Autistic Neighbor

Instead of telling the boy no, be more specific. "We don't touch other people's bottoms." "Please wait to play with the baby until he is finished eating." "You can wait over there until the baby is ready for you." "We use balls to throw, not tap people." I've worked with kids with autism and Aspergers in my classroom, and they've been most successful when I'm specific about expectations. They need things very clear. Just saying no isn't enough - what are you saying no to? They don't always understand.

26 moms found this helpful

As a mother to a daughter with Autism, I don't believe that this boy's behaviors were out of control or horrible. His actions were for the most part age appropriate and typical in this situation if not a little impulsive but he was playing with your children and enjoying the play time. And I have to say that I think perhaps you over-reacted. Maybe the dad wasn't as sensitive to how irritated you were getting, but that's not the boy's fault.

Kids with Autism are very much aware of their own personal space and personal boundaries, but it's nearly impossible for them to "put themselves in someone else's shoes" (hell, they don't even understand phrases like that... metaphors and hyperbole and similes) and that other people need personal space. They just don't until they're older, and then they have a hard time judging what that boundary is and when it's appropriate under which circumstances.

They also have a tendency to really connect with children that are younger than they are because they're more similar to younger children, even babies sometimes. I often think that my 8 year old daughter is stuck in an extended toddlerhood with many of her behaviors and emotions.

There are these... social impairments, if you will, that are very difficult for people with Autism. If this boy is high functioning, then he probably has Asperger's Disorder and therefore social interaction would be extremely difficult for him and he would need a lot of guidance, correction, and encouragement. Something you might not have realized at the time is that for that boy to be the one to initiate play was a huge, huge deal and that THAT is why the father didn't discourage him. The boy didn't do it to make you or your children uncomfortable, but because he was playing and having fun WITH your kids, and he actually initiated play. I wish my daughter could do that. She has social integration therapies at school and is working very hard toward being able to do what this boy did, even if he wasn't quite within etiquette.

Your kids were never once unsafe.

EDITED TO ADD: I'm going to add my private message response to you, since you were so kind as to ask for more help from me. I also want to make it clear that I never once suggested "giving the boy a pass." I have two neuro-typical daughters in addition to my daughter with Autism, so I understand this question from all perspectives, trust me. I NEVER just give my daughter a pass because of her Autism... I'm constantly teaching her boundaries and how to best behave socially and it's a work in progress every day.

Now here's what I responded with privately. All of my responses to this issues have been solely with the intent of offering some insight, not to suggest giving a pass. Just trying to help ease the anxiety and discomfort because so many people simply don't know enough about Autism and the people who have it.

I honestly believe the "vibe" is that he's different due to the autism. I know what you mean, actually, because while my daughter has Autism it's rare for girls to have it. And when I meet little boys that have Autism no matter where they are on the spectrum, it's a different feeling. My BFF has a friend whose son has Autism and is mild, but there's an uncomfortable feeling that's not there when I meet girls that have it.

It really is true that children with Autism have very little impulse control. They also have no natural awareness of social boundaries, and if something is fun and getting a silly reaction from someone else to boot then whatever they've learned about social boundaries is going to fly out the window for a while. They may know the rules apart from situations, but when in the midst of one they don't have that automatic recall and ability to think, "Oh wait, she's telling me to stop, I'd better pull back." or "She's getting upset, I'm going to get in trouble if I don't stop."

And one reason for that is that he literally couldn't read the tone in your voice or your facial expressions or body language. It wasn't him being obstinate or trying to be inappropriate with your children. He wasn't trying to ignore you. He just... couldn't read your urgency because it wasn't exaggerated.

If there's a next time, and he doesn't obey your requests, then you need to address his father and make it clear to his dad that you really need him to stop for ____ reasons. "I'm feeding the baby and she'll get a belly full of gas/get off of her routine if I can't finish feeding her without distractions." He should understand about routines since many, many people with Autism thrive with routine and don't do well without one. If he touches your daughter in an appropriate way and he doesn't stop, then tell the father. "Joe, I've asked Sam not to touch Ella around her private areas while they play. It's really important to me that you reinforce that with him so that they can continue to play together, or I'll start to get very uncomfortable."

