Are Thank Yous a Thing of the Past?

Unfortunately, I think thank-you's are becoming a thing of the past. But I plan on teaching my kids the same values my parent's taught me. If I didn't get out my thank you notes in reasonable time, my M. would tell me she would take the gifts back! To this day, I still send thank you notes (99% of the time handwritten) when I receive a gift or my children do. It's ashame. It really is. If you send something out and still don't hear a thank you, maybe call the person and ask if he/she received it. I know... it's frustrating.

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I think thank you cards or at least a thank you over the phone are very important. It shows that you acknowledge the gift that someone gave you and that you appreciate the thoughtfulness. I don't think that being "busy" is an excuse for something like writing a thank you note, which takes about 30 seconds to do.

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I send a Thank You for everything that we receive unless I call that person on the phone and thank them. I was taught to respect people and saying "Thank You" was a way to do that. I am holding steady on this rule. I will teach my kids to do the same. Your cousin should have said at least a little something about the gift - you're family, right?? I don't think you are wrong for being "stuck in the past" because I am too!!!!!

A.

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According to Emily Post (and she's my manners authority), if you open a gift and are not able to thank the giver IN PERSON, you need to write a Thank you note. An alternative is to give them a call on the phone specifically to thank them. Email is NOT acceptable. If you open the gift and they are there when you open it and you thank them on the spot, you're off the hook.

That said, when in doubt, write the note. I almost ALWAYS write thank you notes for gifts - and definintely if it is a gift that has been mailed to me. It makes a huge difference to the giver.

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I am a HUGE believer in thank you notes. I will
verbally thank the person who has given me a gift, but I always also send a thank you note as well. It shows that you appreciate that they took the time to buy you a gift so you are taking the time to thank them. My sister-in-law and her family live in Colorado and we always send them gifts and they never thank us and sometimes don't even acknowledge receiving the gifts. I can't even tell you how much that burns my butt! But do I ever not acknowledge her gifts and never send them thank you notes? Absolutely not! My M. believed in always making us sit down as kids and write thank you notes and it is something I intend on making my daughter do as well when she gets old enough to actually write them. As for now ~ I send her thank you notes from her point of view and now that she's getting older I will have her "write" a little note herself on the thank you note. So, in answer to your question ~ you definitely should expect some type of thank you from your cousin and friend's son.

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I completely agree that Thank you notes are very important! The only time we don't do them and surely don't expect them is for a gift EXCHANGE, like Christmas gift exchanges with family, though at those times we usually do a verbal phone call thank you or an email thank you especially if not opened in the presence of the giver. Birthday parties, babies, weddings, and ESPECIALLY just because gifts, I see it as VERY important, primarily for the reason of RESPECT and acknowledging the person was extra kind to you. Even Christmas when it's not family members, we do thank you's. So, yeah, I see it as very important and not at all a thing of the past.

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It is rude and disrespectful not to say thank you. Thank goodness for manners! I was brought up, that if you did not send a thank you, or call to say thank you, then you did not expect another gift from that person, again. Period.

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I agree with you and always have my sons make thank you notes. Since they were little babies, I would paint their handprint or footprint on a piece of paper and say "Thank you! Love, xxx). It doesn't have to be much, but just something saying thank you. I want to teach my children manners and respect and that they need to appreciate things they have. Unfortunately, I think a lot of manners and respect have fallen by the wayside these days. It's sad, but true. Keep sending the thank yous, it is the right thing to do and teaches our kids a valuable lesson.

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You are right, people should give you some type of "thank you". Either by phone or by post. Some people think that they should recieve a gift and not have to thank people for it. It also ticks me off when people don't give thanks for a gift. I do understand that people are busy and like you said a quick phone call only takes a few minutes. Even an email would be appreciated.

