Awkward Baby Shower Situation

I would just tell her Frances from church is hosting a baby shower for me. Keep a look out for your invitation in the mail. If she can make it, great. If she can't, that's a pity but understandable given the distance.

8 moms found this helpful

I think its crappy of her to put you in the position to have to say something to her, but she has. And you should. Tell her she's not hosting the shower and tell her you'd rather not have to host a house full of people while 8 months pregnant. Good luck!! :)

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You TELL her, that she is NOT the Host.
And, the ladies who are throwing you the Baby Shower, ARE the Hosts. And this is just the way it is.
And yes, if you implant your Sister into this, those ladies WILL be pissed or irked.

Since your sister is so overbearing, you need to just tell her.
I have a sibling like that.
A real bulldozer of a sibling.
And the only thing she understands, is, firmness.

DO NOT BUDGE.
Tell your sister, NO.
And that you will NOT, give her those ladies PERSONAL and private information. That is not your place and you do not have their permission, to do so. And that is the truth.

AND tell her, you are NOT going to Host her and her 4 boys, and your Mom, over the weekend. That is 6 people!
Geez!
Tell her you AND your Husband, CANNOT Host 6 other people in your home... you are 8 months pregnant and have your own children and you are all too busy etc.

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Be flat out honest with her. "I'm sorry, Sis, but I can't give you that information. The ladies hostessing have everything planned out so if/when they ask me who I would like to have attend, I'll give them your address for the invitation list. I would much rather have you attend as a guest with me than have to worry about co-hostessing and making sure preparations are perfectly to your liking. I appreciate that you want to do this for me."

When it comes to where she'll stay during that weekend suggest that she come and leave the boys home with her husband so that she can stay at your house. Make it sound like you're offering her a weekend getaway from the children so that you and she can have some bonding time before and after the shower.

4 moms found this helpful

I can understand her wanting to help plan. I would too, however its not her place. If a friend that she knew was hosting, then fine I could see her joining forces. However, she doesn't know these ladies. This is their time to shower you with their love.

My vote is for family (sis and mom) to not attend THIS shower, but to wait until they come for the baby's birth to bring their presents. 7 Hours is a LONG way to travel with 4 kids for a weekend.

I also agree with when they do visit having sis and boys stay in a hotel.

3 moms found this helpful

I guess I stand alone on this one. She is your sister and wants to be involved in your shower. I would ask your friends if there is a way they
could include her in the planning of this shower. Give your friends her
e-mail address and let them communicate. You stay out of it. As far as
them staying with you, just tell them you are too tired and give them the
name of a hotel they can make reservations at for the weekend. Do not
alienate your family over a baby shower.

3 moms found this helpful

I'm the minority here, but I would tell a little white lie ;-P just to keep the peace. I would tell her I am feeling very tired lately and, though I appreciate the baby shower these sweet women are throwing for me, I'd like to keep it small and short, so it's best to postpone their (your sister's and mom) attendance to a latter shower (which may or may NOT happen, right?). Basically I would make sure they know i don't want it to be a big deal and tiring for me. That's all.

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Is your family having a shower or party of some sort for you that sis will be attending? If so, and actually even if not, the shower that is being held FOR you is not your responsibilty and you have no control over it. Tell your sister you love her, and look forward to seeing her, but you have no control over the shower.

You can have more than one shower - she can plan one for when you're near her or she's near you, or even have one after the baby's born. Good luck!

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Just tell her the truth.

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Tell her that these women are doing it. That you will make sure they have her info to send the invite. and then book her a motel. you dont need all the extras in the house unless you feel up to it.

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It sounds like it's a big deal to her, so I guess what you do depends on whether doing it her way will be better altogether, or whether having her not involved at all will be a worse outcome because she'll get hurt worse by not being involved, than you would be hurt by having her come.

I would first discuss it with the ladies at church, including what you told us about your sister's personality, and the fear that she will take it over. It's possible that the ladies will be *thrilled* to have someone like her take things over, because they don't like coming up with ideas and stuff; it's also possible that they will say, "Thanks, but no thanks". Depending on how the convo goes down, you can give them your sister's contact info, and they can get in touch with her, and either let her take over, or give her things to do (either specifically, or a more general, "if you want flowers/balloons, you can do that"; or, "What colors were you thinking of, and I'll get a bouquet of flowers for that").