I'm usually right on top of my daughter and very socially aware of what she's doing, trying to guide her and teach her... it's not easy. These things don't come naturally at all to these kids. I do think that the discomfort is more about how we as adults have been taught to think about and interpret when someone touches us inappropriately. It's very hard to turn that "off" when coming across someone who is doing something inappropriate but for very, very different reasons. Reasons that don't have a horrible, evil ulterior motive.

Does any of that make sense?

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As the mother of 2 autistic boys (3 &5) I can definetly understand the situation. First off, I doubt that this boy understands what he is doing is wrong. I would take him aside at another time and explain that you know he doesn't mean it but the socially it is not accePtable to touch a girl that way. Help him come up with other ways to play with your daughter. Make sure you tell him good job when he is behaving nicely.
I can relate to his mother though. After watching my boys all day I need to totally relax when my husband comes home. It can be very isolating being the mother of a child with special needs.

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I want you to take a deep breath and relax from the Mommy bear protecting her cub stance and just for one minute remind yourself that the simple fact that he is mildly Autistic most likely means he does not have the mentality of a ten year old. I know in your mind you immediately jumped to a feeling that it was a sexual connotation, I assure you that as a mom that is where my mind would go to as well...but I am also an advocate for people with Autism and try to get other people to be more empathetic. My son is on the spectrum, we are VERY fortunate that he is what they would term high functioning, but I also have a niece who is Not high functioning. People who have Autism will be faced with many many situations where innocent behavior is deemed inappropriate and again I am by no means saying your feelings are not justified. I do think you are going about correcting him in a way that he is not following, being more clear may help you get through more, or talking to the dad about your concerns is probably your best bet, the dad only sees his sons innocence in the situation I am sure, he may not realize that it has made you uneasy. You have got some great advice, redirection is a really good idea.
I hope the situation is resolved and you can feel more comfortable, but no, even I would not be ok with unsupervised play...too many things can happen, and that would be sad for everyone involved.

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You got some great advice which I don't need to reiterate. I will add one point which may not be popular here. Personally, as a mom of 2 girls, I am very sensitive about certain things. Regardless of the way an autistic child should be treated, YOU are the mom of your daughter and it is your job to keep her safe and protected and in a good and happy environment. While the boy I am sure, meant nothing sexual, it is totally not ok for anyone to do this to her, and what about if this should happen to her some other time, with someone who has bad intentions and she lets it slide because it happened to her before, while you were right there? My opinion is you deal with it immediately with the dad, he should make sure he knows how to handle things, and tell his son "no we do not touch other people's bodies." and "no touching the baby, he is eating." etc. Your job is the well being of your kids. It would be good if you can deal with this and teach your oldest child how to be empathetic and play with someone with special needs. But you can't allow an inappropriate environment for your kids. Period.

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I am sure it is hard on you and I can tell you it is hard on the boys parents as well. It is sad that we live in a society that looks for perversion but alas we do. My Andy hugs and kisses on anyone and there is not one thing sexual about it. He just cannot understand social norms. Andy is PDD which in simpler terms is autism spectrum.

I am lucky since I am over far enough to be on the ADD side of the spectrum. I still don't understand all this stalker, freak, pervert mentality but I do understand that to be accepted in society I must fake it. These poor children don't even understand enough to fake it, ya know?

The boy does not want to have his way with your daughter, he considers her a friend. Just as that behavior would not be shocking from a three or four year old boy it is normal for an autistic child.

I am not trying to be mean. I know that vibe but the vibe comes from that feeling that he just doesn't get it. Well he doesn't get it but that doesn't make him a pervert, it makes him autistic.

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I agree about talking to the child's father.... but I'm going to be blunt about why: It is not your responsibility to correct a child's behavior when their parent is present. Any child. If you don't feel you can explain your objections to a certain behavior to another adult, don't expect a child to understand they need to modify their behavior. Any child.

