Attachment Parenting with Two.

Hi R., thanks for your kind advice to my issue, here is my comment which I hope you will find helpful also: Trust your heart.

I have a basically different view--kids need to be confident that they are loved, whatever the approach. For our (now adult) children it was boundaries, a blend of shared and personal spaces, ability to adapt, and lots of affection. However, I've been around awhile and the one important constant is that parents who do their research to gather the facts, then trust their preferences and instincts (mixed with prayer!), are successful. We implemented many principles of AP, but strongly believe the marriage relationship must be first for the emotional stability and health of the family long term, so I'm not a fan of planning to sleep separately in order to accomodate the kids. However, if your communication with hubby is really good so that you support his needs well and are sensitive to whether or not he is in agreement on any given day on any given process, then you will be observant and your intuition will give you the cues you need to navigate the upcoming changes. Our niece and her husband practice more AP techniques when the kids are going through adjustments, then back off of that when the kids are doing fine. This ebb and flow meets the needs of the whole family well.

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You figure it out as you go! :-) My boys are farther apart in age but my older son was still co-sleeping when his brother came along, he weaned when I was 6 months pregnant (to my surprise, I was sure i'd be tandem nursing).
It was a bit rough for a bit, but that was largely because my husband was having trouble adjusting as well so I felt like I had 3 boys! But, looking back, I think I also gave my older son (2y9m when baby came) too many choices. It sounds like you guys have a plan, although if it's different than your current set up he might want to go back to familiar. After some trial and error trying to sleep with him in what would eventually be his own room, he needed to be in the bed we always slept in. Even with me or dh with him, the room change freaked him out.
The other interesting thing was how different my 2nd son was from his older brother and from my expectations. He didn't really care if he slept by me or not, so he was put down moses basket for naps fairly regularly-and I got to spend time with older son. Baby also needed loud white noise to sleep best, didn't really like to sleep on me after a few months and would NOT co-sleep after 6 months. I am a big fan of co-sleeping, but younger son needed his space and by a year he was in his own room and slept way better than he did room sharing--I tried to "make" him sleep by me, lol, but he was just restless.
During the transition, my older (mama's boy!) son became more reliant on dad, wanted to spend more time with grandparents and had started very part time preschool. I didn't force these things, but I made sure he had those options and other support. it was also weird how he seemed like such a bigger kid once baby came, i swore *I* wouldn't look at him differently, but I did.
Finally...AP is about doing what the family needs. If your decisions come from that, then you will be fine. It won't always be easy, but as long as everyone's feelings are taken into account you will all look back and be satisfied. Your son might surprise you with his reaction to being a big brother, and who knows what baby will be like!

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First of all, one of the big parenting mistakes most parents make is caring when other parents don't approve. Just parent with love and your best judgment and ignore the many parents that insist on giving your their criticism.

As for the co-sleeping, when baby gets a bit older, I have a recommendation to get you back into your own bed. When we were co-sleeping with my daughter, we bought a Safety 1st Secure Lock Bed Rail and put my daughter on the edge of the bed and me in the middle. Your baby will not be safe there, but your older one will. Then baby can sleep between you and hubby.

As for going it alone while hubby is at work, it takes patience, flexibility, cooperation, and coffee. It's not easy, but your instincts will help you. Your baby will be able to be put down while you tend to your older one, you can do most care while wearing baby. If your older one sees that sometimes you put down the baby and tell him/her that it is big brother's turn, then he will be much more likely to wait his turn when you ask him to wait. It doesn't work perfect, but they can both learn quickly to be patient with you and share you.

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Hi
You have an exciting time coming up. I just had my second child two months ago. We practice co-sleeping on and off depending on what is going on in the family. Our first born daughter really needed reassurance the first month, so she slept in our bed part of the time. But, she learned quickly that she wasn't getting good sleep so she wanted to sleep in her own room. The first month was hard for us and my husband and I felt like we had very little time together. It is starting to get better. One thing that is working for us is my husband has a pillow and blanket in our daughter's room and stays in with her until she falls asleep and occasionally has to go down in the middle of the night to reassure her and lay next to her again. What I like about our set up is that at least my husband and I get some time together now after our daughter falls asleep. We have the baby in a bassinet next to us for some of the night, so we get some cuddle time in. I think you will just find out what works, so I wouldn't put to much stress on it yet and everyone will just adjust and change over the next few months to accomodate the little one. Hope this helps!!

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Congrats!

Mine was a little older- 30 mos, but dealt with same sleep issues- honestly that was hardest part of having the 2nd- getting the first to sleep! (we are also AP and had snuggled or nursed her to sleep every night and every nap)

It took a while to figure things out, but here's basically what I did (and husband works nights, so I am solo most of the time)

When baby was little, she just nursed to sleep in my arms while I read books to the older one. Then i could lay baby down on bed and snuggle older to sleep.

