Are We Bad Parents??? Because We Care About Our Kids....

Well I think you know you are not bad parents, if you were you wouldnt be trying to help him. He needs guidence. Dont give up on him. But I do think there is such thing as being smothered, I went through it and it never turned out good, just made it worse. He is going to need his space sometimes or he will go crazy, and with all that stress may end up backfiring. Hopefully he will grow out of it, most kids do. I knew some pretty crazy people and they are perfectly fine now.

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You are not bad parents. The reason why he doesn't care is because he's not getting his way. Stand firm.

Was there any hint of anything possibly going on before you found out? How involved were you in his life before? Did you all do things as a family? Did you know all his friends? I'm asking these questions because if you weren't involved, or knew his friends, and let him do whatever he wanted, that is what is making him feel like he's being smothered.

My advice to you is this; please look up this effective parenting course, www.thetotaltransformation.com

I let as many people know about this as I can. Please look this up, it can help you.

You are not bad parents... you care.

ls

1 mom found this helpful

I don't know many 16 year olds that don't feel like their parents are smothering them, especially not ones that have been getting themselves in trouble. You are doing the right thing. Someday he will thank you for being SOOOOOO mean. Just remember that what you want for him is not necessarily what he wants for himself. You have to find a balance. Graduating is not an option, it is a must but he might not want to think about college right now so don't push it on him. He will get there when he is ready. My brother struggled a lot in HS and then did several different jobs after HS before he started college. He will be graduating this year at 33 with 3 kids that he has to provide for. It is hard and he now realizes his mistakes when he was younger but that was the path that he chose and he is making the best of it. Just keep on loving your son and he will get through this stage as well.

While it is true that addicts need to want to change for themselves, I beleive there is also research that shows kids are different and the exposure to NA or AA at a young age does make a difference. It is hard to face the fact at such a young age that you cannot drink or use again. Our culture is so wrapped up in it. But the fact of the matter is that I don't have the experience as a parent of an addict (yet), and you need the support of someone who does. (I am in recovery, but thankfully I have not had to live that with my children.)

I would STRONGLY suggest Nar-Anon or Al-Anon for you and your husband. You need the experience, strength, and hope of people who have been there. It is hard to make it to the first meeting, but you will be amazed at how others have already lived your problems and how much they understand.

I have taken the liberty of looking up the Nar Anon kansas link for you: http://www.nar-anon.org/kansas.htm

You've probably received a lot of information about this, but I would like to recommend Al-Anon to you. It is very frustrating when dealing with addiction, and can be very difficult to cope with. Al-Anon teaches the best ways to cope with and support your family member through addiction. Below is the website. I wish you and your family the best.

www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

Don't fall for the classic accusations of an addicted person. You are doing this BECAUSE you love him and it is called "tough love". You are setting necessary boundaries that are required for his recovery, and necessary for your family. At this point in the game, to cave to him would show that you didn't care. You have a child who is addicted and this is part of the addicted/manipulative behavior. You must learn now how to deal with him, because it has to happen on a different level. Get yourself into AL-ANON immediately!! This program helps the family recognize manipulative behavior in the addict and helps the family cope with and have a healthy recovery because it takes ALL of you!! Go to as many sessions as you can. It is crucial to HIS recovery!!

He's probably not ready for the help. Make him get it anyways. It has to sink in for him to undertand. No you're not bad parents, but to him right now you are the enemy. He has an addiction. When people have an addiction that is all they care about. Their mind is wired to need & want that more than anything in their life. Have you and your husband tried attending any NA meetings with or without your son? You need to do this to understand what he is going through & how to better help him. The more understanding you all have of his problem the more sucess he will have with your help. This isn't a no-no you can't touch that it's hot situation & he's not two. This is serious (which you know), but what I'm trying to say is he can know it's wrong & know that you don't approve & it can still over power him. (I've known too many drug/alcohol addicts) It's also a lifestyle change because to get out of drugs you have to make new friends & take harassment from the old ones. Of course he doesn't want you smothering because unless you're sure he's fully recovered or at least on the right track he's wanting a way out to get one more high. Do try to let him socialize in "safe" settings (if there is such a thing) Maybe go to the movies with a friend you're sure isn't into drugs (unfortunately you may have to check up on him to make certain that is what he is doing - just try to do it so he doesn't know). Maybe even try to connect (whih he will HATE), but take him out to dinner without the little ones or you/your husband could go to a movie of his choice (again without the little ones). You have a rough road ahead of you & he has a rough life as this is something that will always linger over him. This is NOT something he can overcome alone, but you also can't be his crutch. Be strong & knowledge is power. Learn everything you can about addiction. He didn't mean to get addicted to the drugs, he just wanted a quick high & it escalated from there. Also, look at your expectatios of him & see if he is capable of living up to them. Not everyone can go to college or be the star track runner, etc. Somrtimes kids turn to drugs as a stress relief. I'm not saying it is his reason, just explore everything! Our thoughts & prayers are with you!