As far as her coming -- it sounds like you need to tell them that they will have to have a hotel room, or fend for themselves at your house, because at 8 months pregnant, you won't be a good hostess.

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I would just tell her that its your church friends that are hosting it, not family, and that you don't think its a good idea for her to be involved since she doesn't know them , and they don't know her. If it were your local family giving the shower, then I think you would have to let her "help", but with the church...no. And I would also say that you are not in a position at 8 mo pregnant to host them at your home and to please plan on renting a hotel or making arrangements with someone else if they do want to come to the shower. I would not assume they can't "afford" a hotel. If its such a big priority for them to attend, then they will find a way to pay for the hotel to make it happen. Good luck!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Be honest and say "I love you and really appreciate how excited you are about baby girl. The baby shower is low key and not a big deal. It would mean so much more to me if you could help me host a meet-the-baby party after she's born (or come stay with us after she's born, or whatever)." If she persists, say "I'm exhausted being 8 months pregnant and keeping up with 2 energetic boys. I don't want the baby shower to be a big deal and am trying to keep it low key. I'm excited to have you come visit after baby girl's arrival, but right now I'm just too overwhelmed." Then become a broken record. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I would tell her that it is their event and if she wants to come as a guest she may, but with the "nesting" process you will not be able to accomodate her for the weekend. She may be pissy but hey she is your sister - she will get over it.

1 mom found this helpful

My experience is that with bold people, you have to be equally bold. Or they plain and simple don't get it. And they almost NEVER get that they're steamrolling people!

A) Tell her no. This is something they're doing.

B) Ask her to plan a family shower

C) Combo of A+B

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If this is an older sister, her actions are totally normal. It won't hurt to let the ladies planning the baby shower know that your sister has offered to help and give them her contact information. In that way, you did what your sister asked of you and it is now in the hands of the baby shower planners if they take her up on her offer to assist. If anything, in the end if she doesn't get her wish, at least she won't be upset with you.

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Can you lie and say you're not having a shower? Or, just say they're doing a small shower (cake & presents) at a weekday morning bible study?

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Sorry as she is very brazen isn't she? Too bad so sad...but she needs to know that she will be invited as a guest and nothing more..If she feels so compelled to be quite the party planner then she could host and set up a family shower for you. Enough said.

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i think you know that even if you allow her to attend she will ruin it for you and these nice ladies. She'll either take over or whine and complain the whole time,

find some other type of compromise, I love meet the baby showers, once the kid is born you can show her off.

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Can't you just tell her that they've got it handled & it's already planned? I'd rather there be a little uncomfortableness now than have a total clusterf*ck happen when she no doubtedly tries to take the whole thing over.

Just based on the post, it sounds like you are the passive one & she is the controlling one. If you want your shower to be relaxed, then you need to be honest with her.

She isn't bringing her kids, is she? Doesn't it make more sense for her just to come for the shower?

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Tell her you asked about her helping and that they said everything is done. Of course she is going to come to your shower, she is your family after all. I would think you would be glad to have them there even if it is for a weekend.

Second choice, tell the church ladies you want to wait until after the baby is born and do the shower. That way your mom and sister may already be in town.

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Stand your ground. She might mean well, but she may very well alienate everyone with her pushiness.

The thing about pushy people is that they can move mountains, but sometimes at the price of causing chaos.

I would still invite her, and let her stay at your home. She will leave pretty quick because it's so crowded and she will be uncomfortable.

You know, if it gets too crowded, you can go stay with a friend overnight til later in the morning to give them their "space". Hopefully it won't be long.

Please don't let her run this show, even if she starts getting upset about it. You don't have to tell her why. Just tell her it wouldn't be fair to the ladies who have decided to do this for you.

Good luck~!
D.

1 mom found this helpful

Do we have the same sister? Since I think we do, use distraction. Tell her that the church ladies have it all wrapped up but that you would love it if she did you a "meet the baby" party while she & your Mom are there. Tell her that her party plans are great and she can have the planning of the whole thing to herself. That will excite her if she is anything like my sis. I love her but she is a steamroller. I am just glad I have an iron will. Good luck and don't stress about it.

