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Awkward Moment with My Teenage Son-what Would You Have Done?

Okay, I need some advice on this one. This evening, my teenage son (16 1/2) was digging through his wallet and a condom fell out onto the floor. We both stood there and watched it fall, and then I said, "Well...that was interesting." He turned purple, began stuttering and said "I never used it!" Well, duh, I could see that. I really did not know what else to say. My husband is a bit of a prude so my boys feel much more comfortable talking with me about these things, but I was a bit speechless. He has had the "sex" talk and we have open lines of communication, however I just didn't know what else to say, if anything. (He has had a girlfriend for the past 3 months by the way. A nice girl, but she could certainly stand to wear a bit more clothing.)

Part of me feels fortunate that if my son has decided to become sexually active, at least he's being smart about it, but the other part of me feels as though I need to have some sort of conversation with him...I just don't know what conversation to have at this point. He was extremely embarrassed by the situation. I don't want him to shut me out, but I know we need to talk, don't we? help!!

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So What Happened?™

Well, let me begin by saying an enormous THANK YOU! You folks are the ABSOLUTE BEST!! I truly appreciated all of your comments, support, suggestions and feedback, more than you can imagine. As was pointed out by a couple of people, I help others deal with their relationship and family issues daily but when it came to my own kid…Uggg, I was stuck. Therefore, I read each and every response several times and took tidbits from just about everyone to compose the content of the “chat” I had with my son yesterday. So here’s how it went…

I picked him up from soccer practice yesterday and decided to broach the topic then since we would be the only two in the car. I must admit I was a bit nervous and had already planned at which point on the freeway I would begin “the talk”. Soooo, when I reached that point on the road, the little voice inside my head yelled, “Go!!!”. I began by saying, “Okay, son, so now that the initial embarrassment from yesterday is over, it’s time for you and I to have some real talk. So tell me, are you sexually active?” and held my breath. I must say I was a bit surprised by his answer. ..here’s a summary. He said, he was “kinda” sexually active in that he’d had sex twice, but only because SHE was hounding him constantly and would not let it go. He said he finally gave in about a month ago because SHE wouldn’t take “no” for an answer, but that he felt really weird about it and now their relationship is awkward. He said he told her they “could not do this anymore” because it’s messing up their relationship, and told her they needed to back up and try to go back to the way things were. He said he was embarrassed because she told her mother and that if she cannot accept a sexless relationship then he was going to have to break it off with her and try to find someone with a similar focus and value system as himself. I was FLOORED! So, bottom line, I told him I’d wished he would have waited until he was older, in a more mature relationship, and preferably married, but since we cannot put toothpaste back into the tube, I was so proud that he had the maturity to step back, re-group and set new parameters for their relationship, as well as the fact that he was obviously behaving responsibly.

We then went on to discuss how sex complicates relationships, how condoms are not fool proof (especially ones kept in wallets), how although at his age the body appears ready but the mind really isn’t and good meaningful sex comes from mental and emotional connections rather than just a physical one, and how for teenagers sex is often equated with “ownership” and he is too young to be “owned” by anyone. He listened, made comments, asked questions and generally responded perfectly. And in the end, I learned something about my son and about myself. I learned that the person sitting beside me was no longer my little boy, but was rather a young man with morals, values and intellect, trying to navigate his way through the matrix of life. And me…well, I learned that I was successful in ending the cycle of sex being a taboo subject like it was in my home growing up, and that though imperfect, I have done a pretty good job with these crazy kids of mine. So ONWARD we go into the unknown, ever evolving, magical blessing known as parenthood. I wouldn’t rather be doing anything else right now!!

Thanks again ladies, YOU ARE THE BEST!!! XOXOXOXO
D.-

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You're funny. And that's probably exactly what I would have said under the circumstances.

Keep the conversation short and simple. I like to do it when we're driving in the car so nobody has to look at each other. Commend him for being responsible (condom) and quickly tell him any other thoughts or concerns you have on the sex thing. If you don't have anything else you need to add about sex (or possible parenthood - condoms break), just reiterate not to get swept up in horniness/passion and forget or not bother to use the condom.

Then maybe buy him a box just to really press the point home.

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D.,
My kids all come to me on the subject of sex. They know they can tell me anything and they usually do. I would have just said is there anything you want, or need to tell me? I also would have offered to buy more later should the need arise, just so they could be safe. Not just for diseases, but for pregnancy too. I know too many girls who are raising their child by themselves, and the boyfriends parents don't even know that they have a grandchild out there.
W. M.

