Are Kids Just Mean?

Hi Wendy. All kids are different and some are more physical than others. I don't think it is the kids being mean, but seeing someone smaller than them and trying some things out. Hitting and chasing are both normal things for young kids to do. I think it is bad parenting on the OTHER parents for them to not see that stuff and stop it immediately. If their kid can not behave and is not made to apologize and take some quiet time, there is a problem. Don't kee her away from other kids - she will have to learn that kids can be difficult and how to deal with it. But maybe because she is only 14 motnhs either stay a little closer (so there is no opportunity for her to be hit or chased) or just keep her around kids her age. I know 2 is close, but a big difference when you are that young. Good luck!

I have encounteerd this same thing on many occasions with my two boys. No matter what age their kids are parents just seem oblivious to what their kids are doing. My advice would be to say very loudly "That boy or girl is being very bad. If I was their mommy I would be so sad." Maybe the parents wiil catch on. Sorry to say my boys had to learn to be tough and stand up for themselves.

I have two very rough boys and they are allowed to wrestle and fight with each other, but they know and have known since they could crawl that they were not allowed to hit other children especially girls.

Wendy,
What you are describing is typical 2 year old behavior-your little angel will also come up with her own 2 year old frustration outlet. Many kids bite, hit, etc. Several others do personal pain-head banging, hair pulling, etc. Two is such a tough time for them-transitioning from baby to toddler and so many things are changing in their lives and body that their emotions have trouble keeping up so it gets expressed in frustration. The best prevetion is intervention and distration.

I don't believe any 2-year old is mean. Is your 14 month old "mean" to you when she cries or whines? The thing is, most kids at that toddler age, about 19-months to 3 years try things. They try hitting, try biting, etc. Either out of frustration or because they do it and have gotten attention for it (people laugh or give-in to demands). The persistance of that behavior is a matter of whether the parents intevene - like the father did - you hit, no more playing. You have to remeber that kids that age are ego-centric, and they don't see your daughter as a smaller baby, they just see another person in their way. Some kids are more physical than others, my oldest never pushed for instance, but she did try to bite - ONCE!!!

I have been disturbed by the behavior of some older kids - I have had 4 and 5 year olds push, hit, menace my babies. That IS scary. I think some of them are not being disciplined and may even be emotionally disturbed. But I would encourage patience with the younger set, as you will probably face some of the same behavior in the next few months :)

Come up with a plan for dealing with it - I am a fan of speaking for your child. First, it teaches them how to respond. Second, you need ot stand up for your child. Try, "Ouch, don't put your hands on 'me.' It hurts!" I have a five year old and a 15-month old. Enjoy these baby times, they go fast!!

The 2 yr olds are acting their age. My son is fascinated by babies, to him they are like toys, he will hug, kiss and sometime push, and is not very gentle about it. 2 year olds are all about control and a 14 month old is easy to show control over. I try to say, "gentle, she is smaller" and then redirect the 2 year old. Unfortunately, like the other moms said, your daughter will soon be the same way. I remember thinking the same way you do about mean kids, until mine hit that stage. I wouldn't keep her home, just watch over her, she will soon learn to fend for herself.

yes that is the age. That child's parents need to stop them. But your daughter gets closer to that age you need to teach her to stand up for herself. But 2yrs old they will start facing children who are bullies not because they are mean but because they are learning that others want things from them and they need to fight for their own. Beings small is hard work...lol

Kids go through a stage where they hit, kick, punch, push, bite, etc. They are still learning to express themselves. With proper discipline, they will grow out of it.

Don't blame the kids, blame the parents.

Toddler years are a crucial time when parents need to show them how to play with others. If they're being mean, the parent should stop them and say No, that's not nice. Be gentle, be nice etc... but some parents are just too lazy and do nothing. Or they grab them and pull them away without showing them what they should be doing, which doesn't teach them how to act. Lazy parenting is what leads to "mean" kids.

If a child is being pushy or intimidating to mine, I will ask them to be nice or take turns etc... and show them how to play together. They usually love the positive attention. Some you just have to walk away from and tell your child that's not how to act. I think kids need parents to play with them until they're at least 3 to show them how to play. Otherwise, how will they learn? You will not see a "mean" kid whose parents are involved & playing with them.

It's tough being around other peoples kids, but you can't keep her away forever. Just do the best you can and try to help the ones who aren't getting any direction.

I think this is just somewhat "normal" behavior. Kids around that age just don't know how to express themselves through talking so they do so through actions. This doesn't mean they should not be corrected, but I do not think it is neccesarily being "mean". I think if the other kid's parents do not intervene, then you should remove your daughter from the situation, you have to protect her. Also, when you corrected the boy you were a stranger to him so of course he did not listen. Kids have to be taught appropriate ways to express themselves. We are going through this stage of hitting, throwing and screaming with our son. He is not a mean child, he is just trying to express himself. If he doesn't get his way, he may hit or throw stuff, we then correct him by telling him no. So, I do not think you need to remove your child from kids you don't know, because when she goes to school she won't know those kids and you don't want to add more fear to that situation. I think what you were doing is best, keep her safe by removing her from the situation. Hope this helps.

hi wendy,
well, kids this age ARE 'mean', it's just a part of the developmental phase. i'm glad the boy's dad intervened and took him home, that's a good response (hopefully the dad apologized to you too.) their little worlds are just very egocentric at that time. while you do have to keep a close eye on her and step in if necessary, i also think that learning how to deal with other kids, nice and mean, is a vital coping skill that kids should learn right from the beginning. don't keep her home, just keep a weather eye on her when she's in unfamiliar company.
khairete
S.

