Argh!!! 12 Year Old Daughter STILL Writing on Walls!

Oh how such "simple" problems can be resistant to change.
But let's start with simple and move onto more complex.

First of all, rather than interrogate her, see if you can engage her in a conversation where you just ask her why she does it. AND....ALL YOU CAN SAY IN RESPONSE IS "UH HUH" AND
"LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT ( followed by your summation of her feelings and thoughts)....THAT'S ALL.

NO COMMENTS, NO QUESTIONS, NO ORDINARY CONVERSATION. THIS MUST BE DONE TOTALLY WITH HER THE ONLY FOCUS.

Then think about what she has said.

Several days later, when you have had time to think about this...try this:

Get a pad of paper and a two pencils or pens.

"Daughter (fill in her name obviously) ya know when you write on the walls, I get so (fill in your feeling), I really wish you wouldn't write on the walls.

Let's come up with some ways that you can meet your needs (what she said from the previous conversation) and my needs (which are to keep the walls clean).

Let's put our heads together to come up with some solutions to this problem.

Then start writing down the solutions you come up with.

After you've collected five or six...say, "Well, lets choose one and try it for a week and see how it works out."

R.

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My initial thought was that punishing her was the answer. But, that's because of how I was raised. We had no freedom and were never given a chance to express ourselves the way we wanted to. Everything was very black and white in our home. Our parents way was the only way. I remember how frustrating this was.

I remember one of my friends (middle thru high school) had an entire wall in her room that was hers to create. Her whole room was one color but then this one wall she decorated herself with markers. She doodled and wrote phrases on it. The first time I saw it I was thinking I couldn't believe how spoiled she was and she could do whatever she wanted. In time I began to realize that my parents were so different than others. I was very jealous of my friends who were allowed a little freedom.

I think it's important for girls around that age to start being allowed to have a little independence and learn what it is like to live with the choices they make. I agree that your daughter may need an area to design as she would like. This also could teach her to make nice choices with things that are more permanent - more than that moment.

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You can buy paint that dries into a chalkboard. You can then write on it with colored chalks. My suggestion would be to tape off one wall of her room. Paint it with the chalkboard paint and buy her some great chalks. This must be her need to express herself. At age 12 the emotional roller coaster is just beginning. If this is her outlet... let her have it!
You can also use the paint on boards to hang about the house in places she needs to write. You could even decorate around them with other colors of paints, ribbons and bric a brac. Make it a group project and try to find out why she needs this!

Good Luck!

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Hi E.!

If your daughter is an inspiring artist, you could just go with the flow and make ONE wall in her room (or one of your choice) "the drawing wall". Go to wallies.com or your local paint store and pick up a can of chalkboard paint or dry erase paint. Paint one wall and let the kids go at it, just make sure they know it is only to be done on this ONE wall.

They'll have fun and you won't go insane trying to stop it.

Hope this helps.

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Mary F your first and only response so far. That is one of the best advice notes I have read to date. Take her up on that, what a great idea. Remember being 12 what an awkward age for a girl. Wanting to know who you are, and thriving attention you WANT but don't WANT. Being in a big family maybe feeling lost in the shuffle but maybe not. Girls are emotional fish as I call them, by all means let her express herself. At 12 no you should not write on the walls. Make her a big wall at let her have at it, hell let her decorate her whole room with wall writing. Ask her if you could leave her a daily note just between you two. Who knows maybe you can open up a communication you never knew was missing. good luck I would really like to hear what you do with this keep me posted PLEASE. P.S being a part of a new family the size you have sounds overwhelming to me and I'm 45 not 12.

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I'm thinking that the at that age she knows better. I'm thinking that your punishments have not been severe enough. Make her clean every wall in the house, take away all crayons and markers for a month, and take away games or tv for a month and she won't do it again. Any child that age that keeps doing something like write on walls is just being rebellious and doesn't take the consequences seriously. Time to up the anty.

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If you have a place in your home for this, they sell a paint that after applied is a chalk board...ask for it at Home Depot or Lowes, I am sure they sell it. If you can paint a small wall or even a whole wall in her bedroom with it, maybe you can get her to be artistically expressive just on that wall??? I have seen some people paint large sections of their wall and then frame it with a border of some kind...it looks nice and works as a GIANT canvas. Maybe she just wants a large place to express her creativity?? ;-)
GOOD LUCK!

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Does your park or school have art classes. My daughter now almost 20 years, still doodles on paper. When she was young I purchased an easel with paper for her to draw whenever she wanted. Now in college she has taken some drawing & other art classes, she has painted her own room, made curtains, pillow cases and her decorating flare is wonderful. If you put a string across the walls, with clothes pins she can put her artwork up without permanantly ruining the walls. You might have an artist on your hands. Hope this helps.
C. S

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I've never had to deal with this, but a thought that came to me was, does she have her own room? Could you allow her to write all over the walls in her own room, then maybe she would limit herself to that?

