Attn: All Grandparents!!

The only thing you can do is try to raise you granchildren in such a way that they understand that the behavior of their parents is inappropriate without making them loose all respect for them.

Hopefully they didn't inherit the personality traits that created the bad behavior of their father and mother.

Please get him to the dr to get him on some depresssion medication if he is not already then have it changed. Good luck
J.

I agree with Mary. He may be depressed over the situation, but on the other hand, his behavior makes me wonder if he was like this while they were together. Could that be the reason she walked out? My brother in law went through this and the best thing we could do for him was NOT to support him - to let him get back on his OWN 2 feet. I hope I'm not offending, but sometimes you have to let someone hit rock bottom for them to decide to get back on their feet. If you want to help, help with the girls, but give him a time frame to get it together.

Dear R.,

I agree with many of the other posters; I think that your son is depressed. However bad his problems are though, he needs to know that while you love him and his daughters, he needs to start acting like an adult. This is not how a 31 year old father of two behaves, period. We went through something similar with my brother-in-law a few years ago. He was 30 at the time, but single and no children. He had a nervous breakdown and came to live with my family. At first (meaning about the first 3 days) it was good and we were helping him. Then it began to deteriorate to the point where there was resentment on our part and no signs of ever moving on from his side. So, I started talking to people and found Linden Oaks at Edward Hosp in Naperville. I went to talk first to a counselor there -- she told me very plainly that we WERE NOT HELPING him by taking care of him -- we were enabling him to stay the way he was. We got him into a program to treat his depression. 18 months later he is a new person -- happy, fully employed, living elsewhere! I know your situation is more complicated because there are your grandchildren. I agree that you need to make sure they are taken care of properly. I think a professional mental health worker can help with some ideas though for how to balance that responsibility with needing to make your son grow up. Also, remember, you are his parents. If you can't tell it to him straight, who will? Life is hard, and it isn't fair. I am sorry that his marriage didn't work and I wish you the very best.

Hi Mom/Grandma. I really don't have any advice - but I do that as Mothers, we all raise our children the best that we can. For those posters who are mean (typically Liz) the advice you give, in your tone is HORRIBLE. R. asked for advice on what to do, not on a lecture....SHAME ON YOU.... Maybe you need help, because obviously your mother didn't raise you very good for you to talk like that.
Anyway, getting to the point. I am not sure if he is depressed or not - not enough information - you know your son more then anyone - maybe you can go out and just have a really good nice heart to heart talk with him, and tell him how you are feeling away from the home. Tell him you are there for him, but that somethings do need to change. Maybe you can put a list together of what he needs to do every day/week so he knows his expectations without you having to tell him - it will be written down?!! Not sure, but the best of luck to you and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! All the best.

I watched my Mom go thru something similar with my brother. There is only one solution to this and you won't like it. Put your foot down, stop doing anything for him or his girls. It is not your place. He only does what you let him get away with. What would he do if you weren't there? Quite possibly...he would do it all himself, maybe not to your liking, but he would do it. He wont make it financially on his own because...he doesnt have to, you are there. Stop. Stop everything. He is an adult. You raised him and gave him the knowledge and skills he needs to be a sucessful grown up... right? You know you did. Now stop doing anything for him and the girls and let HIM take care of HIS family. He made choices and you are enabling him to take the easy way...stop, it is making it worse.
If he fails, let the daughters move in with you, but let him go and wether he succeeds or fails...he learns.
This may not be what you wanted to hear, but you asked for a reason. If you are now defending him in your mind, that is one more reason that you need to stop. People only do to us what we let them...

I wish you luck and hope I have not offended you.

R.,

I am sorry for some of the awful responses you got, jeezz Liz!!! Nice how some are so quick to be SO judgmental!! R., I agree with the the idea of depression. I have been there many times and it brings out a person in you that you never knew existed. The person that comes out when you can barley deal with life can be very ugly, but is only temporary with help.

Although your son's behavior is not acceptable he must be feeling so awful inside. Lost his marriage, lives with his parents and has two girls that he has to be a mom and dad to. That is alot for one person! My heart goes out to all of you.

I agree with pursuing the treatment for depression. Medication is helpful but to get to the root of the problem he probably needs to talk with a professional and might find great comfort in getting all his feelings sorted out and learning how to get back into life and take care of himself and his girls.