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If she wants to plan a shower, let her throw you another one.

Just be honest with her. Tell her you don't want to step on any toes, and this particular ball is already in motion, everything's covered and you hope she can make it and have a relaxing time.

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Maybe she can throw you another one? Maybe a small family only one?

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Tell the church ladies that your sil would like to help but also give them the heads up that you would rather not have her host.

or dont do the passive thing like i would and tell her no. this is the church ladies thing and your looking forward to that. allow her to attend but tell her she has to find a place to stay. when she asks why just let her know its overwhelming and you need to take it easy and the easy thing for you to do is not have a house full of people. just keep telling her no. I also have sil and bil that cannot take a hint and i have to be rude to get my point across. get a clue inlaws!!! ugh i feel bad for you ;D

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How comfortable do you feel saying no? You're going to need to say it so get ready.

Tell her what you just told us. At 8 months pregnant hosting 6 people in your home for the weekend is too much for you to handle. They are welcome to come and visit because you'd love the family time but overnight houseguests are way too much.

Also, tell her that you'll make sure she's invited to the shower but it would be inconsiderate and rude for to invite herself to be the co-planner. The woman at your church are hosting it and if they wanted her input they'd have already asked you for your sister or moms contact information so they could plan with her.

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You're right. She has made this an awkward situation.

The ideal situation would be for your sister to realize that getting involved in someone else's party planning is very rude. It's just not done.

But since we're not dealing with an ideal situation, perhaps you could give your sister's email address or phone number to one of the ladies who is doing the planning, explain the situation to her and your sister's "offer" of help, then let your sister know that you have done so and tell her that they will call to let her know what, if anything, she can do. Surely your sister can understand that they have already made plans and it would be terribly rude of her to get involved uninvited.

Next, regarding having to entertain them while they are there for the shower. This may be a little too passive-aggressive, but could you ask the person sending invitations to include a list of hotels nearby in the invitation sent to your sis and mom?

Good luck with this. Family drama adds such stress at times that should only be joyful.

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I think it's lovely that she's so excited for you. However, it really makes it a lot of work for you to have her comestay, and not much fun. Tell her the other shower is a small deal and you don't want (her) to make it into a big deal. Can you ask her to throw you a separate family shower at her place? And you go there?

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Let her know that you are not part of the organizing and aren't sure of the details, but when her invitation arrives she can certainly speak with whomever is listed as the RSVP. If she wants to come for the shower, there isn't much you can do to stop her, but you can ask that the boys stay home with their father for the night and that she come down with just your mom. If that's not an option, offer to split the cost of the hotel. Those are the options. If those don't work, then she'll have to miss the party.

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Yes, it's awkward because she is the dominant type and you are not. This has happened before in your life, so here you go again. Like it has been said, give her name to the ladies and be sure to tell them that you don't expect them to include her. Tell them you were just passing on her info since she is the aggressive type and wanted to help. That way they know ahead of time that she may want to be more involved than they desire. Then know that it is out of your hands.

Since she is so far away, ask her if she would rather plan a party after the baby is born (like a month after) because you don't want to put the baby at risk by having too much commotion (all of her kids) at your house when you are so far along. Ask your doctor what he thinks about you having a house full at 8 mos. Then when he says it's not a good idea, you will not be lying when you say that your doctor advises against any extra commotion.

The same need for quiet is true after the baby is born. Suggest she and your mom go on priceline and see if they can get a hotel for cheap. Offer to split the difference. It would be worth every penny. Tell her that you will split the cost because you really, really want her to come and see the baby right away. That should help calm her down a bit.

If she really wants to come to the shower, ask her if she can come alone or with just your mom and leave the boys with daddy or a friend.

She will not be used to this kind of honesty from you if you have always backed down to her in the past. Don't get into a debate. Use the same words and say the same things over and over again. Eventually she will stop the debate when she can't get you all over the place. You need to take care of yourself and the baby at this point. If she gets a little bent out of proportion, it won't last long. She will want to see that new little niece.

Congrats on your little girl!