September 05, 2008,
K.K. asks from Kailua, HI on August 27, 2008
Baby Attached to Grandma
my baby boy is 5 weeks old now but i feel like he's more attached to my mom then me. we live with my parents so they are always around. but i'm a stay at home mome right now so i'm always here. i love my mom &i know she adores my baby but i just feel like she always has him &she doesn't want to give him back. he's even calmer &happier with her then he is with me. &i don't know what to do; i feel rejected.
J.B. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
Hi. I just had a baby on July 30th so ours are pretty close in age. ;) I would agree with the first opinion. I'll bet it's hard for your Mom to see you as a mother (I mean that it's hard for her to change her perspective). She sees herself as a mother and you as her child, so when a baby comes in the picture, she acts as the "mother."
In the beginning, there is some transition time and getting to know your own baby. That means that there are some sleepless nights, cranky baby times, and frustrating moments. Your Mom was probably trying to "rescue" you from these things because she loves you so much.
I would say something to my Mom like, "Mom, you have helped me SO much with _____. I know how much you love him and can tell that he adores you too. I am feeling like my son is not as attached to me as I'd like him to be. I want him to know that he can trust me, as his Mom, to take care of his needs. That means, that I have to be the one to respond to him most of the time."
Then, I would make sure to not treat your Mom as a babysitter for a while. If you have to run to the store, take your baby along with you. If you are meeting a friend for lunch, take your baby with you. Show your Mom that you are capable of mothering and show your son that you are there for him.
Things will DEFINITELY improve with time - especially since you desire a stronger bond with your baby. You are blessed to have a mother who is willing to help you. Your son needs as many loving people in his life as he can get and it will be wonderful for him to be securely attached to you AND Grandma as well. He will feel like a million bucks as he's growing up.
2 moms found this helpful
R.L. answers from San Diego on August 28, 2008
It happens. I felt that way when I visited my Mom with my son when he was 6 months. He went right to her and even wanted her to put him to bed instead of me! That had never happened. I think our Moms are just calmer and more at ease then us first time moms. Attempt to get more one on one time with your son. Make your own little routine. Take him on walks to the park and sit with him there in the morning. Make sure you are the one who picks him up from his nap and spend some cuddle time with him before coming out of the room.
Remember this is not rejection. I know, hard to not feel like it. Plus babies really do absorb how you are feeling, so if you are frustrated and stressed with your mom, your baby will feel the tension and they don't really like it. You tense up, you're not as patient. Basically, a calm Mom makes for a calm baby.
Keep in mind that this really is a blessing. I would have killed to have someone (especially my mother) have that relationship with my child early on. It really takes the pressure off you. You can actually have some me time and that is an amazing thing. As your son grows, you'll have someone to help that he not only feels comfortable with, but feels that true unconditional love connection with. That's so important. In the end, you guys are all a team. I didn't have my Mom around and I would have loved to have a team like that. A child really does grow better being raised by a tribe.
Anyway, your son is 5 weeks! Congrats on making it this far and still having the energy to write! ;))) You're doing great and it'll all work out.
1 mom found this helpful
I.O. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I was 19 when I had my first baby. I had those feelings too, but realized that some of it was the hormones and the rest were all good intentions from family members. You got very good advice from the other moms. I can't think of anything else to tell you other than to trust that you are a good mom and that you're baby isn't rejecting you. Your hormones are kind of crazy right now which may be driving irrational thoughts about your baby rejecting you. Your baby knows who you are just by your voice. He heard you when you were carrying him and recognizes you. I always doubted myself because I was so young, but realized that it was very dumb for me to have done that. I was and am an excellent mother as are you. If you love your baby and you're doing your best to meet his needs, you're a great mom. I think the others mothers are right by telling you to set boundaries. Maybe "assign" jobs. YOU decide what your mom can help you with and take advantage of the help because motherhood is a tough job and can become overwhelming. You will take the experience that your mother has and the experience from other mothers around you, make it your own and learn from it. Try not to be on the defense. I was and it personally hindered my self-esteem. Lots of luck. Congratulations. :)
1 mom found this helpful
T.A. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I will make this short and sweet. When my first daughter was born, my mom was there for every breath she took. I remember clearly feeling like it was almost too much. I often felt excluded like they were their own little club and I wasn't invited. Eventually I started doing things for my daughter and nicely letting my mom know that I could handle it. I was 19, so I totally get that part too. Just know that it is natural to feel a little left out. However, it is important that you know your mom is doing it with love.