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I seem to remember in high school and college there were "Health Fairs" and things like condoms would be given out...he may have gotten it this way. In other words he may not have acquired it with intent to use it, but just took it when it was offered. Since he was so embarrassed, he probably wouldn't have had the nerve to buy any. I knew a guy who was 21 and still too embarrassed to buy them!

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Wow... I've never been the first to respond on mamasource!!! This must REALLY be an awkward subject for a lot of people!!! :-)
First, let me say that I survived a teenage son. He's 21 now and is a thriving young adult.
That said... on the condom. I would definately talk to him about it, but not in a lecturing or judgemental kind of a way. Just approach him with "I wanted to make sure you know.."
The things I would make sure to talk to him about are #1: Condoms kept in your wallet for too long can not be relied upon for birth control or STD protection because they are exposed to heat in the wallet and are more prone to become brittle, tear, etc. Tell him he could google this if he wanted, as it is a well known fact, and that although it is good that he carries one, he should toss it out and replace it every 3 months or so if it is not used. Make sure he knows that he can always get more condoms for free from any planned parenthood office, should he not feel comfortable purchasing them himself or asking you or your hubby for them.
The second thing I would talk to him about is to help him grasp the concept that intimacy between two people is more than just a physical act. If he has a girlfriend of 3 months and the condom is still in his wallet, I'd be willing to bet they're not intimate yet, so now is the perfect time to have this conversation with him. Explain to him how bringing that kind of intimacy into his relationship will change the dynamic of the relationship, making them both feel more emotionally vunerable, and that physical intimacy will also open doors to whatever unspoken expectations each partner holds for what an intimate relationship "should" be, what rules it must follow, what the partner must live up to, etc. We each have our own ideas of what that kind of relationship looks like, and if they take the time to talk about it first, both will have the opportunity to understand each other's expectations and there will be no surprises after the fact, when both are much more emotionally vunerable.
This is also a perfect opportunity to tell him WHY we are advised to save intimacy until we are married - and the reality of this is it is because we are so dearly loved.
By abstaining, we can be saved from the pain and confusion that sometimes errupts from premature intimacy, and by choosing abstanation we can spare our girlfriend/boyfriend from these things as well. On a larger scale, making the choice to abstain until marriage makes a very loud statement about a person's desire for and recognition of the importance of building strong, healthy families - a concept that is rapidly disintigrating in our society and especially within your young son's generation.
This is not intended to be a sermon on marriage, either from me to you or from you to your son... but rather words of wisdom spoken in love, and out of genuine concern for each other.
The reality is that someday your son WILL be a father, and the decisions he makes in regards to that condom he's carrying in his wallet today, will have everything to do with what he builds for then.
As his mother, you love him, and you want to see him grow up to be a strong man, productive, healthy, and a responsible and trustworthy head of his household who instictively steers away from unilateral thinking and instead views his family as one solid unit that moves together in all things as a whole.
It is important that he start building these concepts now, as he embarks upon the decisions that will eventually lead him there.
Much, much luck to you and your son, and many, many blessings to the future generations that will come through him. :-)

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Your talk kind of depends upon your family's values and how you feel about him having sex at his age.

If you prefer that he wait longer, let him know that you realize that his body feels ready for a sexual relationship but emotionally he may not be. Most girls want a deeper commitment from their boyfriend if they are going to have sex. So ask him if he is really ready for it. Do praise him for being prepared for the eventuality and let him know that it really does make you happy that he has thought ahead about his and his girlfriend's safety and future. Do remind him that condoms are not 100% foolproof and having sex could put them both in a difficult situation if his girlfriend ends up getting pregnant due to failure of the condom. Also remind him that carrying a condom in his wallet can put stress on it that may cause it to break.

If you feel he may have sex regardless of your family values, remind him that although you would be slightly disappointed, that you are there for him if he needs to talk. This is exactly what I told my son even though he is only 14 and shy and doesn't even have a gilrfriend yet. I also told him that our bodies have not adapted to our current lifestyle of school, college, work, then family...they are still hardwired to begin searching for a mate and procreating in the teen years due to past lifespan being 30-35yo. It really is unfair that thier hormones during adolescence make these urges very strong and I told him that I would understand even though it would make me a little unhappy. Good job and good luck!