You DID NOT raise a bum!! (what a awful thing to say!!!) Your son is having a hard time and needs support but that does not mean enabling him. You will need to be strong through this too. Sit him down draw some lines and tell him that these things are not acceptable if he is going to be living in your home. The first step to helping yourself is VERY hard but once the step is taken each step gets easier. He probably feels very alone right now and very hopeless. Love and comfort from his mother might be the thing that pulls him out and walks him towards helping himself. Holding his hand does not mean doing it all for him.

Good Luck R., and Merry Christmas!!

It sounds like he is suffering from depression. Perhaps suggest to him that he seek counseling, or at least talk to his medical doctor about medication. It sounds like he was dealt a tough hand, and he doesn't know how to deal with it.
Good luck, and happy holidays.

Sorry to say but you are making it a little too easy for him to lapse back into "kid living at home mode" when he should be "Dad living on his own and raising his kids" mode. You need to get tough and talk to him. Make a reasonable plan for when he will move out and be a grownup dad. You might think and believe in your heart that you are helping but in the long run you are helping ruin this young man. L.

PS : Widowed mom of 7---believe me I had to be tough many times....but they are all wonderful, independent adults now!

Why not threaten him to do his share (which means extra because there are 3 of them) or you'll file for custody of the girls and throw his feel sorry for himself, lazy butt out!!! He's an overgrown adult not taking responsibility. Your place becoming a pig pen is not acceptable. If you make him move, he'll have to get a job. You can't carry him forever but you can help those children. I've been where you're at. It's not fun but you must be strong or your son will never wake up.

I totally agree with the first post. You are enabling him to continue his disprespect for you and your home. Set rules that he must abide by...picking up after himself, getting a full time job, taking care of his girls, and acting appropriately to the rest of the family. If he cannot do these things, the consequence is that he will have to move out. Stop doing anything for him and his children. He is an adult and needs to act like one. He must make choices and live by the consequences and if he chooses not to follow your household rules, then the consequence is he is to move out. Do not budge on this once you speak to him or he will know that you don't mean what you say and he will go back to his old behaviors. Your son and his children ARE NOT your responsibility. Of course you want to help him, but he needs to help himself first. What is going on in your house is also teaching his daughters how they can act to others. Think of it as "good for your granddaughters". You want them to grow up as responsible adults, don't you? Then don't demonstrate to them that their own father doesn't have to be a responsible adult. They may follow in his footsteps and start treating you with disrespect and assume that someone else will take care of everything for them so they don't have to be productive responsible adults. This will be the hardest thing for you to do, but it is the only way. Talk with your husband and the rest of the family so they are your alliances and know not to let your son get away with anything. He needs to be accountable for his actions and chooses. Good luck to you and your family.

You don't mention when she walked out but is it possible that your son is depressed? There are a lot of the symptoms mentioned in your request. I would try to have him checked though I am sure that will be difficult. You may also want to talk to him about the way things he dones-or doesn't do now-are effecting the girls. If their mom ever decided to come back into the picture, a judge may decide that his living with you and not contributing is not helping and give her custody instead. It is just something to mention. Good Luck.

My sympathy. My latest encouragement about situations like this is, I hope you are a christian, that at the final judgment injustices like this will be taken care of. It is kind of an abstract idea and not thought about very much these days, but God has given us this promise so that we can bear with situations like this. You had a large family and I know you were a responsible mother. Please don't blame yourself in any way as he is long an adult and has made lots of his own choices. Of course he is depressed, step in his shoes a minute, as a man he is unable to provide for his children and his wife walked out on him. He doesn't work and that also lowers his self-esteem. Family men take their responsibilities to their children very seriously, he doesn't dare go there in his mind. There is tough love, which I don't think will work with him. There is couseling and medication which would be the greatest help if you could get him to go. Ask if he wants to live like this the rest of his life. Tell him help is his for the humble asking, and not to resort to alcohol or drugs (which by the way if he has not shows that he has some good sense and self esteem and ethics)because they only make things worse. Tell him hoping for a wonderful lady to come along will also not work as well, might not happen and she could break his heart again. As for his daughters, please take them to church and raise them with the comfort and character of being a christian. If he objects, ignore him and go ahead, he will only put up a little fight and then give in. And that leads to his surest and your surest help, and that is his conversion to christianity. If his daughters come home happy and filled with the Lord, he will respond. Remember, he is your son and you are a fine person who instilled some values in him and his heart is hungry for God. Pray and let God lead you. If you have not accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior, or if you have been away from church for many years, get thee there ASAP.

