Attachment Parenting vs Ferber's Method

Yes! Amen to the grandma here too! After three kids I must say you do what you need to with each child, and believe me, all of mine had different needs and personalities. My favorite chair in the house is a rocker and my kids all love to climb up in it and rock with me. My little one even rocks herself. I'd like to get a new rocker (mine is ratty and stained and starting to fall apart) but one of my requirements is that it be big enough to fit my kids in with my big behind! So when I find one I'll let you know.

I tried variations of different methods with all my kids and you just adjust it to suit the kids (I'm not one for rigidly following advice anyway). No one has the right answer for every child. One thing that worked with all of my kids was cosleeping, even if it was for just the first six months or so. Makes BFing soooo much easier! But around the six month mark they all stop sleeping well with me (playtime) so I had to move them to their own bed. This took some getting used to on their part, but they didn't die. I found Ferber prolonged their going to sleep (having me keep walking in just got them started up again instead of calming them) so I just let them cry it out for a couple of nights. Yes, they survived, and even learned how to fall asleep by themselves. Lots of cuddling during the day and breastfeeding more than makes up for it. I also wore them when they were very small, which they again outgrew when the decided to become more independent. Just as Harriett said though, you have to follow your instinct and do what works for your baby.

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How about some input from a grandma? My children are 24 and 27 and I have 2 grandchildren. The best advice I can give you is to love your baby and trust your own instincts. It's fine to do some reading, but remember that the authors are giving their opinion based on their own personal experiences. There is no such thing as the perfect parent or the perfect parenting "method." You are raising a child, not a puppy....and there will be nights where you won't get any sleep and will wonder what you were thinking when you had a baby. There will be other days/nights when it will all come together and you'll feel like you could write a book on parenting. In the long run the good days will far outweigh the bad.

What do I regret? I regret not taking more time to just sit and rock with my babies....awake or asleep. They grow out of the cuddly stage very quickly and all too soon they will wiggle and squirm and want to get down. The next thing you know they will be going off to school. So what if you spoil them a little by rocking them to sleep at night or holding them while they nap? You won't be doing it when they head off to college and I guarantee you'll look back and cherish the time you had when they were small.

Both of my granddaughters still love to rock....one is 6 and the other is 3. I sent a rocking chair to their house so they could rock with mommy and daddy. We still often start and end the day rocking when I have them. I guess some day I'll have to get a bigger rocking chair so they can rock me!

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I'm not a fan of Ferber's method at all. Attachment parenting I read a little about. Yeah know it's all opinion to me. I'm trying to be a better parent then my parents which I was a baby of the early 60's. I can to this day look bad and disagree with how my parents handled me and yes I do remember as far back as 3 yrs old and I have a witness to events I can recall my sister was 8 yrs older then me so when I was 3 she was 11 and her memory was even better then mine.
Listen I have my first child at age 35 I read books one after the other. They are just someone's opinion I think you should raise you child on your own feelings and when situation like teething come up see what's worked for other mom's one thing that works for one person may not work for another. I would raise a child by a book...listen they didn't really tell you all the truth in the books about giving birth, trust me they didn't. If they listed every complication every, everything no one would have a baby. They give you some tools to work with in birthing, in parenting. I'm not sure what you are looking for but I don't think you should let a baby cry it out at night according to Farber since they have a stomach the size of a quarter and they are living on liquids the reasons they cry is to either have a diaper change, a bottle or they are uncomfortable trust me their are reason's. I found Dunstan's Baby Language to be great check out their website. I also am a fan of teaching baby's sign language. As far as carrying a child around well there's a time and place I did many times carry my child in a sling while doing other things I don't know about co sleeping and all that but my kids even now from time to time come into my room to me this it's the 1940's so why act like it. Again, just and opinion like those books.