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Unfortunately etiquette is one of the things that has gone out the window the last 20 years. I am apalled by the birthday parties where you dump a gift, the kids race around and everyone goes home.
A. What happened to kids opening their gifts from their friends? It gives the child a chance to say thank you right then and teach them to be gracious when they get something they don't want.
B. Thank you notes for gifts should be a must! Not everyone can afford it and for someone to go out of their way to give a gift should be reason to thank them.
C. Um, how about thanking the HOST for the party? I have seen people just leave without saying good-bye.
Don't stop doing the right thing just because others either don't know any better or are borish. Teach your OWN children what is right and proper. Some day it will come back to you.
I had a teenage girlfriend of my daughter thank ME for teaching my daughter manners! She told me that by having my daughter for a friend she had learned how to be more polite. I was shocked! But it made me feel good that all the years of teaching my daughter to say please, sit up, send notes, etc. had an impact on someone else. I still get compliments on how polite my children are.
Manners are the grease that keeps society going. I think that is how the old quote goes. =) It is the thing that should keep us trying to work together. One of the failings of society right now is the "me" attitude. If everything is about what "I" want then we forget how to be kind, generous towards each other. Manners aren't really about "me" they are about being kind and acknowledging others! You are doing the right thing. *HUG*

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I send thank you's for gifts as well. Sometimes, I write them from my child's point of view. Our family/friends probably think I'm nuts. We don't always send them at Christmas when we exchange with family, in their presence. I send stuff to my sister and I usually have to ask how my nephews liked their gifts. I think it is somewhat generational. I'm the oldest, and my M., mother in law, etc all send thank you's and greeting cards. Now, my sister's on the other hand are 8 and 10 years younger and I think it goes over their heads sometimes.
I read a good tip on here or in parents magazine. You can have your child write their name and have it made into a signature stamp. Then when you do multiple thank you's, they can choose a color(s) and stamp each one themselves. When my son is still learning to write his name, so he does his best for now. Before I use to let him scribble on the blank part of the card above the writing.

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I think thank you notes are expected. It is rude not to send one. Busy...you took the time to buy the gift, they can't take a few minutes to write a note?

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Honestly, I hate writing out the thank you cards for my sons (2.5 yrs and 4 months) but I've never, ever missed one! As soon as they can understand the concept, they absolutely will be writing them. The fact that someone took the time to buy a gift, wrap it and get it to my sons FAR outweighs how "busy" I am or how much I don't like writing the cards.

It's rude not to do it. Plain and simple. I did it and my sons will do it.

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Thank you notes are definitely not a thing of the past, though I have to confess that mine sometimes come a little late. When I was pregnant, I was at a craft fair with a friend and she pointed out that they had thankyou cards on sale for a $1 and I bought tons, so I know that thank yous are not out of fashion with everyone. But it is definitely a thing learned from family.

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I don't think "Thank Yous" are a thing of the past and always try to send one out if they aren't able to see the present opened in person. My husband has a large family and we get invited to everything! Lately we've been declining to go because they never send "thank yous" or even acknowledge you took a gift. Birthdays, baby showers or whatever if I don't get a thank you then I assume the child or parent didn't like the gift and toss all invitations from that person in the future. And I don't buy the "I'm too busy" excuse - 99% of the invitations we get are mailed so if you have time to mail the card asking for gifts then TAKE the time to mail the thank you.

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I too when my kids were small and I had one child was so good about thank you notes and anal about receiving them. Now I have three kids (13, 8, 6) and I can't believe I am saying this - but I now tend to loose track at parties of who got what!

There are usually so many kids and so much going on that sometimes I forget to write down who got what. I ALWAYS make it a point for them to give the person a direct thank you though for their gift. We also read cards in bed that night and talk about what they received and how nice that was. There is probably a lot of behind the scenes stuff that you just don't see it doesn't mean they are not thankful :)

Also, if you left early, unfortunately they wouldn't have the chance for the child to thank you. If these are your friends and loved ones, don't stress they are just very busy but really appreciate the gift I am sure. No worries...relax and enjoy every moment!! :) Hope this helps!