Oh dear, some of the responses seem a bit harsh. Your son has gone through a rough time, but his kids need him and it's time for him to step up to bat. If he can't do it alone, he should seek the help of a therapist to help him sort it out, and possibly get on something to help him through what appears to be depression. If he has always been like this, then he's going to really need to want to change if it's going to get any better. If he's not really willing to seek help or pull his weight, it would probably be in the best interest of your grandchildren to see if you can get custody of the kids, at least temporarily so that he can try to get his life back on track. I would also suggest very clear expectations, even if you have to go so far as to write them out and create a bit of a contract with your son. For example, he is expected to take out the trash, seek fulltime employment, even if it's not his ideal job, pay you a certain amount each month (even if it's something minimal, you can set it aside for when he's ready to be responsible with it, or use it to help with the added costs he's putting on you.) The bottom line though is that your son is an adult, and has been for a while. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't get it together, he's going to lose those children, whether it's to you or DCFS. I wish you the very best of luck with this. Your first priority is your grandkids though, and if it means giving your son an ultimatum, so be it.

hi grandma...

son sounds like he's depressed and making everyone around him miserable. he knows that you're putting up with this because of the girls but you have to talk with him and let him know that you are all supporting him 100% but he has 1 year to get it together because he has to move. you and dad will help him with the girls on weekends. he needs to find another job so that he can save and find him a house or a 2 bedroom apartment. he should file papers for child support since the mother walked out and he has custody - by the way, has he always acted like this or is his behavior out of character? remember you're the grandparents not the parent.

Honestly, i would petition to get temporary custody of the grandchildren.

Your son sounds selfish and immature. He is not being responsible, and to be bold, you are allowing him to behave this way.

Tell him this behavior is unacceptable. He needs to get a full time job to be able to get back on his feet and support his children. Personal hygenie, and cleanliness are very important things for kids, and if your son doesnt have it, how can you expect these kids to learn??

Set a positive example for the daughters still living at home with you as well as your two grandkids, by putting your foot down and giving your son a dose of reality.

Okay grandma and mom! I am 45 and I would say it is time to put the hammer down on this couch potato, disrespectful son. I am sure he is good, but it is time for rules. He is in your house, lay down the law, expectations,etc. He is not too old and right now you are totally enabling him. Time for him to step up, take care of the girls, himnself and life. He will be nothing to his girls if you don't get tough. It will be hard and there will be kick-back, but the girls are learning unhealthy things from him, especially how to take advantage! Step up mom, take charge and get control!

Dear R.,

How long has your son been living with you? That could help out with those of us reading your message...I have a friend that is in the same situation as you but the time frame may help with what I would like to share...

Heather

My heart goes out to you and your grandaughters. My situation is similar except it's my "husband" *(and this is on paper only!) He left me and the kids for 3+ years, living with a woman, never giving any money to support the kids. Then suddenly shows up saying he wants to be a "family" again. Like a fool, took him in, but he still doesn't donate any substantial $. He will sometimes buy a meal and bring it home acting like it's supposed to smooth things over. While I pay the rent, phone (his cell phone bills still calling 'her'), electric, food, etc. I worked 2 jobs for 8 years while he supported his habits of smoking and drinking (of course he blames me for this problem). I even gave him a car that I'm paying insurance on and he's mad because it's a crappy little car! Sometimes I think that I should just toss him out on his ear and let him fend for himself. There's no love between us anymore and the kids can't really stand him. He thinks' he's "father of the year" material and blames me for "turning the kids against him". So, I feel your pain. Try to keep the grandchildren sheltered as much as you can, and if necessary, give him the ultimatum, get a real job, be a real father, or we'll get custody and you can move out! God Bless, merry christmas and hope next year brings you better results!