When dealing with an autistic child, the stakes are raised. You don't know the proper methodology for dealing with this specific child (given the framework of his diagnosis.) I urge you to educate yourself in order to be a little more aware and conscientious of your interactions with this family.

Bottom line is you can try redirection all you want. Instead of, Dont touch the baby while I'm feeding him!" Try "Why don't you and my daughter kick the ball back and forth for a while?" Redirection is the most effective (and least offensive) tool you have at your disposal.

That is if you care about maintaining a friendly relationship with this family.

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Wow...what delicate situation!! I don't know what your neighbor means by "mildly autistic"...there is a broad spectrum of behaviors and abilities that fall under the general "autistic" label. Do you know the parents personally, or just from being together as you watch the children play? If you have a personal relationship with them I think I would approach it in this manner.
"I am not familiar with Autistm Spectrum Disorder at all and I was wondering if you could help me to understand how I can most kindly and effectively deal with some actions on his part that have made me feel a little uncomfortable". Then I would kindly, and non-judgementally outline the things that you have told us here. It is very likely that this young boy is just being friendly and enjoys the reaction of your children to his teasing and tickling. One of the issues that so many autistic children deal with is not being "appropriate" with their interactions with others. Think of him as a 3 year old trapped in a 10 year old body....can't you imagine a 3 year old being really amused by your childrens reactions to his teasing and entertaining them?
If you let the parents know how you feel ( and I think you are right to feel this way but also it isn't really fair to blame the young boy...he really can't control himself) then maybe they will be more vigilant in watching his interactions with your children and other young children.
This reminds me of a young man that works in the store where I work. He is a sacker and it is very evident that he has some mental and emotional issues. I do not know what his diagnosis is...but his reactions to people can be a bit bizarre. It is nothing for him to just barrel through a line of us as we are waiting at the time clock for that "magic moment" when we can all clock in....he doesnt understand that he needs to wait in line and take his turn. He just knows that he is there to clock in and so he is going to do it!!! There has recently been a big push by the upper management for our sackers and clerks to interact with the customers and they are supposed to keep a sheet where they mark each time they talk to a customer. This adorable young man stands at the end of the counter, sacking groceries, and as the customer leaves he ALWAYS says...in the same little sing song voice...."Thank you ma'am...have a safe trip home"...then he obediantly turns and makes a mark on his sheet...lol. He even says the same phrase to me...when he KNOWS I am not going home...I am going back to the Pharmacy to work!!!
I didn't mean to make this reply into a novel...I have been rightly accused of being too long winded at times...lol. I just wanted to show you that this is just something that you need to deal with. You, of course, need to protect your children...but you also need to use this as a teaching time for them...to teach them that not everyone is alike...that some of us have special needs and special challanges...but that we can all learn to live together and appreciate each other.
Good luck...be gentle with the parents...and firm but loving with the young boy.

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What JessicaWessica said. I totally get the protective mommy thing, but it might help you to get more details about his condition, behaviors, etc. so you can feel better and understand how to encourage him to connect/re-direct him, etc. when he's interrupting (like with the feeding).

From my own experience, I remember my mother being worried about the "wierd kid" (this was about 30 years ago) in our neighborhood and didn't want us playing with him - I got the impression she was worried about inappropriate sexual behavior because he played like a kid but was much older than we were. HE was perfectly fine, fun, and not dangerous or sexual at all. It was the "normal" neighbor that took advantage of me.

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I think JessicaWessica said it best.

I know with your adult perspective, this bothers you. But I highly doubt the boy has any "sexual" motives.

How did your daughter react to the taps?

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I know it is hard,but you must be patient with him.If he's autistic he doesn't understand the meaning of personal space.Maybe you could say something to Dad privately,like: I understand that ______ doesn't mean anything when he spanks ______ but could you please try to redirect him just because I don't want my Daughter to think that it's ok coming from a different boy or man.
As far as playing with the baby an autistic child doesn't understand personal space or that playing with him during a feeding is not the appropriate time.You might say,that's great that you like to tickle ______ but could you wait til he's finished eating.And if that doesn't work and it bothers you that much then go inside to feed him.Tell the kids that the baby needs to eat and then you guys can come back out.