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From a mother of 3 wonderful children and one more on the way, after an eight year break (what a shock for my husband and I) methods don't work. Motherhood does not come from a book or others, you have to do more from the seat of your pants. My two older childer are ADHD and the oldest is also Bi-polar, so I have learned everyday from suggestions of others and what works best for the childern. But the one thing I can suggest, take clues from your childern, they will teach you a lot if you just learn to listen and watch what is best for them. Each child knows what is best for them, but what happens a lot is the parent doesn't get the clue. Just be willing to change and learn from your childern and others.

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I think you start off thinking you will adopt one method or the other and then you come up with your own method. I am a mother of three and with my first child ( a premie) I definately followed the attachment way. Six months later I was exhausted, feeding my child around the clock and getting very little sleep. I am not a strict routine person by any means but babies do better with a schedule. Someone referred me to the book Babywise. I read it and followed some of their principles especially the feed, wake, sleep pattern. I found that to fit very well into my lifestyle. I did not follow the book to a tee, but it was the best and most useful advice I found. I know you will find your own way to care for your child, but I hope this advice helps. Good luck.

Hi L.,

I have an article on my website concerning attachment parenting as well as a link to other articles. If you are interested, the link is http://www.balterbaby.com/a-articles/attachment-parenting...

K.
www.balterbaby.com
www.baltercatalogue.com

I would definitely avoid the Ferber method until at least 6 months. From what my pediatrician and the Drs. Sears say the first 6 months are very critical for babies as far as developing trust that their needs will be met by their parent(s). I myself waited until about 7.5 months before I let him cry it out when he woke up at night and that was only after I would go in and make sure he was alright (not wet through his clothes, the rooms wasn't too hot or cold, etc). I believe delaying it until then helped him sleep better when crying it out. I was told by moms with older kids (teens and 20s) "don't worry the first few nights they will cry for a few hours but it will eventually stop". To me that would mean they weren't ready to cry it out. In the end, it comes down to what works for you and your family, what you are comfortable with. They don't call it Mother's Instinct for nothing...

There is nothing like a restful night after having a little one. My husband and I chose to use the PDF (parent directed feeding) philosophy. Our little one was sleeping on her own thru most of the night at 2 mo. I breastfed and she was on a 3hour schedule(time may vary). We followed a routine every day regarding her feed,wake,sleep cycle. Her feeding started out to be 20 min- 30 min long (shortened over time), depending how long she was awake during feeding we would play for another 15-30 min and she would sleep for 1 hour - 1 1/2 hour nap then we would start all over. At night, allow your baby to sleep until he wakes, but no longer than six hours at night. For the first couple months, she slept in a bassinet in our room for convenience. When she was sleeping through the night, she transfered to her bed. We would just lay her down while she was awake before a nap or bedtime. We seldomly rocked her or held her until she was asleep. We did on occasion because you just want to cherish that time but we did not allow it to become a habit. I made sure to try to begin her routine every morning at the same time. After a few weeks, you will begin to know your baby and what time they seem to wake up in the mornings. Be patient, establishing this routine and sleeping habit doesn't happen over night. As far as your methods, the Ferber's sounds the closes to what we have used. If our little one is crying we allow her 15 min to calm herself then go to her room. We stuck with the routine most of the time, but we also had some flexibility with our schedule and sleep habits. After a time you will begin to know if your baby is gaining the ability to calm himself. I hope the rest of pregnancy goes well and a safe delivery.

I have two children 4 and 8. and i used the book the seceret of the baby wisperer. and loved it, it combines the two into what i felt was an attachment parenting, with bounderies, which i feel is very important. she also believes in breastfeeding which is helpful and had a very good method for starting whole foods.

we wouldn't do it any other way than AP! It just makes since, makes life easier (I don't have to get up in the middle of the night when my children need me). My older son is very independent, confident, has lots of friends and is very gentle. I strongly believe it has to do with attachment parenting. My newborn is so calm and rarely cries, I know it has to do with her being close to me a lot and me being confident as a mother because it just feels right. i always say an attached baby is a blessed one!

