36 answers

Baby Attached to Grandma

my baby boy is 5 weeks old now but i feel like he's more attached to my mom then me. we live with my parents so they are always around. but i'm a stay at home mome right now so i'm always here. i love my mom &i know she adores my baby but i just feel like she always has him &she doesn't want to give him back. he's even calmer &happier with her then he is with me. &i don't know what to do; i feel rejected.

What can I do next?

More Answers

Hi. I just had a baby on July 30th so ours are pretty close in age. ;) I would agree with the first opinion. I'll bet it's hard for your Mom to see you as a mother (I mean that it's hard for her to change her perspective). She sees herself as a mother and you as her child, so when a baby comes in the picture, she acts as the "mother."

In the beginning, there is some transition time and getting to know your own baby. That means that there are some sleepless nights, cranky baby times, and frustrating moments. Your Mom was probably trying to "rescue" you from these things because she loves you so much.

I would say something to my Mom like, "Mom, you have helped me SO much with _____. I know how much you love him and can tell that he adores you too. I am feeling like my son is not as attached to me as I'd like him to be. I want him to know that he can trust me, as his Mom, to take care of his needs. That means, that I have to be the one to respond to him most of the time."

Then, I would make sure to not treat your Mom as a babysitter for a while. If you have to run to the store, take your baby along with you. If you are meeting a friend for lunch, take your baby with you. Show your Mom that you are capable of mothering and show your son that you are there for him.

Things will DEFINITELY improve with time - especially since you desire a stronger bond with your baby. You are blessed to have a mother who is willing to help you. Your son needs as many loving people in his life as he can get and it will be wonderful for him to be securely attached to you AND Grandma as well. He will feel like a million bucks as he's growing up.

2 moms found this helpful

It happens. I felt that way when I visited my Mom with my son when he was 6 months. He went right to her and even wanted her to put him to bed instead of me! That had never happened. I think our Moms are just calmer and more at ease then us first time moms. Attempt to get more one on one time with your son. Make your own little routine. Take him on walks to the park and sit with him there in the morning. Make sure you are the one who picks him up from his nap and spend some cuddle time with him before coming out of the room.

Remember this is not rejection. I know, hard to not feel like it. Plus babies really do absorb how you are feeling, so if you are frustrated and stressed with your mom, your baby will feel the tension and they don't really like it. You tense up, you're not as patient. Basically, a calm Mom makes for a calm baby.

Keep in mind that this really is a blessing. I would have killed to have someone (especially my mother) have that relationship with my child early on. It really takes the pressure off you. You can actually have some me time and that is an amazing thing. As your son grows, you'll have someone to help that he not only feels comfortable with, but feels that true unconditional love connection with. That's so important. In the end, you guys are all a team. I didn't have my Mom around and I would have loved to have a team like that. A child really does grow better being raised by a tribe.

Anyway, your son is 5 weeks! Congrats on making it this far and still having the energy to write! ;))) You're doing great and it'll all work out.

1 mom found this helpful

I was 19 when I had my first baby. I had those feelings too, but realized that some of it was the hormones and the rest were all good intentions from family members. You got very good advice from the other moms. I can't think of anything else to tell you other than to trust that you are a good mom and that you're baby isn't rejecting you. Your hormones are kind of crazy right now which may be driving irrational thoughts about your baby rejecting you. Your baby knows who you are just by your voice. He heard you when you were carrying him and recognizes you. I always doubted myself because I was so young, but realized that it was very dumb for me to have done that. I was and am an excellent mother as are you. If you love your baby and you're doing your best to meet his needs, you're a great mom. I think the others mothers are right by telling you to set boundaries. Maybe "assign" jobs. YOU decide what your mom can help you with and take advantage of the help because motherhood is a tough job and can become overwhelming. You will take the experience that your mother has and the experience from other mothers around you, make it your own and learn from it. Try not to be on the defense. I was and it personally hindered my self-esteem. Lots of luck. Congratulations. :)

1 mom found this helpful

K.,

I will make this short and sweet. When my first daughter was born, my mom was there for every breath she took. I remember clearly feeling like it was almost too much. I often felt excluded like they were their own little club and I wasn't invited. Eventually I started doing things for my daughter and nicely letting my mom know that I could handle it. I was 19, so I totally get that part too. Just know that it is natural to feel a little left out. However, it is important that you know your mom is doing it with love.

