At 18 Months, Is Breast Feeding Reason to Withhold 24 Hour or Longer Visitation?

I find myself doing a slow burn reading some of the replies. "Interference parenting"? "Manipulative"? "Controlling"? Really people. I think some understanding is required. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that the hardest thing I have EVER had to do is acquiesce to the courts telling me that for 20% of my babies' life, she would be out of my sight, out of my control. Honestly, aren't we all that way with our precious babes? The only time I was away from my kids when they were that age was when they were with a friend I trusted who was watching them for short periods of time. Upon returning, I got the full report - did they sleep? eat? poop? play? Then suddenly, at the time of divorce, the greatest emotional upheaval of my life, I am ordered to just hand her over for a weekend, with no right to know what or how she's doing during that time. It's damn hard, I can tell you. Divorce is hard. And don't forget that it's hard on the little one too, and he cannot tell you how he's feeling. Maybe this mom just needs time to adjust.

This is not about not trusting you as a dad. You sound like a wonderful father, and I'm also not saying you don't deserve uninterrupted time with your son. But I am saying that setting up an amicable co-parenting relationship in these early days of the divorce is crucial. Even if it takes extra understanding on your part and you have to be the bigger person and put up with a little bit of unfair (believe me, I've never heard of a divorce without a LOT of unfair to go around). You will be glad you did for many years to come (like at least the next 18!) An amicable co-parenting relationship is not easy to do when your former partner suddenly becomes the "enemy". That is what happens, even if we try not to let it. The court system itself makes it almost impossible for it to be any other way and is set up to make us adversaries.

I recommend trying your hardest to set aside all of the hard feelings that come with divorce, and now with these recent visitation issues, and talk to your ex about how you feel. At least give her a chance to wean HERSELF (that's what it's about) and get used to trusting that he is fine when he is with you.

I truly wish you the best of luck.

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I am a breastfeeding mom, nursed my first until 15 months and am nursing my second now. You have every right to ask that you be able to have uninteruppted visits with your son. As long as he doesn't seemed stressed by the missing nursing sessions, I don't see what the issue is. And in terms of the milk, she should provide you with pumped milk with which to feed him. Historically, father's rights haven't been as rigorously upheld as mother's rights have been. However, assuming that you have done nothing to lose rights (and the fact that you have visitation like you do shows that you haven't), you could even consider returning to court to press that you be allowed uninterrupted visitation.

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I wanted to chime in and say that you're doing a great job! It's a wonderful thing to see such an involved and loving dad.

I don't think there is any reason that your ex needs to have breastfeeding visits during your visitation with him. I do understand the benefits of breastmilk, however he is 18 months old and eating normal food. He doesn't need it for nourishment at this point. There's no good reason mama can't pump and send bottles for you to give him. As for the people who are telling you that this is something only a mother can do - hogwash! When my babies were tiny, I'd pump and my husband would take one of the night time feedings and give them a bottle of breastmilk. He loved that time to bond with them, and I really do think that both of our girls are closer to him because of it. Kids need to know that their dad is just as capable of taking care of them as their mom - because it's true!

It's unfortunate that your ex feels the need to interfere with your time with your son, especially since you're a great dad to him. However, I'm glad you're able to remain calm about it and focus on your son - he is the one who is the most important here. I hope she's willing to pump and send bottles with him this weekend. =)

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Wow, didn't have time to read all your replies, but i am all for mom on this one. Breast feeding isn't just about food, It's a huge huge bonding thing, and sorry buddy but you just can't do it. At this point, Mom and nursing are still a big big part of his world. Would you rip him away from his favorite lovey or blankie or what ever? If you care about him as much as you say you wouldn't. And breast feeding isn't a quick five minute thing for some women. I'm not sure what you are implying by saying mom is obsconding with him.
I' don't know your issues with mom and why you couldn't work it out, but as long as he is in your life so is she. He's still a baby even at 18 mons, He needs his mother, Bond with him with out interfering with that bond.