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we have a chalkboard painted on our playroom wall. We used chalkboard paint and painted it over magnet paint on the wall. My husband then framed it out with molding so it looks real nice and finished. YOu can draw with chalk and hang magnets on it as well. She might like it.

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Hi E.,
The Mr. Clean Eraser works well for getting crayon off the walls. But, also, when I read your post it made me think of the book, The Last Lecture, by Professor Randy Pausch. Maybe it won't hurt if she draws on the walls....
C.

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Try getting butcher paper (or very large white paper) and tape it to a wall - tell her she can write on the wall ONLY in that section. See how that goes. I left my daughter write on the closet doors (they are metal) in the office, but ONLY with the washable crayons. I think it is good to let them be creative and different, but try to work with it and give them only a certain area where it is allowed so you are not left with a mess that can't come clean or have to paint the walls every 6 months. Good luck!

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The suggestions of a chalkboard wall sound nice but keep in mind, they are very difficult to cover up, once you don't want them there any longer.

It might be easier to just give her the use of one outlined wall in her room. At least it wouldn't be so hard to cover up. She'd have to understand the boundary.

Could you also invest in some large canvas boards? She obviously loves to create, so she needs an outlet.

Hope that helps!

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You can paint a wall with paint that turns it into a chalkboard. Perhaps art lessons so that it is chanelled?

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I applaud all the moms with great creative ideas! Surely all of this is good. Allow her to have a way to do this that you both find acceptable, and yes, keep tabs on what it's all about, expressionwise. Maybe it is artistic leanings or maybe not, but for sure it is something that needs expressing! When I was a young adult I make giant (I mean covering the entire walls) collages. They were on paper and all ended up interconnecting across one of my living room walls. That was an extremley satisfying project and when I finally got sick of it, I just took it down. But I worked out alot of stuff on that wall! Best of luck.

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I agree with all the chaulkboard paint suggestions! It's waaay fun and she probably will not want to draw anywhere else.

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E.,

I am all for kids at this age having their avenue of self-expression. My concern is - WHAT is she writing? Is it a boy's name, friends names, song titles, latest sayings etc. or is it anything disturbing or dark that could be her reaching out for attention and trying to let you know something is wrong? Are there any symbols you do not recognize? If so, be sure you research and find out - talk to her school social worker just in case there is any gang grafitti involved (sorry to go there, but I would err on the side of caution).

I would get her a journal - or a couple of journals to write in and am just not sure if I'd allow writing on the walls, but I guess it's a good idea if she just needs an outlet. If she is testing her boundaries though (just doing it because you said not to), being firm about not writing on the walls might actually help her feel more secure, go with your instinct and please don't overlook what she writes 'between the lines' or 'see the writing on the wall' ! ;-D

hugs,

W

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I think it would be very humbling to her if you just painted one wall in her bedroom that could be used as a "grafeti" (however you spell that) wall. You could designate specific writing utensils to use, have her paint it or help paint it, etc... I know it's hard to think of her room turning into something like that but I think it would allow her to express herself still with some boundaries. Did you see the Oprah that had that guy on there who was dying of cancer? He did "his last speech" for her that he had done at a college and talked about his parents allowing him a little freedom/creativity with his bedroom and still to that day he remembers that and I think she will too. If you don't like it you can always close the door right?? Good luck. It may be a compromise on both of your parts. Keep us posted as to what you decide!

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Just chiming in on what the others suggested: chalkboard paint with magnet paint underneath would be the thing to try.

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12 years old is way too old to be doing something that 4 year olds tend to do. Is she doing this for attention??? The only thing I could suggest if you are going to allow her to get away with this is to paint one of her walls with chalk board paint. I hope she is limiting the writing on the wall to just her room.

C. T.

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This could be many things. I agree with other posters that having an area for her to work creatively is a good idea. I wonder are there other things going on. How is she adjusting to her family being expanded? Is she having a hard time? I also agree with the poster who said that you should try to engage in a conversation where she does the talking as to what she is doing and why and what she is getting from it. If it is just a desire to create there are lots of ways to channel this. If it is something else, then a child psychologist may be able to help. Dr. Dana Flynn Schneider who works in OakBrook is good as is the Smart Love Family Services in Oak Park. Good Luck - my 18month old just got encouraged by the kids across the road to paint my downstairs wall - it looks like a lovely jackson pollack :) She is now attaching her play doh to it.

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At her age, you must be wringing your hands plenty. After having her clean and/or paint the wall for repair (whatever it needs) give her a mural size board or paper to cover 1 wall and let her design or whatever it is she does. She may be the next Picasso or Rodan etc. Let her develope her skills if GOD gave them to her. If she draws anywher she's not sopose to after that, take the mural away.

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