At Wits End with Table Manners

Could you maybe make a deal with her like...3 days a week you use MY manners, 2 days a week you can be more "free."

I think it's super important that she LEARN the manners and learn when she HAS to use them, but think it's also okay that her manners not be perfect every night.

(For example growing up we had kitchen manners and dining room manners depending on where we're eating. The dining room manners were much nicer than the kitchen manners because they were saved for special occasions.)

I think at 9 she's old enough to say "You need to know manners and you need to prove that you can use them" but not force her to use them all the time, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, hopefully by asking her to prove to you that she knows what the manners are, she'll slowly start to develop them on her own.

Good luck!

I remember when you first posted this. It is a shame her dad does not think this is important.

Did you try the mirror suggestion? Have her eat in front of a mirror.

Also stop allowing her to serve her own plate. Instead you place a serving on there and when she has eaten all of it, she may ask for more.

Do get the video camera out and video tape a few meals.

Does she have friends that go to your home and eat with the 2 of you? She needs to see how other children behave at the table.

I would sit down and have 2 separate conversations-one with dad and one with your step-daughter.

First with dad-he needs to understand that his daughter is a young lady, she will be a teen and then grown before he knows it. It is so important for her to have these skills and habits now. Does he want her to be made fun of at school? When she is out with her friends? How about at a job lunch meeting down the road? How far will that get her? Try that angle. Having these basic skills is an exponential thing! Kids can be mean as we all know and if she's eating the way you say (and I believe you-I was a nanny and the kids I had ate that bad and worse when I started with them!) the kids will def. start poking fun at her at some point soon.

Second-with her-have the manners conversation again, explain that she's growing up and does she really want to eat that way in front of others? I do like the idea of taking her somewhere special to show off her skills once she uses them consistently. Talk with her about the importance of not making other people uncomfortable while they are eating too-that her behavior could actually make someone not be able to eat-seeing half chewed food, spraying food, etc totally grosses me out! Just reiterate that you know she's learning and how proud of her you are when she tries and how proud you are that she tries when you give her a reminder.

I have to agree with Kimberly. And I completely understand your distress. It's hard to watch people eat like that. Many years ago, I watched a young man opposite me in a restaurant chomping huge bites, chewing open-mouthed, and spraying often. It was too horrible to watch. It was too horrible NOT to watch. That memory is still vivid. I don't recall what I was eating that meal.

But your SD probably has issues (all kids have issues, but especially stepkids), and you're making yourself a convenient target. So I'd ignore the dinnertime issues. Give it a few weeks, and during that time, just calmly notice out loud some small thing you appreciate about your SD. At least two or three times a day, if possible.

You might get a lot of value from a brilliant book I'm reading for the third time: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I use the easy and sensible techniques often with my grandson.

Don't give up! Kids need to learn to eat properly. I can't imagine that her friends are poking fun at her at school. I can remember a kid in my class ate like that and people were always correcting him. It's gross to chew with your mouth open. It's gross to shovel large amounts of food in your mouth. People won't want to eat with her.
I would make her plate up for her. Cut everything into proper bite sized pieces. Tell her that she may have another bite after she chews up the one in her mouth. I think lunch is going to be where you are able to work on it the most. I'm guessing Dad is only home at dinner?
Maybe pick one issue and work on it for a week. So, the first week it's taking smaller bites. When she exhibits that manner at the dinner table, give her a small reward. The next week move on to the next manner, and so on and so forth. I would think that taking smaller bites would lead to her not shoveling food in her mouth, which would lead to chewing with her mouth shut. If she can't wait till her food is swallowed to talk, teach her to talk with her hand over her mouth so you won't see the food.
Develop a silent signal so that you can remind her when she's chewing with her mouth open with out saying anything out loud.

I have no real suggestions how to help you. My parents couldn't care less about table manners. And, when I entered middle school, new classmates, new friends... and eating at the school cafeteria it didn't take them a week to make me so ashamed that my table manners tuned in no time the best in class!
Good for you that you are trying to educate her and protect her from this shame!