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His mom may be worried that if he goes long stretches without nursing then he'll lose interest in nursing sooner than he otherwise would. That's a very real concern as it's the way many children ween. He'll do that at some point on his own anyway, but if it happened after a visit with dad, you may forever be blamed for it.

Nutritionally I'm sure he's fine (although of course breastfeeding is fabulous for that) but there are likely many other advantages his mom sees to continuing the practice.

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Coming from a separated family, I understand both sides, and good for you for wanting to spend more time with your son!! I'm glad you really enjoy him!

On the flip side, I'm a breastfeeding mama of 2 (the first for 2.5 years) who knows & understands all the benefits! I teach breastfeeding classes for Nursing Mothers Counsel, and I'm sorry that there are mamas out there who think they need to stop at 12 months and actually have told you that there is no value to breastfeeding beyond that age!! While it won't compromise him nutritionally, it may compromise the whole breastfeeding cycle. The relationship is based on supply & demand, and at 18 months, realistically, she probably wouldn't get much milk if she pumped. Your son will ALWAYS be more efficient than any pump!!! At this stage, nutrition is secondary to other benefits, such as the immunity he's still gaining from his mom. I hate to say it, but a weekend of not nursing could end breastfeeding. 48 hours is a long time. For as long as they choose to breastfeed, both mom & baby benefit from it!! Her milk will ALWAYS be nutritionally perfect for your son, and the benefits far outweigh the argument for weaning.

I'm sorry the trust has been broken, but as long as she chooses to breastfed, she deserves the right to. The court wouldn't see it this way, but every child & mom deserves the right to continue breastfeeding as long as the pair desire. Try to be patient; your son won't breastfeed forever. When the relationship ends, you can show him all those wondrous places and spend days together instead of just hours! I understand your frustration, but imagine your son's if his normal bedtime routine is upset. For such a short time longer, is it really worth it?

In your defense, she doesn't need a couple hours to nurse! My 3mo takes about 30 minutes at the longest, and at 18mo, you could limit her nursing session to an hour or less in your home or wherever you are at the time. That way, the relationship could continue without your own time with him being severely compromised. I hope everything works out for you!!!!

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I am so impressed that a you are a father and not just a man with a child. I really appreciate how fortunet your child is becasue as a mother of 5(one a foster child we adopted) and having been afoster parent I saw many children that only knew my husband as Father in thier lives.
I also breast fed not only my own but some of the foster babies. That said please understand that the child's mother can pump enough milk for the childs needs. If she works/goes out then she needs to do that so have her plan ahead with enough milk to supply her childs needs, as it is her choice to nurse this long. This will take away any excuses/justifications or games that might be apart of her choices. Good Luck, and I hope that it works out for you and your child again I am glad to see your post and participation as a Dad. Nana Glenda

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well dad, sounds like this lil guy is blessed to have you! ok, american academy of pediatrics endorses breast is best up to 12months, and after that the nutritional value is decreased and they are building their own immunity....so he is well past that point. at 18months and eating table food and drinking milk, juice, etc he is getting the nutrition he needs. whether or not she nurses at 18months is her perrogative and i respect some people want to nurse longer, but since its once a day she should certainly be able to pump (although i am sure he would not miss it...out of site, out of mind) and allow you to give it to him in a sippee cup. i certainly don't know it all, and don't know all of your situation, but sounds to me like she is using this to control the situation and manipulate what time you have with him. at 18months its so important that he have his dad....good luck and i will pray for you in this situation. p.s. when my husband surprised me with a weekend away and i was nursing my 4month old, i just pumped and never had a problem with nursing him after that....

1 mom found this helpful

what a great question, dad!
your kid should breastfeed AS LONG AS POSSIBLE, as long as mom and baby are still cool with it. the benefits are endless.
that being said, the mom can PUMP, and you can give the baby the breastmilk in a bottle! your visits should NOT be interrupted. has this been discussed as an option?
good luck, papa!

you sound like a wonderfulllllll Father, if you are worried about antibodies etc... have your ex pump and give you the milk... sounds like a power trip to me...