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was just talking with someone a few streets over that said a neighbor that was "slightly" something autistic/asbergers at 14 yo... told her( the woman I was speaking to's) 5 yo to pull her panties down so he could look at her for 5 seconds.
so maybe this 10 yo hitting your daughter on the bottom was just initiating play, and that is great , but what will he be initiating when he is 16?? I don't know, I have heard of lots of young kids with this disorder but not any that are teens, there is alot i wonder about as these kids grow up.

I think supervised play is definately still in order, and I think the lovely ladies here have giving you a good script for approaching the dad.

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You got some great responses here. I have a 4 yr old DD whose ADHD and takes multiple redirections when she's reacting (ADHD due to food allergies). It can become exhausting as a parent to have to CONSTANTLY be saying something 6-10 times on nearly everything. But, alas we have to. I doubt that the boy has anything sexual in his mind and it could be that he loves to watch basketball and football where the men are always slapping each other on the butt (why, beats me?). So that could be where he is learning his social cues, but they are inappropriate.

Try talking to the dad that you need him to step up that you feel uncomfortable with having to do the parenting/directing when he's right there.

As for the wife never coming out, those times that he is outside may be her only break for the day and she needs that time to mentally reboot or get things done around the house that she has not been able to do all day. It's hard when you have a child that needs so much more than a more normal child.

I have also worked in an autistic classroom several times and you have to be very direct and obvious as the kids (5-8 yr olds - lower functioning) did not pick up what you said if you included the "pleases" and other wordiness that we usually put in to be polite. Be direct and say: "Stop playing with the baby until he's done eating." Leave it that direct and say it until he leaves.

Hopefully all of this helps.

H.

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Hi - I want to add my idea as I have read a number of responses which are fantastic, however having a child on the spectrum I want to give you a 'social story' (we do that for our kids to teach them socially appropriate things) - how you may have the discussion with the father:

"Paul, I appreciate the friendships that the families have and want to be open with you. I realize Matt is autistic and as I am not as familiar with it as you are I do not know how to properly tap into Matts head. There are some things I didn't like the other day and while I realize he's likely not intending to mean/inappropriate I didn't like it. These are the things I didn't like_____ _____ _____ could you please talk to him about it?"

I agreed with what someone said about the mother not coming out - that's likely 'her time' - and she likely doesn't get a lot of it (or maybe that's not the case at all!)
If this father is anything like me - if you put this conversation in the context of you appreciate their friendship and you understand there's challenges, etc. etc. he's going to appreciate you too and help out..........If however he doesn't step in and the behavior you do not like does not stop do not be afraid to say, "Well, there are things he does I do not like and you're not stepping in as we discussed." Then that family just, unfortunately, felt a hard lesson............

1 mom found this helpful

Looks to me like you have your own answer. Perhaps Dad is relieved that you are assisting by telling the boy "No" yourself. It is hard, but I think you can talk to Dad and let him know you are frustrated and is it alright to do this if he won't. Your words, whatever...they will get the message across. He might be kind of weary with raising a son somewhat alone it sounds like and probably is grateful to you for your input. In our children's lives we had to teach that some people do not like things and they have to respect that. Autistic or not.

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That's a tough situation. You need to talk frankly to the parent and find out what they do to discipline so you can do the same. You should also let the child know that if he doesn't listen he can't play with your children and be FIRM about it, give no leeway. Trust your gut and put your kids first. If your neighbor's want to keep your friendship they'll work with you. Good Luck.

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You've definitely gotten some good responses that run the gamut. In the few I read, I didn't see one thing that also needs to be known (maybe it's there, but I didn't get that far). My best friend's son in autistic and I see/hear what she goes through on a daily basis with him, so here it is: She has to tell him to stop doing whatever it is and why probably 5, 6, 7 times before he'll go along with the redirection and stop trying to do the misdeed.