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If it were my child I would try to steer him towards abstinence. I guess I would cover these points:

Because I am religeous i would cover that base first. God made sex to bond marriage partners. Outside of marriage it can cause great hardship and pain rather than the blessing it was intended to be. Sex outside of marriage can cause unwanted pregnancy, no matter how careful. Single parenting can cause more financial hardships than co parenting. Emotionally it is draining.

Sex outside marriage can make a person feel used or defiled. As a future man, I would encourage my son to honor any female and not defile her unless he was married to her. The Bible says she is the weaker sex, (I beleive that to mean more emotionally fragile or tender)which is a lovely thing- it's what makes women so special to men- and it should be respected. I might even go into the ideas that unwed females might have when they have sex with unwed males- they may tend to think "this is the one!" and are already writing his surname on the end of her first name on her notebooks!. I think males do not tend to think this way. In this regard then, it is wrong for a male to seek to have a woman's "parts and heart" who he does not intend to marry.

I assume most people now adays don't just have straight intercourse, they french kiss, have oral sex, or what have you. These are all avenues to contract disease. Many diseases are lifetime diseases. Anyone who is "marrying material" is not going to want someone who is bringing a disease on board. Especially if she ever wants children- the disease can be spread to her babies.

When you sleep with someone, you dont just sleep with them but everyone they have slept with before you.
Any girl who would sleep with you in the first few months of dating was also willing to sleep with any guy who she dated before you. A girl who sleeps with you on the first date would VERY likely do so with many other guys on the first encounter.

My first boyfreind (at 14) would open his wallet and have rubbers fall out. He even had his freind ask him questions about sex in front of me to make himself look macho. We did our innocent 'kissing behind the bleachers' for the summer and he just kind of dissapeared from my life. He re-entered again 4 years later and at this point after a few months of dating wrote me a letter asking me to marry him and telling me he was a virgin!(which I beleive was true).
So just because your son has rubbers does not mean he has used them. I think many boys might carry them for show.

Good luck,
G.

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Hello D.: I am the mother of 5 and the proud mother to several foster children and a Grandmother. It is from these experiances that I want to respond to your question.
In our home my sweet husband is truely the heartbeat and the kind one I am the one that is direct and hits the ground running just so you understand where I am coming from.
When our children were young we took in newborns that were for adoption but not placed yet for various reasons. I always put my children in charge of the babies so that they were the main care taker when they got home. The lesson learned was important and has stayed with them and their friends & now is being taught to their children. We stayed within just a few standards when it came to sex. I was clear and firm in what I wanted them to know and how I felt about them being sexually active-
1. I want to be a mother in law before becoming a Grandmother.
2. Sex, is a powerful feeling and can be controlling and destructive when used wrong. So respect yourself enough to not be sexually active until you have met the person that you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with--- that doesn't happen at 12, 14 or 16 as a rule.
3. Do you have the guts and the strength to accept the responsibility of a new life no matter how much protection you use. My husband as a math teacher gave an assignment that was aappreciated by several students and parents with wonderful notes of thanks. Assignment: Figure out the cost of formula, clothes, diapers, day care, medical, emotional, rent, and no sleep because the child is ill-- and the other parent has just jumped ship and isn't helping. What is the cost of being a teenage parent. This same man also taught kids how to do geometry usuing a pool table. He had strong feelings about teaching where the kids were coming from.
So if you can't afford it then just like with any expensive item YOU WAIT.
Yes, we have literally had these conversations with more than one child and more than one time with our kids. Some foolishly thought I might change my mind. Some of them had never heard of standards until they lived with us so not being sexually active was an interesting concept. Some had such little self esteem that they were willing to sacrifice what they really wanted - self respect- for the chance to be held and yes, used. Planning on being ready and being cool by having a condom at hand so you look cool to your friends in case it comes up is a child thing and sex is an adult thing.
# 4. Do you have the sexual genelogy of the partner that you are with?? In this day and age one should be fully aware that unless you are both only with this one person then you are endangering yourself and anyone that you choose to have contact with later. So I guess that I am more about personal self worth and self respect weather you are a young man or young woman.
I have had one child inour home that was abused by her boyfriend and has lived with years of regret about it.
As for the other issue of how the girlfriend dresses---- I have learned that my girls dressed modestly because we expected it. BUT I also learned that my sons girl friends dressed that way because they wanted them to. They didn't want their girlfriends showing off their bodies to someone else. So you might consider talking to your son about what he expects and learn about where he is coming from. It could be a real growing moment. Parenthood is like an adventure ride full of excitement and twists and turns. But it is the most rewarding thing that I have ever done. Good Luck, NanaG

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You're funny. And that's probably exactly what I would have said under the circumstances.