You sound like a terrific father. Breastfeeding is important, but breast milk is more important. So, the mother can pump milk and freeze it, and send it with you. Then during your time with your son, she can pump and freeze it for the next time. She is manipulating the process under the guise of doing what is best for her son. Put a stop to it right away, while continuing to provide breast milk for the boy. He probably is securely attached by now to both of you, and if she can't nurse him in front of you so you don't have to worry about her running off, cut her off during your time with your son. Otherwise you will end up in court. But, it sounds mostly like manipulation.

Hello,

How awesome are you. I love to see involved fathers. Especially single fathers. According to my doctor, nursing babies past 1 year of age doesn't provide them with any significant nutrition. At that point it is a bonding issue. His mother will be able to find other ways to bond with him. You will not be hurting him in any way by insisting that you have your time uninterrupted. If she truly believes that, she can pump, freeze the milk and send it to have on your long visit. God bless and keep doing what you're doing.

I agree that it totally depends on your child. At 18mts my child was breastfeeding regularly and would have really fussed and cried if he had to go without it at night. At 20mts he is weaned and easily sleeps until 6am without me but then insists on getting a mommy nuzzle around then or will have to cry himself back to sleep-- his dad is wonderful too but for some reason isn't enough comfort at night. Maybe do it once or twice and see how it goes? One or two nights of crying and panic will not permanently harm him and will let you know if he is ready.

I breastfed my son for an extended time(24 months)as well, and would say that until that time it could harm the child not to have the breast at least in the morning/night. You sound like an awesome dad and with your child's best interest in mind, so until your child is 2, I'd say don't interefere with the breastfeeding.

Most mothers breastfeed for an average of 3 months. Within my circle of friends we chose up to a year because that is when your child is able to drink cows milk. There is no reason that your ex still has to breastfeed. She my be choosing this due to her own beliefs or your current situation to give her a closeness to your son that you can not have. My son is 20 months and I could not imagin breastfeeding a little man that is all over the place and eats like the rest of us. I believe that your ex needs this for her and not for your child. It is time for longer visits without interuption. You may consider the idea of dropping in during her long streaches of time alone with your son for an hour of bonding just to keep the playing field even.

I think your request sounds very reasonable. I would even say 48 hours was reasonable.

By 18 months, the nutritional/anti-body effects of breastfeeding have waned and the benefits remaining are social/emotional (for both child and mother). Mom can pump to keep her supply steady.

All children should be so lucky to have two parents and the extended family of both parents in their life.

That said, easing up on the bond of breastfeeding can be pretty wrenching for mom and so keep at slow and reasoned approach.

It doesn't sound like she sympathetic to your attachment parenting. I am still nursing my 2 yr old and I do believe it has benefits to his health above and beyond just bonding. However, I don't feel like he is going to suffer nutritionally or emotionally if he doesn't nurse anymore. You are right, you have a lot to offer him too, even if you don't have breasts. I would never want to be away from my child for 36 hours, but that goes both ways, my husband doesn't like being away from him either. I seriously cannot imagine even a pro-breastfeeding judge allowing this excuse legally. When you say she is absconding with your child during the nursing breaks, do you mean she leaves and doesn't return, not allowing him to finish his visitation? That is not allowed. I think that the law is completely on your side on this one. There is nothing stopping her from pumping to send breastmilk with him if she feels that strongly about it. I don't think it is about the nursing at all. Thank you for being such an understanding supporter of breastfeeding! Most husbands, much less ex's, are not this understanding. But she is abusing your fairness and I would say that you dont have to allow it anymore. Good luck!

