sleep for her nap, then nursed before bed. (lately, she's been asking to go to bed and falling asleep on her own)

My only advice to help him with the crying before sleeping is to pick him up, rock him and hold him. It seems he needs contact with his mama :) Hearing about the hours of crying and the time of day it occurred definitely sounds like colic, but most babies outgrow that around 3mo when they start to become more self-aware and systems in the body are more mature (like digestive, breathing, etc). Based on this, I agree with him being overtired.

Sleep is one thing we cannot force on our babies (same with eating and pooping), and the quicker I learned and accepted that one, the more peaceful a parent I became. My son rarely slept more than 2 hours at a time until he was 19mo, and I was exhausted and frustrated, but I knew that it couldn't go on forever. I found myself cringing when he would wake up a mere 30 minutes after going down for a nap; I hardly ever got anything done around the house! However, my daughter has a completely different personality and has been a super sleeper since birth :)

It was a life-changing, eye-opening experience to have 2 kids that drastically different from each other. It made me finally understand that there was probably nothing different I could've done with my son, and it more than likely was never my fault that he wasn't a good sleeper. I always thought that if I did this or that or maybe that....

Try to help him to sleep, help him learn and understand that sleep is a good thing, not something to be afraid of. Start the process during the day because generally, the better they nap, the better they sleep at night. How do you feel about bed-sharing? Napping in the car (if he enjoys his seat and being in the car) was a life-saver for me on many occasions.

Hopefully, something in this rambling post will help :)

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Hi there,

I haven't read the other replies... Our daughter is 3 3/4 yrs. old and our son 8 1/2 months. Our son was very fussy and hard to get to sleep, too. Have you tried carrying him in some kind of carrier? Bjorn, Ergo, Moby Wrap, or a sling? My husband was better at getting him to sleep, in a carrier, than me breastfeeding him (I hated that, but at least he would sleep! :) You can even do house chores, like folding laundry, while he's in there and it seems to lull them to sleep.

You could also try co-sleeping. That's what we do and it is SO much easier than spending all that time and effort trying to get the kid to sleep alone (we did that the first time with our daughter. I regret wasting all that time, energy, tears). He will eventually sleep in his own bed, you don't have to train him now. It takes some getting used to, and you need to make sure the baby is safe (we have our mattress on the floor so he won't roll off), but it works well and you will love the cuddles. :)

Someone once explained to me that babies want to be held all the time, especially while sleeping, because in nature they would have to be close to a parent for protection. If not, they could get eaten by a wild beast. Our babies don't know they live in safe cities with locked doors and baby monitors. :) I always think of his when my kids look for me at night. Makes me want to cuddle them and let them know they are safe.

Congratulations on your baby and enjoy him! They grow so fast. Follow your heart and be brave to try something new. :)

EDIT: I just read a few other replies... Don't listen to what anyone says you "should" or "should not" do, or that your baby is capable of sleeping through the night. Every baby is different. My daughter slept 12 hours alone in her crib at 2 months, but has had periods of not sleeping well since then. My son was impossible to get to sleep from the beginning, but we tried different things until we found something that worked for our family. Do whatever works best for everyone in YOUR family. :)

2 moms found this helpful

There has been a lot of research in the past 50 years on child development. Please don't listen to the older generation, their advice is very outdated. The moms here, your instincts and some great books should be your go to.

Everyone here has given some great advice.

2 moms found this helpful

My son had colic and was the exact same way!!! As a first time mom, every little change to his "routine" made me nervous, but one night, I just went for it and put him in his crib, and he was fine! We did use a projector mobile for the nights when he didn't go to sleep right away and he still plays with it now at 14 months. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B001GQ2SA2/ref=redir_mdp_mo...#

1 mom found this helpful

So, a different take on things from a Sleep Consultants point of view. It doesn't matter what has led you to where you are, whether you "spoiled" him or not is irrelevent. You did what you felt you needed to do to get through those tough first months and now here you are.
The point now is that you are unhappy and he is unhappy with the way things are and how do you turn things around?
Fussy doesn't always mean "high needs" or "high maintenence". My guess is that is has been over-tired and probably over-stimulated for a long time which looks alot like "colicky" behavior. Overtired and overstimulated make it very hard, if not impossible, to go to sleep so I'm not surpried that he cries alot and doesn't nap well.
He needs to be on a good schedule that prevents him from getting over-tired, he needs to sleep in a crib (sleep in motion is not quality sleep) because as you said he will soon grow out of his swing, and he needs to learn how to soothe himself without the use of sleep aids (swings, strollers, car rides, nusring/rocking etc...)
At his age he is more than capable of sleeping through the night, at the very least a 9 hour stretch.
In the morning his first nap should be one hour after he wakes in the morning. If he naps for less than an hour he should go back down 1-1.5 hours after his first nap. If he naps more than one hour then he can stay up 1.5-2 hours until the next nap. this should be the guideline for the whole day. Bedtime should be between 6 and 7 depending on his last nap.
Keep TV and music off and company and errands to a minimum until he is sleeping better to avoid overstimulation.
Introduce a small "lovey" so he can use it to comfort and soothe himself in the crib. Have it with him all day so he bonds with it. Little 12X12 blankets are the best, most have little animal heads on them.
Create a bedtime and nap routine that is the same every time, everyday.
Starting in the evening for bedtime do your routine and put him in the the crib sleepy but not asleep. He will most likely cry some but it should be mixed with just fussing and some lulls in the crying. It shouldn't be hard crying the whole time. The lulls will become longer and closer together and during one of the lulls he will fall asleep. In my experience, with a baby that has never been sleep trained before, the whole process lasts on average about 30 minutes.
If you think about it he is probably crying more than this in a day anyway. Probably much more.
I hope this helps. Contact me if you need more guidence.
K. Smith-Sleep Consultant and Parenting Coach
www.theindependentchild.com

1 mom found this helpful

well, you have 2 options: you can learn to teach your child to nap & sleep better at night....or you can continue to use the swing - which is what many of my daycare moms have done. Does it hurt using the swing....no, not really, it simply delays the learning to sleep/self-soothe process. Some of those moms truly believe that if the child is older when they have to learn to sleep/self-soothe, then it's an easier process.

I do have one comment though.....if you use daycare, then my vote is for whatever gets your child to sleep the easiest. Quite often, daycare providers simply do not have the time to rock your child to sleep each/every time....& this creates hardship for the baby. Doesn't mean the provider is a bad person....simply means that your child is not the only one there!

If you choose to teach your child to self-soothe, please contact your local pediatric hospital & ask their sleep lab for helpful hints. Lots of good techniques out there....& fairly easy to implement, too! Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I completely relate to your situation. We didn't have a 'swing sleeper', but we were a little crazy with our bedtime routine with our first. I learned later with our first, and then followed through with our second and third babies that sleep is SO important and the routine can be simple - really!! Google a website called 'The Sleep Lady' and order her booklet. She's phenomenol. After I used her suggestions, I actually learned to put my children in their beds drowsy, but not yet asleep, and they learned to put themselves to sleep. Her methods worked so beautifully for us. It's worth the effort. Good luck!!!

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