At Witts End with Daily Pooping in His Underwear & Not on the Potty!

Melinda,

Since you have figured out when he will normally poop, put him on the toilet first thing in the morning. Don't ask him if he needs to go-- just take him. Have him sit there until he poops--- praise him big time when he goes in the toilet. then take him every 45 min or so to the potty. Once you get into a routine and he has a victory for pooping in the toilet, he will be more interested in going-especially if you make a huge deal out of it.

good luck-- I am in the process of training and so far so good...

M.

Just before my son turned 3 I decided I no longer wanted to change diapers. My son knew when he had to go potty he just didn't mind having poop or pee in his pants. I explained to him that by going potty in his pants he was choosing not to go on the toilet where it was easier to clean. I told him if he chose to poop in his pants he was making a choice to clean it up himself, because I no longer wanted to. Above you said this method was traumatizing and torturous. In my opinion this method made my child very aware of what he was doing. In less than two weeks he was going on the toilet, because he realized this was the easier choice for him. The only drawback we had was that when he was playing outside and would wait to long to make it into the house, he would hide behind a tree or shrub, pull down his pants then poop outside. Although this behaviour was aggrivating it was much better than cleaning poop from underwear. BTW watching him and helping him clean himself often was more time consuming and trying for me than just doing it myself, but looking back it was worth it--those two weeks went by fast.

I am going to assume everything is fine whith him physically and you have talked with your doctor about this.

Could this be an act of defiance? Sometimes kids will use potting in their pants to gain extra attention especially if they feel out of control for any reason. Things such as a parent going back to work, a new school, someone new living in your house, moving, new friends, etc. can trigger these feelings. Also just the transition of no longer being (or refered to as) the baby but now the big boy can make a child feel like he doesn't fit in to his regular role in the family. Kids need to feel accepted and they need to know what their place is in the family. I used to tell my little one (now 4 1/2) that her job was to help mom, go in the potty like mom, to have fun, and to give lots of hug and kisses. I would also set aside some simple jobs for her to do everyday like putting the silverware away in the drawer. I would reaffirm what a good job she did and how happy I was this was her job. She has been doing the silverware for me since she was 3. She knows that is her job and her role in the family and that only big girls can do that. It helps to explain what everyone's role in the family is to the child. Example: Daddy's job is to help mom, mow the back yard, go in the potty, help his boss at work and to play games with you. Mom's job is to cook food, go in the potty, make our dirty clothes clean, and give lots of love and tickles.

Melinda,

Let me preface this with big hug and understanding of both of your frustrations...This is not an ideal answer but he is not ready. His somatic nervous system and emotional development are not in sync with your plans or our culture.

I went through this and promise you he will...go in the potty when he is ready and it may take more time.

If he is a sensitive kid, intuitive in any way, he is picking up your stress and it may cause him to do one of two things, avoid potty or withhold which can then lead to serious bowl problems and you will have to have him monitored with xrays. Any sensory issues will also add to this. Medical care is much more costly than pull ups...trust me, you are almost done with this...it is okay to regroup and try again.

I know this is yucky and it feels like the world has moved forward and he has not.
He will continue to have issues deeper than this though if he cannot self regulate at his own pace. Enjoy the outisde weather naked with a potty while you have it and trust in time.

I have no idea about your preschool situation (except that I now believe most put too much pressure to grow up to fast on everyone) and to find one that understands this. THE truly brilliant people in child development get this.

My daughter did this. So frustrating! What worked for me might work for you too. If your son is looking forward to starting school like my daughter was you can use that to your advantage. Call the school and speak to the director/principal. Explain the problem and ask for his/her assistance. Then take your son to the school to 'look at your new classroom!'. While you are there the director can happen to see you and welcome your son to his new school. While they talk about all the fun of preK, he/she can work in the fact that pull-ups are not allowed and everyone must use the potty. Only kids that use the potty everytime get to come to this fun school. This worked like a charm on my daughter. The thought she might not get to go to school made her so sad that she pooped in the potty that afternoon and never went back. :o) Who knows it might work for you too! Good luck!