When my second daughter was born, my mother was given 3 weeks to live. She survived 2 months. I would give anything to have had my mother there doing way too much for my daughter. Everyday I see how much my oldest daughter misses her grandma and I see how much my younger daughter doesn't even remember her.
You have every right to feel how you feel. Just remember how blessed you are to have a mother who is healthy and willing to be there for you and your child.
1 mom found this helpful
C.D. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
Talk to your baby. Tell your baby how you feel. Spill your heart as much as you need to your new little man. Say, "I am your Mama, and I had you very young, so we are living with your grandparents because they love you so much and want to help out. I would have waited to have you until I had my own home, but it had to have YOU, so it had to be now. Grandma and Grandpa love you very much, but you are my child. I will always be your mother. We will always talk and tell each other our thoughts. I am so happy you came to me. Thank you for picking me to be your mother..." Whatever is on your heart.
You're not going to change your mother. It would be optimal if she would pick up on your need to bond and learn how to care for your son in your own way, in your own time, but her heart is brimming over with love for her grandson and she can't help herself.
Talk to your child. He may not understand the words, but he will understand something of the intention, and the sound of your loving voice will always be tinkling somewhere back in his earliest memories.
Congratulations, and welcome to motherhood!
1 mom found this helpful
K.M. answers from San Diego on August 28, 2008
Hi K., I have a 10 month old little girl and have a nanny vs a grandma who spends a lot of time with my baby. It's completely normal to fear your baby might like your mom more than you.
I work from home so have nursed (still am) and been able to spend a lot of time with her. Many times I have felt that my baby likes the nanny more than me (especially when I am sleep deprived and hormonal) and it made me feel like a psycho even having those thoughts.
It feels awful, but really it's not true - your baby has a connection with you that no one can replace...ever. What really matters to us as mothers is that our child is getting adored by everyone that care takes them. The more our babies are loved the better. (it would be way worse if the baby didn't like grandma!)
Best to you and your new family!
1 mom found this helpful
W.D. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I am 41 and a single Mom. I have a nine month old baby.
We live part of the time with my parents. I feel that the exchange for living at home: not paying rent and having someone to help with the baby, is to let my Mom do what she feels best with my daughter. Sometimes it makes me crazy like when she insists on putting her outside, but I don't say anything. Most of the times I am so happy to have someone to give the baby to so that I can read, work, talk on the phone and just not have to be totally in charge of a little baby for a minute.
I feel like it is a positive change in our relationship at that it is a part of being a new parent to let go and not have to be in control every minute.
I am sure that you are exhausted and your hormones are crazy. Be patient and enjoy the fact that you have someone, who loves you and your baby there to help you.
Your baby has enough love for you and your Mom and you will always be first.
1 mom found this helpful
L.T. answers from San Diego on August 28, 2008
Hi K., (Pretty name by the way)
Remember, you are postpartum and your hormones will play tricks on you for awhile yet, making you feel extra emotional.
Your Mom probably has the best of intentions and has probably just fallen in-love w/ your son, likely the same way she did with you when you were born. I don't know if you are brestfeeding, but that certainly helps w/ bonding w/ your son and no one else can do that! Alternatively, if you are bottle feeding, you may want to take those over yourself to help w/ bonding, I would also suggest getting a sling and "wear him" more. Try to stay calm, try your best not to get resentful, but take over as many baby duties as possible (feedings, baths, putting baby down for naps, etc.). Talk with your mom about how you feel in a tactful way. Try not to hurt her feelings though, there will be times that you will really need her! Also, bear in mind that she may really have some helpful advice that she can impart to you, hopefully in a kind way. I guess ultimately what I'm trying to say, is try your best to bond with your son, and that takes time and energy, but let your mom know this is what you are trying to do so she doesn't feel pushed away or rejected too. Best of luck K. and congratulations on being a Mommy. ~~L.
1 mom found this helpful
S.H. answers from Honolulu on August 27, 2008
In addition to what the previous poster said.... tell your Mom, that YOU and your baby need to "BOND" with each other... that is is your own blessing to have with your baby... that by having your baby with her all the time, you are being deprived of this wonderful experience. ALL Moms, no matter how young, NEED to bond with their baby... and baby needs to "know" who his Mommy is.