I am a Dr. Ferber devotee! I was up all night with my little first born (now 12 and I have three others now) all night with him constantly having to be nursed back to sleep. He would just open my gown and help himself. The schedule is what is all important about that method. Really. Not the just letting them cry as some think. It is the ability on the part of the baby to predict what comes next that is important. And Dr. Ferber stresses schedule. Not just a routine, but a real almost rigid schedule. After a time you can ease up--but strict schedule is SO helpful. I thought, "I am a stay at home mom, let the baby dictate the schedule"--but they can't. And some idea of schedule ends the crying and lets you sleep. I am lucky, my fourth, now nine months has slept through the night since we brought him home from the hospital! But you will find what works best for you. My sister finds that working makes her a terrific mom when she is home.....for me, just a good nights sleep makes me a better mom to all of them all day long.

Hi L.-
check out www.momsoncall.com. I used the method with my 7m old daughter and she has been sleeping through the night since she was 2m old, I still breastfeed exclusively too. I am a nurse and infant care consultant with them, and their methods really do work. Esp if you start early, a baby can sleep through the night and it doesn't require letting them cry it out for hours. SWADDLING the correct way is key for a newborn as well as the right noise machine. I promise, a baby who sleeps well at night is a more content and happy baby during the day! She sleeps 12 h now, just gradually stretched it out every month a little at a time. Every family that I meet with and do a personal infant care consultation with is absolutely amazed at how well it works! Check out the testimonials. I wish I could tell everyone and really get the word out, so all parents and babies could benefit!! Good luck with whatever you decide, and congratulations!!

Grandmother has it right! Trust your instincts - YOU are the only one who spends every moment with your child and you know them best. No one "method" is going to work for every parent and child - read some books and take what works for you and your child from each. Every child is different, and each responds to different things in a different way.
I have 3, and each has their own different personality and respond to different discipline's, etc. It's a challenge, but being in tune with their needs and their personalities is a huge help in figuring out what they need. :)

Hey L. - Needless to say, you will receive more advice on parenting than you will ever need from the moment people know you are pregnant until your children are grown and gone. It can be overwhelming when you look at the countless rows of books available on the subject. There's a lot out there.

Bottom line, this child will be a welcome member of the family that you and your husband have already established. The world should not revolve around the baby/child. This is a sure fire recipe for marital woe and a child who will believe that everyone should be at his beck and call. That may work for a while with a newborn, but translate that to a 3 year old and it's a whole new ball game.

I believe that you are seeking advice b/c you want to be the best mother possible to this sweet child you have been blessed with. That being said, I would suggest a book called "On Becoming Baby Wise" by Ezzo. Another great book on parenting is James Dobson's "On Parenting". Raising children who are others focused, secure in who they are, desire to do what's right, etc. is HARD work!! I have 5 children ages 9-3 and each day is full of its challenges. The advice in these books has been invaluable to me in dealing with everything from determining why my 3 week old won't stop crying, how to help my child get a good nights sleep by sleeping through the night, how best to teach my toddler to obey my voice (like stopping immediately when I say "stop" so I can keep her safe), how to handle lying from my 6 year old, etc.

I wish you nothing but the very best as you embark on this greatest adventure called "parenting"!! I'm sure you will make a wise choice on how to parent! Congratulations!! Warmly - J.

I am a fan of both and think you can use both at the same time. I used Ferber's method to help my daughter sleep, but was a big fan of babywearing. I read a lot of books and took what I wanted from each method and created some of my own. You'll know what to do and what is right for the unique needs of your baby.

I've never really heard what attachment parenting is so I looked it up. And quiet honestly, is sounds like common sense to me!! I don't agree with some of the stuff like babywearing. And co sleeping only happened in my house up till they started sleeping though the night and then they went to their own bed.

So just like advice we all get as parents from anywhere from our in-laws to complete strangers, take what you want and toss the rest. Find what works best for you and your family, not what some book or nut job "DR" says you should do with your baby.

After reading some of the responses, L., go with what feels right for you and your baby. Everyone will tell you you are doing something wrong and everyone will tell you you are doing something right-the bottom line is a happy baby is a happy family!! And opinions are just that, opinions and everyone will have one!!

Congrats and good luck!!
~S.