Yes. At 2 they are all still learning social cues, which is why it's so important for parents/adults to still be around in their lives. I prefer the one-to-one ratio, though daycare centers are given, I think, a 3-1 ratio of child to adult caregiver. Toddlers are very impulsive and don't consider their actions, so they hit first and think later. You don't have to keep her at home, but just stay nearby and teach her that there are some children who just do not know how to play. But, there are some who do and we will take time to find good friends.

Up to the age of about three, kids don't really play together in a cooperative interactive way. They do something called parallel play. My son at 14 months liked to watch other kids, but from my arms or lap. I'd play a little tag with him (more of a game of catch-the-baby). He'd never stray too far from me. If other kids came by in a playground, and one started to pick on mine (or others), I'd get in there and tell them if they wanted to pick on someone, try me and with me being much bigger, they'd back off. Some parents don't care if their kid is a bully, others are actually proud of it. There's nothing wrong with being protective of your baby. Now my son is ten yrs old, the tallest in his class and has a red belt in taekwondo. He's kind of a gentle giant and makes friends easily. When they are 5 or 6 years old, they can handle more of their own battles, at 1 through 3, I'd be right in the sandbox with them to ensure harmony and fair play.

Hi Wendy~
Sounds like most of the moms have responded in similar fashion. I do, however, disagree with the post that suggested you blame the parents. Like others have said, a parent stepped in and stopped his son from hitting. That's important. I have two boys, 5 and 2. The older boy is gentle and sweet... the younger is much more rough. He is also sweet, but he hits while my older one never did. I have been trying to keep him from doing this and I respond every time I see it. I apologize to the parent and the child he hit, I also make him apologize and we make sure the child is ok. (*they always are*) He never hits very hard, but any hit is not ok. We work on it regularly. He's just has a different personality than my older boy. I have to treat him differently as a result. That's parenting. Please don't think that kids who hit are just bad kids... mean kids. Or that I'm a bad parent. We're all trying here and we all need to address the issues as they arise. I will also add that if I'm in a playgroup or on a playground or anywhere and he does this without my seeing it, I have absolutely no problem with another parent correcting him verbally. We need to help each other out. If I'm helping my older son with his shoes and the younger one hits someone else, it's perfectly fine for that parent to tell him to stop. I would do the same if my child was hit by another. That's what we need to do for our own children and each other.

I know it's not easy to have outside influences affect your child, but that's something she needs to learn to manage. There will be those kids who are bad influences... let's try to protect our children and make sure our own are good influences.

Unfortunately, these days, I think you're going to find that and it never ends. My kids are all teenagers now and they come home with stories all of the time about kids that are mean to others. I think some of it is just part of growing up, however, it is amazing to me how many parents don't parent. I don't think there was anything wrong with telling the little girl not to hit your daughter. I hope her father took that as an opportunity to teach his child that the behavior was unacceptable. I wouldn't teach your daughter to be afraid of strangers but if you're there, cautious and attentive you can teach her what not to do even at such a young age.

Yes - it is normal. They get to a certain age or stage of developement and hitting becomes an option. HOWEVER - it is definately behavior that needs to quickly be addressed at ANY stage and turned around.I watch my son (now 3 1/2) in group play settings - and the 1st time he gets rough I let him know another option. And tell him if he hits - it's time to go home. He doesn't even try to get aggressive with other kids now. I always get frustrated with the parents that accept it's a stage and then don't intervene. Yes - it's a stage - but it's an issue to immediately address. After the 1st contact the parent of the hitter should make sure 2nd contact is not made. One such example was in a Mall play area my son was 16 months old and a much larger 5 or 6 yr old was shadowboxing and punched my baby in the face. He kept it up with no intervention from the parent. It took me crossing the entire playland to get to my child and catch the next fist that was going toward my child's face. Then and only then did the Mom come from behind me and tell me NEVER to touch HER child. (I had caught his fist in mid air before he hit my kid again) I think if she had taught that child at an earlier age not to hit we wouldn't have had to have that scene in the play area - or at the VERY least - if she had been watching her child interact with others that day.

I agree with everyone who says it's just the age. My oldest started this when she first turned two. She would push when she wanted a toy b/c she did not yet possess the verbal skills to ask for it. Now that she is getting ready to turn 3, she will ask for what she wants, but sometimes she still resorts to pushing/pulling if she does not get a response from the child b/c she does not understand that the child may not have understood her or did not hear her. It is clearly getting better, though.

I disagree with the poster who said that it's the parents' fault. Both my husband and I play a lot of with her and she still does it. Obviously, we don't go around pushing her when we play, so it is not something she learned from us. It is just a normal developmental thing.

It's the age yes, but it also depends heavily on the parent. Your right to be cautious with her, & keep a very close eye on little ones playing closely together in general. They're not great at social interactions at this age, and will tend to bite, hit, push and pull hair. They aren't bad kids, yet. It's up to the parents to teach them right from wrong.
It sounds like your a great mom, and doing a great job with your little girl! Kuddos and enjoy her baby stage!
L.

Kids are basically self centered and unaware that they are causing others pain at this age. Don't worry about it. Take her out, just stay close to her and orchestrate the play so you can be sure she's not getting hurt. We all run into this. Unfortunately, we can't do much about other people's children, but quite often the parents themselves will do something when it's brought to their attention. If you come across a child that is really misbehaving and the parent won't do anything about it, just remove your daughter by at least 10 feet and if the child trys to follow block them and say, "we're going to play by ourselves over here where it's nicer"

kids that age just can't express themselves verbally very well and get frustrated easily. They tend to express frustration with aggressive behavior. They will get past it. They are ego centric and don't think in terms of other people but only their own needs.