Remember, a baby as soon as they are born, will know the smell and voice of their Mama... so your baby needs to know this and his Mommy... so he does not get confused.
Right now, your Mom has him most of the time... so, baby is naturally bonding with her. As a Grandma, that is nice... but the PRIMARY Mom, needs this first of all. And your baby.
A baby grows so fast... and THIS is the time you and he need each other... to enjoy all those little moments together, from changing a diaper to putting him to sleep, to nursing/feeding him. This is YOUR and his needs, and it is something exclusive and special and natural for a Mommy and her new baby to have.
Explain this to your Mom... in a nice but mature way...and I'm sure she would not want you to be deprived of bonding with your own baby. This is an experience a new Mom should have no matter what and no matter who is around... and it is your own "special" time with your baby... in private or otherwise. Bonding is so very important.... especially in the first few weeks of a baby's life. Your baby needs to know YOU, first of all.
Although your Mom is enjoying her role as Grandma and helping you... she needs to understand when to step aside... and let you be with your baby. You and baby need more "together" time....and enjoying each other. Tell your Mom this. You should not have to "ask permission" to have your baby or be with him.
Play your role as "Mom".... you will have your own ways and grow into it, as all Moms do. It is a process, and a special time. Do all you can to be involved...
If anything, show these responses to your Mom. Or hopefully, you both have a good relationship and can communicate with each other.
E.M. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
If you have an open relationship with her to talk and tell her how you feel, do so, if not then you've got to set some boundaries- for yourself and your child. Thank her, try to be an adult and in your power. She has more experience and you are a new mom, it's okay if it seems the way it is, but just know you ARE HIS MOM and no matter what he loves you. You are young and in a major life change and learning experience. You just have to love yourself and keep giving yourself positive feedback. This will build on itself. Plus as babies get older they know moreso who their mom is. Your baby is only 5 weeks, and at that age they are pretty happy with anyone as long as their fed, warm and slept. Also it's okay your mom feels a little more comfortable- she should, you are new, that doesn't mean you aren't a great mom or going to be a wonderful mom. just let yourself be in the learning process and try to just relax as much as possible and feel the love and RESPOND to yourself when YOU WANT YOUR OWN BABY. WHEN YOU WANT HIM- TAKE HIM!!! Step up- that is what being a mom is about!
She is probably having that hormonal response and is loving all of it. I had a really hard time when my mom came and helped with the baby because my mother was not very nurturing when I was a baby and I did not have the same kind of bond I did with my newborn. The contrast made me feel constricted and shut down and then depressed I was feeling this way around my new baby. If you have the relationship with her to talk, do so, if not then you've got to set some boundaries- for yourself and your child. Thank her, try to be an adult and in your power. good luck, it's going to get easier, keep remembering this is a major change!!! be easy on yourself.
S.I. answers from Las Vegas on August 28, 2008
First things first! Stop thinking that the baby is closer to your mom than you. She just has him more. Your baby is your flesh and blood and the bond is with you. You just haven't had the opportunity to share. Tell your mom you love her, and thank her for always being there,but you would like to be the one the baby is with. When needed she will be the first person you call upon when you need a helping hand. Take the baby from her by saying "Mom I love you but Mommy wants her baby." The next time say, Mom, mommy wants her baby." The third time just look her in the eyes, smile, and take the baby without saying anything. (Repeat if necessary). K., you have a great shot at eliminating this problem immediately since your baby is only 5 weeks. Wait; and it will never change.
I am 49 yrs old and about to become a grandmom of a baby boy, too. My daughter has had these talks with me about the grandmother on his dad's side. Your story hit home. If you don't do as I say, I hope you DO something. This is wrong of her and she needs to allow you these special times you'll never get back.
K.H. answers from San Diego on August 28, 2008
Congratulations on your new baby!
Here is the thing. I am going to be blunt here. You are now a mother and your mother needs to realize that she isn't in control anymore(by control, I mean she can't just waltz in and take over). You need to establish boundaries. For example, you are to be the primary caregiver to your baby---when he wakes you get him, when he needs to be fed you feed him, etc. It is ok, for you to ask your mom for help, but she needs to wait until you have asked for it.