I'd suggest tapping into the actresses that are in each of us. As in: turn it into a game.

Talk with her about the rules ahead of time, and get her on board. And YES, filming would be a fantastic addition to the game so that you can score them for "points" as well as for laughs! (Remember, keep the whole thing FUN). Purely in American Manners there are several different recognized styles... but you can branch out to really have a ball.

For ex)

1 night: Dining like a princess. ((Watch video of state dinners/ etc)) Certain things involved in this "theme" would be tiny bites, perfect posture, and *always* having a smile on your face or interested expression.

Another night: Eating like a trucker. Examples would be elbows on the table, hat on your head, one hand always on your coffee.

Another night: Eating like a restaurant worker (this means you have only 5 minutes to eat, and you have to talk *constantly* while you're eating).

Other examples of "Eating or Dining like _________"

- A diplomat
- A movie star
- A grandmother (with or without teeth)
- The person sitting to your left
- ANY character on TV

There are even "deportment & dining" classes offered through various hotels. For a "cheat" La Femme Nikita has a scene, as does Pretty Woman, as does My Fair Lady. Watching all 3 clips can be pretty interesting.

Point being: We often don't REALLY understand what our "normal" is, until we try to imitate someone ELSE'S normal. If she's at all into spies, you can have her pretend she has to maintain her cover in a certain enviornment. If not, go the actress route. Regardless... once you get her REALLY trying to eat or dine in a myriad # of different ways, it'll be pretty easy to chuck her old way.

I'd also suggest doing "theme" nights yourself. Loll all over the table and giggle at yourself. Sit prim and proper. Eat as fast as you can. Eat as sloooooowly as you can. Pretend to be old and not have any teeth. Rent a full dining set for one night and use all 9 or 16 or x pieces of silverware & glassware. Learn how to "talk" to your waiter by using your silverware & dishes & glasses (like how to hot chocolate by how you place your spoon ... arrgh... can't find a link online with all the cool tricks... but most dining etiquette books have the list).

Personally... having grown up with FAR too many state dinners... I absolutely *revel* in putting my elbows on the table. But merely knowing how to move seamlessly though many kinds of dining is a skill I'm SO glad that I learned.

Does she like to go out to eat? I would work out a reward system with her and get her on board. Sit down with her and make a list of good manners- in a positive way ex: we chew with our mouths closed not don't chew with your mouth open. Choose one thing to work on at a time. Once she masters one thing take her out to lunch because she has learned to use her manners , then choose another thing to work on and so on... Maybe once she has mastered all of the manners on the list, the two of you can go out for a fancy lunch or tea. Good luck, I think it really stinks that you aren't being supported by the rest of her family.

Whether or not she is intentionally attempting to sow discord between you and your husband, her behavior seems to be doing just that. She doesn't even have to articulate "You're just the stepmom, I don't have to listen to you!" Her parents are doing that for you. You need to have a conversation with each of them requesting their support. Without them on board, your efforts will continue to be futile until some outside influence (potential social embarrassment) inspires your stepdaughter to change. I'm certain it's not pleasant for you to witness, and I feel for you. Just beware the potential for real issues between you and your husband being born out of this disagreement over his daughter. Tread carefully and try not to sound judgemental.

I would be so disgusted with my kids if they ate like that. My mothers husband eats like that and it makes me sick every time we have to go over there to eat. My oldest tries to copy him every once in awhile by shoveling food in his mouth and the smacking. So gross. If I were you and dad isn't on board I would get up from the table every time she starts being disgusting and eat somewhere else. That might be enough of a bigger nuisance to him that correcting his daughter might not seem that bad. I would also do the camera thing because she needs to see what it looks like to someone else.

I think there are a lot of excellent tips and points here. I am a stickler about table manners as well. The sound of mouth-smacking-chewing is like nails on a chalk board and if all 6 of my kids did it - I'm pretty sure i would explode.