You say you have tried everything, but I hear a lot of rewards, prizes, and positive reinforcements. How about trying a punishment. You have clearly taught him to recognize when he needs to go. Now make it clear that he must go in the potty. My husband put my four year old on the potty and made him stay there through tears and all for hours untill he pooped there. He was then and forever potty trained. It was hardest for me though. anyway, good luck. It will pass.

I had a difficult time getting my 4 year old boy to poop in the potty too. He liked to use his diaper (he didn't usually go poop in his pants) and would wait until we put one on him in the evening just before bed. We tried to think about what it was about pooping in his diaper that he preferred. Based on talking with him, we figured out something that worked for us: instead of sitting on the toilet, he likes to squat. He gets up on the toilet and literally stands on the toilet seat, then squats down to poop. Even now, when he is virtually accident free day and night, he still prefers to go this way. He says it is way easier and more comfortable. Maybe your son would try this as something new and interesting? Good luck and be patient...it will eventually work. Most likely when he does start preK he will figure it out.

Look for the cues before he goes and right before hand, sit him on the toilet and hold him down. Assure him he'll be ok and thay you are there with him. Don't let him get off the toilet (even if he is screaming) until he goes. I did that with my son (at 3.5) and it took 2 or 3 times and then he decided it wasn't bad. He needs to get over that fear and if nothing else has worked, then try that (because even rewards failed my son - mom, I don't want chocolate!). He will not be traumatized and you are the parent. Make him sit and he will go.

Hi Melinda,
My son, who will be 4 in a week, finally went poop on the potty back in May. He's has been consistently in underwear throughout the day since he was 3. We couldn't, no matter what we tried, to go poop on the potty. Lucky for us though he would tell us when he had to go and we'd do the song and dance of trying to get him to go on the potty -either the big potty or his little one. He always wanted a diaper.
In May my son and I took a trip to Tahoe with some friends. We were about to get in the shower when he told me he had to poop and wanted a diaper. I was naked and just stepping into the shower - I told him he'd either have to hold it or go on the potty. With a little hesitation he went on the potty. It was wonderful. I was excited, he was excited, our friends were too. He got ice cream at dinner that night. After that he always went on the potty but as soon as we got home he used his small training one and then the seat part attached to the big potty.
I'm babbling, sorry, to make a long story short - he went on the potty when he had absolutely no other choice.

Remove the diapers and pants completely. let him run around naked in the house. Put the potty chair in the living room. Necessity will bring about potty training.

You could have him checked for encompresis. You can make sure he get's more water and more apple juice, which will keep things moving well. Support his nervous system with vit b complex , Vit E.

I would say he is NOT ready for a school environment.

Greetings Melinda: Your son is still a little guy, and as a child is still learning a step at a time. This is not an area that can be rushed just because you have the need for him to be in PreK in a few weeks. He may have to wait extra time because he may have other things happen once school starts that cause problems. This doesn't mean that he isn't perfect in everyway just not ready according to the calender you have set.
My Granddaughter just came in and said to tell you about Mr. Fish--- TRUE STORY-- I go out and buy a beta fish and put it where the kids can see it while on the toilet and they sit and talk to Mr. Fish, while waiting to go. Keeps them distracted and then after several days or weeks depending; we see if Grandma keeps the fish for her house or do we send it home with them to remind them they have a friend to talk to while they wait to go. I see them often enough that I can do this and for some reason they like going potty on one of the several potty chairs I have here.
To give you hope and a laugh I will tell you aTRUE STORY-- I thought my #3 child was my last and I wasn't ready to fully potty train him,( by # 5, I had gotten over this), his older siblings had had enough and they locked him in the bathroom for a entire day-- it was horrrible for me-- and they refused to let him out til he could do it all in the toilet - they kept him inthe tub when he wasn't sitting on the toilet. They came out for food,snacks, and toys but he got to stay in there and believe me he is just fine and was trained from that day forward. The laughter this causes now is wonderful and as they talk about potty training I giggle as they help one anothers children.
He will do it and I can say that I don't believe in the giving of toy-movie rewards until the great day has come because what if they change their mind about the toy -- you have been had. We bought bubbles and each time it is a success they got to blow them as a private signal.
So good luck and try and relax. Nana G