I lean more towards AP. Great site for that is: http://www.askdrsears.com/default.asp I breastfeed, babywear, co-sleep, etc. More because it instinctively feels that that's the way it's supposed to be rather than I "choose* to be that way. It's what works for our family.

I wore my daughter all over for the first six months, I don't so much anymore because she is now over 20 lbs. For me it was convenient, I had my hands free while grocery shopping, etc. and she mostly slept. She couldn't stand the bucket seat, nor could I lug it AND her (she was 9lbs, 10oz at birth).

Personally, it would totally go against my instincts to let my baby just "cry it out". Babies have one means of communication and I don't believe that they use that to manipulate. By the end of the first year, you'll know which cries are for real needs and which ones are because he's just mad.

Also, go ahead and check out Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution, this book is a fabulous resource and helped me better understand Sleep in general. http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/

Some good advice I got: Lower your expectations. LOL. And honestly that was the best thing anyone said to me while pregnant.

L.,
I think Abbie gave some great advice. We have 3 kids, the first two being twins. I was so desperate for sleep when they were six months old b/c I was feeding on demand, and they were both waking up every hour and a half! Turns out they were using me as a pacifier! I read two different books on either extreme, (Ferber & the No Cry Sleep Solution). We took ideas from both, but the Ferber method worked well for us. Every child is an individual though. You have to be flexible as a parent to see what works for your child. I do not recommend doing any kind of Ferber method until your baby is at least 6 months old, and neither does Dr. Ferber. Infants have to have their needs met round the clock. Once out of the infancy stage, then sleep training, self-soothing, or whatever you want to call it can be started. I was a push over with my 3rd child b/c she is such an easy baby--rarely fussing or crying during the day. She needed me more at night so I was willing to get up with her until she was over a year old. Now at 13 months, we are finally in a routine where she sleeps through the night. I stopped doing night time feedings when my twins were 6 months old, and with my daughter, I didin't stop until she was closer to a year. You have to see what works with each individual.
Oh, I highly recommend baby-wearing with the sling as well. Great for bonding and great for baby and Mom all around.
Good luck & best wishes with your little one!
L.

Hi L.,
I have had 6 babies, and I have to agree with Abbie. The only absolute recommendation I would have is to breastfeed. The benefits of this are so numerous. Other than that, do your best not to succumb to any extreme, be it permissiveness or authoritarian. Calm, assertive leadership even in the early days, weeks, and months will serve both you and your baby well. And the best parenting advice I ever received was this: "If it does not work long term or in greater numbers, then don't do it." I disagree with some of the other moms here, though. I would not throw out those books. You can get all sorts of great ideas to incorporate into your family. Just don't fall victim to the idea that any one of them will be the only real authority. And if you'd like a great book to add to all this, Dr. Denmark Said It is a great one. I don't follow this religiously, but it helped us so much with number 6. Dr. Denmark was a pediatrician here in GA for 80 years. She finally gave up her practice when she was 105 years old. She still lives in Athens (at 109) and still does phone consultations for a couple of hours every day. I'd say she has more experience than any other person and there is definitely wisdom that only comes with old age. But her book is not the Bible. Trust yourself, take everyone's advice graciously even if you disagree, and do what your searching leads you to believe works best. Oh, and don't forget to enjoy the ride!

My advice is to relax a little about these theories of parenting. Personally, I think that both are too extreme. You are going to need to work out what works for you, your partner and your baby. No one else will know what feels right to all of you. I used a great book to help me with my 2nd baby and it helped a lot and made the most sense. It's called "The Happiest Baby on the Block." Also, "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." They worked for me. Mine are 6 and almost 4 years old now - great sleepers, happy, independent and sweet.

Good luck and try not to stress out too much. It'll work out and be okay. Enjoy your little one.

My husband noticed that most of the baby-rearing and child-rearing advice we received could be categorized as "This will make your life easier and more convenient as a parent of a new baby" or "This is what's better for your child." And once we got that, it made it easier to decide whether it was worth doing. We all can use a little convenience, but it helps to keep in mind who will benefit from the advice, and who (may be) compromised.