One example: "Mama, can I have the balloon?" Mama's response: "No, B, you may not. It doesn't belong to you and we are playing with cars right now."
Followed immediately by: "Mama, can I have the balloon?" Again, Mama's response: "No, B, you may not. It doesn't belong to you and we are playing with cars right now."

I'm not joking. That conversation can happen 5 or 6 times in a row before he'll understand. And even then, 20 minutes later, he might go back for the balloon and the whole ordeal starts over again. He is 10 years old, by the way and on the higher-functioning side of the spectrum.

He is not stupid and he is not mentally retarded. His brain just doesn't make the same kind of connections, particularly in social situations, as us "normal" people.

This isn't meant to excuse any sort of behavior, just to help explain that if you want a behavior to stop, you may have to say "No, we don't do (insert wrongdoing here)" a number of times before he'll be able to make the connection. And his father should definitely be informed so that he can reinforce the lesson as well.

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Talk to the father is the best advice I can give. If you can't come to an agreement between your and the dad, then I would nix the play time. I know how frustrating it can be to have a special needs child not getting it, but that is the thing, sometimes they can't, especially if his own dad was not seeing the issues. He wasn't being bad and you may not be able to hands down get him to stop, but if you have agreement from his dad that he will step in when things get too amped up, you could be OK. In talking to the dad, I would just be honest. Just say that you are not personally used to dealing with a child with special needs and sometimes his son pushes things too far and you need him to step in as this is unfamiliar territory to you. Autism, Downs, CP, etc can vary so much from child to child and it is the parents responsibility to help that child develop to the absolute best of his ability. The dad may be unaware of how much this is distressing you as he is probably somewhat used to the behavior. It is easy to be upset or even a bit frightened by what we don't understand, and of course a child with special needs, as they grow older and stronger it can be an issue safety wise, they need a lot of loving guidance. So again, talk to the dad. Let him know that you really like he and the kids but you need him to take control when his son is around your children bc you literally don't know how to handle the child, you need the leadership of someone who does. If he is not responsive or gets defensive, I say back away from play time with their kids. Just be busy or go in the backyard or whatever, nobody needs an enemy for a neighbor. To me the way he is acting sounds like he has trouble with impulse control, like a much younger child. It is probably something that he can't help and will need to redirected as many times as it takes by his parents. I would say if he does something like this again, simply tell his dad, hey, _____ needs some help keeping his hands to himself, could you help me out? I grew up with a special needs sister and was around special needs kids all my life, they are the sweetest people on the planet but sometimes need to be handled really gently as they can be very sensitive emotionally. Their families can be tender too, it is hard to deal with and you just want to feel 'normal' whatever that is. So that is why I say tread carefully as and outsider who needs help from somebody who knows what to do. Good luck!!

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you need to talk to the father. In some ways the boy is acting very normally for a 10 year old boy, HOWEVER, he seems to have trouble with impulse control. A neuro typical 10 year old would know it is unacceptable to do it. Tell the father you value the friendship but the son is getting to big to play with your daughter that way and it needs to be monitored and you are obviously not the one to do it. If the 10 year old can't play without touching the baby or your daughter,the kids won't be able to play together.

Touching is unacceptable in school and unacceptable in the neighborhood, period.

I hope the father understands because your other alternative is to not allow the kids to play and I am sure with this boys challenges he needs the friends. (my 10 yo daughter is on the spectrum so I know what I'm talkin about)

My little brother is autistic. He sometimes does and says things that would seem very inappropriate to us. I would speak to the boy's father. He can redirect him, or if need be, remove him from the situation. I agree that he shouldn't get a "pass" just because he is autistic. I would not feel comfortable with a boy (autistic or not) behaving like that with my children. As long as you approach this in a reasonable manner I do not see why the boy's father would be unresponsive. If worse comes to worse and he won't redirect or stop his son's behavior, you can always remove your children from that situation. Simple as that. That is what I would do.