When my second daughter was born, my mother was given 3 weeks to live. She survived 2 months. I would give anything to have had my mother there doing way too much for my daughter. Everyday I see how much my oldest daughter misses her grandma and I see how much my younger daughter doesn't even remember her.

You have every right to feel how you feel. Just remember how blessed you are to have a mother who is healthy and willing to be there for you and your child.

Good Luck...

1 mom found this helpful

Talk to your baby. Tell your baby how you feel. Spill your heart as much as you need to your new little man. Say, "I am your Mama, and I had you very young, so we are living with your grandparents because they love you so much and want to help out. I would have waited to have you until I had my own home, but it had to have YOU, so it had to be now. Grandma and Grandpa love you very much, but you are my child. I will always be your mother. We will always talk and tell each other our thoughts. I am so happy you came to me. Thank you for picking me to be your mother..." Whatever is on your heart.

You're not going to change your mother. It would be optimal if she would pick up on your need to bond and learn how to care for your son in your own way, in your own time, but her heart is brimming over with love for her grandson and she can't help herself.

Talk to your child. He may not understand the words, but he will understand something of the intention, and the sound of your loving voice will always be tinkling somewhere back in his earliest memories.

Congratulations, and welcome to motherhood!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K., I have a 10 month old little girl and have a nanny vs a grandma who spends a lot of time with my baby. It's completely normal to fear your baby might like your mom more than you.

I work from home so have nursed (still am) and been able to spend a lot of time with her. Many times I have felt that my baby likes the nanny more than me (especially when I am sleep deprived and hormonal) and it made me feel like a psycho even having those thoughts.

It feels awful, but really it's not true - your baby has a connection with you that no one can replace...ever. What really matters to us as mothers is that our child is getting adored by everyone that care takes them. The more our babies are loved the better. (it would be way worse if the baby didn't like grandma!)

Best to you and your new family!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K.,
I am 41 and a single Mom. I have a nine month old baby.
We live part of the time with my parents. I feel that the exchange for living at home: not paying rent and having someone to help with the baby, is to let my Mom do what she feels best with my daughter. Sometimes it makes me crazy like when she insists on putting her outside, but I don't say anything. Most of the times I am so happy to have someone to give the baby to so that I can read, work, talk on the phone and just not have to be totally in charge of a little baby for a minute.
I feel like it is a positive change in our relationship at that it is a part of being a new parent to let go and not have to be in control every minute.
I am sure that you are exhausted and your hormones are crazy. Be patient and enjoy the fact that you have someone, who loves you and your baby there to help you.
Your baby has enough love for you and your Mom and you will always be first.
Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K., (Pretty name by the way)
Remember, you are postpartum and your hormones will play tricks on you for awhile yet, making you feel extra emotional.
Your Mom probably has the best of intentions and has probably just fallen in-love w/ your son, likely the same way she did with you when you were born. I don't know if you are brestfeeding, but that certainly helps w/ bonding w/ your son and no one else can do that! Alternatively, if you are bottle feeding, you may want to take those over yourself to help w/ bonding, I would also suggest getting a sling and "wear him" more. Try to stay calm, try your best not to get resentful, but take over as many baby duties as possible (feedings, baths, putting baby down for naps, etc.). Talk with your mom about how you feel in a tactful way. Try not to hurt her feelings though, there will be times that you will really need her! Also, bear in mind that she may really have some helpful advice that she can impart to you, hopefully in a kind way. I guess ultimately what I'm trying to say, is try your best to bond with your son, and that takes time and energy, but let your mom know this is what you are trying to do so she doesn't feel pushed away or rejected too. Best of luck K. and congratulations on being a Mommy. ~~L.

1 mom found this helpful

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