This is the time for you to bond with your child and she needs to respect that. Talk to your mom. Tell her what you told us. Also, realize that your mom will probably be hurt but you need to stick to your guns. It isn't easy raising a child, however in order to learn and grow you need to experience the bumps and bruises along the way.
M.P. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I had my daughter at 18 and lived at home. Every time my daughter cried my mom was there to take her, feed her, change her whatever. When out with family everyone always handed her to my mom. I never felt she was more attached to my mom so maybe you are feeling nervous or anxious and the baby is sensing it or you are trying to compete with your mom which is hard because she has many years over you. I did a much better job with my third child them first because I am more mature and know more because I have learned alot of lessons along the way. I was lucky enough that my mom was 5 months pregnant so 4 months later I got my baby back 100%. I remember how fustrated I was those first 4 months and out of respect I wouldn't say anything but talk to your mom and tell her you want to try it alone first because you want to learn and be as good a mom as she is and if you truly need help or feel overwhelmed you will go to her first but you want to try to take 100% responsibility for your daughters sake because one day in will be just you. On a different note the one thing I regret is not finishing college while I did have the support of my mom & family and all the programs that were out their to help young moms so I hope you are going to college or will start and be sure to finish because it is much harder married and with a larger family and older. Best of luck to you and your little one
T.D. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
Newborns can sense other people's emotions. When my sister had her daughter, my mom helped her out a lot because my sister was very eneasy caring for the baby. She was new at it and just didn't know what to do, and the baby could sense that and therefore cried alot when my sister held her. My mom, on the other hand, was the oldest of 13 children and had 3 of her own, so she could care for a baby just as easily as she could breathe. She could quiet down any baby within seconds.
I'm sure your mom is just tryting to help, knowing how overwhelming it can be for a first time parent. To get things back on track, I would suggest that you tell your mom how much you love her and appreciate her help, but that you want to try to do all of the care from now on. The only way you're going to become more at ease with the baby is through experience. Almost every new parent needs to go through this. There's a huge learning curve! You don't say how much baby experience you have, but at age 19 it's probably not much. Give yourself a chance to figure out your son on your own terms and in your own time. You're very lucky to have an experienced caregiver at your disposal, so use her for advice and so you can take the occasional shower. ;-) But try to make a go of it on your own. It won't be easy, but it's the only way to form that strong mother/son bond you desire.
Best of luck to you and your precious little boy.
C.N. answers from San Luis Obispo on August 28, 2008
Now, waaaaaiiiitttt a minute. This is only 5 weeks, and you just don't have a clue what a wonder it is to a Grandmother to be able to be with her grandchild. It is like magic and answer to pray at the same time. Grandmothers are the babies first true friend. Now notice, I said friend. You will be the main love of your child forever. I can't speak for teen age years, but you know what I mean. Be open and gracious. My sister was the same way with my children and I let her enjoy them, she really appreciated it and the children enjoyed the extra attention.
You can be sure to put on your own special scent everyday, and that way the baby will be sure to know that is you when you are nearby or holding him. Put it on your neck near where you hold him. I did that for my gr grandchildren because I knew that lots of adoring aunts and other grandmothers would be around, but I would be the only one that smelled a certain way.
You need to learn from your mother's actions with the baby, just watch and notice how she holds him and how she does certain things and her attitude when she is with the baby. Be not afraid all will be well. You have a big responsibility now and it truly is your very own responsibility. Claim it , do not be afraid to ask for advice, but you don't have to follow that advice unless you think that it is what you want for your child. I used to do that and sometimes I took the advice and sometimes I just put it together with someone else's advice, or asked a expert. Like getting on the internet, asking the nurse or doctor, and asking friends that are close to your own age about what they did about such and such. Good Luck and ease up.
Sincerely, C. N.