It sounds like you've already tried all the right things/tricks...are you 100% sure it's not something physical? Is it possible that he genuinely does not feel the sensation of needing to poop? I understand your frustration...my youngest child has autism and wasn't fully trained until age 4, and I felt the same way you do about the smell :-) There is no way I would have let him wear underwear though, until he was consistently using the potty. Yuck, 4 year old poop is way different than baby poop! Have you thought about, for your own sanity, just having the undies disappear for a little while and doing pull-ups/diapers until he is able to stay clean most of the time? I'm not quite sure why he'd be out of diapers/pull-ups, when he is having that many accidents. If it makes you feel any better, he WILL eventually get it! But try to make it a little less stressful for you both in the meantime...I'm sure he doesn't like the accidents any more than you do.
Best wishes,
A.

call your pediatrician!

I had this problem with my 2nd child. I was aggravated too. We'd been down all the usual roads. One day, she crawled under the end table, I caught her and asked if she was pooping, with a grunt, she said "Nooooo", I said "Yes you are, you get in that bathroom and poop in that toilet or I'll paddle your fanny!" I was so frustrated, she ran to the potty, pooped there and was from that day poop-trained. We both did the happy dance and I praised her.

For her it was a control issue. I'm not saying I handled it perfectly, however, it was what my child needed to be disciplined in the right direction.

My 3rd had the opposite, she'd poop in the toilet, but not pee. That was another issue, but she finally got it too. Three down, the twins to go. You'll find your way and he'll get it too, I don't know if for him it is control or something else. You can ask and see if he will articulate why he likes pooping in his pants, he may surprise you.

Good luck and whatever you do, be consistent, my friend made her son clean up all his poop and though it was gross for a few days, he got it, he was 4. Then she sanitized her house :O)

Take care,
D.

We had the same problem with my son. We still have some issues, as a matter of fact, and he is 5 and a half! We put him back in diapers for about 6 months after he started pooping his pants every day at preschool (he had, until that point, been holding it at school). When I put him back in underwear, I told him we were done with diapers and he would have to clean up any messes he made. We also put him back in preschool 3 times a week, and he got a reward every day he made it through school without an accident. His teachers would praise him and he was proud of himself. BUT he was still doing it at home most of the time. What has seemed to be a turning point for us is now we make him sit on the toilet after every meal and snack. He usually has to go after lunch. If you pay attention to his poops, you might be able to guess when he has to go and catch him. As best as you can, you need to not make a big deal of his "accidents" (I always secretly called my son's "purposes"). Just say, matter of factly, "Oh darn! Poops go in the toilet, don't they? Let's clean it up." Or whatever you want to say... just calmly, which is the HARDEST thing when you are frustrated, I know.
When we first trained him, we gave him a little present (like a matchbox car or a little sticker sheet) every time he pooped on the potty. That worked for about two weeks. Then he sat on the potty and cried because he wanted a present but "the poop wouldn't come out." Being naked largely worked for us, too. But as soon as the pants were on, back to the old habits.
You are not alone in your troubles, and I feel your pain! Best wishes.

I know you said you tried the reward but I was in your position until last week. I had tried everything. I think it was a combination of three things that worked. First off he had been asking for a toy. I finally bought it for him and told him he gets to keep it everyday he goes poop in the toilet. Only one day he went in his pants and lost the toy until he went in the toilet the next day. Also , the same day I bought the toy we had a few guests over. He went in the potty and everyone in the house made a huge deal about how awesome it was. He was very proud. The last thing I think is simply timing. They potty train when they are ready. I honestly don't think there is much we can do if they are not ready.

Hi Melinda,
Wow, it sounds like you and your son have been thru it all! My son is only 1 1/2, so we haven't gotten to this stage yet. I'd say call up your pediatrician and ask for some advice. I'm sure they've seen it all. I have Kaiser insurance and they actually have a behaviorist on staff. She helped us w/ sleep issues, but I know she does a lot more. You might see if your insurance offers someone like this.
Best of luck!

I hate to say this. But maybe if he does this in front of friends he might get embarrassed and stop.
Just a thought
I wish you luck