Hi I am a breastfeeding mom and former La Leche League Leader. I think it is wonderful that you are trying to work with your sons breastfeeding relationship with his mother. At your sons age breastfeeding is as much about comfort as nourishment. Physiologically your son can go without breastmilk. He can get all the vitamins and nutrients he needs from other food but he cannot get the antibodies or just the complete relaxation many toddlers get while nursing. I would encourage you to read "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" or other books about extended breastfeeding and then try to base your decision on what is best for your son, not you. I have breast fed all five of my children who are now 8,7, 4, 2 and 11 months. The first three nursed well past 18 months and could not have easily spent the night without me before 3 years. However my fourth was a different person altogether and she was easily able to go to her grandparents for a weekend at 18 months. I would look at your son's personality and desires, does he ask for his mom? Does he notice if she is late for a scheduled feeding? Can he easily go to sleep without nursing? After you look at these things I think this will help you pursue what is best for everyone. One last thing, if your son is sick especially with a gastrointestinal illness I would let him nurse with his mother as much as possible as there are many studies showing that breastmilk is an excellent remedy for diarrhea and other GI upsets. So most importantly be flexible based on your sons changing needs.

Sounds like your doing a good Job as a DAD Congrats !!!!
Ask your Ex if she can PUMP while you have your can give him her milk when he needs it usually right before nap time ask her in fact you can go buy one for her and ask her if she can use it so you can go to the park with out any interruptions
Best of Luck
D.
mom of 4

I recommend a visit to the la leche league website. If I remember what I read correctly after 18 months the breastmilk is actually also important for the bonding/comfort they get from the breast. The average time people outside the US breastfeed is 4 years. Of course this is only morning and night and comforting.
Anyway I guess I am trying to say I understand where she is coming from if her intent is that. If she is just not wanting to be seperated from him for selfish reasons than shame on her for using your child to do that.

I pulled these from the article and attached the link:

"Once a child no longer needs mother's milk solely for nutritional purposes, there's no sense in breastfeeding." In truth, a mother's milk is just as nutritious and continues to provide immunities to a toddler while being a source of comfort.

We seem to believe that the only legitimate excuse for breastfeeding is hunger and that anything else is a misuse of the goods...we see the need for comfort as not only inferior to the need for food, but as requiring suppression. (Ondrack 2006)

"After a certain point, the nursing relationship is more for the mother than the child." There's no denying that breastfeeding provides emotional and physical benefits to a mother as well as a child. However, if there weren't anything in the relationship for the child (comfort, nourishment), he simply wouldn't nurse.

No matter how evil some people may make mother's enjoyment sound, a woman's enjoyment of breastfeeding is a good thing -- one of the many wholesome pleasures available in life. (Bumgarner 2000)

And conversely, if a mother thinks she might stop nursing her toddler for whatever reason, her feelings need to be factored into whatever decision is made about weaning. Bumgarner explains, "To continue to nurse an older baby and hate it tends to become martyrdom -- a poor basis for any family relationship."

http://www.llli.org/NB/NBSepOct07p196.html

This is a tough position to be in and I am glad you shared because it seems as though you just want what is best for your child. Good luck with everything.

Can't she pump for that one feeding and you can give him breastmilk? Not sure if the issue is the actual act of breastfeeding, but if it's simply a nutritional thing, that seems like a happy medium.

I just want to say that you are doing such a great job as an involved parent!! And, it's been great how understanding you have been of nursing and breastfeeding. There's absolutely no reason that you can't have him for 24 hours. If she feels he needs to have breast milk, then she can pump and give you a bottle or cup for him. He is at an age where breast milk isn't *necessary* for his nutrition, and 24 hours here and there certainly won't affect him. For her, she can pump while the kiddo is away if she's concerned about her supply. He is definitely okay, and it sounds like she is imposing this for her own needs and separation anxiety than for your son. By the way, my son who is now almost 2, had an overnight (due to traveling) of 24+ hours with my husband at 6 months of age. I continued to nurse with no issues. :)

As I think about it, I am more concerned about how her requesting this affects your son's time with you, and may make it even more difficult for your son. Pay attention to his emotions/behavior when she comes to nurse and just after. He may be fine, or it may throw him off a bit. In any case, I think you deserve some uninterrupted father-son time. It's good for you, at any age.