V.R. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I agree with what the other mothers are telling you. I am 44 and a grandmother to a precious 10 1/2 month baby boy. He and his mother live in my house and she too is a stay at home mom, but will be returning to school next week. My mother, his greatgrandmother is in the house as well and let me tell you, that that child gets an anbundance of attention, if not from me and my husband, then from my mother. My daughter was feeling the same way for a while, but not so much because of me because I work full time and so does grandpa but because of my mother. Since she is home and is a spry 74 year old, she likes taking over and my daughter feels left out or feels like she is not allowed to think for her son. Also, My mother spoils the baby relentlessly and my daughter does not want a spoiled child, so it makes her even more crazy,So I told her, what she needed to do, was to start going out more with the baby to run errands, instead of getting up in the morning and handing him to my mom for feedings, she should stay in her room and feed him, thing like that or her sit with him and feed him without asking. But the spending more time alone with him is what they need. She started doing that and now even though the baby adores, grandma, grandpa and greatgrandma, he looks for his mom when he hears her voice and thats how it should be. Spend more time with the baby and you'll see your confidence grow and how much he really adores his mommy. He will always love his grandma but his heart belongs to his mommy. You'll see. Good luck
L.C. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
This is what babies do. It's hard, but you can't let it make you feel bad because it will change. My son did this with me and my husband. My husband felt rejected because my son wanted to be with me all the time (I was at work all day, my husband was home with the baby). Then things changed... my son wanted my husband more. It goes back and forth. Your son knows you are there and he knows you love him and he is confident that you will be there for him. He is just enjoying Grandma right now. He is lucky to have a grandma who loves him and wants to spend time with him. (There is a woman who wrote in today that her mother in law doesn't want to spend any time with her children so you are lucky to have your mom there!)
I hope this helps! Good luck with the baby!
M.Z. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
K., Great advice from all, I could not have said it better myself. You are young and I am sure your mom is justdoing what comes natural to her. Talk to her in a caln, loveing way and let her know how you feel. I am sure she will understand. Your lucky to have your mom in your life now, it is a special time for you and your baby! Good Luck!
L.S. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
Good for you for reaching out! That is the first step to being a great mom. You have been given a lot of good advice here, now take what feels right and apply it.
I would just like to add that having a baby for any women can be an emotional roller coaster ride and then to add on top of that all the additional stress you have with living at home and trying to establish a new life for yourself and child. That's a lot and that may also be why your baby is a bit more calm with grandma. Take a breath and open up to your mom. Set goals for yourself and child. You will be fine. Take it one day at a time and know that as time goes on, things change.
And please continue to ask for help as you need it. We as mother's need each other.
S.H. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
hi!! A long long time ago, I was in a similar situation! I was a young mom and I lived with my parents, who were both very attached to my daughter, as she was to them...
But, what I noticed was that there was one time of day that neither one of my parents really wanted anything to do with her! And, that time was at 230 or 3 am for her middle of the night wake up... Now, most folks like to train their kids out of these things, but not me. I loved it, from 230-4 am, she was mine, all mine, and we had a super fun time together, enjoying each other's company and bonding without anyone else.
I was lucky, because I was a stay at home mom too, and my parents both worked... SO, the baby and me being up in the middle of the night didn't hurt anything and no one was the wiser, but it made me feel better to have a time of day with her that was just mine and mine alone. And because everyone else was asleep, there wasn't any real need for me to do anything during that time but enjoy her. We snuggled in the bed and laughed and "chatted" and just hung out having fun together. I don't think my parents ever even knew that we had been up, so it was kind of my secret baby time. Eventually, Rachel and I grew out of middle of the night wake up times, but the bonds we made during that time were never erased!
So, I guess my suggestion would be to find a time that can be just you and your son enjoying each other, hopefully when no one else is home or when they are not awake. If you do that, you'll find that the bond with your mother and your baby will loosen a bit, and that your bond with the baby will grow. And, you will not ever have to confront your mom about it at all!
I wish you the best of luck!!
J.W. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
Sometimes it is easy to let our moms help out with the baby a little too much. I was doing that with my mom because she was here to help out. Just consider her help a complete blessing, but don't take advantage. Make sure you feed, hold,love and play with your little one too. They are just bonding and it is normal, but don't miss out on the bonding as well. Good luck. : )
S.H. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I think you have gotten a lot of good advise already. You have also been thrown in a loop taking care of a newborn, and dealing with new emotions and unbalanced hormones--and I understand that living with your parents is pressure enough. I would say take it easy and breathe. You are a young mother and although it might seem tough now, you will really appreciate what your parents are doing for you and your son. I don't mean to lecture, but I didn't have a close relationship with my mother until I got pregnant and my son was born. I find that my mother is the best resource for child-rearing advise, a convenient babysitter and a great friend. Granted I live a couple miles away... but I have come to really appreciate that she is always there for me, and I think that you will too.