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You are not wrong to expect this! My daughter is now 6. But I started teaching her from an early age, and by example, that manners are a necessary part of life. The very first thing I thought it was important for her to learn to actually say was, "Thank you," because you're not always asking for something that you receive. Whenever I went out in public with her, I always got complimented on her behavior and manners. We're so used to standing in line with young kids just pushing through to get past us, that when my daughter would walk up to someone and say, "Excuse me," she was always met with a remark at how wonderful she is. I have my daughter write thank you cards (may not ALWAYS be in the timeliest fashion, but it's always better late than never) if the gift was mailed or the person wasn't there to see her open it. She, of course, thanks everyone who's present for the gift they gave. If it's formal (not a birthday party or at Christmas) then she says thank you to everyone who's there as well as sends a thank you card (she was baptized last weekend and will be writing thank you cards--I still have to buy the thank you cards, but I need to money which I'm seriously lacking right now). So I feel you're justified in your feelings. My thing has always been if you don't teach kids when they're young and you have all the influence in the world on them, don't expect to teach them when they're older. We're not born with manners. They're learned. And at an early age. So I say AMEN to you!

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You are not stuck in the past!

While I do not ever expect a thank you note from those to whom I have given a gift, I absolutely and positively send a thank you note for everything I receive. I've even gotten thank you cards with my son's name on them to send out whenever we receive a gift from him. Even though I write them for him now, you can bet that when he is old enough to write he will be writing them. Even if it just says "Dear Grandma - Thank you for the toy. It is really cool. Love, Grandson", that's fine with me. It's the right thing to do.

I know we are busy, but come on! If someone can take the time to buy you (or your loved one) a gift, then you should take the 2-3 minutes it would take to acknowledge the gift preferably by note. Not doing so is just plain lazy, in my opinion.

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Thank yous are definitely *not* a thing of the past!

For those who aren't acknowledging your gift in any way (and especially if you weren't there to see the gift being opened / received), perhaps you just ask off-hand sometime whether the child enjoyed the gift or not. That would ensure that no mix-up happened (say your card identifying from whom the gift was given fell off, for example) AND remind the person that they hadn't acknowledged your generosity in any way...a little prod might help them realize their rude behavior and maybe even do better in the future (or at least one can hope)

Thanks,
M.

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They most definitely are not a thing of the past. I personally love writing thank-you notes. I not only write them for gifts that we have received, but also for special parties and events that we attend. Tis the season for parties and I feel that some people work so hard to entertain they deserve a hand-written acknowledgement. Also, weddings...most of us know what kind of hard work goes into putting one together so I always send a note to the couple and parents, if appropriate. I do think that it is something that we learn as we're younger so I have had stationary printed with my kid's names printed on it since the day they were born. They are too young to write, but I do tell them what I am doing so they are aware of the proper etiquette when they get older.

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Thank you for sending this out!!!! I agree with all that thank you's are a must. While picture cards with thank you on them are nice a personal note is always and I mean always best!!!!!! We all know how hard time and money are to come by and when someone attends your party and gives their time to do so and then spends money on a gift well that is the least you can do to show appreciation!!! I do like the post that one of the M.'s boycotts those parties in the future where she doesn't receive a thank yous from times past. It is rude not to send thank you's period..Some people need to get a clue. Ladies keep on sending out those Thank you's when needed. I do and enjoy it :D

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I always send thank yous!

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I think a thank you is a must. Even if it comes late, it should still be given. My daughter just turned one, and we did not have a party. But we received a number of gifts from family and friends. I sent every person a thank you card from her. She even signed them (via a little scratch with a pen in her hand guided by me). I think thank yous are essential, and that is what I want to teach my daughter.

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Dear K,
You are NOT wrong.
It is RUDE to not express thanks in some way no matter how "busy" you are.
Next time just send a card with NO gift.

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I think they are somewhat of the past. I guess it would depend on the situation. For example when my husband gets invited to a b-day party from work. I don't know that person and therefore don't really care if there is a thank you note or not. However, if a close friend invites me I would like a thank you, though I don't care to get one because I know they appreciate it. I'm sure after your cousin's party she thanked you for coming. I would take that as a "thank you". That should suffice.