Most of the ideas espoused by the attachment parenting crowd (like Dr. Sears) are of the "what's best for your baby" variety, although they may happen to also be more convenient. The emphasis on breastfeeding, sling-wearing, and sleeping near your baby (or co-sleeping) are all so good for infants. The infant brain develops it's dendrites as a response to touch, (that's not opinion, that is well-known neurological fact) and babies get a lot more touching when they are frequently in slings or carriers. And when they are carried, they can see so much more, and they can observe much more conversation between adults.

Sometimes it's a hassle to have them in a carrier (I had an incident where I was trying to cook with my baby on my back, like those happy moms on the baby sling website, but instead I was chopping onions, crying, and my baby started getting upset and started pulling my hair and shrieking. Maybe the onions hurt his eyes, too.) But overall, I think I prefer having them close, and we've gotten a LOT of use from our Ergo back carrier (for older babies and children up to 35 pounds.)

My boys got carried all the time, and when they got older, they'd squirm to get down because they wanted to walk. They never did become "stroller kids" - I see them sometimes out shopping with their moms. It *does* make it a lot easier to shop, and I DO envy these moms when I'm trying to shop, But the stroller kids are also being contently pushed around the zoo or festival all day by their bedraggled parents, (and here I'm talking about the BIG kids, who've just gotten used to being pushed around all day.) The KIDS are the ones with boundless energy! THEY ought to be pushing the PARENTS around! Not that every four-year-old in a stroller is licking an ice cream cone and 10 pounds overweight, but I DO like to see kids running around and getting exercise, even if it's harder to keep track of them.

(Oh, and I can't STAND that Ferber guy. Horrible! The only Attachment Parenting book I didn't like was Katie Alison Granju's, only because she sounded so... self-righteous about it).

Good luck!

Are you a diabetic due to your pregnancy?

I agree with some of the others to not stress too much, put down the books, and follow your instincts. I lean a lot more towards AP, but it is because that's what comes natural to me with my mothering instinct. We co-sleep because that is how we all sleep the best. I respond to my baby's cries because I believe that God has programmed us as mothers to do that. I believe it goes against all common sense to put a baby in a crib and let them cry for 20 mintues while you stand near by and listen. But this is just how I personally feel as a mother. Try to listen to your instincts, and fall into a natural pattern of mothering :)

read the secrets of the baby whisperer. while the author doesn't necessarily denounce either of the two methods you mentioned, which in my opionion seem a little "extreme," she incorporates more mild forms of the things the two methods suggest. basically her motto is "start as you mean to go on..." for example, she suggests that when your baby is crying to not "let him cry it out" (very ferber-like) but to pick him up/comfort him, until his need is met. i'm 7 months as well, so i haven't tried it yet, but it makes sense... you can also look at the website www.babywhisperer.com

I agree with what Jodi said. I have used those books as well the baby wise stuff. my first daughter was sleeping thru the night at 2 months in her own bassinet (which was in our room for convinience) she switched to her crib and her own room with no problem. As an almst 3 year old she obeys very well, attachment parenting seems like the most loving thing by always being right there but babies need to self sooth sometimes and learn to entertain themselves as they grow, it's good for them and you to have a break, my daughter doesn't feel neglected of course if she is hurt or sick you tend to their immediate needs your not gonna let a teething baby cry forever, you help as much as you can but at least with the method I use you can pretty much guarantee that at certain times she will be sleepy and take that nap which is sometimes the best remedy. As far as making your child like a machine thats not true! Babies find comfort in routine trust me you will to when you know you arent gonna have to fight your kid to bed at night or when you know you have a few hours rest coming at a certain time. I now have a newborn and am using these methods again, the 1st few weeks are hard for everyone but I know it's worth it as she is starting to develope a feeding routine and sleeping a bit longer. Good luck with whatever you choose you will be a great mom!