If you want to approach your mom about this. Tell her how much you appreciate her and tell her that you just need some time to bond with your baby as she did when you were an infant. Take an hour a day and make it you & baby time. That might really make a big difference for you.
Good Luck and Congratulations!
J.L. answers from San Diego on August 27, 2008
Hi K., I think because you are only 19 that your mom may feel that you are not ready to be a mom, so she has kind of taken over, I have a 19 year old daughter, and i can not imangine her with a baby, You need to talk to your mom about how are feeling, and that you want and need more time with your baby, let her know that you love her and appreciate all the help, but you need more involvement, I'm going to asume you are not married since you are living with your mom. Just so you know, your baby is not rejecting you, he's just very used to your mom. Hope this helps. J. L.
M.C. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I know just how you feel - I'll never forget feeling so jealous about anyone my new baby (esp. my FIRST baby!!) would get attached to. I think it's because I felt so inferior in my capabilities as a (new) mom. I am responding to tell you please not to worry. That baby knows EXACTLY who "mom" is. And of course, it's great that your mom is getting that wonderful bonding time with him too - don't forget, she's the experienced one - she knows just what to do and how to do it so naturally the baby takes to that wonderful, irreplaceable "grandma thing". It's so cool. I had a lot of worry too because I am a twin and I was always so paranoid that my babies would confuse us, but I was stupid because they always know their mom. So just relax and get in there and love that baby!
H.W. answers from Reno on August 28, 2008
My eyes are filled with tears just reading this:) You are the only Mommy he will ever have and right now you have to grab yourself, shake yourself and get your confidence up!!!
First thing, be so thankful your child is able to be held and loved by your Mother. I had a baby that no one could touch and it was very hard. With that said here is an idea.
I have 2 children (2 and 1 years old) and I make special time with each. So start some special things only you and he share. At night, give him a bath, rub lotion on him and sing the Alphabet over and over. Then after feeding read a book or two to him. He is young but this will become your special time. He needs to hear your wonderful voice, snuggle close and smell you:)
Also, get out of the house!!!!!!
Bundle him up and take him for a walk. Sing to him, tell him all the things you see, flowers, cars etc.
What works for your MOM... will not work for you. Start focusing on how you can sooth him in your own way. Your Mom will be full of Do's and Don'ts. Living with them is hard but the GREATEST Joy she will have is watching you grow as a Mother and as a Woman.
YOu might ever tell her "Mom, you are so amazing with him he is so lucky to have so much love." Saying this out loud might help you both. I heard something the other day you might consider....
A Grandma (who's daughter lives with them said) My Daughter said to me "I might be a single Mother but I am not a single parent and I am so thankful my Son has so much love". She said it made her cry with joy and the best compliment she had ever had.
But look, you are Mom and the only way you can work through this is remember him in your belly. Think of him moving and rolling around. YOU KNEW HIM THEN and know him now so trust your heart and know that you have to Face your feelings and not turn away when your heart feels so broken.
Also, he is too young now, but soon he will be ready to get out a bit. Start finding play group, infant classes (many are free). Search google for Mom's clubs. There is "MOPS" in most cities. Start making plans for him. You both need friends and support. These are things the two of you should do together... alone:)
You a strong woman and God trusted you with most amazing soul in the world! Focus on how you are going to grow as a person and what kind of life you are creating for him.
I will say a prayer that God will touch your Mother's heart and help her to learn to let go and trust in you more each day.
If you ever need to talk you can send me a message anytime:)
All my best,
(I was born to a 17 year old Mom... and became a 1st time Mom at 33 myself!)
C.S. answers from Las Vegas on August 28, 2008
I am sure you are not rejected by your baby, you are mommy and there is no one like mommy. It is great your baby has a good bond with Grandma, however she does need to step aside to do your job and bond yourself.
I had a wonderful bond with my grandmother and I will never forget her. I am 40 years old and am still saddened by her absence. While I loved her so much, I could never replace her with my mother. I had a special relationship with both of them. I thought that was the way it was suppose to be until I had my second baby and found that she really doesn't have that bond with her grandmother (husbands mother). Her bond is with her Grandfather. Since birth she lay so calmly on her grandfather's chest and cuddle with him, while she squirmed right out of her grandmother's arms. When grandpa is here, I give her up and he takes over. When he leaves she is sad, cries, and throws a fit. Then her and I find something to do to take her pain away and she gets over it.