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THANK YOU FOR DOING THANKS YOUS!!!! I was taught the same way and I am STRONG believer in thank yous...written or called no matter your age. I made a homemade baby quilt for my cousins new baby with his name it. It was so cute. Ihad to mail it all the way to CO where they live. This was last Feb. and I still have not heard a thanks! I know she got it because she told my aunt she did.
For me (and what I am trying to teach my daughter) Thank yous are a form or appreciation and respect. I was a high school art teacher before I became a SAHM, and teaching your children to say thank you now sticks with them for the rest of thier life....trust me, I saw it in the teenagers, I taught. So warming as a teacher to have students that have had parents teach them that lesson of appreciation.
I don't think you are wrong at all for our feelins, and I am super glad you are teaching your daughter the importance of being greatful. There are many people she will encounter in her life that will see her appreciation for others and that is that is a reflection of a great M.! :)

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Oh, M. K, have you hit a sore spot with me!
I was raised to understand that thank you notes were a very serious matter of courtesy and I got used to writing them for all gifts I received (parties or events, the requirement was to thank the host/hostess in person before departing). I too wondered if that courtesy had gone by the wayside when I purchased wedding gifts and never received a note in return - honestly, I was offended. But I knew they weren't a thing of the past when I read Amy Dacyczyn's "Tightwad Gazette." She and her husband had six children, all of whom were in the process of learning to write thank you notes. I followed her lead and had my kids draw pictures of the gifts even before they could write.
It shouldn't come to a point where gift givers are surprised to receive thank yous.
In fact, some older folks in our families have stopped giving gifts to older children (teens who should know better) who aren't courteous enough to say thanks.
Now if I could just get my Christmas cards out!

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M. K,

I don't think you're stuck in the past at all...or at least you're not alone. I also send thank you notes for every gift my children receive. My 5-year-old daughter loves to write them now, too.

Yet, my husband's brother's family has never once sent a thank you card for the gifts we send their children. Not even a call to say they've received them. Some people are just rude and there isn't anything you can do about it. Since they are my in-laws, I won't confront them...if it was my family, I would. So I just ignore it and continue to encourage gratefulness with my kids.

Best of luck!!!

M.

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I still do thank you notes for everything. I think it is just polite and an acknowledgemnt of the gift or thought. I've gotten lazier since having a child and now do picture ones from Snapfish so I don't have to personalize them. Just a "thanks for coming to my party and for the lovely gift" that you have done on it and then everyone gets a picture too. They aren't that expensive and it saves a lot of time. I think it's rude to not send something. But my M. instilled that in us too.

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I definately agree with sending thank you's. I do think it is very rude not to. My mother has always been on my butt to send them and I will always make sure my kids send them. I have some cousins that don't send any, and it is very annoying. I am still waiting to see if an acquantance sends out thank yous for her daughters birthday that we went to a couple of weeks ago. It's not looking good. But for the most part, my friends and family still send them. At least your kids will have some manners even if others don't.

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I don't think that you are way off base at all. In fact, if I'm slow to send mine I still hear about it from my own M. today! I make all my kids do it, which really involves sitting down with me and either signing their name on the letter I wrote or drawing some little picture, again on the letter I wrote for them. I think the biggest issue is for gifts that are sent through the mail. There, if a long time goes by, I try to casually mention it to find out whether it was in fact received. Sometimes, companies make mistakes, and they either don't send something, or they short you (like 2 place settings of china instead of the 4 you should have received...) Anyway, I think that with relatives where you know that the gift was received, all you can really do is make sure that you send them thank you notes promptly for every little thing and maybe they will get the hint. Otherwise, don't let it get under your skin too much. Good luck.

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Absolutely not! Thank you's are a sign that someone cares about you. And, you have every right to ask for one. Pleasantly. Nicely. While they may be understood as "proper" behavior, when done simply out of that sense of propriety, they lose their impact. It's like a husband routinely sending having his secretary send his wife flowers. Yechhh!

But when done from the heart, they are very meaningful.

Maybe your friends aren't really your friends?
Or, maybe you just need to tell them what makes you feel good.
Or, maybe you just need to evaluate why you like these people in the first place. If having them as part of your coterie or relations is important to you, then maybe you'll just have to accept them the way they are.
But I'd still share my feelings with them. Something to the effect of "I' was kinda disappointed when I didn't hear from you about the gift I gave you. My curiosity is still running high? Did you like it? Was I off the mark? Keep me in the loop!"

Tell me how it goes!

R.