I have four children (age range 5 to 8 months). The best advice I can give on parenting at night is this...do what works for you and your child. Read the books and take their ideas as just that...ideas. Use what works for you and trash the rest. Attachment parenting goes on the extreme permissive side and ferber (or even babywise) goes on the extreme authoritarian side. We strive for our parenting to be in the middle which is more authoritative.

I'm guessing though that you are mainly asking about parenting at night. We've used all sorts of methods with each of our children. My oldest was rocked to sleep, in the sling, bounced, and some co-sleeping. My second did not like that, nor need it, and was put to sleep by patting his bottom. He was also sleeping through the night (which is five hours in babies) from birth. Our third had to cry a little to go to sleep (but only about 10 minutes). He also co-slept with us for four months because of health reasons. My fourth is a great sleeper and from about four and half months on just wanted to be put down and he'd go to sleep. With all of them, if they wake in the night, we go in to them...they're waking up for a reason. If we see it becoming a pattern and habit, then we work on breaking it by either letting them cry some or soothing them gently to get them back to sleep.

I feed on demand but all of my children fell into an easy to read eating pattern/schedule without me forcing them on it. If you will be nursing, I recommend demand feeding for the first few months to help them get all the nutrition they need and to help keep your milk supply up. You can't spoil them until they are around 6 months old.

I also use a sling with mine. I highly recommend some kind of carrier so you can get work done during those first few months when their bodies just aren't ready to regulate sleep patterns.

We never use strict schedules with our children because we are never doing the same thing every day. Because we follow a basic routine and schedule when we're home though, they are more grounded...keeping a routine but not strict schedule has also allowed my kids to become very flexible and able to pick up at a moment's notice and go (okay...a little bit longer when you have to change diapers, etc).

A great, awesome book to read is Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth. He is a doctor and has some great scientific information on how newborns sleep, etc. For instance, their little bodies don't fall into a natural sleep rhythm until they are four months old. He talks about different methods to get your child to sleep and doesn't say you HAVE to do it this way or ELSE. He mentions that they should be napping at certain times and we watched our fourth (we didn't find the book until our third was a several months old) fall into that natural sleep pattern.

Anyway, I hope this helps!! I just have seen couples who read a book and that's it...it's the gospel truth and must be followed exactly (and people who don't believe them are wrong and bad parents)...books are just books and don't take into account everyone's personalities or situations. One of the beauties of being created differently!

A.
wife to Mark (2007)
mom to Zoe (5), Ace (3), Liam (2), Josiah (8 mths)

Throw your books away and do not even consider any methods used by Ferber! You need love, Cheerios, travel size Lysol, and extra Onesies when you are out and about... and faith in your own abilities. Just because some ...... wrote a book and has a huge following does not mean he or she knows anything worth a penny. Always trust your instincts. Some of these "methods" aren't fit to raise Sea Monkeys! Schedules are for machines, not babies who may be teething, growing, sick, or who knows what else.
Take care.

I wanted to point out that it isn't the first 6 months that are critical to infant development it is the first 24 months.

Attachment happens after thousands upon thousands upon thousands of the attachment cycle. The baby has a need. The baby cries to express his need. The mother responds and addresses the need. The baby learns to trust that Mom will always be there to meet the needs. The child then attaches in time to the mom.

Attachment parenting has worked for me and my daughter. We cosleep, use Holding Time, and for the most part, I do NOT have to discipline my daughter at age 5. That is not to say the early years (2-3) were not difficult but NOW and for the past year, I have had so many people tell me how wonderful our relationship is and how well she listens. She doesn't talk back and she does what I ask (except for cleaning up her toys). I never have to raise my voice with her either. It just isn't necessary.

I swear by attachment parenting. Short term it may be difficult for the parents and better for the child. Long term it is better for both. Just my opinion.

I remember going through trying to get my daughter to go down at night. I thought Ferber was a bit too tough. Learned about another method created by a woman doctor -- I cannot think of her name! -- that is essentially a kinder, gentler version of Ferber's. My savior was the book Helping Your Child Sleep Through the Night by Joanne Cuthbertson & Susie Schevill. Also, doctor Sears: http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070200.asp

Good luck!