Best of luck to you...remember, there is nothing like Mommy. You will be fine.
B.B. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
Talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. He is your son and you are his mom. He nees to bond with you. You need to experience everything you can with him. You and he need to learn together. Mom is there to help you that is great. But she needs to learn to step back and help. Not do all of it for you.
J.D. answers from Reno on August 28, 2008
It's probably just your hormones talking. When my first baby was born, I couldn't stand it when my mother-in-law held him. I felt like she was trying to take him away from me, which was absolutely rediculous and I realized after my hormones leveled off that I was being silly.
Your baby knows that you're his momma. He was inside you for nine months, so he knows you better than anyone else. He's probably comfortable with your mom, because she's had children before, and it's your first time and you're not comfortable with everything that goes into caring for a baby.
Talk to your mom, I'm sure she'll understand. Ask her for guidance when you're caring for him, and you'll be a pro in no time.
Congrats on the new baby. Good luck! :)
N.V. answers from Las Vegas on August 28, 2008
While there are positives to living with your parents, there are definitely some struggles too. This is YOUR baby and you need to gain the new mother experiences so you can be the best mother possible for your son. Bonding and getting to know him starts now, and it will impact your relationship with him for the rest of your lives.
Since your mother obviously is available and wants to help, she should focus first on household chores (things that will always be around to do no matter the age of your child) instead of holding and bonding with your son, things you should be doing. You should be the one to feed him, especially if breastfeeding (of course!) and other mommy duties. It would be best if she step back on the mothering and step up on the other essentials (meals, laundry, etc), if she must help. She could also help with diaper changes or watching him while you have to be away (shower, naps, occasional outings, etc), but only when you ask. You have the right to do anything you want to do (even if that includes baths, diaper changes, feedings). You just need to establish this with her, in a loving kind way.
The times when he's awake and happy should be the time you spend with him the most. You want to be the one to see his milestones and "firsts".
Assess the specifics in your unique situation and respectfully approach your mother with your wishes and requests, asking her to help in whatever you feel comfortable and ask her to let you do certain things, so you can feel like the real mother that you are! You can verbally speak with her, or lay it out in a letter if you're uncomfortable talking about it.
Best of luck,
L.S. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I understand that it hurts to feel that your baby "loves" grandma more than you. That's not it. We all have different energy, different 'baggage' that we're carrying and trust that for now--not forever--your baby gets nourished by your mom. Your mom has different things to offer your child. That's really a great thing. A few years ago when I was teaching preK, one of my students' moms was upset because her daughter spoke of me all the time and said that she loved me and wished she could have two moms--her mom and me. She initially felt bad, just like you, that maybe her daughter loved me "more." She came to understand that her daughter trusted me, that I cared for her and thus it was a very healthy attachment to me, in no way jeopardizing their relationship. She knew her daughter was safe and growing with me--what more could she want from a teacher? (or from a grandma?)Love is like the sun--it doesn't run out. Even if 100,000 people go to the beach, there is always enough for everyone. Talk to your mom about it to share your feelings and tell her how glad you are that she is so close to her grandchild. You'll come to see it that way, I promise.
A.B. answers from Las Vegas on September 05, 2008
I'm 22 and I have a 4 year old and a 4 month old. I felt the same way with my son when he was born. The only thing there is to do is to be honest with your mom like I did. I simply told her that I love her and I'm so thankful that she is helping me with the baby but I need to be the one he turns to for comfort and support because when I eventually moved out he would only have me to rely on. So I would do all his feedings, diaper changes, baths and all the comforting when he was teething or hurt etc.. and all she could do was play with him so he knew who is mom was.
D.M. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
Let me start by saying it's up to you.
When my son's father and I split I was three months pregnant. When I moved back home, my son was just two months out of NICU and needed constant care. I couldn't work because it was far more expensive to get him a caregiver to administer meds and take care of him, than is was for me to work and sell my things.
I was a wreck emotionally and had no experience with being a Mom. At first, I felt threatened by my Mom's security and experience with having raised two kids. My son seemed more relaxed and quiet in her arms...it was just me and my own emotional turmoil. Once I sat down and talked to her about it, she cried and apologized to me for creating a sense of insecurity in my own abilities. My Mom told me what a good Mommy I was and how she just wanted to help and take some stress off my shoulders.