WOW! Im am going through sort of the same situation with my 16 year old stepdaughter! She hasn't been on all kinds of drugs though. We have found pot in her room. My husband and I are always made to be the "BAD" parents because she has no freedom! You are doing the right thing! Even of he doesn't appreciate it. My husband and I have to keep telling ourselves that!!! You and your husband be strong and don't let your guard down! If you want to talk more..you can email me! Im always looking for someone in my situation to talk to!!! Good luck!

Well, if that is being bad parents, then we should all be so blessed as to have such "bad parents" !

Deana-

First of all, I am sorry that you are going through this sitation. Let me tell you that first and foremost, NO, you are not bad parents because you care. It sounds like your stepson is upset and mad because you are 'intruding' on his life and not giving him free time because he knows that if he gets it, he will do things that are illegal and wrong. Starting drugs at 14 is very young and it sounds like he is basically getting the help he NEEDS, but not the help he WANTS. In that situation, there is nothing I can offer to you because if he does not want help, how do you force it upon him? That being said, I think you are doing the right thing in having him go to NA meetings and outpatient treatment. A 14, 16 or 18 year old on drugs can in no way, shape or form know what is best for themselves. I do not even necessarily belive a 14 or 16 year old NOT ON DRUGS knows what is best. They are still young, impressionable and learning. Maybe he's acting out because of some other reason (custody, was it a bad divorce, does he get along with your family as well as his mother's, etc?). Maybe he doesn't feel like he belongs anymore (is his mother remarried as his father is?). I would continue to do what you are doing. If he decides when he is 18 that he does not want to live under your roof and have you support him, then he can then make his own decisions. Until then, he HAS to obide by yours, even if he doesn't agree with them. And as far as 'smothering him', i would explain that you would not feel the need to check on him all the time and keep tabs on him if #1: He wasn't doing drugs #2 He didn't lie to you for years and #3: He was truly interested and active in getting sober. Other than that, you can only hold on and brace yourself for the ride!!! Good luck!

Good Morning D.. Nope your the best kind of parent a child on drugs could ever have. Even if it seems he doesn't Care one day he will thank you from the bottom of his heart. Keep it up and tell him & show him you all love him daily. Tough love it hard on everyone especially for parents.

God Bless your Heart abundantly

K. Nana of 5

You are NOT a bad parent. He has proven he can't be trusted and that he makes bad decisions when left on his own. With him only being 16 no matter what you do he will see you as the "enemy" Don't take it personally. He may me cranky now but after he fully recovers and makes himself a useful productive member of society he will thank you.

His whiney "teenagerness" will probably get worse before it gets better, but you must remain tough. I wouldn't let him have any freedom until he passes drug tests for three months (but that is just me) you may choose a longer or shorter amount of time. He also has to prove that he can be trusted, no lying, no drugs, no nothing that can be considered a bad decision.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Of course you aren't bad parents. Now, what to do with a teenager in this situation isn't something I know too much about though. I can't even figure out how to get my almost 3 year old to listen to me! I just wanted to say that I think you are good parents, and yes, some parents might turn their back on him. I don't know your situation, but perhaps letting up a little to show him that he CAN actually earn your trust back will help him somehow? Maybe give him his free time, but in exchange require him to do weekly drug tests or something. I think you can buy home kits now. If he screws up agian send him to one of those bootcamp places, no questions asked, and I don;t think I'd threaten him with it, I think I'd just do it if he breaks your trust again.