Breastfeeding is good, but there's no reason she cant pump at this age so that you can have him longer. There is always the problem at a younger age that they'll stop taking the breast all together, but at his age, it wouldnt be the end of the world if he did, since he's getting most of his nutrition from regular food.

To me it sounds like you and your childs mother have deeper issues and the breastfeeding is just a way for her to exert power over you. You need to follow through with your attorney and see where this goes in the court system. As sad as it is sometimes an impartial court is the only way to resolve issues.

It may be that the two of you can get a court appointed mediator.

Hi C.,
It's great that your toddler is still breastfeeding - despite what the previous poster said, 12 months is actually the MINIMUM recommended. I don't feel that it would legally hold up in court due to the fact that mom could pump the milk for him. However, if this is how he is put to sleep, and has always nursed to sleep, it may be traumatic for your son if mommy is not there at bedtime. Would this be the case? I think it's great to have the every 12 hours for nursing with mom, but I think if you continue with this, there should be a limit - not mom taking off with him, but simply a 20 or 30 minute visit with mom. Would it upset him to have the 24 hours without mom? Only a trial run would tell.

No. At 18 months your child can receive all his nutrients through the solid foods. The greatest benefits to breastfeeding are during the first 6 months. There are still many benefits till one year. After this year you can get all your nutrients from food. Or, you can breast feed for them. You could not get anyone to say that breastfeeding is "necessary" after one year. No doctor or judge would allow shorter visits for breastfeeding issues at this age. If you want to continue with breast milk ask her to pump it for you. I do understand that some people like attachment parenting, but this sounds more like interference parenting.

I stopped breastfeeding at 12 months, so that's the perspective I'm coming from. But IMHO, by 18 months, there's nothing wrong with him spending 24 hours with you without breastfeeding. Most peds say whole milk is fine for infants after 12 months. If his mother is really that concerned about nutrition, she could pump, and you could feed that milk to him in a sippy cup. (For whatever it's worth, as a mom, it would be hard for me to go 36 hours with my son being away, but that feeling is independent of breastfeeding.) Good luck. You sound like a great dad.

The recommendation is to breast feed until 24 months. The recommendation was made for a reason-for the baby's health. Many studies have shown that breastfeeding for 2 years helps ward off medical problems when the child is older.

It sounds like you are very involved and your relationship is very close. Waiting until he is finished breastfeeding is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of his life and will not make any difference in your bonding. Although you will never know, but it would be a shame if his health was compromised because you wanted longer visiting hours at this time. You've already established good bonding; think of your child's health not your own convenience.

Frankly sir I think she is doing it just to push your buttons. Does she work? What does she do when she is working? Um, PUMP? Most likely. If she can pump for work she can pump when you have visitation.
I don't know what you are going to do with the information you get from this forum other than use it as validation that you are doing the right thing (which may be enough =)). Your son needs you as much as he needs his mother. What he needs more than breast milk atm is stability, parents that aren't always angry with each other and who are working together for their child's best interests.
What do the courts say? If you are entitled to standard visitation and your son has no health issues there is no reason why you cannot feed him whatever you wish (including formula) during your visitation. Custody cases are tough on everyone, some are worse than others. I feel your frustration and wish you luck! Hopefully some of it will die down over the next few years.....
You are doing the right thing and it sounds like you are a good dad, stick with it and do the right thing. =)

She's manipulating. At 18 months, she is using this as a way to control you, nothing else. It is time to get outside help defining/enforcing your parental rights, because if you don't do it now, it is going to get worse.

S

He's ok. She is taking advantage of your goodness and generosity. He doesn't receive enough nutrients and antibodies from the milk any longer that would compromise anything by taking them away. But if she insists on using that as her reason to try to guilt you into sharing you precious, deserved time with your son then she should pump. It's nit about the breastfeeding though. It's about her working an angle. You seem really nice. I hope this works put for you. Your son dwarves having you stand up for your rights as his dad. Good luck!
By the way...I am passionate about breastfeeding and still think your ex is being silly and unreasonable.

in my opinionhe is definitly ready for weekly visit.he is 18 months old i dont think he should even still be breastfeeding my doctor told me to stop at 12 months because that is when they are ready for cows milk unless he maybe having illnesses or something of that sort but he not he shouldnt be breastfed and he should be able to have weekly visit with you.