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I agree with everyone else that Thank yous are not a thing of past. However, I have noticed that I very rarely receive a thank you. I'm fine with a call, an email or whatever to acknowledge receipt of a gift. At a party or some situation where I see the person receive the gift, I am not as bothered by a lack of thank you. I did slip up after my daughter was born and neglect to send some thank yous to people who sent gifts later (2nd child and didn't have a shower--the gifts trickled in over a few months, so some people sent something after I had sent out a batch of thank yous) so then I sent thank yous to those people really late and apologized for my tardiness in the notes. I have only 2 relatives who send out thank yous. I always feel awkward having to call and ask if a gift I mailed was received and consider it rude to not even acknowledge it.

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It is so gratifying to see all the responses from moms who do not feel that thank you notes are a thing of the past. I say this because I can't tell you how many times I do not receive a thank you - whether it's a BD gift or wedding gift. When you take the time to find a special gift and then you never know if the person liked it or even got it, I find it really rude. I have neices and nephews now in their 20s and over the years I received exactly one written thank you - they don't even thank me over the phone. My parents have stopped sending them gifts or checks because they feel it goes unappreciated. Every year for 15 years I have been sending Christmas gifts to a good friend's children who do not live close by. My friend will call and thank me but I have never ever received a thank you from the children.

My 9 year old daughter has been writing thank you notes since she could write (just like I was taught). What I have noticed is how appreciative people are - especially the older folks because so many times they go unthanked. It has also taught my daughter to always be appreciative of everything she receives.

So, if you are stuck in the past, I'm there with you!

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I don't think it's polite not to acknowledge a gift, but some people just don't. I also think it's ok to ask, after the fact, "Did Bobby get the gift we sent him? I just wanted to be sure it didn't get lost in the mail" or "Is Susie still a 3T? That sweater I got her looked big". Hopefully then the giftee's parents will at least have to acknowledge the gift, if not be a little embarrassed that they didn't initiate the thank you in the first place. I think that it's appropriate to be told if a gift was received, especially if it was left at a house or sent in the mail. And don't let others' lack of manners keep you from teaching proper manners to your kids (it sounds like you won't!). I think taking the time to write a note to be sent in the mail is really nice in this world of text messages and emails.

I'm with you on your plight for politeness!

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I believe in thank yous. My 2 children are too young to write their own, so I sent a picture thank you from the event. One for a baptism the other her b-day party

Your not stuck in the past, I am one of the people you hate. I honestly wish I could sit down and write a thusand thank you notes a day to all the people I owe one to. I can also blame it on my ADD. But, life tends to get away from me and before I know it its five months after and I wonder if I should still send one or will I just look like an idiot for not sending one in the first place. I do try and say Thank you by the phone etc. but sometimes time travels by.

From all the moms similar to me on the forgetful road I will say thank you for all of us.

I even write thank yous to immediate family members and my parents write them to us as well. But I have to admit, I don't expect them anymore, people are just rude that way.
If it's a repeat offender, you could always say something like "Did Johnny like his scarf? The thank you must have gotten lost in the mail." I'm not brazen enough to do so, but I fantasize about it :)

I agree with you. I think it is in very poor taste to not send a thank you card. Even though I'm only 24 I am old school and think that a phone call is nice but a card should always follow a gift. I don't think being busy is a valid excuse, everyone is busy. Most of my husbands family do not send thank you and I think it is so rude.

M. K - I feel your pain. I am a big believer in thank you cards and don't feel that it is a thing of the past. Those of who do it need to keep doing it to keep the good etiquette going. So, what do you do about those who don't write or verbalize thank yous? I think the answer is nothing. I am guessing you didn't give the gift based on the expectation of getting thanked. It the old adage that you can't control what others do. I give gifts now and don't anticipate a thank you - that way when I do get one, I'm delighted.

No way!!! There is nothing better than to teach your child to be thankful. I have 2 nieces and 1 nephew and have NEVER received a thank you, verbal or written. My daughter just celebrated her first birthday and we added a personal touch to the thank yous we sent out, we had her scribble on a notecard and put stickers on it, with help of course. Kids in this world are not thankful enough and we need to instill that in them!!!!!