I always remind my children when ever I hear/see them chewing or talking inappropriately at the table. During the day I remind them verbally, but I try to refrain from doing it at dinner. At dinner, I usually just point to (if they're looking at me) or say the offending person's name and then point to my own mouth closed and chewing :) That way I can remind and reinforce without subjecting anyone (including myself) with too much unpleasantness.

Also - just a possibility, is it a bad habit or a self-soothing technique. One of my children has Sensory Integration Dysfunction, and the chomping, extra work of oversized bites, etc literally feels good to him. It makes him feel relaxed. He has perhaps been the hardest child to work with on this. Ask yourself if your child seems to be clumsy, bump into things a lot, jump or wiggle excessively, maybe put things on backwards without realizing it feels funny, or maybe consider if the child shies from certain kinds of touch or does't like pressure in certain areas (for example- my child had an aversion to socks - he doesn't like pressure on his ankles - but he likes to wear gloves because they put pressure on his hands. If so, that may give you a new way to approach the eating habits. If not, well - at least you considered it right? :) lol

I always tell my kids I want people to have the best possible impression of them and that good manners are a SUPER important part of that. Leaving a good impression can mean a better job, a better house, a better car, and better people to share all of those things with.

Teaching kids manners can be a real pain. Good luck!

I am not sure what happen to my daughter's manners, they have gotten bad lately. I have been nagging at her at lot this summer. She was watching one of her tv shows and the kids were complaining about how gross it was watching their friend eat. I said that is how you eat. It finally made sense to her what I had been talking about. Manners are a social issue. Manners aren't just something mom likes, they need to be used so she isn't embarrassed in front of her friends. Your daughter doesn't want to spray her friends with food at the lunch table, no one will want to sit with her. Let her know that is why you are working with her on her manners. She will be more likely to what to change her habits if she knows the social issues behind it. You can work on what fork to use later, they only have sporks at school.

As long as her Dad is voicing disagreement in front of her she'll continue to eat like this so that she's on her Dad's side. This is a way for her to align herself with Dad.

I suggest that you just let it drop for a month and see what happens. I agree that it's important to teach good table manners but since it's not working try not teaching. She will eventually discover that others do not like this.

My granddaughter is 10 and entering the 5th grade. I've eaten lunch with her a few times in the school cafeteria. She and her friends usually use good table manners. One time, one of the girls started talking with a full mouth and the other 2 girls stared at her causing her to hold her hand in front of her mouth. She did continue talking but we couldn't see her mouth. I noticed that all of the girls did that when they were too excited to wait until they swallowed.

I suggest that using good table manners has now become an emotional issue. Since her father doesn't think it's important she doesn't either. I'd let it go for now.

Even tho you correct her in a quiet and friendly voice it's still a negative interruption. My daughter corrected her children while we were eating and it did get on my nerves some. I was glad when they'd learned and we didn't have the interruptions.

LATER: I really like Riley's idea of acting or being a spy and using different styles of eating. Turns the whole thing into fun.

She is most likely doing BECAUSE you are the step-mom, and mom and dad don't care. Does she push her luck on other issues or is this the only issue? She may be doing it for attention from dad because she feels like the third wheel. Children in the mist of a divorced home sometimes feel unwanted or in the way after the parents have remarried. She may be just vying for attention, wanting to feel loved. Misbehavior unfortunately is how most kids do this. I think they would get more attention and feel more loved if instead of misbehaving they would take it upon themselves to do some special such as doing chores without being asked, volunteering to help with this or that, etc. Maybe if you did not make a issue of it and just ignore it maybe she would stop. I know that sounds silly. "Ignore it and it will go away" does not always work in every situation, but if she is only doing it to get at you or to get attention, she may stop if you act as if you don't notice. I know that is hard, because everything you wants to correct her, but give it a try for a few weeks and see if it works. No I don't think videoing it would be to extreme either. You might try that, but if is for attention, she isn't going to care and is probably going to get worse. I really don't know the best way to handle it. I hope you find the solution.