As baby got older and needed more of a routine, she lay in my arms or in bouncy seat while we read books. Then in bed I would lie on my back and put baby on top of me, sort of across me, and she would nurse on one side, while the older one lay next to me and propped herself up to nurse on the other side. Baby would nurse off to sleep on top of me, and older one would finish ( I would count to 10, then she would just snuggle next to me and fall asleep) then I could put baby down on bed.

Now that baby is a crazy toddler, I have to rock her to sleep. SO i start in double nursing position on my back in bed, then if toddler gets to wild i rock her in chair. Thankfully now older one is willing to snuggle alone in bed while I rock toddler next to the bed. When toddler is not sleepy at same time, that gets trickier, but usually my older one falls asleep pretty quickly so I can take toddler back downstairs if need be.

Naps were really hard- getting the older one down was near impossible if baby was awake. I pushed her to give up naps earlier than she would have otherwise 'cause I was getting so frustrated with naptime. The tradeoff is an earlier bedtime which can be great. Getting baby down was hard to when older one wanted to play. There were many days of older one crying next to the rocking chair and actually trying to stop the chair from rocking! Finally she figured out that if she would just be quiet and let baby fall asleep then she would get "special time" with mommy. Giving her a snack to eat next to the rocking chair helped too.

That was later though, because for the first 4 mos baby slept in Moby wrap, so mostly slept at the park, etc.

Anyway, hope that helps a bit. It is hard, but so worth it of course. at first you might wonder why in the world you thought you wanted another! ;) but soon you will figure out some routines that work and things will get easier. Every week things get a little easier. Good luck!!!!

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We have a son (21 months old) and a daughter (6 months old). This is how we handled the naps and bedtime when my husband was working and our daughter was a newborn.
SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS: We all slept in the same room. It is a tiny room and was basically one big bed. Our mattress and box spring was on the floor. Son had a toddler bed that was sandwiched between the wall and our bed, so he couldn't accidentally roll off. On the other side of our bed we had a cosleeper that was attached as a side car. We would all start off in the room and if the newborn started crying, in order to not wake up my toddler we would move to the another room that was all set up waiting for us. If it worked out we tried moving back into the room before the toddler would wake up so he wouldn't even notice that we were gone for most of the night. Now, we still all sleep in the same room but have kind of moved apart and it looks like each bed is an island. Our mattress/box spring is back on its frame and against one wall. Our son's toddler bed is parallel to our bed against the other wall (there is about 11 inches of space for walking between both beds). Our daughter's crib is against the wall at the foot of our and our son's bed (open space of about 3 feet between beds and crib). She starts off the night in the crib and then we move her into the bed if she wakes up during the night. If she is really crying then we'll get up and move to the other room so she doesn't wake up our toddler.
PUTTING TO BED/NAP:
We stay with our son until he falls asleep. He has a regular nap time and bedtime. For naps, I feed her while my toddler falls asleep. For bedtime, I read them both books and then feed her while he falls asleep usually holding his hand, then I lay her down. When she was a newborn and was sleeping before naptime came, I would just hold her while I was helping my son go to sleep.

Hope this helps...

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Hi, I may not be of much help because I am in the same boat as you - expecting my second in about 4 months, and have a 2 year old at home. But just tonight, as I lay in bed with her until she fell asleep holding onto my hair, I realised that I cherish these moments so much that when the second one arrives, I/we will figure out a way to be APs to both!

I suspect it will be easier with a second child bc the two sibs will be able to sleep together (same room) sooner than we imagine. Our plan is to have all of us co-sleep initially, but if the second one is loud, then it will be a situation where I sleep with the second and my husband sleeps with our first-born.

BTW our daughter is an incredibly confident and secure little girl - and even strangers comment on this. So, I am very content with the fact that we went with our natural instincts and indulge in what I call "immersive parenting" haha!

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My kids are slightly further apart than yours, but we're an AP family with a nursing toddler and infant. My toddler co-slept until she was ready to be in her own room. We started when she was 18 months and were fully transitioned at about 21 months. Just backstory! :)

When my youngest was born at home in August, our expectation was that we would all sleep as a family that night. When we got there, it wasn't right for any of us. My toddler needed the peace of her own room. My husband and newborn needed the safety of my toddler not being able to roll onto the newborn. I needed the room to manuver my sore body around.

Our situation won't work for your family since your eldest is co-sleeping, but I did want to give you the info. As others suggested, your best bet might be to get some sort of co-sleeper/side car that will allow your newborn a safe space near you, but also allow your toddler and husband to stay with you. Particularly if your toddler is nursing during the night, that will allow him access to you as needed while still nursing your newborn.