When I first read this all I could think of was your grand daughters and what they must be thinking and feeling. First their mother abandons them and then their father basically tunes them out thus abandoning them. It just breaks my heart. I agree with most everyone else - help him get help for his depression. In the meantime, go above and beyond to show support and love to the him and the girls. Let's face it... they need you. You are all they have right now. Also teach the girls by example what is right and wrong (especially cleanliness). Make them clean up after themselves so they learn this is the right thing to do. I hope you are a strong woman and can handle this task. If you need help reach out to other moms (via Mamasource) who could help with play dates for the girls to get them active and involved. I know I would be willing to help even if it is a trip to the bowling alley or an art class. We are all here for you. Merry Christmas.

A question--Is this normal for him?? Is he normally a slob or clean??

If this is not his norm, he may be suffering from depression. I wouldn't be surprised with his situation--wife left him with two children, limited finances, moving in with parents, only having a part-time job, etc.

You may suggest he see a counselor to get past it a little. He may be feeling like a failure. It hard to ask for help sometimes.

R., Jumping in here a little later, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and will pray for a happy solution to all of this.S.

Personally- I do not know why you can not tell him you have this long to move out. You are just enabaling him. I told my 20 year old daughter if she doesnt start helping, stop the lieing and stop the bill collectors its time to move out. Dec 3rd I caughter her in a lie and was going to tell her it was time to leave but she choose not to ever come back and talk- needless to say I havent seen or heard from her since. Its very hard. It helps that she doesnt have children but if she did I would welcome them to stay with me until she got herself together. I can tell you it is so hard. But I have God in my life to help me get through and I know in time she will grow and come around. If you keep enabaling it will not get better- there is no reason for it to. I know a 45 year old man still living with mom and partying it up and working odd jobs. Its just sad. He needs to be more productive to be good role models for his daughters. Good Luck and Merry Christmas!

It really sounds like your son is suffering from depression. What you described sounds exactly like my husband who also has depression. It is so hard to realize that this is a real disease because the person who has it does not really have the appearance of someone with an illness. The person just seems like a moody, lazy slob. There are some great medications out there that would help lift some of this depression. Hopefully yu can get your son to seek help. Good luck

Hi R., I am a young grandmother at the age of 49, my son is 29 and his daughters come over and stay a lot. He was the same way, expecting me to raise his daughters, clean up after them and hisself. So, I decided to lay down the law in my home. Treat this house as if it were only you and the girls. You are not a little boy, take some responsibility and be a man.If your girls see you like this they will grow up and be the same way and i didn't raise you to be like this so get your s_ _ _ together and grow up! Or get out. You have to make him understand it's not going to be easy for him as a parent but it is his responsibility to raise them, not yours but you are there to help. Cause he will expect you to start making decisions cause you are there. Stay on him until he get it or you will be stressed out. Well, Good luck, God Bless to you and pray that all is well.

S.

Hi R.,

Your son sounds really depressed to me. A divorce, especially one where he was left, is excruciatingly painful, even though it's common. And even if he's not fully aware of all the emotion around it, it seems to me like he's hiding from life in an attempt to numb himself from the pain. I recommend finding him either a counselor familiar with divorce or a divorce support group to attend.

Also I think he needs to be babied a bit. Not look over his behavior - it's horrible! But re-teach him how to be a contributing member of the family and a healthy grown up. Lovingly give him a list of jobs each day and help him clean his own area. If you go in there and do it with him, and teach the girls to do it too, he might not be so overwhelmed. When I get depressed not only do I not see messes but I can't quite wrap my head around getting out of a mess.

He's really hurting. Tend to his broken heart and he'll be more productive.

Good luck,
E.

Hi R., reading your question, reminded me of me, when I came to live with my mom when I divorced and had two children the same ages as your own grandchildren...it was so hard at first...I worked part time and helped with $$$ and of course did my share of cleaning, but in my heart I knew that this was not what either of us wanted...I wanted a place of my own...after about 2 years of living with my mom, I met the man of my dreams and got married...moved across the street from my mom then with the help of my mom, bought a home close to her and took care of my mom in her time of need...it's been 30 years now that I came to my mom for help and she gave it her all...I will never forget her and the love she gave me during my struggles...I can understand what you are going through, and I pray that you will find peace in the faces of your sweet grandaughters...they will give you joy in years to come...remember nothing is forever...your son will eventually find someone who truly cares for him and the girls and life as you know it will change...May God bless you and yours. Jo