Keep the conversation short and simple. I like to do it when we're driving in the car so nobody has to look at each other. Commend him for being responsible (condom) and quickly tell him any other thoughts or concerns you have on the sex thing. If you don't have anything else you need to add about sex (or possible parenthood - condoms break), just reiterate not to get swept up in horniness/passion and forget or not bother to use the condom.

Then maybe buy him a box just to really press the point home.

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These responses have made me sad. While no you cannot stop them you can talk to them and let the know how you feel. I cannot imagine telling my teenage child it is okay to have sex as long as it is protected. As you see I wrote child because they are still children. If your child is having sex you cannot keep them from getting someone pregnant or getting pregnant. Also my husband works with HIV/AIDS patients and to hear the stories make me sad. I practiced abstinence before I got married and so did all my bros and sisters. So it can be done. If you are going to give him the okay to have sex make sure it is safe-don't let him be one of the ones that ends up becoming a teen dad. Condoms are not always the safest methods. I am sure you can tell I prefer the abstinence method. Good luck!!

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Hi D.. This was perhaps your "aha" moment. Mine came when my son was a little older, when his senior class went to Hawaii to celebrate HS graduation. A few days before he was to leave I got thinking about those hotel rooms, the girls, the....opportunity. I am a single mom with no involvement from the dad so I've been having both the mom and the "dad" conversations with him. In these conversations I always stressed abstinence and the risks of pregnancy, HIV/Aids and the responsibilities and life changes resulting from that. Anyway, knowing my son was VERY social, I wondered if I needed to buy him some condoms for the Hawaii trip. Before I did that, I initiated a conversation with him about, well, you know, the hotel rooms, the girls....So, he got it and replied, "Don't worry Mom, I've got it covered." Well I wasn't so sure I got what he was saying until that "aha" moment came when I said, "Are you sexually active?" He replied, "Yes." Oh, my," was what I was thinking. My son has never had a girlfriend but lots of friends that were girls. So, I said, "oh, how many girls?" He honestly answered there were two. OK. So I told him (this was the mom in me talking) I was disappointed that his first sexual encounters were with people he wasn't in love with, because the experience is so different and utterly wonderful between true lovers than with casual friends. I made sure I kept my emotions in check which really helped my son feel more comfortable discussing this with me. So......he is off to college. Before he left I told him I hoped he would be discriminating with the girls he had sexual relationships with. I told him how much I and my college girlfriends disliked the guys that slept with any girl and I asked him to please to think seriously about not being that "kind of guy." Well, since then I have found condoms everywhere....backpack, car, dorm room. Rather than being upset about it I think how grateful I am that at least he is being smart about it and protecting himself. I recognize that at this point it would be absurd for me to lecture about abstinence......

So.....my advice D. is this: be cool, be non-judgmental and just ask him if he is sexually active and you may be very surprised, as I was, to have him just admit it. This opens the door to have a frank and adult conversation with him about protection, about responsibility, about emotional maturity. Share with him, if you are comfortable, your feelings about this when you were his age. I think the honesty I gave to my son really helped him to feel comfortable and, most importantly, safe in discussing this topic honestly with me, his Mom!

I wish you well with this. It isn't easy but it doesn't have to be hard. I think my son really appreciates my concern and "coolness" about this issue. Of course, I'll never let him know how much I really worry about him as I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his willingness to honestly discuss this "stuff" with me.

Oh, by the way, his University has a robust Health Services program actively discussing sexuality, contraception , risk of HIV/Aids, STDs, providing outreach, counselling.... You know, I don't like it one bit but I am grateful the school addresses it head on. Like it or not, this is the world we live in.

All my best to you on this journey.

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cant say what i would have done, but 16 is a very average age for sex to occur these days, so you have to accept that he is getting ready. i would definitely take the opportunity to have a real, mature conversation about what it will mean if/when he starts that relationship and how things will change and the statistics about birth control failure. also, i saw a woman mention proper use of condoms (so important get over the embarassment and bust out the banana!) but did not mention that you must leave room in the tip by giving a good tug. the last thing you need is a 17 y.o. with a broken condom. sounds like you are feeling the same things all of us will be feeling when our kids embark on this inevitable and life-changing journey. keep up the good work.

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