If you're planning to tandem nurse, please e-mail me! I am nursing my two and would be more than happy to give you a couple tricks/tips that have helped me greatly!

Oh yeah, if you're not already connected to an AP group in the area, I know of at least 3. There's the API group (http://www.apiseattle.org/), groups on yahoo (http://groups.yahoo.com/search?query=eastside+attachment+..., and a group on meetup.com (http://www.meetup.com/eastsideap/).

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We started at about 6 months of my pregnancy getting the twins to sleep in their own room. My daughter took to it very well. My son not so much. Our new born sleeps with us since i breastfeed. we start the twins out in their own bed at night and they will join us if they choose to during the middle of the night. At nap time i try to get the baby to sleep before I put the twins down ofr a nap. If I can't then i stand in the twins bedroom and talk to them until they fall asleep. sometimes i am holding the baby and others he is playing on the floor.

It really isn't that difficult to do AP (attachment parenting, you will find what works for you as you go along.

S.

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I have practiced attachment parenting with all 3 of my kids. I have an 8 yr old girl, a 5 yr old son, and a 8 month old daughter. We have always been co-sleepers. After my second child was born, we still all slept together in the same bed, with one child on either side of me. I think that once your new baby arrives, it will come naturally to you. You don't have to change the way you parent your son. Just add another family member to the routine. I am sure the new baby would be happy to cuddle with you both during nap times and bed times.

I only have one child, so can't offer BTDT advice for you.

2nd hand though, I know many many many families that cosleep with multiple children in one bed. You're actually the first I know of that's going the separate rooms route, but hey, what works works. Usually, the infant is in a cosleeper -hard mattress platform thingy or crib with the wall down/off next to the bed. For most, the older child wakes with the baby for the first week and then sleeps through. <laughing> We'd planned on cosleeping, but DS would have nothing of it. The moment we put him in his own room (around 2 weeks old) he slept straight through. He wanted his space until he was 3, wasn't what we'd planned on, but it was what worked. And then he started piling into our bed about 1/2 the time. Still piles in about half the time at 7.

I also watched other friend's babies when my son was about your's age. Sometimes for several days at a time (different, obviously from being mum on duty 24/7) DS was WONDERFUL (all kids are different disclaimer, insert here). Montessori was a natural choice for us, because from the time he was able to crawl he was "helping" me around the house. Sorting clothes, laundry, cooking, cleaning. We didn't follow "attachment" parenting, just did what felt right. Which by and large falls into the "attachment parenting" philosophy about 90% of the time.

But back on target with parenting two or more kids at the same time, I just loved on all of them, and had all of them love on each other. Instead of "no mommy has to do x"... it was "FANTASTIC! You do x,y,z... while I do blah blah blah. Great job...like THIS, gentle, PERFECT."

I found it was soooo much easier to be watching more than one child at a time (except for one boy, who I had to quit watching, his parents think kindness is "weakness" and "robot like", and modeled that).

Were there days when everyone was crying, and me, too? Yup. But most of the time the more kids were in the house, the more love... and silliness... and good times. WISH I could have 5 of my own. But even one is still pretty durn amazing.

My two boys are 23 months apart. When the baby came home, my husband started sleeping in my toddler's room. A year later, he's still in there while the baby and I share the king-sized bed. You know what? It totally works for us. Why wake up BOTH adults for the needs of EACH child, when you can divide and conquer? And as for romance: we plan conjungal visits during weekend nap times.

You've gotten lots of advice, so I'll only add one more tidbit: whenever you need to lay down with the baby, make sure your older boy is in a very, very safe room that is hella childproofed--it will give you piece of mind to know that he can't slip out the door or pull the TV down on himself, so go the extra mile with ramped up proofing. That way you can nurse and get the baby down without stressing about what he's into. Of course, that baby will sleep through anything for the first 2 months...so this is only relevant after it starts waking up more. Good luck!

Dear R.,

I have an only child and can't offer advice on handling this transition.

What I can offer is this: You are not here to please or succumb to the pressure of what others think and you sound like you are having to defend yourself to people about this choice to co-sleep.

When you are quiet and not listening to others peoples attempts to control, are you at peace? If yes, then drop the defense and use your energy to enjoy your life. If you look at the world, there are so many children who struggle and those parents are often the ones who are most forceful with their advice.

Yes we all have to learn to handle life as individuals, and wouldn't it be nice to feel the loving support of our parents until then.

Too many folks teach through the negative, like the silliness of times outs, which usually just build resentment in the child. No one learns anything through the negative except behavior modifications. Which is monkey training.

I hope you enjoy your new baby and continue to treat you children with gentleness and consideration.

Peace and trust your heart.
N.