Today, we still live with my parents. Together we have created a game plan for helping me save money to buy a house in the area nearby, I have the best babysitters in the world! My parents have the most amazing bond with my son and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. As adults, it is a struggle to find boundaries, when the other adults are the one's who raised YOU. But, trust me it has to be done or you'll just find yourself more and more frustrated.
What I did:
1.I started by taking morning walks with my son to the park.
2. Enrolled in a Mommy and Me class at the local Gymboree and Park.
3. Found a Parents without Partners support group.
4. Created a nighttime routine that began with us spending time alone in our rooms, upstairs and away from everyone.
5. Made special Grandma time on the weekends when she was home from work, so that I could run errands, get a hair cut or take a bath.
Basically, I started a bonding routine between me and my son...so, now when I get home from work he runs to the door and hearing that "Mommy" as I walk in, is the most beautiful thing on the planet. But, really take the time to talk to your Mom and let her know this is hurting you and effecting your ability to bond with your son.
Good luck and feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to!!
E.B. answers from San Luis Obispo on August 28, 2008
You have every right to be upset about your baby with your mom. My daughter was living with us when she had her first child. I made sure that she did most of the taking care of my grandson so that he would bond with her. Do you breastfeed or bottle feed? If you bottle feed, be the one to give your baby the bottle. If your mom is doing it all the time or more than you, she will bond with the baby. Don't worry, it is not too late. But you will have to assert yourself with your mom and let her know that you need to spend more time with the baby and the baby needs his mom. She loves her grandson, but she needs to know that you can handle being the mom, and that she must take the role of grandma. Lovingly, and gently, tell your mother that you appreciate all that she is doing, but you need to bond with your son. It comes easy for a grandma to calm a baby down from previous experience. But you must learn how to do it also. Even if he doesn't calm down, don't give him to your mom to calm him down. He is getting mixed signals and that is why you need to clear it up now. Remember, you had him, not your mom. I love all three of my grandsons, but I have to remember, and sometimes my husband and I have to remind each other, that we will not always agree with how they are being raised, but they are not OUR children, but OUR grandchildren. My grandchildren are being treated just fine. It is a generational thing. You can show this to your mom if you want too. Maybe it will help her break free a bit and just enjoy being grandma. Grandma is really a cool thing to be!
I hope this helps you and your mom. I know she loves you very much, but she needs to let you grow into the woman and mother you will become. A loving, happy, secure mom, and woman.
With love and understanding,
R.A. answers from Los Angeles on August 27, 2008
Good advice so far. Congrats on your new baby.
Are you breastfeeding? If you are, it's a great opportunity to bond with your baby. Make sure you keep eye contact while he's feeding. He'll get to know your smell and such. Plus, breastmilk is something only you will be able to provide. =) Grandma will have to let you step in.
But like everyone else said, let her know how you're feeling. If she takes him away if he's getting fussy, let her know that you need to learn to calm him down.
Hope it all works out.
C.K. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
hi, i was a mom at your age too( my 1st born 10 days before i turned 18). now i am a grandma & i can tell you that your mom loves that baby very much. be glad for that. read kerry w.'s question on mamasource from the same day as yours & see that it could have gone the other way! my son, wife & baby girl used to live with me & it was the same way but when they moved out i can see the baby more connected to her mom & dad than me, however, i have a grandmother/grandaughter bond that is strong & cannot be broken but is as it should be. you are very young, as i was, & others will make you feel you are too young to be a mom & you have to show them you can do it! it is good your mom is there for you & allows you to stay. i loved having my son, wife & baby live with me. some parents may not be as supportive. take the help from your mom & be glad you have!!! good luck!
M.O. answers from Los Angeles on August 28, 2008
I wouldnt take it so personal, your a new mom with alot of new responsibilities and concerns of doing everything the right way. Your mom is experienced and her nerves are probably calmer then yours. Just try when you hold your new baby to stay calm and relaxed, don't let the little things make you anxious, your baby will feel it. Trust me no matter what he will always know who his mom is. Also being a mom is hard I know I have 2 girls, but try not to need her so much, do everything yourself. Make sure your the one who gets up with him morning, nap and in between, you feed him and you bath him. Not that your mom can't or that you should make it a point that she shouldn't but don't ask for the help.