She can pump! You may need to go back to court but do it. Your son deserves to have both his parents in his life.

you sound very well rounded and reasonable, and it is not at all unreasonable to want to take your child for longer periods of time. At 18mos old ,her milk supply is well established, and he is well into the routine of nursing, that going a weekend without will not undermine that nursing relationship. She knows this, and it sounds like she just doesn't want to let him go for a weekend.

No - she's perfectly capable of pumping and sending bottles of expressed milk with the child. Please don't let her use this flimsy excuse from seeing your son. You have rights too, but more importantly your son deserves to form positive and healthy relationships with BOTH parents.

I really appreciate your post and the title you chose. It shows you are looking for genuine advice. I agree with many of the other posts and believe you should allow her to nurse as long as she wants to for the reasons that have already provided. However, it shouldn't take more than 30 min - giving her an hour is plenty of time.

WAY TO GO on your attitude and fantastic daddy-ness! :)
While breastfeeding is still important, she can totally pump for him and should. You need to go to court and hammer out a parenting plan with the momma because it sounds like she's a controller.
Good luck and again, you're doing an amazing job! :) :) :)

As a mom, I don't think this is a breastfeeding issue at all. My kids were both weaned from breastfeeding around 12months. Sounds to me like mom is either not trusting or is having a hard time being away from the child. As a mom I can understand that, but it sounds like this has always been the situation. By now she should be used to letting the child be away at dad's for a weekend. I don't think it's bad of you to want your time with the child to be soley yours. Wether it's now or later, the mom is going to have to get over the attachment issue and learn to let go. It's probably best to do this while the child is still young, and isn't being pulled in different directions.

No it's not going to compromise his health by now he's already gotten all the antibodies he can get from breastfeeding , at this point it's a bonding and comfort thing for both of them.
There's no reason he can't spend the weekend with you without breastfeeding.

I think it is great that you are so involved and wanting to be a part of your child's life, my husband is very much the same way. However, I have to be honest with you and say that at 18 months, although he's getting bigger, he's still a baby and his closest connection is going to be with his mom. I would want to "abscond" with him as well - it would tear me apart to have to be away from my baby for that long. Some people mentioned that she is controlling, but so is a mamma bear - it's actually a natural instinct built into us so that we keep our children close and safe. I am sure that you will work it out, but I just wanted to offer another perspective.

Hey! First I want to commend you on your desire to be so actively involved in your son's life despite no longer being involved with his mother. Kudos to you! To address your question, your son will be fine without visitation breaks for breast feeding. Children who are eating well and drinking water, juice and/ or milk throughout the day are fine. His mother can pump and leave the milk with you so that you can give him a breast-milk bottle during the day. As a former breast feeding mother, I pumped during the day and left milk with my mom, she kept my girls. It is really simple and only requires that his mother pump prior to your daddy-son time. In this situation, it appears that she is trying to control your quality time with your son. I am not sure how you two split up, but is there looming feelings on her part? Otherwise, why would she insist that she interrupts your time with your son? Just something for you to think about (this has probally crossed your mind). Your son is 18 months and around this time, and even at a much younger age, children will typically begin to ween themselves as they no longer depend soley on breat milk for their calorie intake and dietary needs. I appreciate your comments and willingness to ask for help, or the community opinion. Good luck!
- T.

To me it sounds like her objections are all about control and inserting herself into your time with your son. She should pump for him if she's so worried about him getting her milk. This child is already quite mature for breastfeeding; the benefits of breastmilk are probably still there but certainly very marginal at this point. On the other hand, by disrupting your time and relationship with him, she's potentially doing more harm than good for your son. She needs to back off, share, and develop a more diversified portfolio of satisfactions in her own life. Get her a puppy?! Or find her a new boyfriend....